废柴舅舅（2014）

**And I need you today Oh, Mandy.*
*此时此刻 我需要你 Mandy
It's open! I'm in the bathroom.
门没锁 我在洗手间
Hey, Andy.
嘿 Andy
Hello. You're looking slutty.
嗨 你看起来很淫♥荡♥
Oh, thanks. As long as I don't look fat.
谢啦 只要你不说我胖就行了
Oh, God, do I look fat?
天哪 我是不是看起来很胖
Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but...
我本来不打算说的 既然你问了
Where are you going to? A Bunga Bunga party?
你这是要去哪啊 性♥爱♥派对吗
No. I'm having coffee with Ben.
不是 我要和Ben去喝咖啡
We're going to try and settle the custody battle before the judge has to.
我们要在法官判决之前解决监护权的问题
I thought a little cleavage couldn't hurt negotiations over Roly.
我想 露点乳♥沟♥总是有益无害的
Speaking of which... where is the little mistake?
说起来 那个拖油瓶在哪里
What's wrong with him?
他怎么了
I mean, aside from the obvious.
除了是个怪胎之外
He's sick. He was fine last night.
他病了 昨晚还好好的呢
It's a shame, he was looking forward to his friend's birthday party.
真可惜 他很期待去朋友的生日派对呢
He has friends?
他居然有朋友
Anyway, he shouldn't be any trouble.
总之 他很好照料
Just check in on him once in a while.
只要每过一阵子进房♥间看看
Make sure he's still alive.
确认他还活着就好
I should be back in a couple of hours.
我应该马上就能回来
Help yourself to anything you need. Food, internet.
请自便 东西随便吃 网随便用
Vibrator collection?
你私藏的振动器呢
If you can find it, it's yours.
只要你找得到 也请自便
You know, he asked about your music that other day.
他那天还问我关于你音乐的事
Wanted to know what it was like.
好奇了一下你的音乐生涯
What did you say?
你说了什么
I said it was good.
我说很好啊
I lied.
当然是骗他的啦
Anyway, call me if you need anything.
总之 有事打我电♥话♥
Whoa, what are you doing?
喂 你干嘛啊你
What does it look like? I'm watching the news.
你觉得呢 看新闻啊
You're supposed to be in bed.
你不是该躺床上吗
What do you care?
你这么在意干嘛
Did I interrupt you looking at porno?
我打扰你看成人片了吗
They just call it porn these days and, no, I wasn't doing that.
现在都叫黄♥片♥ 不 我没有在看黄♥片♥
Are those hearts you've got on your pyjamas?
你睡裤上面是爱心吗
No, they're flowers.
才不是 这是花
Oh, I do apologise. That's much better
我道歉 花确实比爱心好多了
Tell me something, what does this guy look like to you?
和我说说 你觉得这货长的咋样
If I tell you, can I watch TV?
我告诉你 能让我看电视吗
Fine.
好
I don't know. He looks...cool.
不知道 看起来挺酷的
You do realise that's a bass guitar he's playing?
你知道他弹的是低音电吉他吧
A bass guitar.
低音电吉他啊
So?
那又怎样
No, try again.
不行 再说一次
All right!
好
He looks like an idiot, a prat, a moron. Happy?
他看起来就像个笨蛋 呆瓜 弱智 满意了吗
How about a wanker? Does he look like a wanker?
傻♥逼♥呢 他看起来傻♥逼♥吗
I wouldn't go that far.
我不觉得
You're not acting very sick.
你一点也不像生病的样子
I am. I really, really am.
我真的病了 不骗你
You're faking it, aren't you?
你在装病 是吗
I knew it, you're faking it!
我就知道你在装病
I'm not faking.
我才没有
If you don't tell me why you're faking it or I'll your mum.
告诉我为什么 要不我就和你妈告状
I just really don't want to go to this party.
我只是不想去这家伙的生日派对而已
Why not?
为什么
No reason. I just don't like parties.
没理由 我只是单纯地不喜欢派对
Oh, man. But parties are great.
开什么玩笑 派对可棒了
Free food, free booze.
免费的食物 酒水
Girls, drunk girls. What's not to like?
女孩 喝醉的女孩 有什么不喜欢的
You haven't lived
你如果没有体验过一觉醒来
until you've woken up in a stranger's garden,
醒来发现自己裸体躺在陌生人的后院里面
wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a smile on your face.
身上只有海盗帽和一个微笑 你的人生就是不完整的
Parties are where you learn the art of pointless banter.
派对是让你了解懂得吐槽真谛的地方
Do you think I came out this charming?
你以为我生来就这么魅力十足吗
No. It was parties.
不 是派对造就了我
If you don't learn to love parties now,
如果你现在不学着喜欢派对
you'll end up being some wall-hugging, weird,
你会沦落为一个社交大怪胎
no party guy and you'll never get laid. Is that what you want?
