我为喜剧狂（2006）

Just go!
Martha 再跟我说说我妈那些 好玩儿的事儿吧
So, Martha, tell me some more funny Colleen stories.
她有两张床头柜?
Colleen had two night tables?
爱经?!
Kama Sutra?
这M是谁呀?
Who is "m"?
拉拉呀!
Shmesbians!
瞧瞧我这礼数都哪儿去了 这儿可是佛罗里达呀
Where are my manners? This is Florida.
我给你煮壶佳得乐去 蓝莓味儿的的行不?
Let me boil up a pot of hot Gatorade.Is Blue okay?
Jack 那卧室... - 她尽在撒谎
Jack, bedroom...- lies.
Martha刚跟我说我妈喜欢孩子和动物
Martha's been telling me Colleen loved children and animals.
我妈就给我买♥♥过一只八哥
The only animal Colleen ever bought me was a myna bird
还是她用来监视我的间谍
who was later revealed to be Colleen's personal spy.
我跟那鸟什么事儿都说了
I told that bird everything.
不 Jack 这不是诈骗
No, Jack, it's not a scam.
我觉得Martha 和你妈可能是 一对儿
I think Martha and Colleen were... Together.
你疯了吧 - 这种事儿常有的
Have you lost your mind? - It's a thing.
先是男的死了 然后这些寡妇寂寞了 就互为其伴侣
Men die first, and these older women are alone and turn to each other for companionship,
就像我Linda阿姨和她室友Jean一样
like my aunt Linda and her roommate, Jean.
但她们不是蕾丝边 偶滴个神 她们肯定是!!!
But they weren't lesbians.Oh, my god, of course they were!
Lemon 瞧瞧你说的 Colleen Donaghy搞蕾丝?
Lemon, listen to what you're saying.Colleen Donaghy was gay?
她不看棕熊队比赛就是因为 Derek Sanderson的胡子让他看起来
She stopped watching the bruins because Derek Sanderson's mustache made him look,
就像是就着泡菜吃了三明治一样
"like he takes his sandwich with a pickle."
她们睡一起 Jack...
They shared a bed, Jack...
那种可以调节床垫软硬的床 床两边的软硬程度是不一样的
A sleep number bed,set to two drastically different firmness levels.
只有疯子一个人睡觉才会那样 疯子才会!
Only an insane person would do that if they were sleeping alone.Insane!
Martha欺骗我妈 让她把她当朋友
Martha tricked Colleen into thinking she was her friend,
而且 两个朋友睡一起也很正常
and of course two friends can share a bed.
比如林肯和他室友Joshua Fry Speed
For example, Abraham Lincoln and his roommate,Joshua fry speed,
slept in the same bed together
在Joshua跳舞累死之前他们都在 一起睡
until Joshua died from dancing too long at a party.
我把佳得乐煮上了 等待的时间里
The Gatorade's on.While we're waiting,
我们可以看看那个设计了所有 Pat Summitt运动服的女人的纪录片
I DVR'd a documentary about the woman who designed all of Pat Summitt's blazers.
Kenneth 那份关于Hazel的宣誓书
Kenneth, we have a signed affidavit regarding this Hazel situation
除了你之外大伙儿都签了
from everyone on the TGS crew except you.
听着 我明白
Look, I get it.
我知道前任确实很让人纠结
I know how former lovers can have a hold over you long after they're gone.
不知道怎么回事 我对喝晕了的Harvey Weinstein有感觉 那是一个感恩节...
In some ways, I'm still pinned under a passed-out Harvey weinstein, and it's Thanksgiving.
但事实是 Hazel已经离你而去 小K 为了证明这点
But the truth is, Hazel is gone, Ken Jennings,and to prove it,
我们叫了一个跳脱衣舞的在身上藏着 摄影机去勾引她
we hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours and asked him to seduce Hazel.
Sloppy Rodney 知道他吗? 得过梅毒的
Sloppy Rodney... Do you know him? He has syphilis.
嘿 小妞 来一炮吧
Hey, baby, you want to get down?
