差一点，真的只差一点

Hi. today's special is clam chowder,
你们好 今日的特餐是蛤蜊浓汤
and today's advice is don't eat it.
而今日的建议是别吃
Do you have Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?
你们这里有蛋"卷福"吗
You are really killing it tonight, Mary,
玛丽 你今晚真是笑"杀"四方啊
and leaving no evidence.
而且没留下任何证据
We're coming from Sherlock con.
我们刚参加完"神夏大会"
It's like Comic Con, but for Sherlock Holmes fans.
像是"动漫大会"的《神探夏洛克》版
So it's way cooler.
比"动漫大会"酷多了
Excuse me for a sec.
原谅我失陪一下
There's another waitress here
店里有另一位服务员
who is gonna be a big fan of all of this.
一定会很乐意看到你们的一举一动
You're welcome for what I'm about to show you.
带你看样东西 不用谢我了
Look, guess what they are.
你猜她们是什么来路
Time traveling lesbians.
穿越时空的拉拉吗
We're not lesbians. I am.
我们不是拉拉 我是
What is this? What just let out?
她们是哪个活动结束后放出来的吗
A sale at the Burlington Coat Factory?
低档商场大拍卖吗
They're Sherlock Holmes super fans
她们是《神探夏洛克》的死忠粉
coming from a convention,
刚参加完"神夏大会"
which means there are a lot of cats home alone right now.
现在肯定有无数猫在家中独守空闺啊
Well, I'd say the only mystery
现在唯一的谜题是
is who here gets laid the least.
谁"阴门最鲜为君开"吧
Hello.
你们好啊
Cracked it, Watson.
华生 咱们突破盲点了
One of those Sherlock ladies
有个神夏粉
left her carpal tunnel brace in here.
把她的腕隧道症护腕忘在这里了
No address, but there's a card that says,
里面没有主人地址 不过有一张写着
"In case of emergency, dial 1 800 chocolate.""
如发生紧急事故 请拨打1800 巧克力"
许多公司喜欢选能与产品有关联的号码 chocolate对照电话键盘上的字母即是电话号
And I'll take that.
这我收下了
Okay, everybody. It's that time again
好了各位 又到了这重大时刻
The diner's big spring clean!
餐厅的春季大扫除
Oh, my God, has it been six years already?
天啊 六年一度又到来了吗
too bad I just developed carpal tunnel.
可惜我刚得了腕隧道症
好发于得做重复性腕部活动的职业 能造成手部麻木 无力 疼痛等症状
Max, do you think you can fake a stroke?
麦克斯演得出假中风吗
Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm,
假中风 假高♥潮
basically anything that will get me out of work.
只要能偷懒 我啥都假得出
Okay, we have lots of chores to do,
我们有很多的活要干
and somebody will have to double up,
而且有人还得做二人份
because Earl asked me not to speak to him
因为厄尔叫我今晚
for the rest of the night.
不许再跟他说话
Didn't I tell you to keep my name out your mouth?
大爷不是让你连我名字都不许提吗
So, girls, what do you say we make it fun, huh?
姑娘们 我们把干活弄得好玩点如何
I'll read a chore. You raise your hand.
我念出一项工作 想做的人就举手
Scrape the fat puddle from under the stove!
清理灶台周围的油脂脏污
No takers?
没人要去吗
Next.
下一项
Clear the spider community in the walk in!
清除冷藏库里的蜘蛛团伙
No takers?
没人要去吗
Next.
下一项
Clear the spider community in the dish room!
清除洗碗盘区的蜘蛛团伙
No takers?
也没人要去吗
Han, sorry, I can't clean. I have carpal tunnel.
阿憨 抱歉 我不能清理 我得了腕隧道症
The doctor says I can't put any pressure on my wrist.
医生说我的手不能出力
And I can't clean either, Han. It's my jaw.
阿憨 我也不能打扫 我下颚有病
I've got real bad "T.M.Z."
我得了"T.M.Z"病[其实是杂志名字]
Oh, you girls are so full of crap,
你们俩妞真是信口雌[屎]黄
Like that third stall in the men's room.
跟满是屎的男厕三号间一样
Any takers?
有人要去吗
She was so friendly in the job interview.
