我为喜剧狂（2006）

总想着女人 还能更基一点吗?
Wanting to be with a woman... How gay is that?
能征服一个男人 这才直呢
You win sex against a man,that's as straight as it gets.
你曾经那么好 无人匹敌
You were good... One of the best.
可看看现在的你
But look at you now.
傍上一个十五岁的嫩草
Hitching your wagon to a 15-year-old girl?
听着 没人比我清楚为何Kaylie约你
Look, I understand why Kaylie would seek you out.No one knows me better.
而你也知道Jack Donaghy百仗百胜
But you also know that Jack Donaghy always wins.
还记得和我玩海战棋游戏吧 打中你的A-8 记得么
Or have you forgotten the time we played battleship?Remember a-8?
是你偷看我的棋盘
You peeked.
你到底来干嘛? Jack
Why are you here, Jack?
共商大计 策划个突然袭击
To propose something,something no one would ever expect...
让我们结盟吧 如何
An alliance.Think about it.
我们互相争吵 打嘴仗 浪费了多少时间与精力
How much time and energy have we wasted with our sparring and our gravel-voiced double entendres?
多屎了
An assload.
我们合作 纵横商界
If we joined forces,we could become the greatest business power duo
赛过Gregory Linens和Thomas n'Things联手
since Gregory linens teamed up with Thomas N'Things.
无论Kaylie给多少 我出双倍
And whatever Kaylie's offering, I'll double it.
那就告诉你Kaylie给的条件
I'll tell you what Kaylie's offering me...
十万美刀封口费
100 grand to keep my mouth shut.
封口费? 什么意思
Keep your mouth shut? What do you mean?
Jack 我有猛料 关于Kaylie老爹的
I know certain things, Jack, about Kaylie's father...
宇宙无敌基的猛料哦
Certain super-gay things.
Hank他儿子是基?
Hank's son is gay?
多基呢 Banks 偏向攻还是受
How gay, Banks,on a scale from bear hunting to hunting bears?
基到Kaylie的父母从没发生过异性♥爱♥爱
Gay enough that Kaylie's parents have never actually had heterosexual intercourse.
有传言说Kaylie的生父姓Poole
Word is Kaylie's real father is the poole boy.
你知道他吗 Frederick Poole的孙子 叫Trevor
Do you know him...Frederick poole's grandson Trevor?
帅气且暴躁 我大爱这款
Very handsome, horrible personality...I'm totally in love with him.
可如果Kaylie不是Hank的外孙女
But if Kaylie isn't really Hank's granddaughter...
她就不是家族的成员了
Then she isn't actually family.
她失去资格 Kabletown就非你莫属
And once she's out of the picture,you're the only choice to take over Kabletown.
苟富贵莫相忘
And you're gonna take me with you.
可如何证明Kaylie非Hooper亲生
But how do we prove Kaylie's not a Hooper?
验DNA
All we need is DNA.
她老爸的DNA 我手到擒来
I've got a ton of her dad's.
所以搞到Kaylie的就好
So we just need Kaylie's.
嗨 Bev 我是Liz
Hi, Bev. It's Liz.
Liz 你就别跟我报全名吧
Oh, Liz!Yeah, definitely, don't give me your last name,
因为我全年一客户 时时刻刻惦记你
because I only deal with one person a year,so I know exactly who you are.
我是Elizabeth Lemon 我在代理名单上有段时间了
It's Elizabeth Lemon.I've been on the agency's list for a few years now.
收到我婚姻状况更新信了吗
I wanted to see if you got my letter updating my marital status.
是的 恭喜你了
Oh, yes. Congratulations.
你的档案已从"善良的女拉拉" 移到"找到男人 自欺欺人"里了
You've moved from the "well-meaning lesbian" pile to "found a man, comma, living a lie."
你的排队时间从而减少到四年了
That brings your wait time down to only four years.
四年? 我46岁时才能领养小孩?
Four years?So I'll be 46 by the time I get a baby?
除非你愿意领养年纪稍大的
Unless you'd like to adopt an older child.
昨天我就能给你个六岁的小孩 颜色可选
I can give you a six-year-old yesterday.Pick a color.
我一直设想领养个新生儿
Oh, I just always pictured myself getting a newborn.
那我还总幻想被左拥右抱呢
And I always pictured myself getting double-teamed by two the rocks.
可是生活总是很骨感
But sometimes we have to make compromises.
改变主意就打给我
Let me know if you change your mind.
Jack 女人多少岁有孩子算晚的 - 19岁
Jack, how old is too old for a woman to have a baby?- 19.
听着 若想组建个家 我有三条路
Look, I have three options if I still want to start a family.
传统路线 可荷尔蒙治疗最不管用了
There's the old-fashioned way,but these hormone treatments are the worst.
即使有成效 就我这个年龄 估计只能生畸形儿
And even if they work, at my age,the kid might just come out a ball of fingers.
Steve Forbes就是个例子
Steve Forbes was born a ball of fingers.
他请了最好的外科医生 结果却不言而喻
He had the best surgeons money can buy,but you can still tell.
第二条路就是领养 我得等四年
So option two is adopting a baby,but I have to wait four more years.
她大学毕业我都快七十了 现在还剩第三条路
I'll be almost 70 when she graduates from college,which just leaves option three...
领养年龄稍大的孩子 可我无法驾驭
Adopting an older kid,but I don't think I can handle that.
是吗 那会比照顾婴儿还难吗
Really? Wouldn't that be easier than taking care of an infant?
面对婴儿 你知道自己得到了什么
No. With a baby, you know what you're getting.
碰到年龄大的 就不知道了
With an older kid, who knows?