Sloppy Rodney? 是我啊 Richard Drench
Sloppy Rodney? It's me, Richard drench.
我记得这个翘臀
I remember that ass.
拜托不要放了
Please stop.
我不是因为Hazel才不想签字的
Hazel isn't the reason I won't sign that affidavit.
实际上 我在TGS看过太多不对的事
The truth is, I have seen a lot of inappropriate things here at TGS,
我不想包庇
and I don't want to lie about it.
什么大不了的嘛 说谎好简单
What's the big deal?Lying is easy.
示范下 我口袋里没洞可以直接让我摸鸡鸡
For example, there isn't a hole in my pocket I keep touching my penis through.
看 简单吧 - 对我来说很难
See? Easy. - Not for me, sir.
去年我失去太多
I've lost a lot this past year.
我从小跟班变成看门的
I went from being a page to a janitor.
我女友又不要我了
My girlfriend dumped me.
诚实是我唯一所剩
The only thing I have left is my integrity.
你们知道我会答应任何事
Now, you both know I would do anything for you.
可关于签字 请你们三思而后行
But I want you to think long and hard before you ask me to sign that affidavit,
因为那将让我失去做人的原则
because you'd be making me give up who I am.
随便啦 签字吧
Whatever. Sign it. - Uh-huh. Sign it.
抱歉 我们这没备多余的卧室
I apologize. We never had the need for a second bedroom around here.
我总把木工刀具和陶器成品放这
This is usually where I store my woodworking tools and the pottery I make.
你怎么了 Lemon 那不过是花瓣陶器
What's the problem, Lemon? They're just lumpy flowers.
我不知道你们习惯睡哪边
Now, I don't know who usually sleeps on which side,
就在两边床头柜都放了草莓钙片
so I put a strawberry calcium chew on both night tables for you, Liz.
我们只是同事 Edwards女士 - 我们不是...不是的
Uh, we're coworkers, Ms. Edwards.- Oh, we're not... no, no, no.
真抱歉 我自己就想当然了
Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed...
真心没事 今天不只你在胡思乱想
that's quite all right. A lot of people are making wild assumptions today.
我和她纯友谊的 假如柏拉图有个年长且死宅的大婶
Our relationship is purely platonic, if Plato had an elderly, shut-in aunt.
你知道柏拉图和苏格拉底搞基的吧
Uh-huh, you know what Plato did have?A gay relationship with socrates.
Lemon 如果说你像苏格拉底 那也只因你有希腊男人一般的体毛
Lemon, the only way you're like socrates is you have the body hair of a Greek man.
你们真不是夫妻吗 真像两口子拌嘴
Are you sure you aren't married? 'Cause this seems pretty married.
Siri 给我找最近的旅馆
Siri, find me the nearest hotel.
找小姐 是否正确
Finding hookers. Is that right?
你不会想住外面的
Oh, you don't want to go out.
越战老兵开始退休了
The Vietnam vets are starting to retire,
晚上围着棕榈树焦躁不安
and they get antsy at night around all these palm trees.
没关系的 我们睡一起就好
No, that's all right.We can sleep together,
好朋友睡一张床很正常 对吧 Jack
because there's nothing weird about two friends sharing a bed, right, Jack?
当然了
Of course not.
你睡衣是高领的
Your pajamas have a turtleneck.
这是L.L.Bean海军系列收藏版
They're from the L.L. Bean maritime professional collection.
你想怎么一起睡?
So what way do you want to totally normally sleep together?
脸对脸 还是背靠背
Face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?
悠着点 是旧床垫
Uh, careful... old mattress.
不用多说 Lemon 今晚什么都不会发生
It goes without saying, Lemon,that nothing will happen in this bed tonight,
我当然是指你的消化不良
and I am referring, of course, to your...Digestive failings.
笑死了 我才不会呢
I'd laugh, but I'm trying not to do the thing that you just referred to.
为何我们之间什么都没发生
Why didn't anything ever happen between us?
Lemon 如果你想召唤我妈的鬼魂
Good god, Lemon. If you're trying to conjure my mother's ghost,
可以边摇一罐硬币边吹捧Jimmy Carter
you could just shake a jar of coins while praising Jimmy Carter.