她当初面试的时候明明还很友善呢
Bonjour, Max.
你好 麦克斯
Oh, Chef Nicolas.
尼可拉斯大厨
Why am I seeing you outside of pastry school?
为什么我会在不是学校的地方见到你呢
Is it about my flan?
是因为我的果馅饼作业吗
Because no one likes that stuff anyway.
反正也没人爱吃那玩意嘛
Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.
我不是为了那个而来的
I want to speak to Caroline.
我是想来跟卡洛琳谈谈
But, yes, I gave your flan a "C" minus.
不过我的确给了你的果馅饼"C "的分数
It was flat.
太平淡了
I'll go get her. Wow.
行 我去叫她
First time a teacher's ever called me flat.
第一次有老师说我"平"呢
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, my wrist!
我的手腕啊
Oh, I thought you were Han.
我还以为是阿憨来了呢
Please, I'm twice the man he is.
拜托 我比他还爷们两倍
Nicolas is here.
尼可拉斯来了
What? No, no, no!
什么 不 不行
He can't be in my personal life!
他不可以闯入我私人生活
I'm having a hard enough time
在学校躲他
avoiding working with him at pastry school.
就已经费了我很大劲了
Did I just call the diner my personal life?
我刚才把餐厅称为我的私人生活吗
I think so. I wasn't listening.
好像吧 我没在听
So what do I tell him?
那我该怎么跟他说
Tell him he's married, and I don't go out with married men.
说我不跟他这种有妇之夫约会的
Tell him what we had was a passing flirtation.
跟他说我们之前只是调戏挑逗罢了
Tell him now it's over, and he has to move on.
一切到此为止 别纠缠了
Got it, you died in a grease fire.
懂了 你死于厨房油脂走火
She's not here yet.
她还没到
Oh, well, will she be coming?
那她会来吗
Will she be coming? Nope, not anytime soon.
她会来吗 短时间内是不会了
Okay, I'll text her. Au revoir, Max.
好 那我发她短信 再见啦 麦克斯
Sir, don't take this the wrong way,
先生 别误会我的意思
but you are one fine looking man.
但我想说你很帅
Well, thank you very much.
谢谢夸奖
And back at you.
你也是
Tell me something I don't know.
能说点我不知道的吗
Look at this. Nicolas already texted me.
你看 尼可拉斯给我发短信了
"Will you have dinner?" What should I do?"
愿意共进晚餐吗" 我该怎么办
Just ignore it, like I'm doing with that table
装没看见啊 就跟我对那桌
that's flagging me down right now.
正对我招手的人一样
I'm putting a stop to this Nicolas thing.
我要为这尼可拉斯的事划下句点
"I'll have dinner with you"
等你跟你老婆离婚了
When you leave your wife."
我就跟你共进晚餐"
And se end.
送出出
If you ever say "se end" again,
你以后再敢说次"送出出"
we're not gonna be "fri ends."
我就会让你"滚粗粗"
Hey, everybody!
大家安安
I just got back from Sundance.
我刚从圣丹斯的独立电影节回来
I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies,
看了10部马克·鲁法洛电影
马克·鲁法洛 美国知名演员 曾出演多部电影 如《复仇者联♥盟》《惊天魔盗团》
and I got to watch Catherine Keener DJ.
还看到女演员凯瑟琳·基纳当DJ呢
Well, whoever that is.
又或者是别人吧
I was in an indie movie once.
我也曾经出演过独立电影
Well, a guy filmed me eating a sloppy joe
一男的拍我在运动用品店里的
in the dressing room of a Sport Chalet.
更衣室里吃着邋遢乔三明治
Sophie, how did you get into the Sundance film festival?
苏菲 你是怎么进圣丹斯电影节的呢
Oh, I'm dating one of the bigwigs.
我跟一个大亨[大假发]约会了
He drives the Miramax party bus,
他是电影公司派对车的司机
and he wears a big wig.
而且戴了顶大假发
So I'm thinking about producing my own movie.
所以我也在考虑自己拍一部片
You know, getting into the biz, babe.
你懂得 混进圈子嘛 宝贝
Sophie, if you need an actor, let me know.
