绝望写手（2021）

Yeah, I also have a lot of gay fans.
Oh, and some of them clearly couldn't get tickets
这些同志观众会来 显然是没抢到猛♥男♥秀的票
to "Magic Mike Live" tonight.
I also have a lot of gay enemies.
我也有很多同志仇人
Or as I like to call them, my exes.
我喜欢称他们为‥
前任
The gays have so many terms, right?
同志的用语好多
I can't keep up. There's "top, bottom
我真的跟不上，一号♥，零号♥‥
熊，瘦猴，老爹
bear, twink, daddy."
今晚有个观众告诉我‥
A fan told me the other night...
前几天晚上有个观众告诉我‥
a fan told me after the show the other night
如果我是同志 我会是强猛的一号♥
that if I was gay, I would be a power top...
猛一‥
Which, by the way, are 40 percent off at Ann Taylor right now.
对了，现在买♥♥一号♥的衣服打六折
I think he's wrong, though.
不过我觉得他错了
You know, I don't think there's a term
如果我是男同志 应该无法归类
for the kind of gay man that I would be.
I mean, I'm rich. I wear fabulous clothes.
我很有钱，衣着有品味
喜欢珠宝首饰，好几年没搞了
I love jewelry. Haven't been laid in years.
天哪‥
Oh, my God, I'm the pope!
我是教宗
Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.
谢谢，各位真的很捧场
Not as good as last night, but not bad.
没昨晚的热情，但是也不错了
I'm still Deborah Vance. Good night, Las Vegas!
我是黛博拉凡斯
你一定听腻了
I'm sure you're tired of hearing it because I'm tired of saying it
因为我已经说腻了
但是我房♥间的电视还是不能看
but the TV in my room is still not working.
Okay.
了解
我必须要有一台能看的电视
Yeah, well, it's just it's really important
that I have a working TV 'cause I'm a working TV writer.
－因为我是电视节目写手 －对，我听说了
- Yeah, I've heard. - Yeah.
对，我可以用笔电看
I would just watch on my laptop
但是又想减少看萤幕的时间
but I'm trying to cut down on my screen time.
电视也是萤幕
TV is a screen.
对，但电视是二级萤幕
Yeah, but it's a second-tier screen.
基本上跟看书没两样
It's basically like reading a book at this point.
Oh, also, I need more toothpaste.
而且我牙膏也不够了
Well, as you know, the free mini toothpaste
你也知道免费的迷你牙膏 是给饭店客人用的
is a guest privilege, and you are a... what, a resident?
你是‥是什么？ 驻场艺人吗？
对，那更惨
Yeah, and that's way sadder
所以更应该给我免费牙膏
which is why I deserve the free toothpaste.
就放在你身后，我都看到了
I mean, it's right behind you. I can see it.
－其实没有，但你回头了 －算你狠
Okay, it's not, but you looked...
- Good. - Which means you know
表示你知道就在附近
- it's nearby. - Yeah.
－对 －你可以帮我吗？
- Can you help me out? - Excuse me.
－请问一下 －请说
- Yeah? - Could I get a toothpaste?
可以给我一条牙膏吗？
你是不是要给她？
- Are you gonna give it to her? - No.
不是
Here you go.
－给你 －太感谢了
Thank you so much.
－给你 －谢了
- There you go. - Well, thanks.
－可恶 －小事
- God damn it. - No problem.
My God.
天哪
－祝你今晚顺心 －干得好
- Have a good one. - Good job.
－好 －我要休息了
All right.
Hey, I'm gonna take my break, all right?
你可以补充一句
Oh, and then I thought you could tag it with
"makes me miss my bunions."
＂害我开始想念拇趾囊肿＂
Oh, that's good.
这句好
Oh, great.
太好了
Well, it's a punchline.
－这是笑梗 －对
Yeah.
Oh, and you know how in the '70s you had that bit
你七十年代有个笑话 说你想用卫生棉条上吊
about hanging yourself with your tampon string?
Yeah, it was genius.
对，那是天才之作
Well, I was thinking we could update it.
我想可以跟上时事
说想用月亮杯把自己淹死
Maybe something about drowning yourself
in your Diva cup?
What's a Diva cup?
月亮杯是什么？
是个用矽胶做的杯子
Yeah, so it's, like, a... it's, like, a silicone cup
that you kinda fold up like a taco and...
可以像塔可饼一样折起来
然后塞进去
just pop in there.
严格说来不能放洗碗机 但我都还是丢进去洗
Technically, they're not dishwasher safe
but I toss 'em in there anyway.
