吸血鬼生活

You need to let them know
你值得某一天被转化成吸血鬼
that you are worthy of being turned into a vampire someday.
-我们就是为此而来的 -说实话
- Which is why we're here. - To be honest,
我并不是很想当吸血鬼
I don't really care about being a vampire.
抱歉 你说什么
I'm sorry, what?
对 我当时特别惊讶
Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised
托佛竟然不想成为吸血鬼
that Topher does not want to be a vampire.
谁会不想当吸血鬼呢
Who doesn't want to be a vampire?
要是不当吸血鬼那还...
What are you doing if you don't...
-那你想当什么 -不知道
- What-what do you want to be? - I don't know.
比如当巫师
Maybe a warlock.
-应该挺酷的 -确实挺酷的
- That'd be cool. - That would be cool.
肯定比吸血鬼高级
That's, like, above vampire.
阿♥拉♥克祖姆
Alla-kazoom!
然后就爆♥炸♥了什么的
And it would explode or something.
他还在学习 他还在寻找自我
He's still learning. He's still finding himself.
他会想通的
He'll get there.
这些就像是钱
So, these are like money.
你去任何卖♥♥硬核苹果酒的店里
You go to any store that sells Doze Apples Hard Cider,
用现金买♥♥苹果酒 然后
pay for the cider with real money, but then,
把这个卡寄到后面写好的地址
you mail in this card to the address there on the back.
我在分发的时候
And I can explain this whole process
要解释这整个流程吗
as I'm handing these out?
对 有时候还得解释好几遍
Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once.
你如果想的话 现在就可以直接吸干我
You know, if you want, you can drain me right now.
我现在就像四个汽缸全开状态
I'm, like, firing on all four cylinders, you know?
想要多少有多少 我可以再产
You can crunch up as much as you want. I can make some more.
我很想 托佛
I-- Yeah, I want to, Topher,
但是吸干♥你♥很困难
but I'm having a pickle of a time draining you.
我知道 抱歉 鲁宾逊先生
I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.
我知道你是想让我无聊...
Like, I know you're trying to bore me--
稍等
Hang on.
请进
Come on in.
但是你告诉我的这些都太有意思了
The stuff that you tell me is just so interesting.
你懂吗
You know?
怪我咯
Sue me.
-是谁敲门 -我不知道
- Who was at the door? - I don't know.
简直了 托佛
Unbelievable. Topher?
托佛 是你让两个吸血鬼进了屋吗
Topher, did you happen to let two vampires into the house?
-等等 哥们 -听我说
- Hey, hang on, dawg. - Look,
你得守几条规矩
there's a couple rules you need to follow.
-我知道你才刚来 但是... -抱歉
- I know you're new, okay, but... - Sorry, just, uh,
我在跟之前的实习老板开会
conferencing with this guy I used to intern for,
一个很厉害的狼人 你可能也认识
this dope werewolf-- You might know him, actually.
首先 狼人不厉害 所以我肯定不认识
First of all, werewolves are not dope, so I wouldn't know him.
-这人挺厉害的 -不
- Uh, this guy's pretty dope. - No.
好了 我不想挑剔你 但是你要知道
Look, I don't mean to be hard on you, but it's important
为了大家的安全 你得遵守规矩
you follow the rules for everyone's safety.
还有就是 你得离鲤鱼池远点
Do me a favor and stay away from the koi pond.
好像加温器有点短路了
I think there's an electrical short from the heater,
所以你离远点
so just stay away from it...
有没有试过重启
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
行了 托佛 你别碰 好吗
No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay?
-电工周一会来修 -我每次这么做都奏效
- The electric guy's gonna be here on Monday. - Always works for me.
你别乱动
So just leave it alone...
托佛死了我很伤心
Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.
又死了一个亲信
Another familiar dead, you know?
但是 这行就是这样 我已经习惯了
But... that's the business. I'm used to it.
这很糟 对吗
That's bad, right?
死亡一视同仁
Death comes for us all.
蜜蜂会死
It comes for the bees.
树木会死
It comes for the trees.
基本任何零岁以上的事物都会死
It comes for, uh, basically anyone from zero on up,
一
so... one...
你在逗我吗
Are you kidding?
二 三 四
...two, three, four.