苏菲 如果你需要演员就告诉我
But I'll only do full frontal.
但我只愿意正面全♥裸
I'll also do partial frontal or just penis close ups.
正面局部全♥裸或"神雕"特写也行
And if you need someone to play God, a judge,
如果你需要人来扮演天神 法官
黑人影星摩根·费里曼曾在电影《冒牌天神》 《虚荣的篝火》《贝拉的魔法》中饰演过这些角色
or an old guy sitting on a porch,
或者当个坐在前院的老头
I'm your man.
找我准没错
Everyone, keep piping your cakes.
大家继续给蛋糕裱花
Keep piping.
继续裱花
Max, vite, vite. You need to pipe that more.
麦克斯 快 快点 得多婊点花
That's funny, because my high school guidance counselor
有意思 想当年我高中时的辅导
员 told me I need to pipe way less.
总叫我少抽点大♥麻[裱花]
Max, you are falling behind today.
麦克斯 你今天进度落后了
Where's your Deke?
你的迪克[鸡鸡]呢
In my pants, where it always is.
跟平日一样收在我裤裆里呢
Oh, you mean Deke.
你是指迪克啊
He's got the flu. It's everywhere.
到处都在传染流感 他也染上了
No one can shake it. It's like Taylor Swift.
这感冒甩都甩不掉 跟泰勒·斯威夫特一样
Yeah, or pitbull.
也像咬人的斗牛犬
Okay, everyone, that's time.
好了各位 下课时间到了
I will see you all tomorrow. Au revoir, class.
下课 大家明天见
Au revoir, Chef.
大厨再见
Let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
走吧 走 走 走 走
Come on, come on, hurry. Let's get outta here.
走啦 快点 赶紧走人
What's the hurry?
干嘛这么着急
You sound like my mother whenever the real people
我妈发现我们偷住的房子
who lived in the house would come home.
主人回家时就会像你这么催我
We need to leave now,
我们现在得趁
while Nicolas is in his office.
尼可拉斯在他办公室里时开溜
I don't want him to see me.
我不想被他看到
I said everything I needed to say to him in my last text.
我上一条短信就跟他把该说的说清楚了
Ooh, I smell scandal.
我闻到了奸♥情
So I've been hiding in the stairwell all day.
所以我在楼梯间里躲了一整天了
Guess where those stairs go.
你猜楼梯间通向哪里了
A room where ten Vietnamese women
一间有十个越南女人的房间
are making next year's "Prada."
她们正在山寨明年款的普拉达
And they do not like visitors.
她们十分不喜欢"访客"哦
Oh, is that where you were?
原来你跑去那里啦
'Cause he asked me, so I told him you were pooping.
他之前也问过我 我就说你去拉屎了
Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!
麦克斯 你怎么能说我去拉屎了
There's no shame in it, Caroline.
这事又没什么好可耻的 卡洛琳
Everyone poops.
人生自古谁无屎
I don't.
我就没
I just eat, digest, and then an angel comes
我就吃 消化 然后会有天使
and takes it away in the night.
乘着夜色飞来将便便取走
Excuse me, John. This is private.
抱歉 强哥 这是私人谈话
It's just between us girls.
是我们姑娘们之间的密语
I know. That's why I'm standing here.
我知道啊 所以我才站在这边
Okay, I'm ready. Let me just grab
好了 我也好了 等我拿上
the medicine I got for Deke.
这个买给迪克的药吧
Aw, that's sweet. You got him antibiotics?
真有爱 你给他买抗生素了吗
No, I got him vicodin. I want him to feel better.
不是 我买了维柯丁 我想他舒服点
是一种鸦♥片类麻醉性镇痛药物 是处方药 有成瘾性 《豪斯医生》的爱用药
I just have to make it down the hall
我只要走过走廊到达电梯的期间
until the elevator without Nicolas catching me.
不要被尼可拉斯看见就行了
Oh, like sexual frogger.
就像是成♥人版的青蛙过街游戏
Game over. Your frog just got hit by a car.
游戏结束 你的青蛙被车碾死了
Caroline, there you are.
卡洛琳你在这里啊
I can't help feeling you're avoiding me or something.
我总觉得你可以在故意避开我
Avoiding you? No! I've been...
