绝望写手（2021）

Sneaking out in the morning without saying goodbye?
我以为你只会那样对待 追梦的伴舞舞者
I thought you just did that to aspiring backup dancers.
I'm not leaving just yet.
我可还没要离开
I'm not making you breakfast, if that's what you're after.
要我替你做早餐的话 门儿都没有
＂评论报＂今天会刊出一则新闻
There is a story coming out today
in the Review-Journal that MC Ludwig
ＭＣ路德维将取代你 在帕美托赌场驻场表演
is taking over your slot at the Palmetto.
- What? - I'm sorry.
什么？
我很遗憾
我还全♥裸♥躺在这里
I'm literally naked here.
我是想亲口告诉你 怕你从其他地方听闻
I just wanted to tell you myself before you heard it someplace else.
你的第２５００场秀 将是最后一场
Your 2,500th show is gonna be your last.
那我手上那些照片呢？
What about the... pictures that I have, the photos?
我愿意接受抨击
I'll take the hit.
我的合约还有两年
I have a contract for two more years.
我出钱解约，你会拿到违约金
And I'm buying you out of it. You'll get your full penalty.
这不是我个人决定的 我得对董事会交代
This wasn't just my decision. I have a board to answer to.
你不必为了减轻打击就跟我上♥床♥
You know, you didn't have to have sex with me
to soften the blow.
你床技也还好
You're not that good in bed.
我昨晚就想告诉你
No. Look, I wanted to tell you last night
但事情接二连三
but then one thing led to another, and...
as much as I enjoyed it
虽然我很享受 但这不是计划好的
this wasn't part of the plan.
你可以走了
You can go now.
好吧
All right.
我很抱歉
I am truly sorry.
艾娃
Ava!
－起床 －你怎么进来的？
- Get up! - How'd you get in here?
我出的钱当然有钥匙
I paid for the room. I have a key.
起床，有一小时新内容要写
Get up, we have a whole new hour to write.
Wait, what?
－等等，什么，我要先尿尿 －没时间了
- I have to pee. - No. No time.
Marty is buying me out of my contract.
－马提要付钱解我约 －糟糕
- Oh, shit. - We're gonna do all that
这次周年表演我们要搬出 之前在说的无趣忏悔笑料
unfunny confessional stuff
that we've been talking about for the anniversary show.
It's gonna be the whole thing.
把这个当作主轴
- Unfunny? - And it's gonna be so splashy
－无趣？ －这次一定要够轰动
that another casino will want me
别的赌场就会签我 我就能叫马提去死一死
and I can tell Marty to go f**k himself.
你怎么还在床上磨蹭？
Why are you still in bed?
A full new hour?
一小时新内容？ 黛，距表演还有两周
D, that show is two weeks away.
首先，不准叫我黛
First of all, you will absolutely not call me D.
And secondly, yes, I know. It's a time crunch.
再者，我知道时间很紧迫了
So come on, grab... the pile.
快点拾起你的东西
You're gonna be staying at my house till we're finished.
写完之前你要住在我家
Also, you're gonna start getting up every morning at 7.00.
还有之后每天早上七点起床
给你良心建议
Piece of advice.
凯莉里帕的一天都结束了 你的一天却还没开始
If Kelly Ripa's day is already over
and yours hasn't even started, you're in trouble.
那你就没救了
－这是啥？ －那是我的内衣篮
What is this?
That's my bra bucket. There's no storage here.
－这里没地方放 －不是‥我说这个
No... no, this.
是我的抹茶拿铁小茶栈
Oh, that's my matcha latte station.
这玩意儿不准带
You're not bringing that.
－快点动起来 －好啦
- Move your ass! - Okay!
所以后来我开始服用减肥药
So then I started taking diet pills.
But they gave me such terrible headaches
但我因此头痛得无法入睡
I couldn't sleep, but I'll tell you what.
但我告诉你们 辛普森案审判我全程看了
I didn't miss a second of the OJ trial.
Come on, you've seen the grape lady.
你一定看过葡萄姑娘
我从没听过
- I've never heard of her. - Okay. Look at this.
好吧，你看
篮子里都是葡萄了
These buckets are filled with grapes...
－好吧，你选 －我想吃寿司
- Okay, fine, you pick. - I want to get sushi. I love
－我好爱那家的螃蟹寿司卷 －不要
- the crab roll from that place. - No.
那天是亚伦艾达生日
No. That was Alan Alda's birthday.
他是谁？
Who's that?
－真是可怕 －我不能呼吸了，住手
- That's horrible. - I can't breathe.
