全民追女王

I just got back from a trip to New Delhi.
-恩 -我被叫去开会
- Yeah? - I got called into a meeting
参谋长联席会议 我有点紧张
with the Joint Chiefs, and I was a little nervous.
-恩 -恩
- Yeah. - Yeah.
我的胃在吃完之后咖喱有点不对劲
And my stomach was a little weird from all the curry.
不是吧
Oh, no.
拉肚子
Delhi belly.
那时我们在车队里 停不下来
Well, we were in a motorcade and we couldn't stop.
-不是吧 -嗯
- Oh, no. - Mmm-hmm.
天啊
God...
于是我毁了一个非常漂亮的杜嘉班纳包包
I ruined a really nice Dolce & Gabbana bag.
-你是吐进去的 -不是
- You puked in it? - Nope.
不是吧 车可开着啊
Oh, no! In a moving vehicle?
你真的看懂了吗
Do you actually understand what's happening right now?
对 我会说俄语
Yes, I speak Russian.
塞缪尔·杰克逊扮的角色就是个笨蛋
The Russian Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope.
再见 混♥蛋♥
Do svidanya, motherfuckers!
我的天 他们刚刚打死了那个独眼龙
Oh, my God, they just shot the pirate guy!
不过他把他的队伍团结起来了
But he's keeping the team together.
对
I know.
我接受不了这个
I don't think I can handle that.
没事
Oh, it's okay.
不 我可喜欢他了
No, I really liked him in the movie.
别担心 继续看
Don't worry, just keep watching.
菲律宾的名声不好
You know, the Philippines gets a bad rap.
因为这里太美好了
Because it's pretty nice here.
好到即便内战要爆发你都不会知道
You'd never know civil war was about to break out.
这篇写得好
This is good.
-是吗 -对
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
要不我们从这一行开始吧
Hey. What if we use this line to start with?
好 这场演讲
Yeah, "I'm going to start this speech
要从我十六岁在百视达公♥司♥
"by saying the same thing I said to my boss
跟老板所说的同一句话开始
"at Blockbuster Video when I was 16.
我不干了
"I quit."
-不错 -我超爱
- That's not bad. - I love that.
这真的太好了
This is really fucking good.
瞧瞧 你开始懂我了 弗雷德
Look at you, you get me, Fred.
我完全能懂你
I totally get you.
♪ All I want for my birthday ♪
♪ Is a big booty hoe ♪
♪ All I want for my birthday... ♪
能搞定这些破事我真是太高兴了
I couldn't be happier that out of all the shit
我敢说过去十年里
I played you from the last decade,
你最喜欢的就是2 Chainz
that what you've liked the most is 2 Chainz.
-很吸引人嘛 -这很棒啊
- It's catchy. - It's awesome.
所以你是不是在和加拿大总理约会
So, are you, like, dating the prime minister of Canada?
-不是吗 -不是
- No. - No.
不是
No
我好像看到
I feel like I read... Did I read that
是有路边社说你们在约会吗
in some shitty tabloid that you guys were dating?
-可能不是真的 -你没错
- Maybe it's not true. - No, I'm sure you did. It's...
他们就喜欢写这些花边新闻 但是没有
They like to write about it, but no. I...
我俩没有约会 只是调情而已
We're not, we... We flirt.
-好 -算是吧
- Yeah. - Kind of.
很奇怪的 我们有过一次
It's weird. We made out once.
好极了
Dope.
你非要问
You asked.
不 我也和各国领导人交往过呢
No, hey! I've hooked up with my fair share of world leaders, too.
我还跟菲德尔·卡斯特罗69过一次
I 69'd Fidel Castro once.
他的胡子可不是全身毛最多的地方
You thought his beard was big.
但是你是怎么做到的呢 你
But how does that work with you? Do you, like...
你约会吗
Do you, like, date?
对 我约会 一般的话
Yeah. I date. Generally, you know,
是跟我生活方式相似的人约会
with people who have similar lifestyles to me.