哪有避开你 我是去...
Pooping.
拉屎了
For five hours?
整整5小时吗
She had a reluctant stool.
她的便便有点宅
Oh, is that not helping?
帮倒忙了吗
Caroline, I have something to tell you.
卡洛琳 我有事想跟你说
Can we talk?
能聊两句吗
We're all waiting.
我们都在等呢
You know in your text how you said that
你还记得你那条短信中说
you won't have dinner with me while I'm still married?
"只要我还是有妇之夫 你就不跟我共进晚餐"
Better clear some space on my DVR.
我的电视硬盘录像机得清点空间了
There's a new Scandal.
新的《丑闻》要上映
Well, you can have dinner with me,
你现在可以放心与我共进晚餐
because I'm leaving my wife.
因为我要跟我老婆离婚了
Uh, hello? What happened?
你是怎么回事啊
Dude told you he was gonna leave his wife,
他刚跟你说要跟老婆离婚
and you left faster than Vladimir Putin at a gay bar.
你就逃得比误进男同酒吧的普京还快
俄罗斯总统普京去年七月立法禁止"非传统两性关系" 并可应用到同志或支持同志的外国旅客
It's all a blur. I blacked out.
我惊讶到记忆直接断片了
I don't even know how I got here.
我都记不得我是怎么来这里的了
I think I took the train, but, Max,
应该是坐火车吧 麦克斯
I might have taken the bus.
但也可能是堕落到坐了公车
It came out of nowhere.
他这消息太突然了
I never expected him to leave his wife.
我从没想过他会跟老婆离婚
It came out of your thumbs
这消息的源头
when you texted it to him.
就是你发给他短信的贱拇指
Look, when I texted him that,
我跟他发那条短信时
I was just being flirty.
就只是在挑逗他嘛
Flirty is me not wearing underwear
姐不♥穿胸罩去时代广场的
to the Times Square M&M store.
巧克力豆店才叫挑逗好吗
So you really don't want him to leave his wife?
所以你真不想他跟老婆离婚吗
No!
当然不想
I mean, sure, maybe I fantasized about it,
我的确是有这么意淫过
but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip,
但幻想中我们是在雪乡滑雪
and I was jumping up and down, excited,
然后我很兴奋地跟我最好的朋友
with my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.
珍妮佛·劳伦斯一起上蹦下跳
美国年轻女演员 出演过《饥饿游戏》系列 《美国骗局》等 已得过奥斯卡最佳女主与女配奖
Cool, maybe call Jen next time
你下次被垃圾桶边的负鼠吓到时
the possum traps you by the garbage cans.
记得打电话让你好友阿珍来救你啊
Look, I thought we were just having a fun distraction.
我以为我跟他就只是在消磨时间 图一乐嘛
You know, a couple kisses, a dry hump here and there.
也就是随便亲几下 偶尔"磨蹭磨蹭
Oh, like the cheerleaders with the good grades.
那种只乱不淫 成绩高分的"校花"吗
美国学校里的拉拉队成员通常都是校园美♥女 但她们普遍成绩较差 私生活颇为淫乱
Exactly. I'm not the type of person
没错 我不是那种
who wants him to leave his wife.
会破坏别人婚姻的人
No, you're the type of person
对 你是那种
who almost wants him to leave his wife.
差一点就要破坏别人婚姻的人
Yes! Yes, that's me!
没错没错 我就是这样
I'm the "almost" girl.
我就是传说中的"差一点"女孩
I almost lost my virginity 25 times.
我曾25次差一点失去我的童贞
This was my conversation with my friends
我高中时每周一跟我朋友的
every Monday in high school:
对话就是这样
"Did you?""
那个了吗"
"Almost."
"差一点"
Funny, 'cause I almost went to high school.
有意思 因为我差一点就去念高中了
Max, I have to figure out what to do about Nicolas
麦克斯 我得想办法阻止尼可拉斯
before he almost makes a big mistake
以防他差一点就铸成大错
and leaves his wife.
离开他的老婆
He's not leaving his wife for you.
他才不会为了你而离开他老婆
It's just a thing you say
男人对美♥女说这种话 to pretty women to get them into bed.
