Hey, I'm sleeping at Deke's house tonight.
Wink, wink, winky wink.
眨眼 眨眼 你懂的
Deke's house? You mean your boyfriend's dumpster?
Yeah. So I need a, uh
No, a condom.
I'm about to have sex, and I want it to feel bad.
I should have one in my purse from the last time I had sex.
They had purses the last time you had sex?
No, we carried animal hides tied with sticks.
It hasn't been that long.
Oh, here's one next to this movie ticket stub from Precious.
Okay, it's been that long.
You saw Precious without a condom?
It says, "Best if used before september 2012."
Just like the milk here.
I wish I knew a guy with a condom.
A man, any man.
Oleg, do you happen to have
Okay, this should get you through the night.
But if it doesn't, you can use this freezer bag
and a rubber band.
Max, I laid out the little cups,
so all you have to do is fill them with cole slaw.
Said the girl who was on the Forbes
"Top ten to watch" list."
I can't do my side work tonight.
Normally I'd say it's because I'm drunk,
but tonight it's because my back hurts and I'm drunk.
Here, babe, I got you something
that might help your back feel better.
A breast reduction?
Why would you spit in the face of God?
Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
And if they are, I am going with them.
I got some cooling patches to soothe her muscles.
And when that doesn't work,
I have another brand called "Maui wowie."
I'll see you later. Love you. Love you.
晚点见 爱你 我也爱你
Deke, breath. What is that?
Teriyaki beef jerky. Why, is it bad?
No. Give me another hit.
That is delicious.
You know it.
Max, since you guys are getting serious,
why not go on the pill,
so every night you won't have to play
"What can we turn into a condom?""
The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.
That's more than it costs to raise a damn baby.
Well, your boyfriend's rich. He can afford to pay for it.
Great, now I'm a white trash mom.
Uh uh, no way.
I'm saving Deke's fortune for more important things,
Like Doritos Dinamita.
Pretty much the filet mignon of corn chips.
I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,
but the one man interested in me is married,
so I guess that's more of a bitter pill.
Seriously, Max. Think about it. Fine.
说认真的 麦克斯 考虑考虑 好吧
Why don't guys have to take the pill?
We have to take all the pills. Birth control, midol, roofies...
Chef Nicolas. What are you doing in the diner?
Oh, no, I never wanted you to see me wearing this.
Yeah, so be a gentleman and take a step back,
'cause as bad as it looks, it smells worse.
I think you look beautiful.
Your wife looks beautiful.
Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.
行啊 姑娘 上
May I see you alone over there in the, uh...
I guess one would call it a restaurant?
But just for a minute. I'm working.
What's that smell?
That's today's special. Beef pot pie.
Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.
That's because it's not beef,
It's not made today, and it's not special.
We have all this relationship drama,
and we're not even in a relationship.
Please get to know me better.
Come to my home for dinner.
Dinner at your home, just you and me?
How do you think your wife would feel about that?
We have an open relationship.
Did you think I'm the type of man
who would have sex with another woman
without asking my wife?
That is so American.
Max? Why are you calling Max?
I want to make sure I haven't lost my mind.
Nicolas said he told his wife about me,
and she gave him permission for us to sleep together.
Ha! Good one!
My boss at Quiznos once told me his wife's dying wish
was that I let him motorboat me.
Okay, so she may have been motorboated out of Quiznos.
But I am not falling for this.
Yes, I thought you wouldn't believe me,
So I set up a Skype call with her from France on Friday.
Wait, you want me to Skype with your wife about sex?
Am I on Dr. Phil?
I got a new dress, and it's bitchin'.
Hey, look at him. Oh.
Nobody told me they added beefcake to the menu.
Excuse me, beefcake has been on the menu
since I started working here.
There's somebody in the diner as good looking as me.
Hi, I'm Sophie Kuchenski.
And he's French too?
Oh, come on!
I'm sorry, I was in the middle of a conversation with Caroline.
Me, the one whose feet you're standing on.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this the married guy?
I'm gonna give you two days' head start, and then he's mine!
Why do you care what his wife thinks about your hair?
You're not gonna be sleeping with her.
Although you'd be a lot more interesting if you did.
I'm not gonna be sleeping with him either.
And when I tell his wife that, I want to look good doing it.
I have to look 20% better than her.
And since Skype makes you look 20% worse,
I have to look 40% better than I do now.
You realize talking about math in a hair salon
is my worst nightmare, right?
Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.
Hi, hello. We're here for the... student haircut.
你好 我们是来做... 学生剪发的
The $6 haircuts for poor people6
from the people who don't really know how to cut hair yet.
Max, that's not true. This is the Tristan Evans salon.
麦克斯 才不会呢 这发廊很出名呢
I'm sure that everyone that's enrolled here is a genius.
At least tell me they're gay.
Just have a seat over there.
I'll have somebody come up from the hair school and shh!
Hair school. Got it.
