I can't. I just can't.
Everyone feels like that
the first few times you eat here.
It's like heroin.
It makes you sick, and you think,
"I'll never do that again," and here we are."
No, we put our project on Kickstarter,
and we're getting major funding right now.
And I can't. I just can't.
Kickstarter... that's the website"
where strangers give money for crap
that no one in the real world would invest in, right?
Exactly, but our project isn't crap.
We design candles with arms.
I can't. I just can't.
Don't you have a passion project...
something you've always wanted to do?
Yeah, you can't just want to be a waitress
your whole life.
I do have a Kickstarter idea.
I'd like to start kicking your asses!
You know we work for tips, right?
Yeah. This one got away from me.
Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday,
and like Martin Luther King, I have a dream.
Tonight you will do side work.
Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes till my shift starts.
慢着 妹纸 我还有十分钟才轮班
Max, that is not appropriate.Max
I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl."
Okay, you want to play? I'll play.
好吧 你想玩? 我就陪你玩
Hey, sir. Hey, big manny man.
嘿 先生 嘿 娘娘腔
Why don't you show me your penis?
Han, you know I don't have a penis.Han
It's the only thing we have in common.
In the back at our cupcake shop.
Why? You don't open your walk up window
till you close here at night?
She's getting a jump on our side work.
What? We can't do ours and yours.
Keep it up, Max,
and one day I will show you my penis.
And you'll be sorry.
Yes. Yes, I will.
That's it! New rule!
No more making fun of the boss!
Han doesn't want us calling him names anymore.Han
It's like, if you don't want to be called names,
don't look like that.
# When a fire starts to burn, right... ##
Why is the window open? What is all that?
It's me, if I had lived.
# When a fire starts to burn, right... ##
Oh, my god. Did you see that rack?
See it? I have to carry it around all day.
I've been wearing the same clothes
every day for two years.
Now, I know that's your dream scenario.
But to me, it's a horror show.
Go get new clothes.
Just go to the place around the corner
and buy some cheap ones.
Max, they sell clothes by the pound.Max
That's why it's called the Fashion Pound,
and that is why it is awesome.
Look, I'm willing to cut a lot of other things,
including my wrists, but I need quality clothes.
The only reason I've been able to wear these pants every day
is because they're quality.
Well, that and a lot of Febreze,
Which reminds me...
I used to smell like money.
Now I smell like pennies.
And, Max, you need a hit.
还有你 Max 你也来一喷吧
Did you see the high fashion model shoot?
I was too short to be a model in poland.
Well, I guess you can't have it all, right?
Do I smell febreze?
That's my second favorite scent.
Oh, and there' s my first favorite scent.
I'm sorry. Have we met?
I'm not good with faces that I never want to see again.
I thought you guys were gonna be friends.
Yeah, messed up, passive aggressive friends
对啊 那种能瞎搞 你攻我受
who occasionally sleep together,
Like Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.
Oh, okay, I see what you're doing.
哦 好吧 我明白你什么意思了
You're pretending like we don't have
movie character names for our private parts.
Well, good bye, miss,
and give my regards to Mrs. Doubtfire.
Okay, E.T., go home!
Here's your mail, girls.
Max, Sophie had a new purse.Max
Everybody has something new.
Even the homeless lady on the bus
had a new barrette,
and even though her feet were split open,
I still felt jealous.
Oh, this is not a bill.
Now, that's a first.
"we are offering you a new phone,"
"as older flip model phones such as yours
have been degraded."
They're slut shaming phones now?
I don't want a new anything.
And I like my old flip.
Where's my damn letter from the pants company,
Saying, "girl, those things are tired...
写着 "姑娘 您的裤子太旧了
Here's a new pair for free"?
If you want something for free,
Why don't you just go on kickstarter
like everyone else?
You can't use it for clothes.
And if you can, can I?
Why not? It's no stupider than candle arms.
Now, if the candles had real arms
and could slap the idiots who bought them,
I'd invest in that.
Max, we have nothing,Max
and if anybody is giving us something for free,
we're taking it.
You are getting that free phone,
and I am begging for free clothes.
Things are looking up.
You might want to kickstart some underwear.
Well, obviously, they don't have anything.
Max, stop. My pants just ripped some more.Max
I have to fix them again.
Hey, quality, why don't you just take them
嘿 讲究人 你为啥不把裤子
to office depot and get them tailored?
Uh oh, they're ripping again.
I feel a breeze up in my febreze.
How can I help you?
Oh, hey. Hi, uh, Chiandra.
Where can I get a new flip phone?
Mm, let me think.
I'll miss you, phone. This is breaking my heart.
我会想念你的 手机 太伤心了
Come on, boo.
It's a phone, not Bruno Mars.
(Bruno Mars 昵称火星哥 美国知名歌手)
Now, I need that letter.
Oh, here it is. I have it.
It's in my purse.
What's her story?
