都是手机惹的祸

Oh, hey.
哦 嘿
You ready?
可以点单了吗?
I can't. I just can't.
我做不到 臣妾做不到
Everyone feels like that
每个刚来这地方吃饭的人
the first few times you eat here.
都会有这种感觉
It's like heroin.
就像吸毒一样
It makes you sick, and you think,
让你觉得恶心 然后你想
"I'll never do that again," and here we are."
不可能有第二次了" 但你还是来了
No, we put our project on Kickstarter,
不 我们把自己的项目放到"梦想成真"网
and we're getting major funding right now.
现在收到了一大笔资金
And I can't. I just can't.
而我做不到 就是做不到啊
Kickstarter... that's the website"
梦想成真" 这网站
where strangers give money for crap
就是陌生人会在这儿 把钱捐给
that no one in the real world would invest in, right?
在现实中没有人会投资的垃圾玩意儿
Exactly, but our project isn't crap.
没错 但我们的项目不是垃圾
It's bananas.
而是创意
We design candles with arms.
我们设计给蜡烛装上手臂
I can't. I just can't.
我做不到 臣妾做不到啊
Don't you have a passion project...
难道你就没有什么梦想计划
something you've always wanted to do?
一些自己渴望以求的事情吗
Yeah, you can't just want to be a waitress
是啊 你总不能一辈子
your whole life.
只想做个服务员吧
Actually...
其实呢...
I do have a Kickstarter idea.
我确实想要梦想成真
I'd like to start kicking your asses!
那就是我想踹你们屁♥股!
You know we work for tips, right?
你知道我们靠小费为生吧?
Yeah. This one got away from me.
好吧 刚刚那个离我而去了
Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday,
听好了 今天是周四
and like Martin Luther King, I have a dream.
正如马丁路德金的演讲一样 我有一个梦想
Tonight you will do side work.
今晚你加班
Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes till my shift starts.
慢着 妹纸 我还有十分钟才轮班
Max, that is not appropriate.Max
你怎么能这么叫我
I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl."
我是你老板 别叫我"妹纸"
Yes, ma'am.
遵命 夫人
Okay, you want to play? I'll play.
好吧 你想玩? 我就陪你玩
Hey, sir. Hey, big manny man.
嘿 先生 嘿 娘娘腔
Why don't you show me your penis?
给我看看你的鸡鸡如何?
Han, you know I don't have a penis.Han
你知道我没有鸡鸡的
It's the only thing we have in common.
这是我们唯一的共同点
Where's Caroline?Caroline
去哪了?
In the back at our cupcake shop.
在后面的蛋糕店里
Why? You don't open your walk up window
啥? 就不能等这边打烊了
till you close here at night?
你们那边才开张吗?
She's getting a jump on our side work.
我们的店她也得去帮忙啊
What? We can't do ours and yours.
怎么? 我们没办法两边兼顾嘛
Relax, Marjorie.
别担心 小辣妹
Keep it up, Max,
你就继续吧 Max
and one day I will show you my penis.
总有一天我会给你看我的鸡鸡
And you'll be sorry.
而你会后悔的
Yes. Yes, I will.
好吧 我确实会的
That's it! New rule!
够了! 新规矩!
No more making fun of the boss!
不许嘲笑你的老板
Han doesn't want us calling him names anymore.Han
不想被咱们笑话了
It's like, if you don't want to be called names,
可是如果你不想被人家笑话
don't look like that.
就不要长得那么好笑嘛
# When a fire starts to burn, right... ##
当火焰开始燃烧 #
Why is the window open? What is all that?
窗口怎么开了? 外面在干嘛?
It's me, if I had lived.
那就是前世的我啊
# When a fire starts to burn, right... ##
当火焰开始燃烧 #
Oh, my god. Did you see that rack?
天啊 你看到那大衣架了吗
See it? I have to carry it around all day.
看到? 我自己就整天扛着的这对活"衣架"啊
I've been wearing the same clothes
我每天穿同一件衣服
every day for two years.
都两年了
Now, I know that's your dream scenario.
我知道这是你的梦想场景
But to me, it's a horror show.
但对我 简直就是恐怖秀
Go get new clothes.
