废柴舅舅（2014）

but I'm really going to Starbucks to work on my comics.
但实际上我只是去星巴克画漫画
You draw comics? Well, webcomics.
你还会画漫画 嗯 只是网络漫画
And I can't actually draw,
而且我也不会画画
it's more stick figures with witty writing.
更像是用指尖去完成一种诙谐的文风
ATTEMPTED witty writing.
尝试性的诙谐文风
Yeah, I know, "Grow up, Bruce."
我知道 "成熟点吧 Bruce"
Claire thinks it's stupid too. It's not stupid. It's sweet.
Claire也认为这很蠢 这不蠢 很好啊
I just didn't know you were so... nerdy. Really?!
我只是不知道你原来还这么书呆 真的吗
I mean, come on, look at me.
我是说 看看我样子
I guess you're right! Thanks
我想你是对的 谢谢
I am a terrible mother, aren't I?
我不是一个好妈妈 对吧
What? No. You're a great mum.
什么 怎么可能 你是一个很棒的妈妈
I see the way Roly looks at you.
我注意过Roly看你的眼神
That's just his lazy eye.
那只是他犯懒的眼神
But you look like you know what you're doing.
但是你看起来一副信心满满的样子
What's your secret?
有什么诀窍吗
Honestly? When things get too much...
说实话吗 压力大的时候
I have a special pillow I scream into.
我就捂着一个枕头大声咆哮
How often do you need the pillow? Not often.
多久咆哮一次 也不是很频繁
About ten times a day.
一天就十来次吧
And if you don't have a pillow to hand,
如果你手头没有一个枕头的话
you can use your arm.
那就用你的胳膊
Like so...
就像这样
Nngh!
啊
Nnnnghh!
啊
Ooh...! Wow! Better?
喔 哇噢 好点了吗
I feel a little bit lightheaded. Yeah, I know, right?
吼得有点大脑缺氧 是啊 我知道
Oh...this is it.
哎 也就这样了
I'm going to be a single mum for the rest of my life.
我余生都得是一个单亲妈妈了
I'm going to end up like Joan. Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow
最后沦落成Joan那样 一个刻薄恶毒的老女人
who hasn't had a willy up her in about a century
百年没尝过男人的滋味了
Don't worry, you'll get a willy up you.
别担心 你还能尝到男人的滋味
But seriously, I... I think you'll find someone.
不过说真的 我觉得你会遇到合适的人的
You know, you're smart, funny, attractive...
你看啊 你聪明风趣有魅力
You're great at hide and seek. You found me.
还很擅长玩躲猫猫 可你还是找到我了呀
Well, I'm an excellent seeker.
那是因为我特别擅长找人啊
Found her!
找到她了
What on earth are you doing up here?
你到底在上面干嘛呢
What happened to your face?
你脸上怎么了
What's that smell?
什么味儿
Shit!
该死
It's ruined.
烤焦了
Who's up for curry, then?
那有谁想吃咖喱吗
I don't mind it a little well-done.
我不介意吃有点烤焦的
Uncle Rex, why did you set it so high?
Rex叔叔 你为什么把温度调那么高
I...didn't.
我没有啊
Duhn-duhn-duhnnn.
铛铛铛
We'd better call Scotland Yard, then. You did this!
那看来我们该报♥警♥了 是你干的
Whoa, Rex, slow down.
喂 Rex 冷静一下
Andy's never touched an oven in his life.
Andy这辈子从来没碰过烤箱
He can barely cook a Pot Noodle. Yeah.
他连个泡面都煮不好的 是啊
Why would I want to ruin my own lunch?
我为什么要毁了自己的午餐
I don't know. You tell me. You've been jabbing at me all day.
谁知道呢 你倒是说啊 你一整天都在攻击我
What, did I piss you off in a past life or something?
我上辈子欠你的还是怎么了
"Oh, the golden boy never does anything wrong."
"噢 天之骄子从不会犯错误"
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best surgeon."
"噢 快看我 我是世上最好的外科医生"
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best chef."
"噢 快看我 我是世上最好的厨子"
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best uncle!"
"噢 快看我 我是世上最好的叔叔"
Well, at least I've put my time in with Roly.
是啊 至少我愿意花时间陪Roly啊
Where've you been this last decade?!
你这过去十年干嘛了
Please stop fighting over me.
请不要为我吵架了
Stay out of this, Errol!
Errol 你别管这事
You are like a one-man typhoon. Is there anything you can't ruin?
你简直是人形台风 能别把啥事都毁了吗
Oh, get over it, love.
别纠结了 亲
I'm sorry I shagged you and then never called.
很抱歉我睡了你却再没给你打电♥话♥
Have you lost your mind?!
你有病吧
We never shagged.
我们从没睡过
Er, hello? The wedding.
呃 想想啊 婚礼的时候
We shared a joint at the wedding, you idiot.