We'll just take a seat over there till they arrive.
Girl, you just sit there, relax,
妹儿 你就坐好 放轻松
and let jameis make this head major.
So weird, 'cause I majored in head.
Girl, you are all everything.
That's a little cold.
I'm sorry, what was your name again?
Uh huh. Dan? So just Dan?
You're not, like, a Danny or a Dantrell?
I need to get conditioner.
Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.
靠 麦克斯 我的美发师是直男
What makes you think he's straight?
He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.
Is the water too warm?
Why? Are my pants too wet?
Girl, are we in love?
Max, I need you to give me your gay.
I'd give you my left nut before I give you my gay.
You weren't even gonna get your hair done.
Yeah, but I always wanted to know
what it felt like to get a shampoo
without a school nurse running that tiny comb through my hair.
I have a magazine over there
with a photo of a chic, piece y, choppy bob.
You can do that, right? Sure.
Piece of bob. Got it.
简单 棱角短 没问题
'sup? Dan, Dan, Dan!
姑娘不错哦 丹 丹
Okay, done. You're ready to cut.
好 洗完了 可以剪了
Let's go. I can't risk some discount hetero cutting my hair.
I'll see you at home. I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.
That should've been mine.
I haven't had a hairgasm in years.
She hasn't had any gasm in years.
Oh, my God!
Max, is that hair your new form of birth control?
You look like Dame Edna.
That's what I asked for!
Now my outside matches my inside
because I've always been an old drag queen
trapped inside the body of a young black girl.
Oh, hi, Max.
Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.
I used it to smuggle cheese and cigarettes into the prison.
Oh, hey, Caroline.
Still not sleeping with that French guy
that I'm sleeping with?
Still not, Sophie. He's married.
就是不要 苏菲 他结婚了
'cause I'm here to talk to that wife
and throw my hoo ha into the ring.
I even bought myself a flat French hat
to make me more French.
Yeah, I got me the hat
'cause I didn't have time to grow out my pits.
Okay, the call is in one minute. I'll just do it from here.
I was planning to be holding my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,
but the cat took a dump in it.
And, Max, bring that lamp closer to my face,
So I don't have eight Skype chins.
Fine, but if I get too close to the bulb,
my hair might blow up.
Here she is.
Sophie, good bye.
Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.
别想 我才不走呢 宝贝
That French hottie and I are perfect for each other.
I mean, look at me.
I'm wearing a beret. I have a baguette.
Bonjour, bitches!贱♥人们 姐来啦
Okay, take a deep breath, and remember, this is ridiculous.
深呼吸 然后别忘了 这事真是狗屁不通
Bonjour. You must be Juliette.
It is nice to meet you.
And you as well, Juliette.
I just want to set the record straight about Nicolas and I.
I am not the type of
Yes, you have my permission to sleep with Nicolas.
That's it? She's gone?
I didn't even get to say "hos before bros" in French.
So much more to say.
What more is there to say?
She said we could sleep with him.
No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas,
no matter what his wife says.
Good, 'cause you could never share a French guy.
You won't even share your French toast.
Thanks for coming.
I promise, just one drink at Nicolas's,
and then we'll go to the movies.
And, Max, I can't believe you went out with that hair in public.
I like it.
You look like my Aunt Esther, but not as hot.
I see you brought Deke and...
The only thing this hair and my mother have in common is
they're both high.
Nicolas, I'm not staying.
I know you went to a lot of trouble with dinner,
So I didn't want to be rude,
but we can only stay for one drink.
God, you look beautiful.
Maybe two drinks.
But definitely no dinner.
Well, that dinner we weren't staying for was delicious.
Yeah, we should not stay more often.
I like your loft, man.
It's the perfect place to live
if you like to commit really sexy crimes.
Well, we should go.
No. You're not staying for dessert?
You're breaking my heart.
Well, maybe just one piece. We can share it.
I thought you didn't want to share.
He's not married to his dessert, Max,
And it's just one piece.
We're here, so he doesn't get a piece.
You got a pretty sweet setup for a married man who's single.
Creme caramel au coconut cake.
Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.
I love to cook for friends.
Nicolas, just because your wife gave me permission
does not mean I'm gonna let you take me over
to that king size bed with
what looks like really good sheets
and make love to me all night long.
and then again that morning.
So how's your back, Esther?
I have to tell you something.
Is it your heart?
No, I'm on the pill.
I know. You're on a lot of pills.
No, a pill pill.
The pill pill pill?
You just pop 'em out one at a time.
They're like pez for sluts.
Speaking of sluts...
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
And I've testified against half my family.
I agree, Max.
Things are a little uncomfortable.
So why don't we just make this as weird as possible?
Damn it, I knew he was gonna kill us.
Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.
Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.
好了 我们该走了 艾斯特
No, morty, sit down! I'm not missing the show.
不行 莫蒂 给我坐下来看戏
It comes with dinner.
Tango? Nicolas, you cannot be serious.