去买新衣服啊
Just go to the place around the corner
就去街角的那家
and buy some cheap ones.
买些便宜货
Max, they sell clothes by the pound.Max
他们卖衣服都是按斤称的
That's why it's called the Fashion Pound,
所以才叫时尚之称
and that is why it is awesome.
也是它霸气所在啊
Look, I'm willing to cut a lot of other things,
听着 我愿意舍弃很多东西
including my wrists, but I need quality clothes.
包括我的手腕 但我需要高档衣服
The only reason I've been able to wear these pants every day
我每天都穿这一条裤子的唯一原因
is because they're quality.
是因为这裤子高端洋气上档次
Well, that and a lot of Febreze,
当然 也少不了除臭剂的功劳
Which reminds me...
这也提醒了我
I used to smell like money.
我从前一身的有钱气息
Now I smell like pennies.
现在只剩铜臭了
And, Max, you need a hit.
还有你 Max 你也来一喷吧
'Breze me.
来吧
Hi, girls.
嗨 姑娘们
Did you see the high fashion model shoot?
看到时尚模特在拍片了吗?
I was too short to be a model in poland.
在波兰时 我因为太矮而当不了模特
Well, I guess you can't have it all, right?
看来人总是无法两全其美 对吧
Do I smell febreze?
是除臭剂的味道吗?
That's my second favorite scent.
这可是我第二喜欢的气味
Oh, and there' s my first favorite scent.
哦 那是我第一喜欢的气味
Hey, Sophie.
嘿 Sophie
I'm sorry. Have we met?
抱歉 我们认识吗?
I'm not good with faces that I never want to see again.
我对自己不想再见到的人 没啥记性
What happened?
怎么了?
I thought you guys were gonna be friends.
我还以为你们仍是朋友
Yeah, messed up, passive aggressive friends
对啊 那种能瞎搞 你攻我受
who occasionally sleep together,
不时滚个床单的朋友
Like Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.
就像"美国偶像"的主持Ryan和评委Simon那样
Oh, okay, I see what you're doing.
哦 好吧 我明白你什么意思了
You're pretending like we don't have
你装作咱们俩只是素不相识的人
movie character names for our private parts.
却上演了"激♥情燃烧的岁月"
Well, good bye, miss,
小姐 再见了
and give my regards to Mrs. Doubtfire.
你这不男不女的伪装怪
Okay, E.T., go home!
外星人 滚回你的火星去吧
Here's your mail, girls.
这是你们的信件 姑娘们
Max, Sophie had a new purse.Max
连Sophie也买了新包
Everybody has something new.
所有人都买了新东西
Even the homeless lady on the bus
就连公车上的流浪♥女
had a new barrette,
也有个新发夹
and even though her feet were split open,
虽然她的双脚都干裂脱皮了
I still felt jealous.
我仍然羡慕嫉妒恨
Oh, this is not a bill.
哦 这个不是账单
Now, that's a first.
还真是头一回啊
"we are offering you a new phone,"
我们将为您提供新手机
"as older flip model phones such as yours
因为您旧型号的翻盖手机
have been degraded."
已经落后了
They're slut shaming phones now?
现在连手机也有淫♥荡型的了?
I don't want a new anything.
我才不要什么新玩意儿
And I like my old flip.
我喜欢我的老翻盖手机
Where's my damn letter from the pants company,
裤子公司怎么不给我来封信啊
Saying, "girl, those things are tired...
写着 "姑娘 您的裤子太旧了
Here's a new pair for free"?
所以给您免♥费送一条裤子
If you want something for free,
如果你想要免♥费的东西
Why don't you just go on kickstarter
你为啥不去"梦想成真"网试试
like everyone else?
别人都这样做的
You can't use it for clothes.
这网站不能用来要衣服吧
Can you?
你能吗
And if you can, can I?
要是你能的话 我能吗?
Why not? It's no stupider than candle arms.
有啥不行 蠢得过带手臂的蜡烛吗
Now, if the candles had real arms
要是那些蜡烛真的有手
and could slap the idiots who bought them,
那它们就打死买种这东西的蠢货
I'd invest in that.
那我也愿意投资
Max, we have nothing,Max
我们一贫如洗
and if anybody is giving us something for free,
如果有人愿意免♥费给咱们东西
we're taking it.
