废柴舅舅（2014）

Oh, sorry.
噢 对不起
Where did you learn to play like that?
你这是从哪学的
I don't know. I've had a few lessons.
我也不知道 就上过几节课
Your mum said.
你妈提过
I figured you were going to be shit like all the other little kids.
我还以为你和其他小孩一样渣呢
Can you play anything else?
你还会弹别的吗
Errol, how would you like to be in my band?
Errol 你要加入我乐队吗
Would I need a humpback and a dodgy eye?
我需要是眼睛长歪的驼背男吗
No. Think about it,
不用 仔细想想吧
I could be Jim Morrison to your Ray Manzarek.
我可以是Jim Morrison 然后你是Ray Manzarek
Who? He was the nerdy keyboardist in The Doors.
谁 大门乐队里那个呆呆的键盘手
I don't want to be the nerdy one.
我不要当那个呆呆的
I think you're missing the point.
你会错意了
EVERYBODY got laid in The Doors.
乐队每个成员都睡妞无数
Chicks love musicians.
小妞们最喜欢音乐家了
Really?
真的吗
How do you know if a girl likes you?
怎样才能知道一个女生喜不喜欢你
I think you've just got to, you know...
我觉得啊 你只要
Why are you asking about girls all of a sudden?
你干嘛突然问起关于女生的话题
No reason.
没理由
You're in love. That's why you've been acting so weird lately!
你坠入情网了 难怪最近怪怪的
I'm not being weird!
我没有怪怪的
Who is she, you little pervert?
是哪个女生呢 你这个小变♥态♥
Her name's Ruby. Ruby.
她叫Ruby Ruby
And have you asked the little jewel out on a date?
你和那个小姑娘约过会了吗
She doesn't know I exist.
她不认识我
Well, then, why don't you join my band
这样吧 你加入我的乐队
and then I can help you win the girl?
我帮你获得她的芳心
Do we have a deal?
成交吗
Just shake once.
摇一下就好了
Hey! How was the big date?
嘿 约会怎么样了
Wellllll....
这个嘛
What's something you'd be embarrassed to tell a stranger?
你在陌生人面前有什么羞于启齿的秘密吗
I never know which way to put the cutlery in the dishwasher.
我不知道怎么在洗碗机里放刀具
Facing up gets it cleaner
正面朝上比较干净
but it seems really dangerous with the knives up like that.
但是刀刃朝上 感觉好危险啊
What about you?
你呢
I like when ladies poo on me.
我喜欢女人在我身上拉屎
He was a bit boring.
他有点无聊
Great! Listen, I've got some free time this week.
很好 其实呢 我这周都挺有空的
Why don't you leave him with me for a couple of days?
干脆这几天都让他住我这吧
Go on some more dates
你再去多约会几个人
and try and find that Mr Right that you've been looking for.
去茫茫人海中寻找你的真爱
Why are you being nice?
你为什么突然这么好
Sam! You've always been there for me.
Sam 一直都是你在支持我
Let me do this for you.
让我也帮你一次
Yeah, you deserve some time to yourself.
是啊 你应该好好歇歇
You've been under a lot of stress lately.
你最近压力有点大
There you have it, the most dangerous animal in the jungle.
快看 丛林里最凶残的动物
The female human.
女人
One minute she can take you to the heights of ecstasy,
一分钟可以让你爽上云霄
and the next she can shatter your soul with a single glance.
再一分钟可以让你痛不欲生
Pervert!
变♥态♥
Morning, ladies!
早上好 女士们
So tell me about this Ruby.
说说你的那个Ruby吧
What is she out of 10?
10分里面给她几分
She's a 10!
满分
All right,
听着
now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread.
你一定要牢记3分定律 不要越界
For instance,
打个比方吧
a two can never go out with an eight.
2分是不可能约得到8分的
That would be suicide. So, what am I?
那是自讨没趣 那我几分
Well, you're skinny
呃 你虽然瘦了吧唧的
but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities.
不过发型还可以 五官还算端正
So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2.
勉强能得个6.5分吧
But I reckon, with a bit of styling,
如果再稍微改造一下
we can probably get you up to a 7. What are you?
也许能得个7分 那你呢
Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether.
有些人是不需评分的
Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians.
例如身缠万贯的混球 运动健将 才华横溢的音乐家
Present company included.
包括你面前这位
Now, jokes. Women love good jokes.
现在来说笑话的部分 女人都喜欢听笑话
For instance, why do blondes wear knickers?
比如 为什么金发女郎要穿内♥裤♥
Why? To keep their ankles warm.
