废柴舅舅（2014）

Forget it, it's fine.
不要在意啦 没事
I've done it again. I'm always doing this.
我又来了 老♥毛♥病又犯了
Things are going well,
事情发展的挺顺利
I'm being interesting...
我风趣幽默
I was being interesting, right?
我刚刚挺有趣的吧
Very, it was like a Ted Talk.
很有趣啊 就像TED大会一样
Then we go and ruin it all.
可我总会搞砸这一切
No.
哪有
Look, if you want to hit up your bong,
如果你想吸大♥麻♥的话
you go for it.
尽管去吸啦
I might even have a puff.
我说不定也会来一口
**Here's to being free*
*自♥由♥自在
**Here's to you and me*
*拥你在怀
**Here's to being free*
*自♥由♥自在
**La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back*
*啦啦啦啦啦啦 佐罗归来
**It's fun to be*
*心醉神迷
**It's fantasy*
*如梦似幻
**He's so glad*
*兴致昂扬
**To know the world as Zorro Zor-ro...*
*佐罗之眼 纵观世界
So, have you really got a rape whistle?
你真有防狼哨吗
Yeah.
真有
I mean, don't take it personally.
不过不是防你的
I bring it to my knitting circle.
我还带到我的针织俱乐部去了
I've heard them bitches be crazy.
我听说那些婊♥子♥才是饿狼
You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired.
你知道吗 有个作业要写最崇拜的三个人
Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin,
Errol选了青霉素之父 Alexander Fleming
Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine
天花疫苗发现者 Edward Jenner
and you.
还有你
Me? Uhhuh.
我 嗯哼
What did I do?
在下何德何能
You're a good person.
你是个好人啊
You're a good teacher.
你是个好老师
It's Errol.
Errol的电♥话♥
OK. This better be a real emergency.
听着 你最好有十万火急的事
I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum.
起码是摔断腿或被外星人绑♥架♥这种
Do you know what a cloaca is?
你知道"泄殖腔"是什么吗
'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.'
就是小鸡便便和下蛋的洞洞
They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus.
这个洞无所不能 甚至能交♥媾♥
Coitus? It's another word for...
交♥媾♥ 也就是
I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated.
我知道什么是交♥媾♥ 你手♥机♥不是没收了么
Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now.
Murray Thomas帮我偷回来了 我们现在是最好的朋友了
I thought you hated that guy?
你不是讨厌那家伙吗
He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him.
熟悉后发现他其实超搞笑的
He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him.
他对着山羊露屁屁 结果被追得到处跑
Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription to New Scientist magazine.
而且他说要给我订<新科学家>杂♥志♥
That's worth 35.
那可要35镑呢
You cheap slut.
你个好收买♥♥的小浪货
Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more.
是啊 所以我不需要你来接我了
Perfect. Then you go to bed,
太棒了 现在你去睡觉
cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus
而我得去来一场甜蜜的交♥媾♥
and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca.
运气好的话 还能好好玩玩泄殖腔
**Melodie, girl, look what you did*
*Melodie姑娘好 本事真不小
**You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids*
*既为人师表 又童心不老
**You're caring and you're sensitive*
*善良又细致 心思还纤巧
**But you just don't turn me on like Shelly*
*但要论激♥情♥ Shelly才是宝
**Shelly, girl, you're irresistible*
*Shelly姑娘好 戒都戒不了
**You're talented and you rock my world*
*你才华四溢 我为之倾倒
**You're just like me except you are a girl*
*简直我翻版 就是不带把儿
**But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does*
*但和Gwen比 自尊先找找
**Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head
*Gwen女王好 深镌我大脑
**I remember every word you said*
*所言皆在耳 一句都不少
**And the time you chained me to my bed*
*如果哪一天 你们要实战
**I just can't choose between*
*面临三选一 真是要完蛋
**I don't know how I'll carry on*
*未来路漫漫 我该怎么办
**You're all perfect except for one thing wrong*
*每个都完美 唯独一♥期♥盼
**If I could only roll you in to one*
*若能三合一 此生便无憾
**I guess I'll have to fuck you all*
*想来又想去 全都干一干
**I love you each despite your flaws*
*你们我都爱 不管好或坏
**I'll be the man you each adore*
*我只能负责 让你们崇拜
**It's the only way it can work for sure*
*要说这办法 确实还不赖
**There's enough of me to spread round and round and round.*
*我有足够屌♥ 你们爱不停
That's really good.