派对绝缘体 万年老处♥男♥ 你就这追求吗
Is that what you want? No!
这是你想要的吗 不
Then get changed out of them Flower Power things
赶紧换掉你这炫彩花裤子
and let's get you to a party!
一起参加派对
Are you sure he's going to like this?
你确定他会喜欢这个礼物吗
Trust me. He's going to love it.
相信我 他会爱死它的
Shit, is that a Bentley? Oh, yeah. His dad owns a dealership.
我靠 那是宾利吗 是啊 他爸爸是个代理商
He must have a tiny penis, then. Why?
他鸡鸡一定很小 为什么
Bentley equals tiny knob. It's one of Newton's Laws.
驾宾利者鸟必小 牛顿定律之一
Oh. Good thing my dad owns Porsche.
噢 幸好我爸开的是保时捷
Errol! Hi.
Errol 你好啊
Your mummy told me you were too sick to make it.
你妈妈之前说你生病来不了
He's feeling a lot better. Aren't you, sailor?
他现在好多了 是不是啊 小水手
Oh, good. I hope you're not contagious.
太好了 希望你得的不是传染病
Wouldn't want anyone getting ill.
我们不想任何人染上
Just kidding.
开玩笑呢
I'm Linda. Hi. Andy. Errol's uncle.
我是Linda 你好 我是Andy Errol的舅舅
And you must be the birthday boy's sister?
你一定是小寿星的姐姐吧
You're trying to butter me up and it's working! Come in.
你这马屁拍对地方了 请进
Come in.
快请进
This is for Alfie.
这是给Alfie的
Oh, thank you. Look at that wrapping! Very original.
谢谢 这包装真新颖独特
Oh, sorry, gents would you mind just popping off your shoesies for me.
噢 不好意思 先生们 不介意脱下鞋吧
Oh, look, who it is! Bruce and Tiffany.
噢 看谁来了 Bruce和Tiffany
Tiffany, you're getting so big.
Tiffany 你体积渐长啊
I bet you just eat all your veggies.
一定每餐都把蔬菜吃得光光吧
This is a little something for the big man.
这是给大男孩的小玩意
Wow. That's massive. Not about the size, though, is it?
哇哦 这小玩意真大 但是尺寸并不重要
It's all about the motion of the ocean.
"用心做"才是王道
Claire couldn't make it? No, she's having to work.
Claire没来吗 是的 她在上班呢
You know her, burning the candle at both ends.
你知道她的 把有限的生命投入到无限的工作
Don't worry, we know the shoe drill. She's got you welltrained.
别担心 我们知道脱鞋的规矩 她真是教导有方
Right, kids. All the other children are through here.
好了 孩子们 其他小朋友都在这边
We've got a karaoke machine and everything.
我们准备了卡拉OK机和其它好玩的
Yeah, go party.
耶 派对走起
You're not leaving me here, are you?
你不会把我一个人丢在这儿吧
Nah, I'll be right here, waiting for you.
当然 我会在这等着你的
And don't get too drunk!
别喝太多了
Right, I'm off. What time do I have to pick up the little rascal?
好了 我闪了 什么时候来接这个小屁孩
Oh, you can stay if you like.
噢 你可以留在这儿
We've got wine and nibbles in the kitchen for the grown ups.
我们在厨房♥里为大人准备了酒和小零食
I made a fondue.
我做了芝士火锅(指交口♥爆♥)
Well, lucky for you, I'm very fond of fondue.
好吧 算你走运 我就好这口
We also have mini-burgers.
我们还有迷你汉堡(阴♥户♥)
You know how to talk dirty, don't you, Linda?
你真会讲下流话啊 Linda
So. It's Andy, right?
呃 你是Andy 对吧
Yeah. And you're Brian from football practice.
是的 你是Brain 足球训练那天见过
Bruce. That's right. Bruce from football practice.
Bruce 对 足球训练那天碰见的Bruce
So, last time we met, you lied about which kid was yours.
上次见面 你没老实说哪个孩子是你的
Oh, yeah. No, I was having a bit of fun.
噢 不 我就是逗逗你
But I've met Errol's dad. You're not his dad.
不过我见过Errol的爸爸 你显然不是
Fuck, no. I'm his maternal uncle.
靠 当然不是 我是他舅舅
Ah, cool, Sam's big brother.
原来如此 你是Sam的哥哥
No, I'm four years younger.
不 我比她小四岁
What's the MILF situation like around here?
这里的熟♥女♥可操性如何
I wouldn't know. My wife's the only MILF I like to...ILF.
我不知道 我只有老婆可操
Um... thanks for the spliff last time.
呃 谢谢上次的大♥麻♥烟
I was chilled out all day. That's cool.
简直精神一整天 不错
Donkey!
驴子