- Stop. - Play it again.
再播一次‥
三战两胜
Best two out of three.
太好了 螃蟹寿司卷，宝贝我来了
Yes! Crab roll, here I come, baby.
Well, I hear this snap sound.
我听到碎裂声 当下我就知道骨折了
And I knew that the bone was broken.
＂写灵媒诈欺我的故事？ 黛，留言＂
天啊，他们忘记送螃蟹寿司卷
Oh, my god.
They forgot the crab roll!
我们工作一整天 你都没笑这么夸张
We've been working all day.
You haven't laughed this hard once.
不行，我不搞侮辱喜剧
No, I don't do insult humor.
You insult my hands all the time.
你一天到晚侮辱我的手
－那叫日常观察喜剧 －天啊
- That's observational humor. - Oh, my god!
Hey, is it okay if I leave my eyes open?
我眼睛睁开没关系吧？
当然有关系
- Oh, definitely not. - Why didn't you tell me?
－你怎么不早说？ －你还年轻，没事的
You're young. You'll be fine.
Hit.
加牌
２１点，艾娃赢了
- Twenty-one. - Ava wins!
You don't always have to sound so surprised.
你不必每次都讲得这么讶异
你们为什么要去沙加缅度？ 不能在这边练习就好吗？
Why are you guys going to Sacramento?
Can't you just practice it here?
'Cause if it works there, it'll work anywhere.
如果那边能成，到处都能成
冷知识
Fun fact...
史上的少数连环女杀手中 有一位家乡在沙加缅度
Sacramento is home for one of the only female serial killers.
怎样？ 我的女权知识很足
What? I know feminist shit too.
You know, I always thought it was so bizarre
我一直觉得 加州首都是沙加缅度超奇怪
that Sacramento is the capital of California.
就像奥巴尼是纽约州首都
It's like Albany being the capital of New York.
彷彿有人在两百年前 就在猜哪些城市会变重镇
It feels like someone tried to guess which cities
were gonna be important, like, 200 years ago
and now everyone's afraid to admit that they were wrong.
但现代人不敢承认前人错了
夸张的是 我听你讲完竟然有同感
You know what's crazy?
I just listened to that whole thing, and I agree with you.
That is crazy.
是很夸张‥
That is crazy.
＂老家＂
喂？
- Hi. - Hey, kiddo.
喂，孩子？
Oh, Dad, hi!
－爸，你好 －万恶城市还好吗？
- How's Sin City? - It's all right.
还行，你身体还好吗？
- How are you feeling? - Great!
很好啊，我刚刚在想‥
I was just thinking, maybe I could come visit.
也许我可以去找你
看看你的喜剧表演
See your comedian's show.
我以前还有伍迪艾伦的唱片
You know, I had Woody Allen records back in the day.
请务必要丢掉
You gotta get rid of those.
All right, so what's a good weekend?
好，那你哪一周方便？
你确定能搭飞机吗，爸？ 妈妈怎么说？
Are you sure you should fly, Dad?
- What does Mom think? - Well, you know her.
你懂的，记得她要你十九岁 才能开车去购物中心吗？
Remember when she wouldn't let you drive to the mall till you were 19?
记得，但那座停车场很满 我开的又是大厢型车
Yeah, but that was a hectic parking lot and a huge van.
You know, you're talking about flying cross-country
你是想在中风两个月后长途飞行
a couple months after having a stroke.
我就说了我没事
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
话说‥
So do you use Travel-o-city.com?
你用不用线上旅游网站？
You think that's legit?
－你觉得安全吗？ －是安全的，对
Yeah. It's legit, yeah.
你好，句点
Hello, period.
等不及今晚见面了，句点
Can't wait to see you tonight, period.
眨眼表情符号♥
Winky face.
删除
Delete.
删除眨眼表情符号♥
Delete winky face.
Oh, my god!
天啊，我一直都很好奇
I've always wondered, literally
到底有谁会用语♥音♥输入 结果你会用啊
who on Earth uses voice to text, and it's you.
－果不其然 －你不是要去沙加缅度？
This tracks so hard.
Shouldn't you be in Sacramento?
对，我们二十分钟后走
Yeah, we're leaving in 20.
我一直觉得加州首都 是沙加缅度很奇怪
You know, I always thought it was so weird
how Sacramento is the capital of California
就像纽约州首都是奥巴尼
like how Albany is the capital of New York...
希望这一切都值得
- I hope it's worth it. - What?
什么？
你知道她叫我取消 这两周的行程吗？
Do you know she made me clear her schedule
for the last two weeks?
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