我们就要接受
You are getting that free phone,
你去要那个免♥费的手机
and I am begging for free clothes.
而我去讨要免♥费的衣服
Things are looking up.
时来运转了
You might want to kickstart some underwear.
你可能还要去讨点内♥裤
Well, obviously, they don't have anything.
显然这里啥都没有
Let's go.
走吧
Max, stop. My pants just ripped some more.Max
站住 我的裤子又裂开了一点
I have to fix them again.
我要再修一下
Hey, quality, why don't you just take them
嘿 讲究人 你为啥不把裤子
to office depot and get them tailored?
拿去办公用品店缝一下?
Let's shop.
咱们开逛吧
Ow.
嗷
Uh oh, they're ripping again.
呃 又撕开了
I feel a breeze up in my febreze.
除臭剂的味道都被吹上来了
How can I help you?
有什么我能帮你的吗?
Oh, hey. Hi, uh, Chiandra.
嗨 Chiandra
Where can I get a new flip phone?
我在哪里能拿到新的翻盖手机?
Mm, let me think.
呃 我想想
Guatemala.
危地马拉国吧
I'll miss you, phone. This is breaking my heart.
我会想念你的 手机 太伤心了
Come on, boo.
得了吧
It's a phone, not Bruno Mars.
只是个手机而已 又不是火星哥
(Bruno Mars 昵称火星哥 美国知名歌手)
Now, I need that letter.
我要看看那封信
Oh, here it is. I have it.
哦 在我这
It's in my purse.
在我的包包里
What's her story?
她怎么了?
Why is her hand on her ass?
干嘛总是捂着屁♥股?
Her staples popped.
她的钉子爆开了
Lap band?
做縫胃手术了?
Happened to my cousin.
我表妹也是这样
She had a diet 7 up and exploded.
她喝了一罐无糖七喜 然后胃爆开了
Then she got M.S.
然后她就得了多发性硬化症
According to judge Joe Brown, it was not related.
但套用乔·布朗法官的话来说 两者并无联♥系
Uh, here, I'll just take this one.
啊 我就拿这一款手机好了
Slow down, now. Take a look around.
先别急 你可以慢慢选啊
You got a whole world of possibilities.
这林子里的鸟任你挑
Pick 'em up, get a feel,
你可以先拿着 感受一下
hold it in your hand for a while.
握在手里感受一下
Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars.Chiandra
这只是手机 又不是火星哥
Oh, "texting is easy
哦 "本机发短信很方便
with the new finger friendly keyboard."
因为采用了全新的手指灵便键盘设计"
My fingers are already too friendly.
我的手指已经过于灵便了
Ask my fourth grade boyfriend.
问问我四年级时的男朋友就知道
Wow. These sample texts are getting kind of racy.
哇 这些示例短信略猥琐啊
"bad news... I think the condom broke last night.""
坏消息... 我觉得昨晚套套破了
Why would anyone put that on a display model?
怎会有人把这话放在样机上啊?
That's mine.
那是我的手机
I left it there by accident.
我不小心落在那里的
But that's not your problem.
但这不关你们的事啦
Now, tell me, what are your phone needs?
告诉我 你对手机功能有什么需求?
Uh, my needs are simple.
我的需求很简单
I need a phone that can draw a mustache on people
用手机可以把别人PS得很丑
and occasionally will call my mother and hang up.
然后偶尔能给我妈打那种一响就挂的电话
And she needs one with a good camera,
她的手机还需要一个高端摄像头
because I have to film my video pitch for new pants.
因为我要为了集资买新裤子录视频
I have a hole in my butt.
我屁♥股上有个洞
You know you're supposed to, right?
人本来就该有个屁♥眼的 对吧
Max, I might be a virgin again.Max
我可能又变成处女了
I love my new phone!
我爱我的新手机!
It's so cool and red.
这可是酷炫红哦!
It feels like anything could happen!
好像有了它就有了全世界!
But it probably won't.
虽然这不太可能实现
My first call.
我第一通来电
What do I do?
我要怎么做?
What do I do?
怎么做才能接?
Oh. Hello?
哦 喂?
Oh, hey, girl, good for you. Bye.