只是为了骗她们上床
Like, "I'm a Russian prince,"
就好像"我是俄罗斯的王子"
Or, "That was a good story."
或是"你的故事真有意思"
With a tank top collection like yours,
你有这么多款式的紧身小背心
I'm surprised you have to say anything.
哪还用得着编瞎话骗女人上床啊
I know, right?
就是说嘛
So you don't really think he's serious about leaving her?
所以你觉得他不是真的要离开他老婆吗
No. I've told dozens of women
不是 我跟大把女人说过
I'm leaving my wife for them,
我会为了她们离婚
and I'm not even married.
而我根本没有结婚
Here in America.
至少在美国没有
That was nice of Oleg.
奥列格太好了
Just when you think you've seen every part of a person
当你觉得你对一个人已经有全面的了解时
'cause he's shown you on his phone
因为他把"每一面"都用手机发给你看了
He surprises you.
他却给你惊喜
Oh, I feel so much better.
我现在感觉好多了
Nicolas is not going to leave her.
尼可拉斯不会离开他老婆
No, why would he leave her for you?
当然不会 他怎么会为了你离开他
Well, you don't have to be nasty about it.
你也不用说这么难听的话吧
Max, I just got another text from Nicolas
麦克斯 尼可拉斯又发短信跟我说
about him leaving his wife.
他要离开他老婆
Oleg, now he says he's telling his wife
奥列格 现在又说他明天四点
tomorrow at 4:00 that he's leaving her.
就要跟他的老婆摊牌
You got a timeframe?
还有时间表啦
Oh, if he puts a clock on it, it's happening.
如果他有订下时间表 那就是真的了
Pick up, cantaloupe.
上菜了 甜瓜
Max, there's a clock on it.
麦克斯 他连摊牌时间都定好了
But isn't his wife in France?
他老婆不是在法国吗
Yeah, but they Skype every day.
是啊 但他们每天都视频聊天
摩登原始人》的科技太空版本
They're like the French Jetsons.
他们就像法国版的《杰森一家》
He's gonna Skype break up with her?
他要用视频来说分手吗
That is low.
这招太贱了
And smart. Might steal that move one day.
也很聪明 或许某天我会偷来用
Oh, good, I see your wrist is better,
太好了 我看你手腕好很多了嘛
and I'm gonna need some help.
过来帮帮我吧
The cleaning situation has gotten a little complicated.
大扫除变得有一点点小棘手
The spider communities are at war.
两个蜘蛛团伙正在大战呢
Han, I can't clean.
阿憨 我没空打扫
I'm in the middle of ruining someone's marriage.
我正忙着处理破坏别人婚姻的事呢
Then, Max, please. Things are escalating quickly.
那拜托你了 麦克斯 战事正急速加剧
There was a discarded piece of ham,
因为有一块掉在地上的火腿
and apparently both kingdoms thought it was theirs.
现在两国都认为那是它们的
Oh, no takers?
没人要去吗
All right, enough with all this texting.
好吧 看来发短信没什么用
I need to stop this.
我得阻止这件事
I have to go over to his place tomorrow
我明天就去他家
and tell him face to face.
面对面跟他说清楚
Tell him face to face?
面对面跟他说
I don't even have sex face to face.
姐连做♥爱都不面对面做好吗
I hope Nicolas takes my breaking it off with him okay,
但愿尼可拉斯能接受我斩断情丝这件事
Because in my fantasy when I told him,
因为在我与他分手的幻想中
he wouldn't take no for an answer,
他不愿意接受我跟他分手
bought me a plane,
还给我买了架飞机
and I gave Jennifer Lawrence a ride home.
我就用飞机送了詹妮弗·劳伦斯回家
In my fantasy,
在我的幻想中
a talking dragon gave me a cape
一条会说话的龙给了我一条
that belonged to Jesus.
属于耶稣的披风
But that's probably because I took too many
不过可能是因为我早些时候
of Deke's vicodin earlier.
吃了太多迪克的维柯丁
The lobby told me you were on your way up.
楼下管理员说了你要上来
Caroline, I did not expect you.
卡洛琳 我真没料到你会来
But you knew I'd be coming?
