燃情克利夫兰

Hot in Cleveland S02E03

Part 3 May 4, 2020, 9:20 a.m.

昨天晚饭时你居然那样诋毁我
I can't believe what you said about me at dinner last night.
那你又是怎么诋毁我的
What about what you said about me?
虽说是正式开战
I mean, I know we said it was on,
但那也太过分了吧
but that was beyond on.
幸好我安然于硝烟之上
Fortunately I stayed above the fray.
安什么安假扮噎着了
What, by pretending to choke
好让科克抱住你吗
so that Kirk would put his arms around you?
是啊我敢肯定实施海姆利克急救时
Yeah, I'm pretty sure at no point during the Heimlich
被噎着的快死之人
is the choking victim
是不应该指导施救者来摸自己胸部的
supposed to guide the rescuer's hands to her boobs.
我还活着才是重点
The important thing is I'm alive.
昨晚真是要人命
Worst night ever.
女士们昨晚很开心啊
Hey, girls. That was fun last night.
-太开心了 -我从没这么开心过
- Oh, so much fun. - I had the best time.
我比她们更开心科克
I had an even better time, Kirk.
爱尔卡准备好了吗听证会快开始了
So is Elka ready? It's almost time for the competency hearing.
她正打扮着呢
She's just freshening up.
我在哪里
Where am I?
我是谁
Who am I?
我们去糊弄法官吧
Let's do this thing.
不好是麦克斯
Oh, no, it's Max.
他跟巫婆你死·肥婆蛋在一起
And he's with Hagnes Fatford.
记住了你有老年痴呆
Okay, now, remember, you're supposed to be senile.
这里人多嘴杂
There are a lot of people out here.
爱尔卡你怎么了
Elka, what's going on?
麦克斯大家看着呢
Oh, Max. People are staring.
快无视她吧
Just ignore her.
你养的猪为什么穿着衣服
Why is your pig wearing a dress?
说什么屁话
What?
请原谅她
Please excuse her.
她根本不知道自己在说些什么
She doesn't understand what she's saying.
我不知道为什么会这样
I don't know what this is all about,
但与其你从别人那里听到
but before you hear from anyone else,
不如我告诉你
I just want to tell you that...
我们要结婚了
We're getting married.
什么
What?
我们要成亲了
We're getting MARRIED!
可是
But...
她只是犯糊涂了她这样已经有段时间了
She's just confused. This has been coming on for some time now.
麦克斯没时间了
Max, tick tock.
法官正等着我们呢
The judge is waiting for us.
婚礼两点开始
The wedding's at 2:00.
保重爱尔卡
Be well, Elka.
真不敢相信
I cannot believe
你居然曾经跟那个丑婆娘订过婚
that you were ever engaged to that dreadful woman.
很好不过留到听证会上表现
That's great, but save it for the hearing.
-爱尔卡 -我很遗憾
- Elka. - I'm so sorry.
我知道你的心思在麦克斯那里
I know your mind is on Max,
不过要记住过了这关就不用坐牢了
but remember, this could keep you out of prison.
谢谢你陛下
Thank you, your majesty.
此听证会将判定
This is a hearing to determine
案件号♥10421的被告是否具备受审能力
if the defendant is competent to stand trial in case number 10421,
此案为爱尔卡·奥斯特洛夫斯基公诉案
the People versus Elka Ostrovsky.
辩方律师是...
For the defense, we have...
金牌大状科克·斯塔克
the very capable Kirk Stark.
下午好辩方律师
Good afternoon, counselor.
下午好法官大人
Good afternoon, judge.
现在感觉很好
It is now.
你最近是一直在健身吗
Have you been working out?
每日例行大人
Every day, your honor.
要练就如此身材需要怎样锻炼
What exactly does that entail?
要做不少收腹运动举重下蹲踏步练习
Oh, a lot of crunches, squats, stair work,
类似这些吧
that sort of thing.
真是让人神魂颠倒
That's fascinating.
我们还是继续办正事吧
Well, I suppose we should continue.
此案的控方是
Representing the State in this matter we have...
格雷克·崔默
Uh, Greg Trimmer...
行了别给我啰里巴嗦的
Yeah, I don't need to know your life story.