嘿 妹子 好样的 再见
Chiandra's not pregnant.Chiandra
没有怀孕
Max, why are you taking calls from Chiandra?Max
你干嘛要接Chiandra的电话啊?
We have to do my video.
要开始帮我录视频了
I had to take her call.
我必须得接她的电话啊
She gave me a bunch of free apps...
她给我一堆免♥费的应用...
Angry birds, doodle jump.
愤怒的小鸟 涂鸦跳跃
If you want to look like a dog, I could do that.
如果你想变成狗的样子 我也可以做到
Look, here's me as a St. Bernard.
看 这是我变成圣伯纳犬的照片
See my neck keg?
看到我的项圈了吗?
Okay, I've done some research,
我做了些调查
and here's some things other people want money for.
有关其他人想集资得到的东西
One woman wants money for a new leg.
有个女的想要买条新的假腿
Scrolling.
往下翻
Wait. If she only has one leg,
慢着 如果她只有一条腿
shouldn't she be on can't kickstarter?
她应该去"踢不了人"那种网站才对吧
Oh, I'm no longer working with them.
噢 我已经不在那里混了
They denied my project.
他们拒绝了我的项目
Apparently, I'm not artsy enough
很显然 我不够文艺
and have too many legs.
而且我腿太多
So now I'm on Go Fund Yourself.
所以我投奔"为自己集资"站了
Oh, perfect.
好样的
I've been telling you to go fund yourself for years.
我跟你说了好几年要为自己集资了
The future of my pants hinges on the video pitch.
我未来的裤子 就指望这条视频了
The tone needs to be sad and pathetic.
我要用很可怜很可悲的语气
Uh, preparation done.
这你老早就准备好了
What's sadder than former billionaire Caroline Channing
有什么能比前亿万富婆Caroline Channing
asking for money for pants?
讨钱买裤子更可悲啊?
Oh, they're not gonna know it's me.
他们不会知道那是我的
Are you being funded by Al Qaeda?
你这是为基♥地♥组♥织集资吗
If they're buying, I'm taking.
如果他们愿意付钱 我就收
And action.
开机
Hi. I can't tell you my name,
大家好 我不能告诉你们我的名字
And I can't show you my face because I'm too ashamed.
我也不能露脸 因为太难为情了
Sadly, I find myself in a situation
很悲哀 我现在已经穷得
where I am no longer able to provide myself
没办法给自己买件
with the garments I need in order to be the best
可以日常穿的
in my day to day life.
高档衣服
I'm aware that this is not a problem for everybody.
我知道不是人人都会穷到这种地步
Stop, stop! I need to take a picture of myself
停 停! 我得照张相记录下这一刻
having the most fun I've ever had.
真是有史以来最搞笑的
Your nose is coming out of your eyehole.
你鼻子从眼睛那个孔出来了
No.
不行
No, no, no, Max, don't stop.
不行 不行 Max 别停
I'm in a groove.
我刚进入状态啊
No, you're in a bag.
不 你是进入了袋子
Please let me take a picture of you in a bag
让我帮你拍一张头套袋子的照片吧
and then turn it into a dog and then call it a doggie bag.
然后我把你PS成小狗 称之为狗食袋
Go, Max, I'm running out of oxygen,
快点 Max 我快缺氧了
and I think there was cheese in here.
而且这袋子有股奶酪味儿
And action.
开始
If I achieve my goal,
如果我达到目的
specifically, a new pair of quality pants，
具体来说 就是买到一条新的高档裤子
then I promise I will give back to the community,
那我保证我会穿着那条裤子
wearing said pants.
回报社会
All I need is $1,500.
我只需要一千五
Stop! Whoa! $1,500?
停! 喔! 一千五?
How many pounds of clothes are you getting?
这么多钱你打算买多少斤衣服啊
Look, it's for one pair
拜托 这钱是用来买一条
德赖斯·范诺顿 世界名牌服饰品牌)
of amazing Dries Van Noten silk brocade pants.
德赖斯·范诺顿家的织锦缎裤子
Super cute.
超级可爱的
And, yes, it's a lot,
是 钱是不少
but my investors will get something in return.