Why is her hand on her ass?
Her staples popped.
Happened to my cousin.
She had a diet 7 up and exploded.
Then she got M.S.
According to judge Joe Brown, it was not related.
Uh, here, I'll just take this one.
Slow down, now. Take a look around.
You got a whole world of possibilities.
Pick 'em up, get a feel,
hold it in your hand for a while.
Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars.Chiandra
Oh, "texting is easy
with the new finger friendly keyboard."
My fingers are already too friendly.
Ask my fourth grade boyfriend.
Wow. These sample texts are getting kind of racy.
"bad news... I think the condom broke last night.""
Why would anyone put that on a display model?
I left it there by accident.
But that's not your problem.
Now, tell me, what are your phone needs?
Uh, my needs are simple.
I need a phone that can draw a mustache on people
and occasionally will call my mother and hang up.
And she needs one with a good camera,
because I have to film my video pitch for new pants.
I have a hole in my butt.
You know you're supposed to, right?
Max, I might be a virgin again.Max
I love my new phone!
It's so cool and red.
It feels like anything could happen!
But it probably won't.
My first call.
What do I do?
What do I do?
Oh, hey, girl, good for you. Bye.
嘿 妹子 好样的 再见
Chiandra's not pregnant.Chiandra
Max, why are you taking calls from Chiandra?Max
We have to do my video.
I had to take her call.
She gave me a bunch of free apps...
Angry birds, doodle jump.
If you want to look like a dog, I could do that.
Look, here's me as a St. Bernard.
See my neck keg?
Okay, I've done some research,
and here's some things other people want money for.
One woman wants money for a new leg.
Wait. If she only has one leg,
shouldn't she be on can't kickstarter?
Oh, I'm no longer working with them.
They denied my project.
Apparently, I'm not artsy enough
and have too many legs.
So now I'm on Go Fund Yourself.
I've been telling you to go fund yourself for years.
The future of my pants hinges on the video pitch.
The tone needs to be sad and pathetic.
Uh, preparation done.
What's sadder than former billionaire Caroline Channing
asking for money for pants?
Oh, they're not gonna know it's me.
Are you being funded by Al Qaeda?
If they're buying, I'm taking.
Hi. I can't tell you my name,
And I can't show you my face because I'm too ashamed.
Sadly, I find myself in a situation
where I am no longer able to provide myself
with the garments I need in order to be the best
in my day to day life.
I'm aware that this is not a problem for everybody.
Stop, stop! I need to take a picture of myself
停 停! 我得照张相记录下这一刻
having the most fun I've ever had.
Your nose is coming out of your eyehole.
No, no, no, Max, don't stop.
不行 不行 Max 别停
I'm in a groove.
No, you're in a bag.
Please let me take a picture of you in a bag
and then turn it into a dog and then call it a doggie bag.
Go, Max, I'm running out of oxygen,
快点 Max 我快缺氧了
and I think there was cheese in here.
If I achieve my goal,
specifically, a new pair of quality pants，
then I promise I will give back to the community,
wearing said pants.
All I need is $1,500.
Stop! Whoa! $1,500?
停! 喔! 一千五?
How many pounds of clothes are you getting?
Look, it's for one pair
of amazing Dries Van Noten silk brocade pants.
And, yes, it's a lot,
but my investors will get something in return.
For $5, they will get
the feeling of goodwill in their heart.
For $10, I'll send them a selfie
in the new pants that they bought.
For $20, I'll send them a selfie without pants.
Nobody is gonna give you money for the stuff you offered.
"Goodwill in their hearts"?
This is the internet. We're animals.
I have an idea.
I'm sure a lot of you are probably thinking,
"look at this spoiled, indulgent, clueless girl.""
Well, I am.
And you're also probably thinking,
"God, I want to slap her.""
Well, guess what. You can!
For $500, you can come here
and slap my spoiled, clueless face.
Pretty good, huh?
Genius. Now, here, take the camera.
天才啊 拿着 给我录一段
I want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you.
I just got 20 more dollars from one of my backers!
Now, let me get this straight.
You just ask people for money,
and they give it to you
without using a weapon?
Well, Earl, I guess desperationEarl
cuts like a knife.
Man, being white is easy.
Um, we're ready to order.
Caroline, I just unlocked the candy hammer.Caroline
Can you go over there and take those girls' orders?
I can't. I just can't.
Oh, no way! I just hit $1,000!
That's almost both legs paid for!
You're dinging and donging right in front of my face.
Can't you at least put your phones on vibrate?
I don't like to mix business with pleasure.
You two need to be off your phones and working.
Now. And no back talk.
Oh, I know what's going on.
You're group texting insults about me!
We are not.
I got your text.
Han does look like those minion things in Despicable Me!Han
And I thought bullying would end when I hit four feet.
Oh! Oh, my god!
哦! 哦 老天爷!
I'm getting my new pants!
I just got a $500 pledge!