每个名叫Annie的孤儿 都可能是一个30岁的俄♥国♥侏儒
For every orphan Annie, there's a 30-year-old Russian dwarf
假装自己还是小孩 这是从一部看了一半的电影里学来的
who's just pretending to be a child,according to a movie that I watched part of.
我们面临着选择 Lemon
We are both at a crossroads, Lemon.
我已作出了自己的选择 你也一样
I have chosen my path. It's time you do the same.
你好哇 基友
Hello, partner.
这算是哪出?
What's happening here?
你的左胸咋回事?
What's happening to your left blob?
荷尔蒙作怪啦 - Lemon 多亏了Banks
It's the hormones. - Lemon, thanks to Banks,
我有理由相信 Kaylie不是亲生的
I have reason to believe that Kaylie is not her father's daughter.
因为Stephen Sondheim家地窖里 曾举♥行♥了一场长达一周的性♥爱♥趴体
The reason being a week-long party in Stephen sondheim's sex dungeon.
那里装♥修♥精致动人 却没完没了
The workmanship down there is exquisite,but it took forever.
纽约的翻修风格嘛
Oh, renovations in New York.
重点是 一旦Hank发觉Kaylie不是自家人...
The point is, when Hank finds out that Kaylie's not family...
天呐 为了升个官 你打算告诉Hank?
oh, my god, are you planning on telling Hank just so you can get a promotion?
这可不是普通的官 我会是总裁啊
Not just a promotion. I'll be CEO.
我将成为孔雀台公♥关♥部一把手
And I'll be NBC's head of publicity.
你再也见不到我了 我要去海滩
You'll never see me again. I'll be on a beach somewhere.
我知道你很看重这个 但这样太不厚道了
I know this is important to you,but you are off the rails, Jack.
多谢夸奖 Lemon 光明大道是给傻子走的
Thanks for the compliment, Lemon.Train travel's for hoboes.
你这么做毫无意义
What you're doing makes no sense.
你竟然和Devin为伍?
You're teaming up with Devin?
听着 我改过自新了 Lemon
Hey, listen, I've changed, Lemon.
现在我唯一背后出招的事就是...
The only backstabbing I do now is...
你懂的
Well, you know.
搞完一个 再来一个
Every time I think we're done with that, we find another one.
你这是在拆散一个家啊
You're trying to tear apart a family.
你竟然跟一个青春少女结下血海深仇
You're in a blood feud with a teenage girl.
人家一心只想聊聊帅哥 用手♥机♥发发短♥信♥
All she wants to do is talk about boys and text on her phone
想想如果她像我这样 打着手电筒坐在衣橱里背机场代码
and, if she's like me, sit in a closet with a flashlight and memorize airport codes.
手♥机♥ Lemon你太有才了
Her phone. Lemon, you're a genius.
我们就这么来获取Kaylie的DNA吧
That's how we get Kaylie's DNA.
少女的目光从来不离手♥机♥
Teenage girls can't stop looking at their phones.
就像我看见Cannon的画一样
It's like me with paintings of cannons.
手♥机♥上遍布着她的DNA
Yes, her DNA's all over that phone, of course.
但我们要怎么偷到?
But how can we get close enough to steal it?
得找个少女来
We need a teenage girl.
或者有颗萝莉心的
Or someone who thinks like one.
讨厌 我为什么总在帮你们
Damn it. Why do I keep helping you?
为获认可不择手段 我和魔鬼有何异
I'll just do anything for approval.I would have been a Nazi.
谁有颗萝莉心 又足够腹黑
Who do we know who's immature and vicious enough to...
一起秒杀她吧
let's destroy her.
两位亲需要什么帮助捏?
Now, what can I do for you two gentlemen?
你好 导演先生
Hello, Mr. Director.
电影怎么样了? - 糟糕透顶
So how's the movie going? - Terrible.
Octavia完全不听我指挥
Octavia won't do anything I tell her to do.
她早退 太不守规矩了
She left early.She's completely unprofessional.
这不好说啊 Tray 听着像是你的作风
I don't know, tray.Sound like she acting like you.
可没人管得着我嘛
But I'm impossible to deal with.
我耍起宝来 没人能招架
No one has ever been able to rein in my hilarious antics.
Liz Lemon每天都是这么过的 而且还应付得不错
Liz Lemon does it every day and looks great doing it.
那我学她好啦
Okay. So I should just act like her.
W. W. R. X. W.
W.W.R.X.W.
Liz Lemon会怎么做?
What would Liz Lemon do?
Kaylie Hooper 什么风把您吹来了?
Kaylie Hooper.To what do I owe the pleasure?
我有一匹讨厌的马叫"幸福"
Jack, pleasure's the name of a pony I hate.
生意场就是如此
This is business.
今天我吃午饭恰好撞见Jenna Maroney
So I just happened to bump into Jenna Maroney at lunch this afternoon.
这能有多大几率呢?
What are the chances?
你把她怎么了 Hooper?
What did you do to her, Hooper?
她的大脑就像橡皮泥 三岁小孩的玩具
Oh, her brain's like silly putty,a toy I am too old for.
Kaylie Hooper 哎哟妈呀 我是Jenna耶
Kaylie Hooper.O.M.G. it's Jenna.
你那腰带是系着取悦大众的吧?
You're wearing that belt as a joke, right?
那必须的
Of course I am.
你的腰带哪来的? 你好酷
Where did you get your belt? You're so cool.
Jack想毁了你 让我来偷你的手♥机♥
Jack is trying to destroy you and wants me to steal your phone.
这主意真不错 Jack
Yeah, great plan, Jack.
Kaylie 你今天好漂亮呀
Kaylie, you look so gorgeous today.