但是给我投资的人会得到回报的
For $5, they will get
给5块 他们的回报
the feeling of goodwill in their heart.
就是能感受到自己满心善意
Pbbt!
呸!
For $10, I'll send them a selfie
给10块 我会给他们寄一张
in the new pants that they bought.
我穿着他们合资买的新裤子的照片
For $20, I'll send them a selfie without pants.
给20元 我给他们寄没穿裤子的照片
Nobody is gonna give you money for the stuff you offered.
就你这种回报 是不会有人给你钱的
"Goodwill in their hearts"?
满心善意?
This is the internet. We're animals.
这可是互联网 大家都没人性的
You're right.
你说的对
I have an idea.
我有个主意
Camera up.
准备录像
And action.
开始
I'm sure a lot of you are probably thinking,
我肯定你们都会这样想
"look at this spoiled, indulgent, clueless girl.""
瞧这个任性骄纵的蠢丫头啊"
Well, I am.
对 我就这么想
And you're also probably thinking,
你们可能还这么想
"God, I want to slap her.""
天啊 我真想扇她个耳光"
Well, guess what. You can!
你猜怎么着 你可以的!
For $500, you can come here
只要500元 你就可以来这里
and slap my spoiled, clueless face.
扇我这个被宠坏的蠢丫头
And cut.
停
Pretty good, huh?
挺好的 是吧?
Genius. Now, here, take the camera.
天才啊 拿着 给我录一段
I want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you.
我想筹500美元去扇你耳光
Earl, look!Earl
看!
I just got 20 more dollars from one of my backers!
又有人给我捐了20块钱买裤子啦!
Now, let me get this straight.
让我把事情理顺一点
You just ask people for money,
你就这样向别人要钱
and they give it to you
然后他们就给你了
without using a weapon?
连持刀威胁都不用?
Well, Earl, I guess desperationEarl
绝望的心境
cuts like a knife.
就已如刀割啊
Man, being white is easy.
天啊 白人的生活真舒服
Um, we're ready to order.
我们要点餐了
Caroline, I just unlocked the candy hammer.Caroline
我刚把糖锤子解锁了
Can you go over there and take those girls' orders?
你能去给那俩女孩点餐吗?
I can't. I just can't.
我做不到 臣妾做不到啊
Oh, no way! I just hit $1,000!
不是吧 筹到1000美元了!
That's almost both legs paid for!
都可以买两条假腿了!
Uh, hello?
啊 你俩
You're dinging and donging right in front of my face.
你们两个在我眼皮子底下玩手机
Can't you at least put your phones on vibrate?
你们至少可以手机调成震动吗?
I don't like to mix business with pleasure.
我不喜欢把工作和娱乐混为一谈
You two need to be off your phones and working.
你俩不能玩手机了 该干活了
Now. And no back talk.
马上 不许顶嘴
Totally.
完全是这样
Totally.
绝对的
Totally. Totally.
千真万确 千真万确
Oh, I know what's going on.
噢 我知道怎么回事了
You're group texting insults about me!
你们在群发短信说我坏话!
We are not.
才没有
I got your text.
我收到你短信了
Han does look like those minion things in Despicable Me!Han
的确长得像"神偷奶爸"里面的小黄人
Oh.
喔
And I thought bullying would end when I hit four feet.
我原以为自己死了就不会再受辱
Oh! Oh, my god!
哦! 哦 老天爷!
I'm getting my new pants!
新裤子可以入手啦!
I just got a $500 pledge!
又有人答应给500块了!
Somebody wants to slap me! Somebody wants to slap me!
有个人想抽我! 有个人想抽我!
Just one person?
只有一个人想啊?
Hey, Han insists we can't leave tonight
嘿 Han今晚死活不让咱们走
without doing our side work,
除非把杂活儿干完
so I made him into a chihuahua wearing a diaper.
所以我把他画成了一只戴尿布的吉娃娃
Check your phone.
快看手机
Caroline?Caroline
呢?
Someone got some new pants!
某人的新裤子入手啦!
# When a fire starts to burn, right ##
当火焰熊熊燃起 #
# and it starts to spread ##
又开始蔓延 #
# she gonna bring that attitude home ##
她孤傲地回到家 #
# they don't want to do nothing with they life ##
他们对生活无欲无求 #
# when a fire starts to burn, right ##
当火焰熊熊燃起 #
I wasn't finished!