所以你料的是我来吗
We need to talk, and Max is here for moral support.
我们需要谈一谈 麦克斯是来给我打气的
I know how this works by now.
我已经知道她的作用了
Come in.
进来吧
Okay, how do I put this?
好吧 我该怎么说呢
How do I put this?
我该怎么说呢
Nicolas, I came here today to tell you...
尼可拉斯 我今天来是要告诉你
to not do that.
不要这样做
But why? I want you so much.
为什么 我超级想要你
Okay, you you don't want me.
不是的 你才不想要我
You don't even really know me.
你根本不了解我
I do.
我了解你
You're sexy and funny and pretty and smart.
你性感风趣 漂亮聪明
Okay, you know me a little.
好吧 你是有那么点了解我
Look, I am not the type of person who breaks up marriages.
我不是那种会破坏人家婚姻的女人
No, she's the "almost" girl.
对 她是那种"差一点"女孩
She almost breaks up marriages.
她只差一点破坏别人婚姻
Yes, yes, that's who I am.
对 没错 我就是那种人
So I don't want you to make that call
所以我不想你打给你老婆
and break up with your wife over Skype.
然后通过视频聊天跟你老婆离婚
I am not breaking up with her over Skype.
我不会在视频聊天时跟她提离婚
Okay, great, perfect. No Skype.
好 非常好 那就不视频
No.
不视频
Because that's her in the lobby.
因为现在在大堂按铃的就是她
I'm breaking up with her in person.
我要当面跟她说离婚
Oh, my God, that's your wife in the lobby?
我的老天 按铃那个是你老婆吗
Your wife is here?
你老婆来了吗
What are we gonna do?
我们应该怎么办
Calm down. I can fix this.
冷静 我能搞定
You need a fake mustache, a fistful of paprika,
给我一撮假胡子 一把辣椒粉
and a new passport.
和一本新护照
If you don't have all three of those things,
如果这三样东西不全
I can make it work with two,
只有两样也行
as long as one of them is a mustache.
但假胡子一定要有
There's no other way out.
这里没有其他出口
Come on, Max, we have to get out of here now.
快点 麦克斯 我们得马上离开这
Oh, oh, yeah, and, uh,
对了 还有
don't leave your wife for me.
不要因为我而跟你老婆离婚
Whatever we had, it's over.
我们到此为止
Oh, and...
还有
this shouldn't reflect badly on me in school,
这事不应该拖累我在学校的表现
'cause I worked hard for that c minus.
老娘废了半天劲才得到那个C 呢
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
先别走 站住站住
Okay, but only because she just got out of the elevator.
好吧 不过是因为她刚出了电梯
She can't find me here. I can't be this girl.
不能被她发现我在这里 我不能成为这种女人
I don't want to be the whore he's leaving her for.
我不能成为破坏他们婚姻的婊♥子
That's my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
那是我最喜欢苏斯博士的一本书
美国二十世纪最卓越的儿童文学作家之一
Caroline, what are you saying?
卡洛琳 你这话是什么意思
You were just leading me on this whole time?
难道一直以来你都在误导我吗
Hold it, Pepe Le Pew.
别这么说 法国臭鼬
And, yes, I've been saving that one for after finals.
没错 我一直等考完试才敢这么叫你
It is not just Caroline.
不能全赖卡洛琳
You're been chasing after her harder than a fat kid
你追她比滚动甜甜圈大赛中
in a Rolling Doughnut contest.
追着甜甜圈的小胖仔还紧
That's true. Wait, wait, Caroline.
没错 等等 卡洛琳
Do we still have a shot or not?
我和你到底还有没有可能
No.
没可能
Then better go hide in the bathroom.
那你最好赶紧躲进浴室
I don't want this screwing up my marriage.
我可不想为此而婚姻破裂
What?
什么
Well, if you're not going to be with me,
如果你不打算跟我在一起
I'm going to have to stay with my wife.
那我♥干嘛要离开我老婆
I mean, I'm a man. I cannot be alone.
我可是个血气方刚的男人 离不开女人
Now, go, go, go.
赶紧躲起来
She cannot find you here in our apartment.
不能被她发现你在我公寓里
Why don't you just tell her the truth,
你干嘛不直接告诉她
that nothing happened between us?
