全民追女王

我知道如果一个女孩
And I know that if that young girl
能够看到我现在站在这的样子
could see me standing up here right now...
她会
She would be so...
她会
She would be...
怎么回事
What's happening?
她真的会对我很失望
She... She would be so disappointed in me, actually.
事实上 那个女孩想要我
Yeah, the truth is, that girl would want me
更诚实 正直
to be honest and have integrity
不要被坏人用坏事所胁迫
and not be blackmailed by evil people with evil agendas.
除此之外 我还得
So instead, I'm just gonna...
我还得说实话 说出事情经过
I'm just gonna tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens.
开始了
So here we go.
帕克·福克斯和我们的傻♥逼♥总统
Parker Wembley and our dumb-fuck president...
在一起做着不为人知的勾当
...are doing some evil shit together.
就因为我刚刚所说的话
And because I just told you now,
他们就会放出和我约会的男人视频
they're going to release a video of a guy I dated
他打飞机射了自己一脸
jerking off all over himself.
放出视频 他妈的发网上 发网上
Release the video. Get the fucking thing online. Get it online!
但别用荡♥妇♥来羞辱我 我
But don't slut shame me. I...
我喜欢他
I like him.
我超喜欢他
I like him a lot.
弗雷德 你得去找她
Fred, you gotta go to her.
去搞定她 哥们
Go get her ass, man.
他打飞机
And he jerks off.
你们也打
And so do all of you.
靠 没错
Hell, yeah!
面对事实吧
So deal with it.
面对事实吧 美国
Deal with it, America.
我是弗雷德
Hey! I'm Fred!
那是滴滴吗
Is that an XL?
要是你能再快点我会给五星好评的
I've got five stars in it, if you could speed this shit up, man!
我们给你额外的小费 真钱
We'll give you extra tip, real tip.
不是滴滴小费 是现金
Not Uber tip! Cash tip!
后退 后退
Get back! Get back!
-我们去哪 -不知道
- Where are we going? - I don't know.
她就这样走了 她要去哪里啊
She's leaving? Where is she going?
靠 我也不知道 这不在行程表上
Shit, I don't know. This isn't on the itinerary.
汤姆 你要想在行程表前面才行
Tom, you have to think past the itinerary!
我做不到
I can't.
弗雷德 我刚收到一则福克斯消息提示
Fred, I just got a Wembley news alert
上面有你的名字
with your name on it.
别打开
Don't open it!
爽死了
Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!
弗雷德
Oh, Fred!
不 不要啊
Oh, no. Oh, no.
没关系 哥们 我们都有自己的嗜好
Hey, it's all right, man. You know, we all got our things.
但我不会颜♥射♥一脸
I don't bust a nut on my face.
-但这 -这才不是我的嗜好
- But, like... - It's not like a thing I do!
你觉得这会不会被大肆传播
Do you think that'll, like, go viral?
这已经上新闻了
This is the news!
靠
Oh, shit.
借过 让让 我去
Excuse me. Move, damn it!
这哥们恋爱了
This man is in love.
国务卿菲尔德刚刚驶离
Secretary Field just drove away,
对她的目的地闭口不谈
no comment as to her destination.
我们会持续为你追踪这个故事
We're gonna keep tracking this story for you...
看看 这不是那个颜♥射♥男吗
Yo, check it out. It's the come-guy!
对 就是他
Yeah, that's him!
先生 问几个小问题 我们正在直播
oh, sir, just a couple of questions. We're live right now.
不 我才不是颜♥射♥男
No! I'm come-guy?
现在不是采访时间 谢谢 谢谢各位
No comments at this time, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
别碰他 别摸他
Do not touch him! Do not touch him!
你好啊
Hi.
我靠
Holy shit.
你看了我的演讲吗
Did you see my speech?
对 我觉得全国人♥民♥都看了
Yeah. I think everyone saw it.
对
Yeah.
那个视频已经放出来了
You know, your video's out there.
对 我也发现了
Yeah, I caught that.
