废柴舅舅（2014）

You think that I have shown
如果你觉得目前为止
a distinct lack of interest in your life up till now
我对你的生活一无所知
and you'll be right.
那你猜对了
I find you incredibly tedious and dull.
我觉得你的生活枯燥无味
But what have you ever done that's interesting?
你做过什么有趣的事吗
That's the problem with kids today -
现在小孩的通病就是
they think everything they do is interesting.
他们觉得自己做的任何事都很有趣
"Oh, look at me with my cool allergies"
"噢 快看我的过敏症 多酷"
"And my-my... wheelie backpack."
"还有我的滑轮背包"
What's interesting about that?
有意思吗
It's nothing interesting about that! I'm a musician. That's interesting.
没有 我是个音乐家 那才叫有意思
My dad says "Musician" Is just another word for "Unemployed."
我爸说"音乐家"就等于"无业游民"
Your dad's hardly an altar boy.
你♥爸♥连祭台助手都算不上
Do you even know how your parents met?
你知道你♥爸♥妈是怎么认识的吗
They met through their dealer.
通过他们的毒贩子
His name was "Eclypse", if memory serves me correctly.
如果没记错的话 叫"Eclypse"
What do you mean by "Dealer?"
你说的"毒贩子"是什么
You know, drug dealer. Like a pharmacist?
就是卖♥♥药的 像药剂师那样吗
Yeah, like a pharmacist. Like a pharmacist who borrows your DVDs.
对 像药剂师 那些会问你借DVD的
You can't answer while driving, it's illegal.
开车不能接电♥话♥ 这是违法的
Hello?
喂
Hey, how are my two favourite boys?
嘿 我最爱的两位小伙子怎样了
Yeah, we're getting on like a fucking house on fire.
我们之间可有火花了 能点燃一座房♥子呢
Oh, that's great. Listen - little change of plan.
噢 还不错嘛 听着 计划有变
I thought I'd be done by now
我原以为可以早结束了
but I have a meeting with my professor.
谁知道还要和教授开会
So, um, do you mind bringing Roly home after the game?
所以 踢完球后你可以送Roly回家吗
Shit! I know, I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear.
我去 我真的很抱歉 我会补偿你的 我发誓
Yeah, that's absolutely great. Yes. Um, bye. Thank you.
好的 嗯 再见 谢谢
Fucking hell!
你♥妈♥的♥搞什么
Get out the car. Hi.
下车 嗨
Thatthat wasn't my fault... Get out of the car now.
这不是我的错 给我下车
It was his fault.
是他的错
What?! No, it wasn't!
什么 不 才不是
Yeah. He covered my eyes while I was driving. I couldn't see.
就是 我开车时他把我眼睛蒙住了 我看不见
Kids, eh? Are you a family man? Get out
小孩都这样 你成家了吗 滚出来
or I'll pull you out.
别逼我动粗
OK, well...
好啦 那么
You take a couple of steps back and then I can get out the car
你后退几步 让我下车
and we can discuss this like a couple of civilised...
我们可以文明地讨论一下
Oi! Fuck off, you fuck-faced fuck!
喂 你大爷的 去你大爷的
Stop that car!
停车
Fucking wanker!
你♥他♥妈♥混♥蛋♥
I'm telling mum about this. She's going to kill you.
我要告诉妈妈 她会杀了你的
Yeah, not if I beat her to it.
我要先杀了她
Come on! Someone get on him!
快快 来人截住他
That's it, take him! Take him!
没错 截他球 截他球
That's it, Tiff.
好样的
Nice dive, Tom Daley!
摔(跳水)的好 Tom Daley
Boo! Save it for the Oscars!
切 演技好的能拿奥斯卡了
Suck it up, you pussy!
快回家吧 娘娘腔
Oh, look, it's Wayne Puny!
噢 看 韦恩"撸"尼
I've seen better ball handling from a priest!
神父都比他会控球(玩蛋蛋)
Yellow card for time wasting!
浪费时间 黄牌
Red card for being shit!
表现烂爆 红牌
We're not being too harsh, are we? Nah, it's character building.
咱们一点也不严厉 是吧 当然 这是塑造性格
Which one's yours, then?
哪个是你的小孩
Uh... that one.
嗯 那个
That's my little girl, Tiffany. Isn't she something?
那是我小女儿Tiffany 她还不错吧
Yeah, she's certainly something.
嗯 她确实挺厉害
Can I have some water, please? I'm really parched.
我能喝点水吗 快渴死了
What's this?
这算什么事
"Ask a stranger for water day?" Get your own water!
"向陌生人要水喝日"么 喝你自己的水去
I feel sorry for his parents.
