善地

The Good Place S04E06

Part 1 Nov. 19, 2019, 4:01 p.m.

-傻鸟 -你好邪恶版珍妮特
- Hi, dipshirt. - Hello, Bad Janet.
-你今天好吗 -糟透了
- How are you today? - Terrible.
我是来告诉你你被监禁六个月
I'm here to let you know that after six months of captivity
于良善版珍妮特虚空之中
here in Good Janet's void,
今天是最后一天
today's your last day.
我会给你讲个故事
I'm gonna tell you a story,
等我讲完我就会把你清理掉
and once that's done, I'm getting rid of you.
你终于有种拿出恶魔纯爷们该有的样子了
Sounds like someone finally put on his big boy demon pants.
什么故事
So what's the story?
又要叨叨你们费力证明
Another one of your attempts to prove that
人类本善值得尊重
humans are "good" and "worthy of respect"
而不是一群傻肉球的故事吗
and not "Big fat sacks of dookie"?
差不多你准备好了吗
Something like that. Are you ready?
你说书之前我先做件事
One thing, real quick, before you start.
这个屁香会弥留很久
Wow, she's gonna last.
这就是你的烂故事吗看着就很枯燥
Is that your story? It looks boring.
这本书是故事的一部分
This book is a part of the story.
你到时就知道了
You'll see.
一切都要从一周前说起
It all started about a week ago.
我们让四个人类去滑雪了
We had sent the four humans on a ski trip.
他们都摔落悬崖
And they all skied off a cliff
粉碎性骨折裤子都摔掉了
and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down
光着屁♥股♥ 春光乍泄
and you could see their butts.
剧终
The end.
其实进展超出了我们的预期
Actually, it went better than we could have possibly hoped.
我承认我之前想错了
Well, I admit it. I was wrong.
-滑雪太好玩了 -没错
- That was super fun. - Yeah.
虽然我没法真去滑雪
I mean, I couldn't actually go skiing
一想到斜着滑我就吓到胆破
because moving at an angle terrifies me.
但滑雪小屋有很多读书角啊
But that lodge had so many reading nooks.
放眼望去各种读书角
Just everywhere you look, a nook!
建宇还指引我们冥想效果很赞
Plus, Jianyu guided us on that amazing meditation.
你们想分享一下祷告语吗
Do you guys want to share what your mantra is?
我的版本是用凯特·布兰切特的语气喊"蕾哈娜"
Mine is Cate Blanchett saying "Rihanna."
《雷神3》死神海拉
恭喜你玩金拉米纸牌时赢了
Congrats again on the gin rummy win.
我还以为会完虐你
I thought I was gonna take you down
因为我以前在大学时经常玩
because I used to play all the time back in college.
你毕业于罗格斯大学吧
You went to Rutgers, right?
-不我是普林斯顿学子 -我知道
- No, I went to Princeton. - Yeah, I know.
我就是故意逗你玩
I'm messing with you.
真厉害
Nice one!
你刚才是开玩笑对吧
Hey, you were joking though, right?
你知道是普林斯顿吧你肯定知道
You know it's Princeton? Yeah, you know.
小伙伴们干得漂亮
Okay, team, well done.
他们表现都很赞
They're all kind of killing it,
但布兰特绝对进步最大
but Brent has definitely made the most progress.
对西蒙妮玩牌时赢了他
Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards,
他没气冲冲掀桌子走人
he didn't flip the table and storm off.
他只是气冲冲走人了值得表扬
He just stormed off. That's big!
但还是不清楚他真的变了
Well, we still don't know if he's really changed
还是只为了进入"高端天堂"
or if he's just trying to get into Super-Heaven.
但他的言行没那么混♥蛋♥了
But his behavior is changing.
记住这就是我们的总路线
Remember, that's the road map.
先变其言行再导其心善
First, we change the behavior. Then, we work on motivation.
现在
And now--
万众期待的时刻到了
The moment you've all been waiting for.
"本周最佳救人奖"颁给
The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...
杰森
Jason!
太棒了
Yes!
请继续在奇迪那里发挥作用
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.
"本周最性感救人者"颁给
And the award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...
埃莉诺·谢尔斯卓普
Eleanor Shellstrop!
-谢谢我接受了 -我就从没获得过这个奖
- Thank you, I accept. - I never win Hottest.
你让我怎么说呢
I don't know what to tell you, man.
多健健身翘翘屁♥股♥
Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?
这真是个亮点我是说这趟滑雪旅程
It was a real high point. The ski trip, I mean.
而不是"暗箱操作"的性感比拼
Not the completely rigged hotness contest.
总之这是目前实验进展最顺利的一次