事情是这样的 我爱你
Here's the deal. I love you.
我真的爱你
I know I do.
因为我这辈子都从来没这么害怕过
Because I've never been so scared in my entire life.
我曾和暴君萨♥达♥姆♥·侯赛因一起共乘电梯
And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein.
只有我和他两个人
Just me and Saddam.
都没有我现在更害怕
And this is way scarier.
我爱你
I love you.
好的 现在你该说点什么了
Okay, you're really gonna have to say something right now.
因为我真的吓死了
'Cause I'm freaking out.
我从我12岁起就深爱着你了
I've been in love with you since I was 12 years old.
哪位
Hello?
弗雷德 外面有超多人
Hey, Fred, uh, there's a million people out here
他们都想见竞选人和颜♥射♥男
and they want to talk to the candidate and the come-guy.
我猜那指的是你
So, I figured they'd hit you.
弗雷德 弗雷德
Fred! Fred!
今天真疯狂 但我真高兴你们全在这
A crazy day. But I'm really glad you're all here.
我要向大家介绍 他是弗雷德
I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is Fred.
你们好
Hi, there.
我的男朋友
My boyfriend.
你们或许对他有所耳闻
You kind of know him already,
但无论如何你们会在接下来的几个月里
but you'll get to know him a lot more
对他有更多了解
in the next few months...
因为在大选路上他会站在我身旁
'Cause he's gonna be right by my side on my campaign trail.
瓦坎达万岁
Wakanda Forever!
夏洛特 夏洛特
Charlotte! Charlotte!
老子带的节奏
I started the chant!
是老子最先带的节奏
I started that chant!
我将忠实地履行
...that I will faithfully execute
美♥利♥坚♥合众国总统的职责
the office of the president of the United States.
真是值得纪念的一天
What a momentous day,
我们的第一任女总统
our first female president.
我从未想过会看到这一幕
I never thought I'd see it.
那么多人说这对于
Well, I mean, a lot of people are gonna say
世界各地的女人们来说是历史性的一刻
this is a historic moment for women everywhere,
但我们真的想要她在每个月的那时候
but do we really want her finger on the button
做出理智的重大决定吗
when it's that time of the month?
我才不想我妻子在每个月的那时候
I wouldn't want my wife making any decision
做任何决定
during that time of the month.
草你♥妈♥的♥ 老娘不干了
You know what? Fuck you guys. I quit.
看来某人的亲戚来了
Looks like it's someone's time of the month.
看起来大姨妈马上就要
Oh! Looks like Aunt Flow
喷薄欲出 血流成河了
is going to work down at the Red River Casino... Oh!
上帝啊 快 快点停播
Jesus Christ! Quick, quick, cut!
大家好 我是美国的第一先生
Hi! I'm the First Mister of the United States of America.
我的名字是弗雷德·菲尔德
My name is Fred Field.
我跟了我妻子的姓
I took my wife's last name.
我会带你们进行一次白宫之旅
And, uh, I'm gonna give you a tour of the White House.
我们从第一配偶们的肖像开始吧
We're starting with the portraits of the first spouses.
这是玛米·艾森豪威尔
Here we have Mamie Eisenhower.
杰奎琳·肯尼迪
Jackie Kennedy.
还有一位优雅的伯德·约翰逊夫人的肖像
We have the beautiful Lady Bird Johnson's portrait.
她旁边是我的肖像
And that leads us into my portrait.
由托德·麦克法兰作画
It was painted by Todd McFarlane,
就是创造了《再生侠》的那位
who created the Spawn comics, of course.
肖像的第一版有点夸张
The first versions were a little over the top.
大家好
Hi, guys.
我以前觉得改变世界
I used to think the best way for me to change the world,
让世界更美好的最佳方法是新闻
to make it a better place was through journalism.
后来我意识到并不是这样的
Then I realized that's not at all the case.
我真正能为世界做的最好的事
Really, the best thing I could be doing for the world
是帮助旁边这位了不起的人物
is just supporting this amazing person