9号秘事

你♥他♥妈♥也不说脏话 是吧
You don't fucking swear either, do you?
众所周知我在危急关头
I have been known to blurt out
会脱口而出"太扯啦"
"fiddlesticks" in moments of crisis.
了不起
Remarkable.
你真是个好人
You are such a kind soul.
倒也算不上 那只是表象
I'm not really. It's just a front.
我只是做点好事来平衡一下
I just do nice things to balance it out.
你今晚到底为什么又把我喊过来
Now, why did you get me back here tonight?
你只见过我糟糕的一面
Well, you've only ever known the ill version of me,
但我年轻时可是很成功的
but I was very successful at a very early age.
我年轻力壮的时候 天呐 我...
When I was young and well, God, I...
我是如此充满活力
..I lived my life with such vigour.
我知道 我读过那些文章
I know. I've read the articles.
超过45年连胜不败
A winning streak that lasted over 45 years.
史无前例 你无所畏惧
It's unheard of. You were fearless.
卓越证书
他们称你为法庭上的雄狮
The Lion of the Bailey, they called you.
我都不记得是怎么做到的了
I can't remember how I did it.
可是等你老了 却他妈渐渐变得胆怯
And, then, as you get older, this fucking timidity creeps in.
别人的青春让你自惭形秽
You get cowed by youth,
别人的自信将你击垮
overwhelmed by the self-confidence of others.
我想这就像骑自行车一样
I bet it's just like riding a bike.
你只需要重新热热身
You just need warming up again.
让我看看你以前是怎么做的
Show me how you used to do it.
-别闹了 -不 试试嘛 一定很好玩
- Oh, don't be ridiculous. - No, come on, it'll be fun.
我就能见识到雄狮出击了
And I'll get to see the Lion in action.
雄狮 死猫还差不多
Lion? Dead cat, more like.
我选一个罪行 然后你试着替我开罪[高♥潮♥]I'll pick a crime, and then, you try and get me off.
-可以这么说 -我没心情
- So to speak. - I am not in the mood.
我会给你半片芬太尼哦
I'll give you half a fentanyl.
那好吧
Very well.
贝德福德先生 你到底被指控犯了什么罪
So, Mr Bedford, what exactly are they accusing you of?
这是个棘手的问题
Ah, yes. Now, it's a rather delicate matter.
说吧
Go on.
事关我前妻上个月发生的
Well, it's to do with an incident that happened last month
一起事件
with my ex-wife.
妻子
Wife?!
这个故事已经开始让人无法相信了
This story is already stretching credulity.
你就配合一下
Just go along with it.
我去到她家
So, I turned up at her house,
她正在为我们的宝贝女儿木琴
where she was hosting a birthday party
开生日派对
for our precious daughter Xylophone
屋里有25个目击者
and, in a room full of 25 witnesses,
看到我掏出猎枪 把她绑起来
I pulled out a shotgun, I tied her up,
然后开车载到我偏僻的小屋
and I drove her to my isolated cottage,
一直把她囚禁在那儿 直到她同意给我监护权
where I held her captive until she agreed to give me custody.
-监护你的宝贝女儿木琴吗 -没错
- Of your precious daughter, Xylophone? - Correct.
-她同意了吗 -没有
- And did she? - No.
所以我一枪爆了她的头
So I shot her in the face.
好了
Right.
说吧 你如何替我抗辩
Go on, then. How would you plead that?
用合法的辩解
Well, lawful excuse.
我的委托人当时正在擦拭他的合法猎枪
My client was cleaning his licensed hunting rifle
准备去打松鸡
in readiness for a grouse shoot
这时一个儿童派对用气球突然爆♥炸♥
when he genuinely mistook what turned out to be
他误以为那是枪响
the bursting of a children's party balloon for live fire.
因为担心他妻子的安危
Fearing for his wife's wellbeing,
他立刻开车载她到乡下一处安全的房♥子
he immediately drove her to a safe house in the country,
并且用绳子绑住她 以防她在路上
using a length of rope to prevent her from injuring herself
-弄伤自己 -厉害
- on the journey. - Wow!
此外 我打算
Furthermore, it is my intention
对不合规格的派对气球提出索赔
to file a product liability claim for substandard party balloons
依照《英国国家标准3303》第一部分
with reference to British Standard 3303, part one.
索赔多少钱
How much for the claim?
我们勉强能接受五百万外加诉讼费
I think we'd be happy to settle for five million, plus costs.
太了不起了
Get in!
雄狮再次怒吼
The Lion roars again!