闭上你的嘴 柯林·鲁宾逊
Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson.
-我们的精神已经很脆弱了 -可能有
- We're weak enough as it is. - Perhaps there is
-一个专杀亲信的杀手在四处游荡 -啥
a familiar killer on the loose? - What?
我刚刚在想
Well, I was just thinking, you know,
如果有吸血鬼杀手的话
if there are vampire killers,
为什么不会有亲信杀手呢
then why not familiar killers, also?
根本没有吸血鬼杀手这回事 傻几把
There's no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord.
你说什么 吉尔莫
What was that, Guillermo?
我认为我们不妨
I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt
应该更谨慎一点的
to be more cautious and alert.
够了
Enough of this!
简直是扯淡 我们可是吸血鬼
This is horse piss. We are vampires.
托佛应该得到更好的待遇
We can do better than this for our Topher.
吉尔莫 把他挖出来
Guillermo, dig him up.
是
Yes.
请对埋着他的土尊重一点
Please be respectful of his mud.
死灵法师是指能复活死者的人
A necromancer is someone who can reanimate the dead.
这项技艺堪称黑魔法中的精粹
It's a truly fantastical part of the dark arts.
我正好有位名叫华♥莱♥士♥的老朋友
And I happen to have a very good old pal Wallace...
他精通死灵复生的技艺
...who is excellently proficient in the art of necromancy.
别吹了 他精通坑你还差不多
No, he's excellent, at the dark art of ripping you off.
这都是些奸诈小人
These people are shysters.
他们超喜欢推销
They're obsessed with the upsell.
我肯定他的小屋就在附近
I'm sure his hut is around here somewhere.
这是那些死灵法师的老套路了
It's a classic necromancer scam.
"来我的小屋找我" 什么狗屁小屋
"Meet me at my hut." What bloody hut?
就在这 我很确定
There it is. I'm certain of it.
看那帮脸色惨白面露绝望的可怜虫
Look at all those pale, desperate wretches
在月光下乱窜
scurrying around in the moonlight.
这是所表演学校
It's a performing arts school.
快看 高中编排的桑顿·怀尔德的
Hey, a high school production of Thornton Wilder's
《我们的城》 之后还有问答环节呢
Our Town with a Q and A afterwards.
我可要去看看了
Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
是你要找死灵法师吗
You seek the necromancer?
什么鬼
What the...?
正是本人
I am they.
你好啊 华♥莱♥士♥
Hello, Wallace!
大家快来
Come on, everyone!
-我炖了一锅菜 有谁饿了的话 -不
- I've got a lovely pot of stew if anyone's hungry. - No.
-看得出你喜欢我的器具 你喜欢哪件啊 -不
- I see you admiring my wares. Anything tickle your fancy? - No.
-嘘 -这些手镯能抵御邪恶之眼
- Hush. - These bracelets ward off the evil eye.
这件会吸引邪恶之眼
This one attracts the evil eye.
这件能让你的性♥爱♥更持久 对
And this one increases sexual stamina. Yeah.
你看起来那方面需要一点帮助
You could do with a leg up.
这些钥匙扣
And these are key chains
看着像车牌
that look like license plates.
听好了 我们对你的小把戏
Look, mister, we are not interested
和小玩意一点也不感兴趣
in your tricks and trinkets.
这个很适合送给叫史蒂夫的人
This one would make a cute gift for a man named Steve.
好好好 华♥莱♥士♥ 我们来这
Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace, what we are here for
是希望你能复活
is we were hoping you could reanimate
我们挚爱的亲信托佛
our beloved familiar Topher.
行 他去世多久了
Yes, uh, how long has he been dead?
这是吉尔莫
Oh, that is Guillermo.
他没死 不过有时我们觉得他还是死了好
He is not dead, although sometimes we wish he was.
开个小玩笑 吉尔莫
Just a little joke there, Guillermo,
我知道
I got it.
死尸在哪
All right, so, uh, where's the carcass?
对 吉尔莫 拿死尸去
Yes. Guillermo, fetch the carcass.
-什么 -死尸
- The what? - The carcass.
-死尸 -我去拿尸体
- The cadaver, man. - I'll go get the body.
什么
What was that?
我去拿死尸
I'll go get the carcass.
这就对了
Better.
你带了属于这个死者的个人物品吗