跟那些经常出差的人
People who travel a lot.
不过这种关系很难维持
It's hard to keep those things alive. I...
谁愿意跟着我的屁♥股♥后面满世界跑
I mean, who wants to follow me around the world
眼巴巴的希望我抽出五分钟来柔情蜜意
and hope I have five minutes to be affectionate?
-对 -其实男人并不真想
- Yeah. - And honestly, guys don't really want to date women
和比他能干的女人约会
who are more powerful than them.
他们觉得可以 不过
They think they do, but...
都是小♥弟♥弟♥
It's a dick shriveller.
小♥弟♥弟♥可是我最爱的蝙蝠侠反派
Dick Shriveller is my favorite Batman villain though. So...
你要问我为什么还是单身吗
You gonna ask why I'm still single?
不 我懂的
No, I get it.
-合情合理 -各个方面都说得通
- It makes sense. - Yeah. It adds up.
我们可就在窗户前面
We're right in front of the window.
他妈的怎么回事
What the fuck is happening?
叛军和政♥府♥军在交火
Insurgents are fighting the army.
-我们是不是有危险 -对 对
- Are we in danger? - Yes! Yes!
国务卿女士 现在我们得离开了
Madam Secretary, we need to leave now!
草
Fuck!
这边
This way!
没事的 跟我来
All right, guys, come with me.
快
Come on.
国务卿菲尔德 这边
Secretary Field, this way!
-我找到她了 -保护他们
- I got her. - Secure them!
这边
This way.
你们在这里会很安全
You'll be safe in here.
草 你没事吧
Oh, fuck! Are you okay?
我没事 你没事吧
Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?
我没事 我们都没事
I'm okay. Yeah. We're okay.
-好 -好 我靠
- Okay. - Okay. Okay. Holy shit!
我们差点就死了
Oh, we could have just died.
我的天 我现在有点害怕
Oh, my God, I'm freaking out a bit right now.
我现在喘气都有些困难
I'm having a hard time catching my breath a little bit.
你看起来没那么害怕
You don't seem like you're freaking out very much.
我有 我在使用海豹突击队的呼吸技巧
I am. I'm employing a Navy SEAL breathing technique,
应对慌张
for dealing with panicking.
只要90秒就能恢复平静
It's just gonna take about 90 seconds to work.
90秒吗 我需要的可不止90秒
90 seconds? I need more than fucking 90 seconds!
我他妈的需要90年
I need 90 fucking years!
我后半辈子都会留下心理阴影
I'm fucked up for life from this shit, yo!
我有很多遗憾 做过很多糟糕的事
I have so many regrets, did so many terrible things!
12岁时我往一只狗身上撒尿
When I was 12, I peed on a dog
就为了让那个大孩子印象深刻
to impress an older kid.
那条狗不喜欢 那个大孩子也不喜欢
The dog didn't like it. The older kid didn't either!
毫无意义
It was just pointless.
搞什么
What the fuck?
我靠 草
Holy shit! Fuck!
还有吗 还会再来吗
Is there more? Is there gonna be more?
-弗雷德 -还有吗
- Fred. - Is there more?
你得冷静
You're gonna have to calm down.
我做不到
I don't think I can.
和我一起坐下
Sit down with me.
呼吸
And breathe.
四秒吸气
Four seconds in.
四秒呼气
Four seconds out.
四秒吸气
Four seconds in.
一二三四
One, two, three, four...
四秒呼气 一二
Four seconds out. One, two...
四秒吸气 一二三四
Four seconds in. One, two, three, four...
你不用在呼吸时数数
You don't have to count while you're doing this.
四 很有用
...four. It helps me.
-一二三四 -开始
- One, two, three, four... - There you go.
一二三四
One, two, three, four.
一二三四
One, two, three, four.
一二三四
One, two, three, four.
-你会了 -还挺管用
- You got it. - That actually works.
这些家伙很棒
Those guys are good.
不过我们差点就死了
We did almost just die, though.
我们真的差点就死了
We actually did almost die.