提醒我千万别去你家吃饭
Remind me to never have dinner at your house.
No, my audience doesn't know
不行，我的观众 不知道月亮杯是什么
what a Diva cup is, and they don't want to.
他们也不想知道
我只是觉得我们不该
Okay, I just don't think we should be writing jokes
只为潘娜拉族群写笑话
for a bunch of "Panera people."
People who eat at Panera.
就是会吃潘娜拉的人
你这小屁孩
Oh, you little shit.
Just because they don't live in LA or New York
只因为他们不住在洛杉矶或纽约
不表示他们的幽默感比你低级
doesn't mean that what they think is funny
is any less valuable than what you think is funny.
It kinda does, though.
但真的是这样
I mean, have you seen some of the stuff
你有看过他们在网路上 买♥♥的东西吗？
these people buy on Etsy?
像是咖啡杯 上面写着＂里面装的是酒＂
It's all, like, coffee mugs
about how, "Actually, it's wine in there."
So you're telling me that if a lot of people think
你的意思是
大家觉得好笑的 其实不好笑
something is funny, it's not?
Kinda, yeah.
可以这么说，对
Oh, you're that girl who never got to sit with the cool kids
看来你学生时期 都没资格跟风云人物同桌吃饭
at the lunch table, and she just never got over it.
到现在还耿耿于怀
－我们都是边走边吃 －餐厅里还有很多其他人
- We had walk-away lunch. - Well, there's a whole lot
of other people in the cafeteria
and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be.
你越早学到这一点越好
- Deborah, the car's here. - Oh, great.
－黛博拉，车来了 －好极了
抱歉，我以为今天下午要工作
I'm sorry.
I thought we were working this afternoon.
我是在工作啊
I am working.
I'm gonna go work Marty into not cutting my dates.
我要去叫马提
不要减我的场次
我只是觉得我们应该专心写稿
Okay, I just think we should be concentrating on, like
the actual material.
Thanks for the tip.
多谢你的意见
好，明天见
All right, see you tomorrow.
是星期日 马可斯跟我要去静修
Actually, you'll see me Sunday. Marcus and I are going on a retreat.
Oh, while I'm gone, didn't you say
你不是也说想找机会 去把胡子处理一下
you wanted to get your mustache waxed?
No.
我没说过
Guess I just thought it.
大概是我想叫你去吧
黛博拉，拜托别对马提发飙
Deborah, please don't go nuclear with Marty.
我会很客气的
- I will play nice. - And you'll meet me
七点我们要跟塑身衣姐妹吃饭
at 7.00 for dinner with the Cincher sisters?
等等，要跟谁做什么？
Wait. The what with whom?
They're the sisters behind Cincher's, the shapewear brand.
她们是经营塑身衣的那对姐妹
－七点整吃晚饭 －好‥
- Dinner's at 7.00pm sharp. - Right.
I got it... Don't worry, Marcus.
别担心，马可斯
I got it all under control.
一切都在我的掌握之中
他很爱声频浴，对吧？
Well, he's into sound baths, right?
－送他一面锣 －他是日本人
- Get him a gong. - He's Japanese.
- So? - So it could be insulting.
－所以呢？ －送锣可能很不礼貌
他要跳槽去你的对手那里
He's leaving you to work for your competitor.
－不礼貌也是刚好 －你哦
- It should be insulting. - Oh, you.
Yeah, you're right.
－你说得对 －该谈正事了
Oh, time to get down to business.
What?
什么？
- What's this? - A Seurat, two Gerhard Richters
这是什么？
一幅秀拉，两幅瑞希特的画
一整组皮埃尔让那雷的椅子
a complete set of Pierre Jeanneret chairs.
总之是一大堆 全都在里面
The list goes on and on. It's all in there.
I must say, Ivy has impeccable taste.
我得说，艾薇的品味一流
She might be a keeper.
你可要留住她
但是用公♥款♥买♥♥自己的东西 应该是犯了大忌吧？
But paying for your assets through your corporation
isn't that a big no-no?
因为如果你个人财产净值 比申报的高
Because if your personal net worth is actually more
than what you claimed, couldn't your ex-wives
你的那些前妻应该可以 重谈赡养费金额吧？
renegotiate their alimony agreements?
Eh, what do I know? I'm just a washed-up comedian
我懂什么？
我不过是个对家庭法 了若指掌的过气谐星
with a firm grasp of family law.
- What do you want? - Well, as a woman
你想怎样？
身为女人我觉得有义务