善地

The Good Place S04E08

Part 2 Nov. 19, 2019, 4:02 p.m.

Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?
赞达亚
Zendaya.
我不是粉....
Or--I don't...
这种美妞来演还怕没收视率吗有人同意吗
I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone?
不签拉倒
Fine.
你上场吧马特
Take it away, Matt.
大家期盼已久的一刻到了
Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for.
决定未来人类存亡的结果出来了
The test results that dictate the future of humanity.
倒数开始 30 29
Here we go. In 30, 29...
二一
Two, one.
展示在此
Voila.
谁提升自己了
我觉得这样会很有意思
I thought this would be fun.
我在里面闲得蛋疼想出来的点子
Had a lot of time alone in there.
碉堡啊
Bam!
西蒙妮比生前进步了12%
Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth.
碉堡啊奇迪提升了26%
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
碉堡啊约翰提升了44%
Bam! John got 44% better.
妈蛋啊
Shoot.
就不该一直喊碉堡结果打脸了
Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing.
葬礼万岁
Funeral!
杰森我这么问稍后一定会悔到肠子都青了
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me,
但还是问一下为什么选这里
what made you choose this setting?
杰克逊维尔的风俗就是葬礼在出生地举办
There's a Jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born.
我妈玩一跃入水然后我就在泳池里出生了
I got born in the deep end of a pool right after my mom did a cannonball.
我就知道不该问
Well, I knew the risks.
你从来都没提过你妈
You never really talk about your mom.
我很小时她就过世了
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
"大C哥"带走了她
I lost her to the big C.
"大C哥"就是我家旁边那只鳄鱼
That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house.
我逗你们呢我妈死于癌症
I'm just playing. It was cancer.
看我怎么倒立
Watch me do a handstand.
杰森·门多萨生前过得很惨
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.
他曾跟我说他唯一收到"生日礼品包"的一次
He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a pi?ata on his birthday
彩色礼品包儿童蒙眼用小棍将其戳爆
就是一只海鸥在海滩上吞下太多安全套最后撑爆了
was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.
但尽管如此
But despite it all,
他是我心目中最乐观向上的人
he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
杰森是第一个询问我感受的人
Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings.
而我至今也没有人类感受
I hadn't had any yet,
但这让我想要体会一下
but it made me want to go get some.
别人看不到他有多特别但我能看到
I could see something special inside him that no one else could see.
他胸腔内有一团多彩的光团
It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.
这就是我的杰森一个多彩如虹的大光团
That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob
隐藏于一副帅气健壮的皮囊之下
stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.
另外我得说认识一个傻蛋朋友挺好
Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy
这样就可以聊些真心喜欢的事物了
so I could talk about what really mattered in life.
摔角半合法毒品还有杰森·斯坦森Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
2019年《速度与激♥情♥ 之特别行动》男主角
斯坦森最牛掰
Statham forever!
说得好
Indeed.
斯坦森最牛掰阿门
Statham forever. Amen.
阿门
Amen.
着眼于一下大局
Let's focus on the big picture here.
不管人间何其复杂
Free of Earth's complications
人生走向何其难测
and its unintended consequences,
其他三人进步非常大
the other three improved a lot.
奇迪提升了38%的自信
Chidi got 38% more confident.
西蒙妮在评价别人时提升了43% 不再武断
Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people,
约翰没骂任何人是"贱婊"
and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
他对自己喊"贱婊"了
But he did yell the C-word at himself
还有一群松鼠以及绊倒他的椅子
as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
还费什么话啊
Why are we even still discussing this?
布兰特变得更坏了
Brent got worse.
如果心想事成都不能使人向善
If humans can't be good with their needs magically met,
也许他们本性就恶
maybe they're just not that good.
他说得对必须要铁证如山才可以
He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming.
我没法颠覆整个死后世界
I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down
就因为三个人变好了
because three people got a little bit better.
但别忘了
But don't forget.
大量证据显示埃莉诺
There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor,
杰森塔哈妮在先前实验中也提升自己了
Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment,
这就是六个人了
so that's six people.
《老友记》里就是六个主角啊
That's the number of friends in "Friends."
你难道要说《老友记》六个主角该下地狱吗
Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell?
也许罗斯和瑞秋该下地狱莫妮卡和乔伊也该
I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey,
钱德勒妥妥下地狱
and definitely Chandler...
但菲比不该啊
but Phoebe?
别挣扎了迈克尔你输了
Face it, Michael. You lost.
你所做的一切这次的实验
Everything you've done, this experiment,
原先的"善地"
the original Neighborhood,
让你的"人类渣伙伴"重返人间
sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth,
一切努力都打水漂了
all of it was for nothing.
暴击你要被炸成粘液了
Bam. You're glue.
肖恩你说得很有道理
Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
必须的什么套路
Exactly. What?
马特调出四个尚在人世的实时档案
Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth,
卡米拉·阿贾米尔唐娜·谢尔斯卓普
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
以及她的继女帕特里夏
and her stepdaughter Patricia,
以及史蒂文·皮里艾兹人称"药哥"
and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
他们不是实验一部
They were not part of the experiment.
如果他可以随便调好人进来
If he gets to bring in random good people into it,
我也可以随便调坏人档案
I should be able to bring in random bad people.
调出"伊丽莎白·霍尔姆斯"
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
大规模诈骗营设六百亿骗局
不亨利·基辛格
No, Henry Kissinger.
政♥治♥家主张"中美两强和平共处和平竞争并在需要合作的事项上合作"
不
No...
"死吓派"
PewDiePie.
油管第一网红凭游戏视频崛起的草根明星因嘴炮遭封♥杀♥
法官阁下我不是随便查看什么人
Your honor, the people I want to look at are not random.
这是四个"渣"人类在人间帮助过的人
They're four humans the cockroaches helped on Earth.
没靠魔法只靠善意
No magic. Just-- just kindness.
我敢说情感关怀让这四个人变得美好了
And I bet their emotional support made those four people better.
如果我错了
And I'm wrong,
我会承认
I'll be the first to say...
我们活该被炸成粘液
we're glue.
你们俩对这个词是有多大误解啊
I don't think any of you is using that right,
不重要了来看吧
but, fine, let's see it.
你们看
Look. Right there.
我们跟他们发生交集后
After we intervened,
"药哥"去老人中心帮忙了
Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly.
卡米拉创立了"塔哈妮奖学金"
Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name
213个女孩因此念上大学了
that sent 213 women to college.
唐娜开始每晚陪帕特里夏一起写作业了
Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night,
结果这个小女孩
and that little girl...
反过来教唐娜怎么算乘法了
actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication.
我的娘咧
Yikes.
重点是人们身边有爱与支持就会变美好
Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support.
没人爱没人支持怎能因此怪罪人类
How can we hold it against them when they don't?
我来提醒一句
Need I remind you that
布兰特每一天每一秒都变得更加恶劣
Brent got worse with every second of every moment of every day.
除了最后一刻
Until right at the end.
只剩十秒时他直线上升了
With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
这就是关键法官阁下
This is it, your honor.
重点就在这里
This is the whole story.
不存在"无可救药"的人
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
布兰特这一年都表现得很混♥蛋♥
Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being,
你可以从分数中看到
and the points total tells you that.
但这些数据没法说明
But what that number can't tell you...
他未来会成为什么样的人
is who he could've become tomorrow.
我很快会下判决
I'll have my ruling shortly.
珍妮特你想去哪办葬礼
Okay, Janet, where do you want to go for your funeral?
"戴夫和巴斯特家"吗
Dave and Buster's, probably?