废柴舅舅（2014）

Dear Gwen,
亲爱的Gwen
I had an amazing dream last night.
昨晚我做了个很美的梦
We were having a picnic by a waterfall.
我们在瀑布旁野餐
You made us ham and pickle sandwiches
你做了酸黄瓜火腿三明治
and I told you they tasted better than Pret,
我说你做的比普雷特里的还好吃
which you thought was funny even though I wasn't joking.
你笑了 可我说的是真心话
You said I looked handsome and I sang you a song with my guitar,
你夸我英俊不凡 我为你吉他弹唱
which was weird because I didn't remember bringing a guitar,
略有些诡异 因为我不记得有带吉他
but that's dreams for you.
不过一切只是梦罢了
Then we made love in loads of positions
然后我们用各种体♥位♥做♥爱♥
but mostly doggie style cos I know that's your favourite.
多数是后入式 因为那是你的最爱
I woke up after that. Now all I remember is the pain.
而后梦中醒来 心中只余痛苦
I miss you, Gwen.
我好想你 Gwen
I can't go on without you
没有你 我活不下去
And that's why...
因此
I've decided to kill myself.
我决定了结此生
Love, Andy.
爱你的 Andy
Hi, this is Andy, leave a message after the...
嗨 我是Andy 请在"呕"声后留言
Andy? Are you there? Pick up.
Andy你在吗 快接电♥话♥
If you're listening to this and not answering,
要是你听到还不接
I disown you as my brother.
老娘就和你断绝关系
That's it. I'm hanging up in ten, nine,
就这样 我要挂了 十 九
eight, seven, six, five,
八 七 六 五
four, three and a half, three, two, one...
四 三点五 三 二 一
This better be good. Shit! Thank God you're there.
最好有好事找我 谢天谢地你在这
What took you so long? Nothing.
怎么这么久才接 没啥
Just watching porn. OK, TMI.
看毛♥片♥呢 好吧 别说了
Right, can you pick Roly up from school for me? Who?
是这样 你能替我去接Roly放学吗 谁
Errol? Your nephew. Oh, right, Errol.
Errol 你外甥 噢 对 Errol
Uh, yeah...No! Shit, Andy.
呃 不行 我去 Andy
When have I ever asked you for anything?
我什么时候求过你
Exactly, so why start now?
没错 为什么现在要开始呢
Because I've called every responsible person I know
因为我给我认识的所有靠谱的人都打了电♥话♥
and they're all busy. Come on, please, I'm begging you.
没人有空 拜托了 算我求你了
I'm actually going to hang up now. Andy, wait! Wait!
我真的得挂了 Andy 等一下
Wait, please. Please.
等等 求你了
Listen, I've just got out of class and there's no way I can pick him up
听着 我刚下课 绝对来不及去接他
and get him to football on time.
然后准时送他去足球训练了
So he misses football. Big deal! Yes, it's a huge deal, actually!
那就错过训练呗 有什么关系 有关系 很有关系
He misses football and his dickhead dad finds out,
如果耽误了训练 被他那个混球老爸发现了
it could ruin the custody case. Oh, come on.
对我争夺抚养权没有好处 拜托啦
Have you really got anything better going on?
你还有什么更好的事要做吗
Hey.
嘿
Hey, little fucker.
嘿 小混♥蛋♥
Hi, there. Can I help?
嗨 有什么能帮你吗
Uh, hello, Miss. I'm here to pick up Errol.
呃 老师好 我来接Errol的
I'm his uncle.
我是他舅舅
Really? I've not seen you before.
是吗 我从来没见过你
You could just be some weirdo looking to steal young boys, for all I know.
照我看 你有可能是个拐卖♥♥小男孩的怪叔叔
Sorry, I'm joking.
抱歉 我开玩笑呢
Your sister called to say you'd be coming.
你姐姐打电♥话♥说了你会来的
I couldn't resist. Roly, your uncle's here for you!
我忍♥不住逗逗你 Roly 你舅舅来了
I didn't know Roly had an uncle. Are you two close?
我还不知道Roly有个舅舅呢 你们关系亲密吗
Yeah, yeah. We're like best mates.
当然 我们是死党
I'm like a second dad to him.
我就像他的第二个爸爸
Take him out for pizza all the time...
经常带他出去吃披萨
I thought he was allergic to wheat.
他不是对小麦制品过敏吗
He is, but I know a little place that is wheat-free all the way.
没错 可我知道一家店是无谷的
Right. He reminds me a lot of myself at that age.
这样啊 他总让我想起我小时候
I mean, not as good looking, obviously. Obviously.
当然他没我帅了 显然
Takes his time packing, doesn't he?
他真是磨叽啊 呵呵
So, what do you do? I'm a musician.
那你是做什么的 我是个音乐家
Oh, musical family. Roly's quite the piano player, isn't he?