Somebody wants to slap me! Somebody wants to slap me!
Just one person?
Hey, Han insists we can't leave tonight
without doing our side work,
so I made him into a chihuahua wearing a diaper.
Check your phone.
Someone got some new pants!
# When a fire starts to burn, right ##
# and it starts to spread ##
# she gonna bring that attitude home ##
# they don't want to do nothing with they life ##
# when a fire starts to burn, right ##
I wasn't finished!
No, I was.
Max, I didn't want to tell you this,Max
but I was secretly worried my booty was gone.
Turns out, it was just the pants.
It's still there. Take a picture of it.
Okay, let me see.
Now, let's send a group text to our diner family,
and I'd like you to copy me on that,
because I want to send it to my dad in prison.
He'll be so proud.
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure he's not seeing any asses there.
You know what I love about these pants?
How they make my butt look...
Can you see it through the window?
I got new pants.
Hey, Earl, you got my text, right?
嘿 Earl 你收到我短信了吧?
You mean that picture of Caroline in her pants
that said, "I'm so sick of her"?
I know, right?
If she ever gets a new shirt, just kill me.
I hear you, Max, but I just can't believe
知道了 Max 只是我不敢相信
you included her on the text.
Oh, my god. I didn't take her off the chain.
I mean, if you're gonna trash a child,
you got to take her off the chain.
Look, Earl, they're here!
看啊 Earl 我穿过来了!
Look what your $10 is buying you!
Uh uh, not looking. Don't want to know.
呃 不看 也不要知道
I'm taking myself off the chain.
Uh, hey, Caroline.
呃 嘿 Caroline
Uh, did you get my text? Not yet.
呃 你看到我短信没? 还没
The front of the diner is a bad reception area.
Uh, no, no, no, no.
呃 不 不 不 不
Don't reach for that.
It's probably just an amber alert.
Why are you acting weird?
Oh, are you jealous of my new pants?
No, but I may have texted something about you
that I didn't mean,
so just please don't look at your phone.
If it's something bad, I don't want to see it anyway.
She's gonna look at it, isn't she, Earl?
她会看的 对不对 Earl?
She just did.
You're so sick of me?
'Cause it's funny!
"I'm so sick of you!""
You know, said funny.
You know how I am. Ask Earl. Earl, help.
我就是嘴贱啊 不信问Earl Earl 快帮忙
Oh, I am off the chain.
I'll be in my car.
Oh, look, look! Here's Han!
看 看! Han来了!
He knows how I'm always just joking.
Han, nod your head and don't ask why.Han
Oh, no, last time you asked me to do that,
I wound up on a date with an albino.
And who didn't call who back?
I don't know how they're so confident.
Max, you said you were sick of me.Max
Oh, why are you so upset?
I say worse things to you all the time.
Yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic.
But that was to my face.
I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.
It's bad. I am sorry. What can I do?
是我不好 对不起 你要我怎么着?
Hit me. Punch me. Tell my mother where I live.
打我 揍我 把我的地址告诉我妈
Now you're like all my old girlfriends,
talking behind my back.
Stop looking at that. Delete it.
This is not what I think. I'm not sick of you.
Really? Cause when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.
真的吗? 可你写的 让我感觉就是这样
It's not me. It's this phone.
It brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there.
I killed it because it hurt you.
I swear I didn't mean it. You have to believe me.
It's fine, Max.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
There... I french fried my phone.
What else can I do?
I mean, really, it is technology's fault.
It's turning us against each other.
Caroline, I swear, I will never accidentally sayCaroline
anything about you again that I never meant.
I have to get ready for work. It's fine.
Stop saying that.
Please stop saying it's fine.
"fine" doesn't mean fine."
The scale goes great, good, okay,
这种话的排序就是 太好了 好 还行
Not okay, I hate you, fine.
不怎么样 我恨你 没事
If "fine" meant fine, that'd be great,
but it doesn't, okay?
You're right. It's not fine.
It sucks. I'm hurt.
You're the one person I care most about.
No, you are the one person I care the most about.
Well, right now it doesn't feel that way.
It has to feel that way!
You are my best friend, Caroline!
I love you.
Oh, my god, now I'm really gonna throw up.
Max, is that the first time you said "I love you"?Max
Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed.
Now what do we do?
So you're not sick of me?
You are the only person in the entire world
I am not sick of.
There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.
If I had known it was an option,
I would have thrown my name into that hat.
Well, time to put this on. That's my $500 pledge.
好了 我要把纸套戴上 这是我五百块的
I'll go. What?
I'll take it. I deserve it.
You've already gotten a slap in the face from me.
But she's expecting to see me.
No, she's expecting to see a clueless woman
wearing a paper bag.
And even though I wasn't planning
on becoming that woman for another 20, 25 years,
I owe you.
Seriously? You're not gonna stop me?
I love you too.
I'm so sick of you.