善地
The Good Place
第四季
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善地
The Good Place S04E11
Part 1
Feb. 23, 2020, 9:02 a.m.
有消息吗
Anything?
没有 什么风声也没有
Nope. Nobody know squat.
到底出什么事了
What the here is going on?
都一周没有人类给我们蹂躏了
We haven't had any new humans to torture in, like, a week.
-心痒难耐 -可不是
- I miss it. - I know.
我今早都闲得蛋疼了
I got so desperate this morning,
我只能靠压扁一只茄子解闷儿
I tried flattening an eggplant.
但感觉不爽啊
It's just not the same.
傻鸟们 要开会了
Skin tags. Special meeting.
-开什么会 -不知道
- About what? - I don't know.
讨论你♥爸♥的臭蛋吧
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
可别又是性骚扰预防培训
I hope it's not more sexual harassment training.
刚培训完 我已经驾轻就熟了
We just did that, u202dand I'm already so good at it.
-我们抓到他们了 -真棒
- All right. We got them. - Okay, here we go!
不是这样 你们想多了
Yeah, that's not exactly what's happening here.
"恶地"要实行改革了
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
你们现在归我管了
and I'm-- well, I'm kind of your boss now.
他不是认真的吧
He's joking, right?
不是 体制改革了
I'm afraid he's not. Things are changing.
我和迈克尔要一起
Michael and I are actually going to be...
我们合作了
Working together.
真闹心
I hated that.
说这种话太闹心了 整件事就是历劫
I hated saying it. Hated how it felt. Hated all of it.
专门挑了你们几个
You all have been hand-selected
作为新体制之下的第一批"恶地"设计师
to be the very first Bad Place Architects who will learn the new system.
搞什么新体制 现有酷刑不挺好
Why do we need a new system? Torture works.
老祖宗传下来的规矩
It's the way it's always been done.
容我插一句
With all due respect,
"老祖宗传下来的规矩"
"It's the way it's always been done"
这句话一直是"种族歧视"与"歧视女性"的挡箭牌
is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny--
没错 瞧这姑娘多明事理
Exactly. See? This chick gets it.
善 地
第四季 第十一集
这些电脑可以查看
So these computers have access to every file
目前"恶地"所有人的档案
for every human currently in the Bad Place,
我们三个有一项艰巨任务
and the three of us have a very important job.
查出美国前总统中谁是同性恋
To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.
-不是 -行 双性恋
- No. - Okay, fine, bi.
你开心就好 总之 迈克尔正在培训设计师
Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained,
我们要找出第一批一千个人类参加考核
we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test--
一些有潜力向善的人
people who will just sail right through it
这样就能树立起新体制的可靠形象了
so we can build confidence in the system.
按什么条件选呢
So what are the criteria?
是找生前考评分数最高的人
Should it be people with the highest point totals
还是历经磨难之人呢
or overcame the greatest hardship?
就从"躁人物"入手吧
I think we just start with the gimmes--
活得最碉堡的那些人
the very best people who ever lived.
埃维尔·克尼维尔 "酷爱"卡♥通♥人物 "小跟班"
So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
分别是特技明星 饮料品牌人物 《王牌大贱谍》中一个角色
DJ爵士杰夫 一个阿♥拉♥丁神灯精灵 可以许愿更多"人类"
DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we can wish for infinity people.
-杰森 - 把我放进去也行
- Jason-- - Sure, throw me in there, too.
"肥八蛋"[《王牌大贱谍》人物] "世上最有趣的灵魂"
Also, Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man,
皮卡丘 "龙威小子"[电影] "温蒂汉堡"的温蒂
Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's,
"暴躁猫" 还有车内导航系统里的"大姐"
Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive.
差不多了 可以歇一下了
Feels like a good stopping point.
今天就到这里 明天再议
Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow.
-大家表现真好 -啥
- Great job, everyone. - What--
珍妮特把塔哈妮·阿贾米尔的档案发下去了
Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
她主动来当今日的测试目标
who volunteered to be today's test subject.
你们看一眼 我们继续
So take a look, and then we'll get going.
大家情绪不太高涨
They don't seem very enthused.
这比我想象中要棘手啊
This may be a tougher challenge than I thought,
堪比我当年教泰勒·斯威夫特怎么跳舞
like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance.
教了四年 教到我吐♥血♥
The longest four years of my life.