探戈 尼可拉斯 你在开玩笑吗
Oh, maybe you cannot dance, Caroline?
One summer, I taught ballroom dance to homeless teens.
Because when you're dancing, you're not hungry?
This is my least favorite part of the Addams Family.
Look at his pants. I know.
That tango is giving him even less ball room.
Stay. We don't have to have sex.
We don't? I promise.
I have to go to the restroom, Max. So do you.
我要去洗手间一趟 麦克斯 你也是
Come in, come in, come in, come in, come in.
进来 快进来 快进来
Okay, where's the coke?
There is no coke.
Why would you call anyone into a bathroom if you don't have coke?
No, I was just gonna talk to you.
Oh, then I'm definitely gonna need coke.
Okay, look. You are not sleeping with him.
Of course not.
But tonight I'm thinking there's something special here.
I mean, we talked, and we laughed.
What is this, "Previously on Caroline"?
If you guys are doing blow in here without me,
I'm gonna be so pissed.
No, Caroline wants to have sex with Nicolas.
Even after that tango?
Listen, now I'm thinking I want to sleep over,
but not have sex.
Is that where he puts it in but doesn't move it around?
That's what I do when you're passed out.
That's what I do when you're passed out.
Look, nothing is going in anywhere.
I just want to get to know him better.
You really think you can sleep in his bed with him
and not use his penis as a body pillow? Of course.
I've done that with every boy on the upper east side.
That's why they called me the east side snuggler.
And trust me,
even though his wife begged me to have sex with him,
I'm not going to.
But didn't you tell us the whole reason you dragged us here
was because you were afraid of being alone with him?
What is this, "Previously on Caroline"?
Look, I get it.
And if you two really don't think I'm capable
of not having sex with him,
then hang out for a bit until you're sure that I'm fine.
Fine, but we are not staying all night.
Here are some blankets for you, Max and Deke.
You can take the couch.
Caroline and I will take the bed.
Once again, our apologies.
We are just too drunk to go.
You did share that one glass of wine.
Yup, we are too drunk.
So too drunk to walk?
Well, I don't know. You be the judge.
I am so sorry about this.
It's fine, Caroline.
I know what's going on here.
Oh, and, Nicolas, before you go,
I just wanted to say thanks again for the drinks,
and Deke's pillow.
We get it, grandma. Good night.
我们懂你意思了 老古董 晚安
We'll be right over there.
And I'll be right over here.
Good night, sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs have sex with you.
Uh, you and I are gonna do it, right?
Oh, yeah. Think I took my pill this morning.
Either that or I didn't take my pill.
Wow, Max, this is a big step
that you may or may not have taken today.
You know if it's too much trouble,
we don't have to go off condoms.
So you're the one guy in the world
who wants to still wear a condom?
Do you have something?
No, it's not like that.
I'm just saying the pill is a big commitment.
Oh, so do you not want to take this step?
Because I already went to Planned Parenthood,
and I never plan anything.
Max, I guess I'm just surprised Hold that thought.
麦克斯 我只是有点意外 等下再说
I hear nothing. So?
So that's what Caroline sounds like during sex!
Keep talking like I'm here.
Ah, oh, yeah, baby!
Right there! That's the spot!
Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!
Well, if you were still here, that's what I'd be saying.
I'm sorry, I'll switch it up.
Uh, go fish, Max.
Max, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
We're just lying here talking.
No, we're not. I'm really turned on.
Why? What's he doing to you?
It's not him, it's me. I'm the predator here.
不是他 是我自己 我是肉食女
You were right. You better stop me.
Get up here with us.
I'm not getting in bed with you.
Max, get in the bed.
I know a jaques block when I see one.
I am so sorry.
This is silly. I know it must be hard for you.
Uh, not anymore.
You know, last night when you and I were in bed,
I realized I guess Nicolas is just gonna be one of
those people in my life that I'm always gonna
almost have sex with, but I never will.
Yeah, like me and you.
Hey, Deke. Hey, Earl.
你好 迪克 你好 厄尔
Best conversation I had today.
Max, last night I got the idea that maybe you thought
that I didn't want to take our relationship to the next level.
What is this, "Previously on Deke"?
And just to prove that I do want to go to the next level,
I got you a ring.
Oh, my god, Max! I'm so happy for you!
天啊 麦克斯 真为你感到开心
Even though I thought I'd be the first one to get engaged.
I think we all thought that.
Deke, I don't know what you're gonna pull out of your pocket,
but it better be a gun.
Actually, I know you don't want a ring ring.
but how about a nuvaring?
How did you know my size?
I can't wait to try it on.
Well, I am not throwing you a shower for that.
After I saw how you maybe forgot to take your pill on day one
and then took pills all day just to be safe,
I thought you'd need a little help.
So there, Max. Will you not have children with me?
You're damn right I won't.
Oh, wait, I think these take a couple days to work.
Where are we gonna get a condom for tonight?