我为喜剧狂（2006）

So ask yourselves, brothers and sisters,who's really got your back?
在我看来 Mitt Romney是... 我滴个神呐
'Cause from where I'm standing,mitt Romney is a...Oh, my dear...
Mitt Romney是顶梁柱啊
Mitt Romney is a layup.
但别只看我打广♥告♥
But don't just take it from me.
要看疗效 变形金刚 汽车人爵士
Take it from my good friend the black transformer, jazz.
怎么了 兄弟们 爵士和小黑罗姆尼一起下来
What's crackin', my homies?Jazz gets down with the rom-nizzle.
天呐 电影里他真这么说话?
Oh, my god, does he really talk like that in the movie?
由美国人出资 为纯种美国人设计 "炸♥弹♥工人"
Paid for by Americans for an American america."Dy-no-mite."
老天爷啊 - 这就是渣
Oh, for heaven's sakes.- That is garbage.
你说什么呐?
What are you talking about?
那可是Don Cheadle和汽车人爵士啊 你们的英雄
That was Don Cheadle and jazz, your heroes.
知道这得花多少钱吗?
Do you know how expensive that was?
我明白了
Okay, I get it.
我来拉拢一下关系
Let me do some, uh, community organizing.
先生 我是代理选举监督人
Sir, I am a deputized election monitor,
我上司Barbara有氧课结束出来后
and when my supervisor Barbara gets out of her aquarobics class,
此事便会传入她耳中
she will be hearing about this,
如果她找到了被室友偷走的助听器
if she's found the hearing aid she thinks her roommate stole.
五 四 三 二 - 听好了 美国
In five, four, three, two.Listen up, america.
Thomas Jefferson曾写道
Thomas Jefferson once wrote...
美国自♥由♥最大的威胁
The greatest danger to American freedom...
闭嘴 好好听
Shut up! Listen to the words!
就是一个无视宪法的政♥府♥
Is a government that ignores the constitution.
脱了
Take it off!
别
No.
太悲催了
This is so demoralizing.
过去24小时 我挥金如土
In the past 24 hours,I've spent millions of dollars.
我让黑人娱乐频道请Mike Huckabee 出席嘻哈音乐奖 为"最佳俱乐部单曲"颁奖
I got B.E.T. to let Mike Huckabee present "best club banger" at the hip-hop a wards.
(前任阿肯萨斯州州长)
可我们的黑人支持率仍然为零
And yet we're still polling at 0% among African-Americans.
如果我的钱打了水漂 我就移♥民♥摩纳哥
If my money can't make a difference,I'm moving to Monaco.
Jack 别这么说 - 我说真的
Jack, don't say that. - I'm serious.
那里的人 有困难找钞票
Over there, they solve all their problems with money.
他们用钱灭火
They use it to put out fires.
火好无聊
Ce feu m'ennuie.
我为什么要费尽周折投票?
Why should I even bother to vote?
我投一百票 纽约还是会支持奥巴马
New York will go for Obama even if I voted a hundred times.
我平常都投5票的
Instead of my usual five.
说不定摇摆州还有希望
Maybe you can make a difference in a battleground state.
意义何在呢 Garrett 这样吧
Oh, what's the point, Garrett? You know what?
我来告诉你这场选举的终点
I'll tell you exactly how this election is going to play out.
就来看看我的朋友怎么样了
Hey. I just came in to see how my friend's doing,
显然他回鼠洞去了 所以...
but obviously he went back into his mouse hole, so, uh...
你还好吗?
How are you?
Jack说得没错 没必要向老百姓扔洗♥脑♥炸♥弹♥
Jack was right.People don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.
别放弃
Don't give up.
我认识的Lisa Loeb可不是这样的
That is not the Lisa loeb I know.
我还投票做什么 纽约肯定会支持Obama
Why do I even vote?New York's gonna go for Obama anyway.
我要是在俄亥俄州还有希望
Maybe if I lived in Ohio, I could make a difference.
其实不然 俄亥俄州肯定会支持Romney
Actually, no.Ohio's definitely going for Romney.
你才不知道俄亥俄会选谁 - 我真的知道
Yeah, you don't know which way Ohio's going.- But I do.
Liz Lemon 我在全国各地都演过相声
Liz Lemon, I've done stand-up in every state in this country.
我了解美国人♥民♥ 我知道他们都在想什么
I know the people of america.I know how they think.
我能准确预测这场大选的过程和结果
I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.
大家都知道Romney在新罕布♥什♥尔有个度假别♥墅♥
Everyone knows Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire.
大家所不知的是 他在那里狩猎人类
What they don't know is that he hunts humans on that property.
新罕布♥什♥尔州是Obama
New Hampshire goes to Obama.
北卡罗来纳会选Romney
Now, north Carolina goes to Romney.
今年夏天我在那里工作过 他们才不愿意有个黑人对他们说教
I worked there this summer,and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them.
不管是奥巴马说医疗制度 还是我说白人的屁♥股♥
I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care or me talking about white butts.
白人屁♥股♥和黑人屁♥股♥不一样
They are different than black butts.
宾西法尼亚属于Obama
Pennsylvania is Obama's.
那里的投票机都有人类感知能力
The voting machines there have become sentient.
不知怎的 他们很赞同同性婚姻
And, for some reason,they are strongly in favor of gay marriage.
但是我们在威斯康辛没戏的 我也不知道为什么
But we're not gonna win Wisconsin.I don't know why.