"恶地"体制彻底改革了
We're uprooting the entire Bad Place system,
这些设计师们积习难改
and these Architects are set in their ways.
培训他们要投入很多心血
It's gonna take a lot of work,
但投入过程才有意思啊
but the work is the fun part, guys.
不管花多长时间
So no matter who long it takes,
要坚持到底 开创一个辉煌未来
see it through and usher in a better, brighter future.
拉倒吧 我才不要替一个叛徒干活
Screw this. I'm not working for a traitor.
菲尔小爷不干了 我就是菲尔
Phil out. That's my name, Phil.
菲尔 别这样
Phil, hey. Come on, buddy.
我亲自挑了你
I personally chose you
就因为你在"自主启蒙部"取得的创新成果
based on your innovative work in the Performative Wokeness department.
谁不懂 用你这个直男癌教
Way to mansplain my own department to me.
你惹毛小爷了
And I'm triggered.
天 碉堡了
Man. What a legend.
你看谁的档案呢
Who you reading about?
我啊 我生前帅炸了
Me. I ruled on Earth.
我偷吸了好多汽油 埃莉诺
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
即便车在路上 着火了 车在船上
Even if the car was moving or on fire or a boat,
我还是能把汽油弄出来
I still always got that gas.
天 我都没想到还可以看自己的档案
Man. I never thought about the fact that we could look up our own files.
我把我们档案都打印出来了
Yeah, I printed out all of ours.
我爱你
I love you, okay?
是句甜言蜜语 但语气有点吓人
The words are nice, but the tone is scary.
我们情投意合 琴瑟和鸣
We're in love, and everything's great,
如果想一直这么恩爱下去
and if we want to keep it that way,
你得答应我永远别看我的档案
you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.
好
Okay.
你不想让我看 我就不看
If you don't want me to, then of course I won't,
但不管档案里有什么 我对你的爱都不会变
but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.
你现在这么说 那是你不知道我在2013年万圣节造的孽
You say that now, but you don't know what I did on Halloween 2013.
你在2013年万圣节干什么了
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
不记得了 肯定没好事
I don't remember, but it must've been bad,
因为第二天早上
because the next morning,
我在别人家地下室的乐伯美大储物柜里醒来
I woke up in a large Rubbermaid container in some family's basement,
把人家的家庭相册吐得到处都是
and I had barfed all over their old photo albums.
我就担心你会有这种反应 才不让你知道
Yeah, see, that's the look we're trying to avoid here, bud.
我不用看你的档案
I don't need to read your file.
我了解你 我爱你
I know you, and I love you.
我等不及要跟你永生相守了
And I can't wait to spend eternity with you.
当然 我们目前手头任务量很重
I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here,
我们还都得通过考核
and then we both have to pass the test,
但最终 我们会幸福相守
but eventually we're gonna be together forever--
你现在就看我档案吧
You have to read my file right now!
这是什么套路 我蒙圈了 你闹着玩吗
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
这是什么撩人的前戏吗
Is it a sex game somehow?
我不能冒险
I can't risk it.
万一我们永世相守过程中
What if we spend half of eternity together
你了解到一些事 于是变心了
and then you find out something that does change the way you feel about me
再怨恨我让你的青春喂了狗
and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity?
算了 早死早超生
No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off,
还是趁恋爱甜蜜期 看一下吧
and you read about all the bad stuff now when we're hot and heavy.
好 我会看
Okay. I'll read your file.
我能先看完奥斯卡·辛德勒的档案吗
Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?
著名电影《辛德勒的名单》就是以他的事迹为原型
我要排在那个"名单男"后面吗
That's who I got to follow? The list guy?
这段感情危险了啊
You and I are so screwed, dude.
经过不断地考核
After as many attempts as it takes,
如果这些人类通过考核
if your human passes the test
证明自己有资格进入"善地"
and proves that they deserve to go to the Good Place,
就会听到这个声音
you'll hear this sound.
"善地" 我来了
Good Place, here I come.
这个新体制特别赞
This new system is great.
新体制不费吹灰之力地实现 要归功于谁呢
Who do we have to thank for effortlessly implementing it?
不管是谁 这都是一次壮举
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree it was a home run.
就是我啦 再见 各位
It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
辣眼睛啊 这段影片终于放完了吗
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece. Is this movie finally over?
差不多完了 还有一小段
It's basically over. Just one little--
♪就是个考验♪
♪ It's simply the test ♪
善地
The Good Place
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