真不错
It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray.
这是我前任 我要把这个当烟灰缸使
That way I can smash every fag end into his face.
这样就能把烟屁♥股♥都狠狠按在他脸上了
Cool.
酷
I remember after I got separated,
我记得离婚之后
I went through the wedding album
我翻遍了婚礼相册
and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo.
然后把Ben的裤裆都剪了下来
They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches.
一堆小裤裆 都放在一个信封里了
It was oddly soothing.
安抚效果好得诡异
Oh, God, I wish I was your age again.
天哪 我希望能再回你这个年纪
35? Why? My boobs are starting to drop.
35岁 为啥 胸都开始下垂了
I don't care about boobs dropping.
我才不在乎胸下垂
I want to be your age so I can relapse again. Huh?
我想回你这个年龄去复吸 什么
You're young in drug years.
漫漫吸毒路 你还嫩着呢
You can relapse at least three more times.
你至少能再复吸三次
Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon.
复吸期间我经历了几次最棒的高♥潮♥
I got pregnant during a relapse.
有一次我还怀孕了
You've got some great times ahead of you.
你未来还有大好时光呢
You know, I'm really glad agnes talked me into being your sponsor.
我真的很高兴 Agnes说服我做你的监督人
She did? Said there was something special about you.
是吗 她说你很特别
I'm beginning to see that now.
我开始感受到了
Shit!
妈的
It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over.
是我的房♥东 他不准我带女孩过来
What? Why?
什么 为什么
He's in love with me.
他不幸爱上了我
It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!
还喜欢乱吃飞醋 快点 跟我来
What's that banging? It's the wind. Global warming.
什么声音 风声 都怪全球变暖
Hide in the bathroom?
躲到浴室去吧
Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?
你告诉我爸我怀孕了
Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.
我 切 好像是的
Andy! I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls.
Andy 我别无选择 我蛋蛋捏在他手上呢
Are you going to get that?
你不去开门
It's probably just my sister.
估计就是我姐
You can't leave her out there, can you?
你不能把她晾在外面吧
All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move.
好吧 我去赶她走 别动啊
Surprise delivery for Mr King!
King先生的惊喜快递
Come over here and open it. I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.
快过来打开 抱歉 Shell 现在不行
I think I'm coming down with something.
我觉得我生病了
We should get you to bed then. No! I don't want to get you sick.
我扶你上♥床♥吧 不 我不想你也感染
I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go.
我估计得了猪流感 所以 你还是走吧
You going to get that?
你不去开门吗
She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now.
她是个疯婆子 我知道为什么Joplin和Hendrix吸毒过量了
It was from hanging out with her!
都是和她一起鬼混害的
You have to help me get rid of her.
你得帮我摆脱她
Who? My sponsor. She's parking the car.
谁 我的监督人 她在外面停车呢
I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you.
我告诉她你是个音乐家 她坚持要见你
You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour.
准备好遗书吧 不出一小时你就得挂了
Hi, Sam. Oh, hi, Shelly.
嗨 Sam 嗨 Shelly
Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment.
音乐家公♥寓♥的味道真是无与伦比
Oh, you must be the rock star.
噢 你一定是那位摇滚明星了
And you must be one of his groupies.
而你一定是他的某位粉丝
I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are?
实际上我是他的女朋友 你是
I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret?
我是Suzy Sam的戒毒监督人 噢 这事是不是得保密
Yeah. Oh, well. So much for being anonymous.
是的 算了 我受够了做你背后的女人了
WHAT is going on?
到底怎么回事
Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here?
呃 Gwen 你来这干嘛
Shit, you're "Second toothbrush".
我靠 你就是那个在这放牙刷的
Is it safe to come out now?
现在能出来了吗
Jesus Christ!
天哪