韦伯斯特先生 你宝刀未老
You've still got it, Mr Webster!
贝德福德 谢谢你让我暂时忘记了疼痛
Well, thank you, Bedford, for this short diversion.
不过今晚需要你帮我个忙
But I need you to help me with something tonight.
-不要又玩数独 -不 我是认真的
- Not another sudoku. - No, come on, I'm serious.
我也是 所以我才会在这里陪着你
And so am I. That's why I'm here with you,
而不是去听我朋友多莉演奏莫扎特的作品
and not listening to my friend, Dolly, playing Mr Mozart.
是这个生日
It's this birthday, this...
它...
Oh, the...
就是压在我心头的巨石
It's such a weight.
我必须想起来
I have to remember!
如果你想不起的是年纪 蛋糕上有写
If it's your age, it'll say on your cake.
我去拿好不好 切两块蛋糕泡一壶茶
Shall I go and fetch it? Two plates, pot of tea?
不 把我的活页簿拿过来
No, bring me my Filofax.
怎么 我们要带它上《古董巡演》节目吗
Why? Are we taking it on Antiques Road show?
拜托了 在柜子里面 在...
Please! It's... it's in the cabinet, on the...
最上面的抽屉里
..in the top drawer.
锁住了
Locked.
你应该想不起钥匙放在哪儿了吧
I don't suppose you can recall where the key is.
你说呢 你得大力砸开
What do you think? You'll have to smash it open.
我才不要
I'm not doing that!
我是专业护工 不是粗工
I'm a trained nurse, I'm not a labourer.
我得翻阅以前的案子
I have to read through my old cases.
有些事让我很困扰
Something's troubling me.
稍等 在我们上演《大力王》戏码前
Wait a minute. Before we go all World's Strongest Man...
你记不记得你以前的咖啡师制♥服♥放哪儿了
..do you remember where you keep your old barista uniform?
-是辩护律师 而且那也不叫制♥服♥ -在哪里
- Barrister! And it's not a uniform. - Where is it?
我根本不信你捐给狗狗慈善会了
Cos I don't believe for a minute you've given it to Dogs Trust.
我的律师袍和假发在那衣柜的最里面
My robes and my wigs are in the back of that wardrobe.
看到没
Oh, there you are, you see.
你完全能回忆起你的裙子放哪儿了
No problem remembering where your frocks are.
你的重点抓得很准
You've got your priorities right.
怎么了
What?
你最开始为什么想当辩护律师
What made you want to be a barrister in the first place?
-是因为这套扮相吗 老实交代哦 -我不知道
- Was it this costume? Be honest. - I don't know!
人做事情有原因吗
Why does anyone do anything?
那你为什么成了护工呢
Why did you end up doing this?
我从不喜欢文件柜
I've never liked filing cabinets.
说来也奇怪 因为文件柜可以归到文具类
Which is funny, cos you'd put them in the same camp as stationery,
而我超喜欢文具
and I love stationery.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
应该是因为文具柜让我想起学校的事
I think they remind me of school.
上家政课前 卡尔·杰克逊被一个橘子噎住了
Carl Jackson choking on a tangerine before home economics.
我永远不会忘记 他一瞬间就憋得脸色发青
I'll never forget how quickly he went blue.
卡尔欺负其他同学
Carl was the school bully...
所以没人愿意帮他
..so nobody wanted to help him.
所有人就吃着薯片站在那儿看
Everyone just stood about, eating crisps.
我用力拍打他的后背
I tried smacking him on the back,
把手指伸进他的喉咙
sticking my fingers down his throat
现在想起我会哆嗦
which I cringe at now,
因为那不符合急救流程 但是
cos that's really not protocol, but...
我当时才13岁
..I was 13.
我不知道该怎么做
I didn't know what to do.
我现在仍然能闻到那个橘子的味道
And I can still smell that orange.
他就死在我面前的地上
He died on the floor in front of me.
学校甚至都没让我们回家
They never even sent us home.
菲利普森老师教我们做了苹果奶酥
We just made an apple crumble with Miss Phillipson
就像什么都没发生
like nothing had happened.
所以回答你的问题
So, in answer to your question,
我想这就是我成为护工的原因
I think that's why I've ended up doing what I'm doing.
我这辈子都在试图救卡尔·杰克逊
Spent my life trying to save Carl Jackson.
有了
There we are.
我就知道能找到一个
I knew I'd find one.
跟电影里一样
Just like in the films.
瞧瞧 怎么样 简直是《海蒂探案》
Ta-da! How about that, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates?!