我没想发生什么
No, I'm not saying I wanted something to happen.
只是不明白 我们相处时间很多 为啥什么都没发生过?
But why didn't something happen? We've spent a lot of time together.
我们醉在一起 白天又醉在一起 还同时疗情伤
We've been drunk together and day-drunk together and on the rebound at the same time,
而且你就像个贱♥人♥
and also, you're kind of a slut.
第三季时我和Jenna睡了好多次
I did sleep with Jenna a lot during season three.
如果我不是这样的 你会勾搭我吗?
If I were a different person,would you have hit on me?
我懂你的意思 Lemon
I understand what you're getting at, Lemon.
我小时候 教区里有一神父 有恋童癖
There was a particularly youth-orientated priest in my childhood parish who
除了我 他谁都喜欢
went after everybody but me...
他连吃鼻屎的肥仔Ralph都喜欢
Even fat Ralph, and he ate his boogers.
我觉得自己很难看
I felt so unpretty.
这和外貌无关 Jack
No, this isn't about appearance, Jack.
我们什么都没发生 是我太无趣了吗?
Did nothing ever happen between us because I'm not fun?
天哪 Lemon 很明显 无论你怎么定义我们的关系
Good god, Lemon. Obviously, our relationship, however you define it...
导师与学生... - 好姐妹 工作拍档
Mentor/mentee...- sister-ployee/work oracle...
都比男女关系来得有趣吧
is more interesting than some dating scenario.
很明显的 用尚不成熟的庸俗性关系
And obviously, to ruin what we have with a tawdry,
毁掉我们两人关系 会是个错误
yet expert sexual encounter would've been a mistake.
当然是 可这是我该犯的错误吗?
Obviously, but is it the kind of mistake that I should have made?
Tracy说我没生活
Tracy told me I haven't lived.
你竟让Tracy评价你的生活 Tracy Jordan?
You're allowing Tracy to criticize your life choices... Tracy Jordan?
现在如何?
Now what?
可他是对的 我从未由着自己的性子
But he's right. I haven't done anything impulsive ever.
我没刺过青 也没断过骨
I don't have any tattoos or broken bones.
除了去蒙特利尔的合唱团之旅 我都没磕过药
I've never been high, except for that choir trip to Montreal
那还是不小心吃的一磅大♥麻♥
where I accidentally ate a pound of marijuana.
我也从未吸引过你 你就是个...
Also, maybe I was never attracted to you because you're the kind of person
可以躺在我去世母亲旧床上 自在地谈论自己的人
who finds a way to talk about herself while lying in my dead mother's bed.
那记住 我们扯平了
Well, for the record, it's mutual.
我完全没有迫不急待 想和一个有妈妈情节的中年老男人在一起
I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to be with a middle-aged man with crippling mommy issues.
首先 是"迫不及待"
First of all, it's "champing" at the bit.Horses champ.
其次 我也不想和没上过床的女人 在床上吵架
And second of all, I'm not going to fight in bed with a woman I'm not even having sex with.
为什么 这很奇怪吗? - 当然奇怪了
Why? Is it weird? - Of course it's weird.
林肯是个大基佬 - 多谢
Lincoln was super gay. - Thank you.
我压根不愿想到我母亲
And I don't even want to think about my mother.
我也知道那些不是花的陶器
And I know those pots aren't flowers.
那是我老妈的阴♥道♥
They're my mother's vagina.
Jay-Mo 我要吐槽比约克的天鹅服 受够了
J-Mo, I am like the following joke about Bjork's swan dress...Tired.
我只看过像苍蝇的衣服 可从没穿上哪件衣服能飞的
I've seen dresses that look fly, but never dresses that can fly.
我昨晚几乎没睡着
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
胃里翻江倒海般
I've got this weird, sick feeling in my stomach.
我也是 和97年陪审团主席对我说 "你有罪"时的感觉一样
Me too. It's the same feeling I got in 1997 when that jury foreman looked at me and said,"guilty!"