All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment.
结果布兰特闹了一出
And then, Brent did something...
作死的戏码
very Brent-y.
小学生都能猜到的戏码啊
Who could have predicted that?
滑雪小朋友们
Ski bunnies!
好消息我写了一本书
So, great news. I wrote a book.
我朋友中你们都是"酸秀才"
And since you're my nerdiest friends,
就让你们先来读吧
you get to be the first to read it.
《低于标准杆的六尺之下奇普·大司机之谜》
"Six Feet Under Par: A Chip Driver Mystery."
内容一半是间谍一半是破案
Yeah, it's half spy novel, half murder mystery.
还有一半是海底冒险
It's also half submarine adventure,
一半情♥色♥传记一半政♥治♥惊悚题材
half erotic memoir, and half political thriller.
还一半是高尔夫指南一半社会评论
It's also half golf tutorial and half commentary on society.
-三个"一半"内容杂烩在一本书 -至少这么多内容
- So it's 3 1/2 books in one? - At least.
快读
So read it ASAP.
我要办签售会我想让你来做推荐嘉宾
I'm having a book-signing party and I want you to introduce me.
吹捧一下我的书有多棒
You know, talk about how great it is.
签售会就在两天后
Party's in two days,
你们抓紧时间
so chop-chop.
塔哈妮取消你的计划
Tahani, cancel your plans.
我们一起喝点小酒
We're gonna split a bottle of wine
一起来朗读布兰特的烂俗小说
and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.
要命了也许我们不该吐槽
Dear. Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.
一起去滑雪时他和善多了
He did seem nicer on the ski trip.
他给我们做了棉花糖点心
He made us all s'mores.
但话说回来他确实先吹嘘自己是发明者
Though, to be fair, he did also claim to have invented them.
你帮他说话之前
Before you defend him,
先听一下奇普·大司机的恋爱角色
you might want to check out Chip Driver's love interest.
不是吧
No.
"她叫斯嘉丽·巴基斯坦"
"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan,
塔哈妮的演员为巴基斯坦血统
她这一类女人
and she was the type of girl
不能一次爽透不然会精尽人亡
you couldn't take in all at once or you'd die.
你得耐着性子
You had to take her in bit by bit,
就像卢浮宫慢慢玩味"
like a great work of art, like the Louvre."
"她棕色的眼睛就如最棕色的蜡笔一般
"Her brown eyes were as brown as the brownest crayon.
她的腿就如'杰西卡兔女郎'一般又长又诱人"
She had legs like Jessica Rabbit from that movie."
"她长长的秀发散发着黄昏月下"四杆洞"的味道
"Her long, flowing locks smelled like the moon at twilight on a par four?"
三杆洞打进一杆进洞很正常四杆洞很罕见不可思议系列
-我很替你心塞 -这也不算最惨的事
- I'm sorry about this. - I've been through worse.
有一次我参加埃隆·马斯克的生日宴
Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,
富可敌的"硅谷钢铁侠"
我坐在前意大利总统贝卢斯科尼和马斯克之间
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.
情况不乐观布兰特和西蒙妮的关系很棘手
This is bad. Brent and Simone is our trickiest relationship.
她对人的评价有些武断
She tends to make snap judgments about people,
而他的言行不断证明
and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms
她武断的评价很正确
the accuracy of her snap judgments.
要让她觉得布兰特只是做事混♥蛋♥ 人不坏
We need her to believe that Brent is better than his worst actions,
比如说塔哈妮
like saying that Tahani,
"她的口音像英国女王
"Has an accent like the Queen of England,
但没有女王的满脸老褶子"
but without any of the old gross face parts."
我们觉得可以补救布兰特作死这出戏
We felt like we could contain the fallout from Brent's book.
但这种剧情的走向
But as is often the case with these things,
一般总是牵一发而动全身
the negative effects started to ripple out.
就像有人在公车上吐了
Like when someone throws up on a bus
有人闻到后也会跟着吐吗
and then someone smells it, and they throw up?
对
Sure, yeah.
怎么了老哥
What's wrong, homie?
布兰特写了一本书
Brent wrote this book,
显然把我们几个也写进去了
and clearly, he put some of us in it.
书中有一个胆小鬼角色叫"四眼伊戈比"
There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby
他戴着眼镜穿着毛绒背心
who wears glasses and sweater vests
从不临时找乐子也不会做很碉堡的事
and never does anything spontaneous or cool.
我在教你伦理道德这还不够碉堡吗
I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?