废柴舅舅（2014）

How do I turn him down nicely?
我要怎么友善地拒绝他
Andy?! I know what you're thinking.
Andy 我知道你在想什么
That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet?
我应该把你阉了 然后把蛋蛋扔进马桶冲掉嘛
She's a sweet girl, Andy.
她是个好姑娘 Andy
If you don't tell her, I will. No, No!
如果你不告诉她 我来 不要
Hello?
喂
Whose is this?
这是谁的
It's... It's mine,
那是 那是我的
my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off.
刚刚因为背痛 就直接把它抽出来了
Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right?
胸嘛 没啥用还折磨人 对吧
My boobs are killing me right now.
我的胸现在都快折磨死我了
Ok, well...I better be off.
好了 我该走了
Don't you want your bra back?
你不把胸罩带走吗
Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.
天哪 我老丢三落四的
Thank you. Tell her.
谢谢 和她坦白
Your sister's a bit weird.
你姐姐好像怪怪的
Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they?
电影很像人生 你不觉得吗
There's a beginning, a middle and then an end.
有开头 中间 和结尾
This, Toy Story, Die Hard,
这个啦 玩具总动员啦 虎胆龙威啦
the first three, not the last two, they were shit.
当然是前三部 后面两部太扯蛋了
Everything ends eventually,
纵使过程中床单滚得再爽
even if the sex is really, really good.
故事终究会走向结局
Sex, in Toy Story?
玩具总动员里面有滚床单吗
Hello? Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?
喂 你摸过猪吗 Andy
They made us catch pigs.
他们逼我们去抓猪
Their skin, it's so human. Fleshy. Pink.
它们的皮肤 摸着像人类一样鲜嫩透粉
The trotters... like tiny deformed hands.
猪蹄就像退化了的小手
One of them snorfed on me.
还有一只对着我哼气
I think I have swine flu.
我应该得猪流感了
What number are you calling from?
你在用谁的电♥话♥啊
They took my phone,
他们没收了我的手♥机♥
I'm in the farm manager's office.
我在用农场经理室的电♥话♥
I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors.
我睡不着 Murray Thomas在做恶梦
Please, I swear - if you pick me up,
求你了 只要你来接我
I will iron your clothes for a year,
我愿意帮你熨一年的衣服
even the underwear, whatever it takes.
包括内♥裤♥ 只要我能做到的
Will you break up with Shelly for me?
你能帮我和Shelly分手吗
Shit.
靠
Coward!
小懦夫
Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats
你好 Sam 我只是想来恭喜你
on Suzy being your new sponsor.
听说Suzy当上了你的新监督人
I can see the appeal.
我能明白你的选择
She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll,
她酷毙了 从逼里散发出纯正的摇滚范儿
so...no hard feelings.
所以 我一点也不介意
Is it true?
这是真的吗
About me and Janis?
关于我和Janis吗
Yeah, it was just the one night.
是 那只是一♥夜♥情♥而已
No, about you being my sponsor?
不是那个 你愿意当我监督人啦
If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me?
如果我说是 你能保证不抱我嘛
I swear.
我保证
Yes.
是的
See, not a hug.
看到了没 这不算拥抱
Morning, sunshine.
早上好 小宝贝儿
You really should lock your windows,
你真应该锁好窗户的
you never know who might crawl in.
防止奇怪的东西爬进来
Where's...? Your little lady friend? She's in the shower.
她在 你的小女朋友吗 她去冲澡了
Sorry if my hands are cold.
手有点凉 真是不好意思
Why are you sorry...? Ugh!
你为什么不好 嗷
Gwen told me about your little rekindling.
Gwen把你们小叙旧和我说了
Little? She said it was average plus.
小吗 她可说了是中上等水平
See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything.
我家小Gwenny 所有事都会告诉我
Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though.
看来是你忘记告诉她一些事了
She's just a friend!
她只是个普通朋友
In crotchless panties?
穿着无裆情趣内♥裤♥
Those are for ventilation.
那个是适于通风嘛
Ow!
啊
I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole.
我就像是曾经的你 见洞就插
Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is,
喝高了 连吸尘器都上 问题就在于
it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless.
这么鲁莽 没有好下场
My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.
她才是肚子被忧郁帝Casper搞大的人
Oh! Looks like she doesn't tell you everything.
看来她并不是把所有事都告诉你呢
I don't believe you.
我不相信你
If I'm lying,
如果我在说谎
I'll let you come back and finish the job off.
我让你回来做完你没做的事
I'll even let you have my Hoover.
我连我家吸尘器都能一并送给你
I'd go and see a doctor if I was you.
你最好去看看医生
I think I felt a lump.
我好像摸到了肿块
I'm so late.
我要迟到了
I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour.
我一小时后要在一对女同的婚礼上献唱
It's freezing. Why's the window open?
好冷啊 窗户怎么开了
Are you all right? You look pale.
你没事吧 脸色好差
I think I felt a lump.
我觉得我摸到了肿块
Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits.
Sam 你就不能提前说一声再来嘛
Sorry, I know I'm early.
抱歉 我知道现在有点早
I was going to wait in my car,
本来想在车里等的
but I had a grande macchiato
但是我喝了一大杯玛奇朵
and I'm bursting.
快憋不住了
Can I please use your loo?
可以借用一下洗手间吗
Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you?
天哪 你是不是忘了我们有约
No, toilet is right there.
没忘 厕所就在那里
Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.
啊 太感谢了 谢谢 谢谢
Let's get you to this lesbian wedding.
你得赶紧去那场女同婚礼了
Who's on the phone?
你在和谁打电♥话♥
It's your nephew. He seems really upset.
你外甥 他好像情绪挺低落的
He said he had something really important to tell me.
他说有件很重要的事想和我说
Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom.
Andy 我发夹落在洗手间了
No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down.
不用夹了 你散着头发特别美
That's sweet,
你嘴真甜
but I really should get it.
但是我真的挺需要的
Who's in there?
谁在里面
It's erm... Hairdressers again.
那是... 又是因为发型吗
No, custody case. The full waterworks.
不 是监护权的案子 不太顺心
Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me.
好可怜啊 待会替我安慰安慰她
Yeah, I will.
好 我会的
Ah...
啊
That's better. Who were you talking to?
如释重负啊 你刚在和谁说话呢
Myself.
我自己
I thought I heard a woman's voice.
怎么听到女人的声音呢
Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side.
当然 我有柔美的女人一面
That explains the hair clip.
难怪有个发夹在这
Do you mind if I borrow it,
不介意的话 能借用一下吗
I left mine at home?
我忘记带了
No, sure, knock yourself out.
行啊 随便用
I think you're going to love this.
你一定会爱死这个的
Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.
小丑乐团 不错嘛
I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though.
只是我不确定适不适合孩子们听
You're kidding, the kids are going to love this.
开什么玩笑 孩子们肯定会爱死的
I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13.
我13岁时边听这个边嗨着呢
You started smoking pot when you were 13?
你13岁就开始吸大♥麻♥了吗
No, 11.
不 是11岁
Speaking of which, do you want to get mashed up?
话说 你现在要来一点吗
It'll make this music sound even better.
吸嗨了听着更棒
Oh, erm...
呃
I really, er... No.
我觉得 还是 算了吧
Thank you.
谢谢
I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I?
我是不是让你觉得不自在了
No, I'm comfortable.
没 我现在挺自在的
This sofa's very soft
这个沙发可软了
and I've got my rape whistle with me.
我包里还放着防狼口哨
I'm kidding.
开玩笑的啦