咱俩之间是清白的
She will not believe me.
她不会相信的
I have a history.
因为我有前科
There are two of us here.
可这里有两个人呢
I also have that history.
我也有那种前科
Nicolas, c'est moi.
尼可拉斯 是我
Now go, please.
拜托你赶紧走
That's the least you can do after ruining my life.
你都要毁掉我人生了 赶紧行行好吧
Almost. Almost ruined your life.
是差一点 差一点就毁掉你的人生
Come on, Max.
快走 麦克斯
This is totally inconvenient.
这场面真是太让我为难了
My "C" better go up to a "B."
你最好把我的分数从C提到B
This is crazy, us hiding in a married man's bathroom
太没下限了 我们居然像两个廉价妓女
like a couple of cheap floozies.
躲在已婚男人的浴室里
So far, I'm just hearing a factual depiction
到目前为止 我听见的只是
of what's happening here.
你对事实的陈述
Let me see what's going on.
我去看看什么情况
I can't understand them.
完全听不懂
I thought you spoke French.
我以为你懂法语呢
Only enough to impress Americans.
只能在美国人面前显摆
Je dois utiliser les toilettes.
我要去厕所[法语]
Oh, my god. Les toilettes.
天啊 厕所
Les toilettes, that's where we are.
她说的就是这里
She's coming in here! What should we do?
她要进来了 我们该怎么办
Pretend we're hot plumbers?
假装我们是性感的水管工吗
Hide in the shower.
快躲进淋浴间里
I think she might notice us.
我觉得她会看见我们呢
You know that's all glass, right?
你们知道这全是玻璃吧
Let me just get you a clean hand towel.
我给你拿个干净的擦手毛巾
She has to pee pee.
她要尿尿
She can't come in here to use the toilet,
她不能进来用马桶
'cause my life is in it.
因为我屎一般的人生先占了
I know, this is unfortunate.
我知道 这真是太不幸了
So go out the window.
那你们从窗户走吧
What?
你说什么
It's not a problem.
没问题的
There's a ledge wide enough for you to walk
外面有个足够宽的窗沿 你们可以从那
to the neighbor's terrace, jump, and get away.
走到邻居家的阳台 然后跳过去逃走
Stephanie did it.
斯蒂芬妮就这么做
Who's Stephanie?
斯蒂芬妮是谁
That's...not important.
那不重要
She's fine.
重要的是她人没事
Now go. You have to go.
快走 你们必须得离开
Unless you think you and I still have a shot.
除非你觉得我们之间还有可能
I'll be on the ledge.
我现在就上窗沿
Come on, Max.
快点 麦克斯
No way, not happening, Lucy.
不要 不可能 露西
If he loses his bad marriage,
如果他失去这段烂婚姻
I'm responsible.
那我就是凶手
Almost. Almost responsible.
差一点 差一点就是凶手
Max, I wouldn't even be in this situation
麦克斯 如果不是为了把你弄进烘培学校
if I wasn't working with him to
我就不用跟他一起工作
put you through pastry school.
更不会沦落在今天这个田地
Oh, so this is my fault?
所以怪我咯
Max, please just let it be your fault.
麦克斯 你就当是你的错吧
It's completely doable.
完全是可行的
By the way, it's raining.
对了 外面在下雨呢
Come on. We can do this.
走吧 我们可以的
We've crawled 15 feet on our roof
我们在家楼顶爬上15英尺高
to get illegal cable.
就为了偷电视信号
Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale!
那是为了看《绝命毒师》的最终集
Something worth dying for!
就算摔死也在所不惜
Oh, my God, are you insane?
天啊 你疯了吗
Get back in here!
快进来
Max, maybe you're right.
麦克斯 或许你是对的
We should've taken the hot plumber route.
我们应该用性感水管工的那招
I'm coming back.
我现在就回去
My legs won't go!
我的腿吓得走不动了
Max, help me back!
麦克斯 拉我回去
Damn it. Damn it, bitch.
妈的 我恨死你了 贱♥人
She's in the bathroom.
她进厕所了
Oh, she closed the window.
她把窗户关上了
and she locked it. So go.