真替他父母悲哀
Do you fancy a smoke?
你想抽烟吗
Oh, no, my wife made me give up the ol' cigarettes.
不 我老婆让我戒烟了
No. I mean like a "Smoke".
不 我是说抽点麻烟
This is exactly what I needed.
这正是我需要的
Happy to help.
不用谢
Do you know what we are?
知道咱们这叫什么吗
What? We're the cool dads.
什么 酷老爸
Yeah, that's what we are.
没错 我们就是
It's Bruce, by the way.
顺便说下 我叫Bruce
Andy. So, what do you do, Andy?
Andy 你是做什么的 Andy
I'm a musician.
我是个音乐家
What? No way! Rock 'n' roll, man.
什么 不是吧 玩摇滚啊哥们
Have I heard anything of yours?
我听过你的作品吗
You know the CottonCare toilet paper adverts?
你知道CottonCare的厕纸广♥告♥吗
Yeah! With the giant stuffed bears having that pillow fight?
当然 巨大的毛绒熊打枕头仗那个
Yeah, I wrote the jingle for that.
对 里面的广♥告♥曲是我写的
That's cool. Yeah, it is.
很酷 是啊 确实
What do you do?
你是做什么的
I have the greatest job in the world.
我的工作是世界上最好的
You're a porn star?
你是AV男星
All right, second greatest job.
好吧 是世界上第二好的
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
我是家庭煮夫
So, Tiffany, she's yours then, is she? Yep.
那Tiffany是你孩子对吧 没错
That big blonde Viking girl over there is yours? Yep.
那个高大的金发维京女孩 没错
How does that work, then? I'm her stepdad.
怎么可能呢 我是她后爸
But do you know why they call it a stepdad? No, why?
那你知道为什么他们管后爸叫后爸么 不知道 为什么
Cos I'd step in front of a bus for that girl.
因为我会为她挡公交 让她在我身后
I don't think I'd step in front of a slow-moving bike for anyone.
我觉得我不会为任何人挡车 哪怕是龟速的自行车
Oh, wheelie backpack, nice.
带轮子的背包 不错
I've been thinking of getting Tiff one of these.
我一直想给Tiff买♥♥个这样的
It's Gwen!
是Gwen
Hello? Gwen?
喂 Gwen
Gwen? Hello?
Gwen 喂
What the fuck? Hello, Gwen?
这他妈 喂 Gwen
Uh... I've got to go.
啊 我得走了
Come on! Let's go. But the game's not over yet.
过来 咱们走吧 但是比赛还没结束
Fine. I'll give you 20 quid.
好吧 我给你20镑
Ah! My leg! It's broken.
啊 我的腿 受伤了
It's broken! I think it's my fibula!
好痛 可能伤到腓骨了
Oh, no! Not your fibula!
不会吧 又是腓骨
Weak fibulas run in our family.
家族遗传腓骨脆弱
I better take you to a hospital.
我得带你去医院
Make way!
让一让
He's deceptively heavy!
他比看起来重多了
Get in!
上车
Where are we? I thought you were taking me home. Wait here.
这是哪 我以为你带我回家 在这等着
I'll be back in a few minutes. Take me home or I'm telling Mum.
几分钟我就回来 带我回家 要不我就告诉我妈
Fine. Tell her what you like.
好啊 想告就告吧
"Mummy!"
"妈妈"
"Uncle Andy touched my special equipment."
"Andy舅舅摸我那里"
Special equipment?
你那里
You twisted little... Fine, if you tell her that
死熊孩子 好吧 如果你向你妈告状
then I am going to show her this!
我就给她看这个
That's not mine. Yeah? It was in your bag.
那不是我的 是吗 可我是在你的包里发现的
I was keeping it for a friend. Give it back. No!
我替朋友保管的 还给我 休想
Well, you can tell your friend
那你可以告诉你那个朋友
the lady parts don't go on the front like a coin slot,
女性那个部位不在前面 跟个投币孔似的
but asides from that, ten out of ten for accuracy.
除此之外 画的非常不错
Now, you wait here like a good little boy
你在这乖乖等着
and I will give you that back.
我就还给你
I hate you. And I hate you too, munchkin.
我讨厌你 我也讨厌你 奶娃娃
Here you go. Brush up on your anatomy.
拿去看吧 好好学学人体解剖学
Happy birthday, mate.
生日快乐 哥们
Where do you think you're going?
你以为这是哪呢 可以随便进
Please let me in. My dad's in there.
让我进去吧 我爸爸在里面
Sorry, son. No kids allowed.
抱歉 孩子 你不能进去