噢 音乐世家 Roly钢琴弹得挺好的 是吧
Is he? I mean, yes, he is..
是吗 我是说 没错 是的
I mean, I taught him everything I know, so he should be.
我毫无保留地言传身教呢 那必须的
So, what do you do?
那么 你是做什么的
I'm a teacher. Oh, yes, of course.
我是一名老师 噢 对 是的
Just checking!
就是确定一下
Hey, mate. Up top!
嘿 哥们 击个掌
That is classic Roly. He is always missing the high five.
Roly就是这样 总是错过击掌
My name's Andy, by the way. Melodie.
对了 我叫Andy Melodie
Melodie? That's got a nice ring to it.
Melodie 名字真好听
Bye... Bye, then.
那么 再见了
Come on, I haven't got all day.
快点 我很忙的
"Hi, Uncle Andy."
"嗨 Andy舅舅"
"Thanks for picking me up."
"多谢你来接我"
"I'm sure you've got lots of more important things to be getting on with."
"你肯定有很多更重要的事情要去做"
Why couldn't Mum pick me up?
为什么我妈妈没来接我
Because she's dead. I've come to take you to identify the body.
她死了 我来接你去认尸体
That's not funny.
一点都不好笑
Well, I'm only a chauffeur, I'm not a bloody comedian.
我就是个司机 又不是谐星
Come on!
快点
Do you mind? I'm allergic to cigarettes.
你能不抽烟吗 我过敏
Since when? Since my whole life.
什么时候开始的 从我出生起
So, Roly... Don't call me that.
呃 Roly 别这么叫我
Fine, Errol. Are you any good at football?
好吧 Errol 你足球踢得好吗
You don't have to do this. Do what? Make small talk.
你不用这么做的 做什么 硬聊
We could just not talk. Fine.
我们可以不说话的 好吧
That's absolutely fine by me. We'll just sit in silence.
听着不错 就这样安静地坐着
That's great.
非常好
We'll just sit here in silence, not talking.
就静静地坐着 不说话
OK, what are you doing?
好吧 你在干嘛
I'm counting how long it'll take you to start talking again.
我在数你能安静多久
Yeah, great. OK, brilliant. We don't need to do small talk.
好 很好 那就别聊那些有的没的
Let's jump straight into the big stuff.
直奔主题吧
Do you have a girlfriend?
你有女朋友吗
No. You have to be in love to have a girlfriend.
没有 你得先爱上某人才能让她做你女朋友
Let me tell you about love.
我告诉你什么是爱吧
When you're in love, it feels like you're walking on water,
坠入爱河时 就如同在水上行走
and then you realise,
然后你惊觉
"Oh, hang on, I'm not walking on water,"
"噢 等等 我不是走在水面上"
"I'm actually drowning."
"我是溺水了"
Then a shark bites off your foot and you go, "AH! AH! MY FOOT!"
然后有条鲨鱼咬掉你的脚 你叫道"啊啊 我的脚"
Then another shark comes along
这时候又来一条鲨鱼
and it goes straight for your cock and balls!
它直向你的小鸡鸡冲过来
And you're going "Save me! Somebody, save me!"
你大叫"救命啊 来人啊 救命"
Then a seagull plucks you out of the water and you think,
接着有只海鸥把你从水里拉出来 你想
"I'm saved! I'm saved!"
"我得救了 得救了"
and then he drops you on to the jagged rocks
然后海鸥把你扔到凹凸不平的石头上
and you explode like a rotten watermelon
你就像个烂西瓜一样爆♥炸♥了
and there's blood and guts and broken bones everywhere
满地都是鲜血 内脏和断骨
and you think "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse."
你就想"好吧 至少情况不能更坏了"
And then that is when the hyenas come along and eat you up
然后土狼来了 把你吞掉
and you know what you end up being then, Errol?
你知道你最终会变成什么吗 Errol
Do you know what you end up being then?
知道你最终会变成什么吗
Just a steaming pile of hyena shit. That's love.
就是一堆土狼屎 这就是爱
You want to lighten up, mate.
你想要振作下吗 哥们
Get some of that down you. No, thanks.
喝点酒吧 不了 谢谢
As your uncle, I command you.
作为你舅舅 我命令你喝
Uncle! What's so funny about that?
还舅舅呢 你笑什么
When's my birthday?
我生日是什么时候
June... J-Ju...
六 七月
March 2nd.
三月二日
Fine! I'm no good with dates and details
好啦 我不擅长记日期和细节
but I'm good at the big stuff.
我记得的都是重要的事
What's my middle name?
我中间名是什么
Come on. This one's easy.
你说啊 这个多简单
Is it Errol?
是Errol吗
You think my name's Errol Errol?
你觉得我名字是Errol Errol吗
All right, fine.
好啦 好啦