为什么 防止冻到脚踝
I don't get it. Trust me, it's hilarious.
听不懂 相信我 很好笑的
Now, what jokes have you got?
那你讲个笑话吧
What's the bare minimum? I don't know, what's the bare minimum?
绝对最小值是什么 不知道 是什么
One bear.
一只熊("绝对"与"熊"同音)
We'll work on the jokes.
笑话方面要加紧练习
Right, now let's practise asking a girl out.
好了 再来练习怎么约女生出去
I'll be a girl. You ask me out.
我当女生 你来约我
Erm...hi.
呃 你好
"Erm...hi"? Seriously?
"呃 你好" 不是吧
Your opening line is the most important thing you'll ever say to a girl.
开场白是你跟女生交谈之中最关键的部分
If you can't think of anything funny,
如果想不到什么有意思的
give her a compliment, buy her a drink.
夸她两句 给她买♥♥杯饮料
Be charming. Be charismatic. Be mysterious.
展现你的迷人魅力 保持神秘
Can't I just be myself?
我不能就做我自己吗
No! Are you crazy? Never be yourself.
不行 你疯了吗 永远不要展现自我
Now try again.
再来一遍
Excuse me. You have very nice...
打扰一下 你有非常漂亮的
Sideburns. No! OK, fine, OK.
鬓角 不行 好了 算了
Right, we'll swap back over. You be the girl. I'll be the man.
这样吧 我们交换 你当女孩 我当男的
Hello, my name's Andy. What's your name?
你好 我叫Andy 你呢
My name's Penelope Jenkins.
小女子名叫Penelope Jenkins
Hello, Penelope. You've got very nice eyes.
你好 Penelope 你眼睛真漂亮
Thank you. I got them from my mother.
谢谢 这是遗传我妈的
She was a Russian ballerina.
她是个俄♥罗♥斯♥芭蕾女伶
Tell me three things you like, Penelope.
跟我讲讲你喜欢的三样东西吧 Penelope
I like sushi, fruit bats and long car rides.
我喜欢寿司 狐蝠 乘长途车
Do you like waking up with zero regrets
你希望醒来时心里没有悔意
and a man that knows how to hold you?
身边有个懂得如何抱你的男人吗
You've used that line? I used it on Gwen.
你有用过这样的台词吗 我对Gwen说过
That worked out well
效果不错呢
Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
嗨 Ruby 你眼睛真漂亮 你愿意跟我约会吗
Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
嗨 Ruby 你眼睛真漂亮 你愿意跟我约会吗
Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
嗨 Ruby 你眼睛真漂亮 你愿意跟我约会吗
Oh, hey, Errol. What are you doing here?
嘿 Errol 你怎么来了
I...erm...
我 呃
..Have nice eyes?
眼睛很漂亮
What?
什么
That bad, huh?
惨不忍♥睹 哈
Sign us up. This is my band.
我们要报名 乐队在此
There's only two of you. So?
你们只有两个人 那又怎样
Anything more than one is a band in my book.
在我的字典里 两个人就能算乐队
We're not reading from your book, are we?
我们又不是按照你的字典来算
Two people's a duo - it's not a band.
两个人是双人组合 不算乐队
You know who'd care to disagree?
你知道谁要反对你吗
The White Stripes, The Black Keys,
白线条乐队 黑键乐队
The Proclaimers, Heart... Heart's a fivepiece.
宣告者乐队 红心乐队 红心乐团有五个人
The Kills, Suicide, Simon and Garfunkel.
杀戮乐队 自杀乐队 西蒙和加芬克尔乐队
Ant and Dec! And of course my personal favourite, The Carpenters.
安东尼与德克兰乐队 还有我最爱的 卡朋特兄妹
You love The Carpenters, don't you Val?
你不是也喜欢卡朋特兄妹吗
Yes, OK. But one of your band members is a minor.
好吧 可你乐队中有个未成年的
The flyer doesn't say anything about minors.
传♥单♥上可没说未成年人不能参加
It's not like he's cruising for gay hookups, are you? No.
而且他又不是来找基佬炮♥友♥的 对吧 当然
If you don't let him perform, based solely on his age,
如果你因为他的年龄 就不让他参加
do you know what that is? That is...
你知道那是什么吗 那是
Age discrimination. Age discrimination.
年龄歧视 年龄歧视
And discrimination Val... Well...
而且歧视 呵呵
that's bad. Oh, my God! What is he doing here?Dad!
事态严重哦 天哪 他在这干嘛 爸