我还没跳够呢!
No, I was.
可我受够了
Max, I didn't want to tell you this,Max
我本来不想跟你说的
but I was secretly worried my booty was gone.
但我最近一直暗暗担心我的翘臀不见了
Turns out, it was just the pants.
结果 只是裤子的问题
It's still there. Take a picture of it.
我的翘臀还在 快来张照片
Okay, let me see.
好啦 我看看
Perfect!
翘到爆!
Now, let's send a group text to our diner family,
现在 咱们给饭馆成员都群发一张
and I'd like you to copy me on that,
记得给我也发一张
because I want to send it to my dad in prison.
因为我想发给还在牢里的爸爸
He'll be so proud.
他肯定特别自豪
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure he's not seeing any asses there.
是啊 敢情他那监狱里没人捡肥皂啊
You know what I love about these pants?
你知道我最满意这裤子的什么吗?
How they make my butt look...
就是这裤子让我的翘臀显得...
Can you see it through the window?
你隔着窗子看得到吗?
I got new pants.
我搞到条新裤子
Hey, Earl, you got my text, right?
嘿 Earl 你收到我短信了吧?
You mean that picture of Caroline in her pants
你是指那张Caroline穿着新裤子的照片
that said, "I'm so sick of her"?
上面写着"她真让我烦死了"
I know, right?
确实很烦 对吧?
If she ever gets a new shirt, just kill me.
要是她再买件新衣服 直接把我杀了吧
I hear you, Max, but I just can't believe
知道了 Max 只是我不敢相信
you included her on the text.
你还把这信息发给她了
Yeah.
是啊
What?
什么?
Oh, my god. I didn't take her off the chain.
天啊 我忘记把她的号码取消掉
I mean, if you're gonna trash a child,
你懂的 如果你想把孩子抛弃掉
you got to take her off the chain.
可你也不能让她知道啊
Look, Earl, they're here!
看啊 Earl 我穿过来了!
Look what your $10 is buying you!
瞧你捐的十块钱买了什么好东西!
Uh uh, not looking. Don't want to know.
呃 不看 也不要知道
I'm taking myself off the chain.
我可不想让自己被你勾魂
Uh, hey, Caroline.
呃 嘿 Caroline
Uh, did you get my text? Not yet.
呃 你看到我短信没? 还没
The front of the diner is a bad reception area.
饭馆前面那边信号实在太差
Uh, no, no, no, no.
呃 不 不 不 不
Don't reach for that.
你别看啦
It's probably just an amber alert.
也许只是儿童失踪报告
Why are you acting weird?
你怎么怪怪的?
Oh, are you jealous of my new pants?
我知道了 你是嫉妒我的新裤子吧?
No, but I may have texted something about you
不 我可能发了条评论你的信息
that I didn't mean,
可那不是我的本意
so just please don't look at your phone.
所以千万别看手机
Uh, okay.
呃 好吧
If it's something bad, I don't want to see it anyway.
如果是坏话 我也不会想看
She's gonna look at it, isn't she, Earl?
她会看的 对不对 Earl?
I would.
要是我就会看
She just did.
她刚看了
You're so sick of me?
你真是烦死我了?
'Cause it's funny!
因为这么说很搞笑的啊!
"I'm so sick of you!""
我真是烦死你了!"
You know, said funny.
我就是说着搞笑啊
You know how I am. Ask Earl. Earl, help.
我就是嘴贱啊 不信问Earl Earl 快帮忙
Oh, I am off the chain.
哦 我没收到
Oleg, help.
问Oleg
I'll be in my car.
我要去车上玩了
Oh, look, look! Here's Han!
看 看! Han来了!
He knows how I'm always just joking.
他知道我喜欢开玩笑
Han, nod your head and don't ask why.Han
别问为什么 点个头就行
Oh, no, last time you asked me to do that,
才不要 上次你让我这么干的时候
I wound up on a date with an albino.
结果我跑去跟一个得白化病的人约会
And who didn't call who back?
最后是谁不给谁回电话?
I don't know how they're so confident.