科克需要传召第一位证人吗
Kirk, do you want to call your first witness?
谢谢你法官大人
Thank you, your honor.
首先辩方
At this time, the defense
想传召维多利亚·蔡斯上庭
would like to call Victoria Chase to the stand.
抱歉
Oh, I'm sorry.
辩方想传召
The defense would like to call
电视明星维多利亚·蔡斯上庭
television's Victoria Chase to the stand.
请举起右手
Please raise your right hand.
请宣誓你的一切证词
Do you swear to tell the truth,
全属事实绝无虚假
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
我宣誓
I do.
蔡斯女士请向庭上举出具体事例
Now, Ms. Chase, could you give the court an example
以说明为什么你认为被告无受审能力
of why you think the defendant is incapable of standing trial?
画面淡入
Fade in.
镜头推近到一位年老女性的手
Close on an elderly woman's hand
端起一个精致的茶杯
picking up a delicate teacup.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
法官大人我正在铺垫场景
Oh, I'm setting the scene, your honor.
有话快说有例快举大导演
Just get to the example, Fellini.
上周我在客厅
Last week I was in my living room,
蜷成一团作小猫咪可爱状
curled up and kittenish...
看着《美国法律期刊》上一篇极具洞悉力的文章
Um, reading a penetrating article in the American Law Journal.
和法律有关的我都喜欢
I just love all things pertaining to law.
我突然发现爱尔卡
Anyway, I suddenly noticed that Elka
晃荡到街上去了
had wandered out into the street,
她看起来既害怕又迷惘的样子
she was frightened and confused, and...
于是我不顾个人安危冲出去救了她
Well, at great personal risk, i ran out to save her.
你的室友梅兰妮及乔依是目击证人吗
And were your roommates Melanie and Joy witness to this?
事实上乔依已经醉得趴下了
Actually, Joy was way too drunk to stand.
当时才早上9点而已
It was 9:00 A.M.
骗人
Not true.
肃静
Order in the court.
梅兰妮在楼上鼓足勇气
And Melanie was upstairs, waging her own brave,
发动对抗脂肪团的终极无效战役
but ultimately futile battle against cellulite.
反对
Objection.
只有法官和律师才能反对
Only the judge or the lawyers can object.
太正确了
That's right.
你真是精通律师之道啊
You really know your stuff.
就算我伤心欲绝也要说
So as much as it breaks my heart to say this,
我真的认为她不具备受审能力
I really do think she's not competent to stand trial.
多谢你出庭作证莫雷蒂女士
Well, thank you, Ms. Moretti, for your testimony.
跟我客气什么
You're welcome. Any time.
我可喜欢和你聊天了
I like it when we talk.
有件事我要澄清下
Oh, I'd like to clear something up.
虽然我很同情95%饱受
Although I do sympathize with the 95% of women
脂肪团之苦的女同胞
who do suffer from cellulite,
但我恰好属于那幸运的5%
I happen to be one of the lucky 5%.
记录下来本庭也属于那幸运的5%
Let the record show that the court has been equally blessed.
你怎么还没记啊
I don't hear typing.
很明显她是痴人说胡话
And she's clearly delusional.
她总是把我错认为妓♥女♥
She always mistakes me for a hooker.
事实上很多人将我错认为凯特·贝金塞尔
Whereas most people mistake me for Kate Beckinsale.
这是作伪证法官大人
That's perjury, your honor.
让她说出所谓将她错认为
Ask her to name these so called people
凯特·贝金塞尔的人的名字
who think she's Kate Beckinsale.
闭嘴我可没打断你的假证词
Oh, stop it. I didn't interrupt your testi-lying.
我一个谎都没说
I did not lie once.
多了去了你至少说了十次谎话
You so did. You lied, like, ten times.
关于爱尔卡的都是真话
Except about Elka.
因为她是真的疯了
'Cause she really is crazy.
这是千真万确的
And that's the honest truth.
我可以发誓
I'll even swear...