我们是在一起抽麻烟 你个白♥痴♥
What's a joint?
什么是麻烟
It's a marijuana cigarette.
就是大♥麻♥卷成的香烟
Where did you learn that? Jeremy Kyle.
你从哪知道的
So, wait, you're judging me for going to rehab, while you're the pothead?
等等 你一直指责我去康复中心 可你自己也是个瘾君子
I tried it once, 12 years ago.
我就试过一次 还是十二年前了
That hardly makes me Keith Richards.
不能因为这就说我是Keith Richards
I tried peyote once in Guadalajara.
我在瓜达拉哈拉试过一次迷幻剂
Big deal, I did meth twice in Hackney.
了不起啊 我还在哈克尼区试过两次冰♥毒♥呢
Well, two and a half times. It's complicated.
好吧 其实是两次半 一言难尽
Mum, wait, you knew Sam went to rehab?
等等 妈妈 你知道Sam去康复中心的事情
Of course I did, darling, I'm your mother.
我当然知道了 亲爱的 我是你妈啊
Anyway, everyone's in rehab, it's the new black.
那又怎样 每个人都去康复中心 这是新潮流
What's rehab?
什么是康复中心
Hotel for druggies.
瘾君子的旅馆
But, Mum, I thought you were sick.
但是 妈妈 我以为你当时是生病了
I was, munchkin. I'll explain everything later.
我是生病了 小家伙 等会我再给你解释
Why didn't you say you knew? I could have used your support.
你为什么不告诉我呢 我当时很需要你的鼓励啊
Because she loves keeping secrets.
因为她喜欢深藏不露
I'm sure she knows you did all the coke in Colombia too.
她肯定也知道你在哥伦比亚吸可卡的事情
That isn't true, is it?
这是真的吗
Ben? What's wrong with Cocacola?
Ben 可口可乐有什么问题吗
They're talking about cocaine.
他们说的是可♥卡♥因♥
Jesus, Tiff! Jeremy Kyle?
天哪 Tiff 又是从上学来的吗
Top Gear.
是<英国疯狂汽车秀>
This is your fault!
这全是你的错
I knew you'd find a way of screwing this day up!
我就知道你会搞砸一切的
My fault? I'm not the one that invited everyone here
我的错 又不是我把大家都邀请到这
to make a big announcement.
来听你的隆重宣告的
Trust me, mate, no-one cares that you're getting laid.
相信我 伙计 没有人关心你的床事
What's he talking about?
他这话什么意思
Well, I didn't want everyone to find out like this, but, um...
好吧 我不想以这样的方式让你们知道 但是 呃
I've been seeing someone.
我有女朋友了
Her name's Veronica.
她叫Veronica
Is she joining us? Not today,
她会过来吗 今天不会
but I wanted to prepare everyone for the idea.
但是我想让大家有个心理准备
To avoid any dramas.
免得到时候大惊小怪
So you're emotionally fluffing us? That is so typical of you.
所以你是在情感上麻痹我们吗 真是你的典型作风
Your ego is so inflated
也太自我膨胀了
you have to make a major event out of everything!
非得把所有事都弄得很盛大一样
Well, excuse me if I thought this was important.
好吧 抱歉我以为这事情很重要
You're the one who left me, remember?
你忘了是你先离开我的吗
I wanted to work things out. You were driving me crazy!
我想让咱俩走下去的 你当时要把我逼疯了
My wife's cheating on me!
我老婆给我戴绿帽子了
Errol? Errol, are you all right? Oh, my God!
Errol Errol 你还好吧 噢 天哪
It's his asthma. It's the smoke.
他哮喘犯了 肯定是因为烟味
I'll get his inhaler, it's in my bag.
我去拿它的吸入器 在我钱包里呢
OK, Errol, I need you to take deep, slow breaths for me.
好 Errol 你现在需要慢慢地深呼吸
OK, mate? Breathe...
行吗 伙计 深呼吸
It's not working!
这没用
I don't think it's his asthma. I think it's a panic attack.
我觉得这不是哮喘 应该是恐慌发作了
Errol, I need you to try and think of something relaxing.
Errol 我需要你试着去想一些轻松的事
**When you're going to the loo*
*当你一路奔向厕所
**And your pants are full of poo*
*裤子沾上可疑黄色
**Diarrhoea, diarrhoea*
*腹泻君 腹泻君
**When you're climbing up a ladder*
*当你向上攀爬梯子
**And you're feeling something splatter*
*控制不住难耐便意
**Diarrhoea, diarrhoea*
*腹泻君 腹泻君
**When your stomach starts to hurt*
*当你的胃开始抽搐
**And you need to squirt some dirt*
*迫切需要排除毒素
**Diarrhoea, diarrhoea*
*腹泻君 腹泻君
**When you're sitting on a mountain*
*当你悠悠坐在高山