我真不懂她这是哪来的自信
Max, you said you were sick of me.Max
你说你烦死我了
Oh, why are you so upset?
啊 你难过啥?
I say worse things to you all the time.
我总是对你恶言相向啊
Yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic.
昨天我还说你可怜又可悲呢
But that was to my face.
但那是当着我面的
I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.
我真想不到你会在我背后说坏话
It's bad. I am sorry. What can I do?
是我不好 对不起 你要我怎么着?
Hit me. Punch me. Tell my mother where I live.
打我 揍我 把我的地址告诉我妈
Congratulations, Max.
恭喜你 Max
Now you're like all my old girlfriends,
你现在就像我以前的闺蜜一样
talking behind my back.
在我背后说我坏话
Stop looking at that. Delete it.
别再看了 删掉它
This is not what I think. I'm not sick of you.
我真不是这么想的 我并没有烦透你
Really? Cause when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.
真的吗? 可你写的 让我感觉就是这样
It's not me. It's this phone.
不是我 是这个手机
It brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there.
是它把我内心本来就存在的丑恶显露出来了
There!
滚下去吧!
I killed it because it hurt you.
它伤害了你 所以我要杀了它
I swear I didn't mean it. You have to believe me.
我发誓我不是这个意思 你一定要相信我
It's fine, Max.
我没事 Max
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
我感觉要吐了
There... I french fried my phone.
这儿... 我把手机油炸了
What else can I do?
还要我怎么样?
I mean, really, it is technology's fault.
这真的是科技的错
It's turning us against each other.
是它让我们反目成仇的
Caroline, I swear, I will never accidentally sayCaroline
我保证 我绝不会再次
anything about you again that I never meant.
不小心地说一些我并非有意的话
I have to get ready for work. It's fine.
我得准备工作了 没事了
Stop saying that.
别再说了
Please stop saying it's fine.
求你别再说没事了
"fine" doesn't mean fine."
没事" 不代表真的没事
The scale goes great, good, okay,
这种话的排序就是 太好了 好 还行
Not okay, I hate you, fine.
不怎么样 我恨你 没事
If "fine" meant fine, that'd be great,
如果说没事就真代表没事 那就太好了
but it doesn't, okay?
但其实不然 对吧?
You're right. It's not fine.
没错 一点都不好
It sucks. I'm hurt.
很难受 我很受伤
You're the one person I care most about.
你是我最在乎的人
No, you are the one person I care the most about.
不 你才是我最在乎的人
Well, right now it doesn't feel that way.
是吗 可是现在感觉并非如此
It has to feel that way!
感觉就是这样的啊!
You are my best friend, Caroline!
你是我最好的朋友 Caroline!
I love you.
我爱你
Oh, my god, now I'm really gonna throw up.
天啊 我现在真的要吐了
Max, is that the first time you said "I love you"?Max
这是你第一次说"我爱你"吗?
Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed.
不要看着我 人家好尴尬的啦
Now what do we do?
现在我们怎么办?
So you're not sick of me?
所以你并没有厌烦我?
You are the only person in the entire world
你是这世上 唯一一个
I am not sick of.
不会让我厌烦的人
Caroline...
嘿Caroline...
There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.
外面有个女人说要来和你"啪啪"
If I had known it was an option,
要是我知道还有这等事
I would have thrown my name into that hat.
我也愿意戴上那个纸头套啊
Well, time to put this on. That's my $500 pledge.
好了 我要把纸套戴上 这是我五百块的
回报
I'll go. What?
我去 什么?
I'll take it. I deserve it.
我帮你 这是我活该
You've already gotten a slap in the face from me.
你已经被我狠狠地打击一番了
But she's expecting to see me.
但她想要见的是我
No, she's expecting to see a clueless woman
不 她想见的是一个蠢女人
wearing a paper bag.
头上戴着纸袋
And even though I wasn't planning
不过 就算再过二十或二十五年
on becoming that woman for another 20, 25 years,
我也没打算变成这样的女人
I owe you.
这是我欠你的
Seriously? You're not gonna stop me?
真的吗? 你都不拦我一下?
Nope.
不了
And, Max...
还有 Max...
I love you too.
我也爱你
I'm so sick of you.
我真是烦死你了