而且还锁上了 现在没回头路了
Go, go!
往前走吧
If Stephanie did it, we can too.
如果斯蒂芬妮能做到 我们也能
I can't believe we're up here all because of him.
真不敢相信因为他 我们得"铤而走险"
I am such a bad judge of character.
我看人真是没眼光
Of course you are. I'm your best friend.
废话 看你选我当你最好的朋友就知道
Max, I'm sorry. This is bad.
麦克斯 对不起 这真是太惨了
Well, at least it can't get any worse, unless we fall.
至少不会更惨了 除非我们摔下去
Oh! Or it starts to hail!
或者开始下冰雹
Ow! Ow! Hurts like "hail!"
哎哟 砸"雹"老娘了
It's clear! Come on!
他们走了 快走
I don't wanna die! Me neither!
我不想死 我也是
That's weird.
真是奇了怪了
For the first time in my life, I don't want to die.
我人生中第一次不想死
I have a boyfriend and my first "B."
我有了男朋友和我人生第一个"B"
Oh, God, I'm getting soft!
妈的 老娘内心变柔软了
I can't die! I haven't made my comeback yet.
我不能死 我还没东山再起呢
In my fantasy, you and I move into that penthouse
我还幻想着 咱俩会搬进我从詹妮
弗·劳伦斯
I bought from Jennifer Lawrence.
那里买来的的顶层公寓
Right over there, with the roof garden, see?
还有屋顶花园哦 就在那边 看见了吗
Are you two all right?
你们俩没事吧
I mean, whoever you are.
虽然我不认识你俩
Am I dead?
我死了吗
Almost. Almost dead.
差一点 差一点就死了
Oh, my God.
我的老天爷
What happened to you two?
你们俩怎么搞的
Well, we crashed through a window.
我们撞破了一扇窗
It was pretty dope.
超屌♥的
It was kinda like a Die Hard movie,
有点像电影《虎胆龙威》
if they ever let girls do cool stuff in those movies.
如果他们在电影里也让女人耍酷的话
The necks all right?
脖子还好吗
We have whiplash, and I have some bruises on my back.
我们颈部扭伤了 我背部也受伤了
Max took the brunt of the fall but feels nothing
麦克斯摔得最重 不过她不觉得疼
because she's mostly made of vicodin.
因为她体内主要成分是维柯丁
Well, I'm glad you survived,
很高兴你没事
because I don't know what I would do
因为如果你不在我身边
without you around here.
我不知道该如何是好
Aw, thanks, Earl.
这话真窝心 厄尔
I meant you.
其实我指的是你
I know.
我知道
Max, how were you ever strong enough
麦克斯 你怎么会这么有劲 to hold me up with one arm?
用一只手就把我拉回来
It's the arm I used to drag my mother
我小时候就经常用那只手
out of bars with as a baby.
把我妈从酒吧里拽出来
Well, I want to say something to you.
我有话要对你说
I hope you know that if you were the one
我想让你知道 如果在窗沿
that slipped on that ledge
滑倒的那个人是你
I would be dead.
我肯定就死了吧
Well, I'm glad that's out in the open.
很高兴你能明白这个道理
Hey, everybody!
各位安安
I have an update about my life!
我有近况要通报
What happened to you two?
你们俩怎么搞的
Sophie, we had an accident. It's a long story.
苏菲 我们发生了意外 说来话长啊
Yeah, all of yours are.
你的故事都很长
Well, I'm out of the movie business.
我要退出电影圈
I broke up with my bigwig from Miramax.
我跟电影公司的的那位大假发分手了
We got in a huge fight,
我们大吵了一架
And he threw his big wig at me.
他还拿他的大假发扔我
He told me I'd never eat lunch in this town again.
他警告我永远别想在这城市里吃上午饭
And I said,
而我说
"Hey, if I'm in town,"
如果我在市里
I'm eating lunch, baby!"
姐饿了就会去午饭 宝贝"
Oh, no. No, no, no,
不是吧 甭装了
I don't have spider bites over half my body
我全身到处被蜘蛛咬得遍体鳞伤
so you two could fake another injury.
不是为了让你们俩能继续装病的
Nice try.
想得美
Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.
一定很疼吧