自从Tracy在绿湾放了一把火以后 (威斯康辛NFL球队的主场)
Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field,
威斯康辛人就开始支持死刑判决了
wisconsinites are coming around on the death penalty.
威斯康辛会选Romney
Wisconsin goes for Romney.
那么就剩下...
That just leaves...
佛罗里达 美国的小鸡鸡!
Florida, the penis of america!
佛罗里达... 美国的小鸡鸡
Florida...The penis of america.
Pete! 我们有了一个摧毁Jenna和她的SB拥趸的计谋
Pete!We have a scheme to destroy Jenna and her army of cretins.
过去七年来 我一直在汇总Jenna Maroney最难堪一面的片段
For the past seven years,I've been compiling a supercut of all of Jenna Maroney's worst moments.
安保录像 手♥机♥视频 排练...
Security footage, cell phone videos, rehearsals...
所有的耍大牌发神经片段 都在这张DVD上
All her biggest diva freak-outs are on this DVD.
我们把这个放在网上 那些捕蟹人就会发现 Jenna是个骗子
When we put this online,the crabcatchers will see what a fraud Jenna is.
给我找个助理来喂我吃婴儿食物
Someone get a P.A. to feed me baby food.
要不我就要在休息室里解大手了
Or I will drop a "d" in the greenroom.
不要 Pete!为什么?
No, Pete! Why?
昨天晚上 节目结束后...
Last night, after the show...
我想去跟他们说道说道
I went to give them a piece of my mind.
尽情享受 伙计
Enjoy, bro.
但是我还没来得及...
But before I could...
他们给了我心灵上的宁静
They gave me peace.
♪ 慢慢地 静下来 ♪
♪ Slow down ♪ Way down ♪
♪ 哦 静至水底 ♪
♪ go down to the water ♪
那里没有堆积的资料
There were no 1020-gs down there.
没有脖子痛 没有恐惧
No neck pain.No fear.
只有简单生活
Just easy livin'.
这是你们内陆人无法理解的
Something you mainlanders wouldn't understand.
Pete 别这样
Pete, come on.
Pete已死
Pete's dead.
我现在是Panama
I'm Panama, now.
像所有小鸡鸡一样 佛罗里达非常复杂
Now, like any penis,Florida is very complicated.
南部的古巴人 非常保守
The Cubans in the south... Very conservative.
在迈阿密相声俱乐部我被扔过很多次昂贵的雪茄.
I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.
但是佛罗里达中部 大多是犹太退休人和连环杀手
But central Florida is dominated by Jewish retirees, serial killers,
还有没出柜的迪士尼王子 他们都喜欢奥巴马
and secretly gay Disney princes,all of whom love Obama.
但是...
Meanwhile...
在佛罗里达北部...
In northern Florida...
我一直都猜不懂的人群 就是北佛罗里达人
The only crowds I could never figure out were in northern Florida.
这一周 他们在笑我 下一周 他们还在笑我
One week they're laughing at me,the next week, they're laughing at me.
这上面说 这里的选民没法预测
According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict.
这里有年长的隐居者 只能混沙滩的无业游民...
It's a combination of elderly shut-ins,beach bums...
没钱只能坐公交的屌♥丝...
Bus passengers who ran out of money...
穷♥人♥ 还有海盗
Swamp people and pirates.
这些人不喜欢别人告诉他们该怎么做
These people don't like to be told what to do.
他们只想坐在沙滩上喝酒
They just want to sit on the beach and drink.
他们的口号♥是 "自♥由♥随性"
There motto is "unwindulax."
自♥由♥随性
Unwindulax.
我的天啊
Oh, my god.
早上好 捕蟹人
Morning, crabcatchers.
你们都自♥由♥随性了吗?
You all unwindulaxing?
有一个人可以改写一切 这个人就是Jenna!
One person can make a difference.And that person is Jenna!
美♥利♥坚♥的下一任总统竟会是由...
The next president of the United States will be chosen by...
Jenna Maroney来决定
Jenna Maroney.
我们继续走着瞧... 蜘蛛先生
To be continued...Mr. Spider.
呃 蜘蛛网掉嘴里了!
Ew, web in my mouth!
我为喜剧狂 第七季 第04集
我为喜剧狂 下期预告...
Next week, on 30 rock...
Jenna Maroney将会决定 自♥由♥世界的下一任领导人吗?
Will Jenna Maroney choose the next leader of the free world?
Jack或是Liz会操纵她做出如上决定吗?
Will Jack or Liz manipulate her into doing the thing we just said?
Cerie穿衣服能像正常人那么穿吗?
Will Cerie ever wear a piece of clothing for its intended use?
Pete会忘掉他的巴拿马情结 有一个完全不一样的人生吗?
Will Pete drop the whole "Panama" thing,and have a totally different story?
剧透慎入... 会的
Spoiler alert... Yes.
Tracy到底是不是半人半獭?
Is Tracy actually a wereotter?
Kellan Lutz会用棉花糖填饱肚子吗?
Will Kellan Lutz fill his tummy with "marsh-mal-lows"?
每一幕里都会出现的隐形杀手会动手吗?
Will the invisible murderer who's in every scene finally strike?
NBC的宣传总监会取下他小鸡鸡上的捕鼠夹吗?
Will NBC's head of promotions ever get that mousetrap off his penis?
Kenneth最终会打败他的敌人 蜘蛛先生吗?
Will Kenneth finally defeat his Nemesis, Mr. Spider?
你的录影机会掐掉这节...
Will your DVR cut this pro...