英村脑残故事（2017）

我不知道啊 我觉得我
...I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places,
我百分之一千地确信断了两个地方
but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as.
但我得等X光的结果出来
Yeah.
是啊
Well, I was just saying, it's like...
我刚刚才在说 这就像
...You know, gluing a breadstick back together after it's been in a blender.
用胶水把扔进搅拌机里的面包棍粘回到一起去
All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah?
好吧 你会帮我告诉大家的对吧
All right, cheers, mate.
好 再见
Oh, God. What?
天啊 啥
The vicar. What about him?
是牧师 他怎么了
He has lost his head. Why?
他昏了头了 为啥
You have to see this.
你得看看这个
He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!
他在骂交通管♥理♥员♥呢 操
He's having a breakdown. What?
他精神崩溃了 啥
I knew this day would come.
我知道会有这一天的
He has genuinely lost it.
他完全失去理智了
He has lost his mind!
他疯了
I'll tell you what that is. What?
我来告诉你这是什么 是什么
Horn rage. What's horn rage?
角怒 角怒是什么
If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis,
要是一个男的不能定期排掉点脏水
you get horn rage.
就会得角怒
Me and Kurt used to get it.
以前我和Kurt经常这样
We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home
我们常常在回家路上打碎车后视镜
after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled.
要是某个晚上我们没能交上好运
It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts.
对牧师来说就更糟了 因为他是个大疯子
The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness and light.
牧师啊 他会让你以为他人又好又快活
But in reality, he can really lose his shit.
但实际上 他说疯就疯
Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan to Burford Wildlife Park,
比方有次他载我和Kurtan去伯福德野生动物园
and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear and went,
Kurtan只是看着牧师的耳朵说
"Eugh, wax cave." Yeah, it was.
"呃 都是耳屎" 是啊
And the vicar was so furious,
牧师变得很生气
he literally picked up a road atlas and thwacked Kurtan with it.
他真的抓起一♥本♥道♥路地图就去打Kurtan
And Kurtan phoned the police.
然后Kurtan就报♥警♥了
It was assault. Mm.
这是殴打啊
Oh, are you joking me?
开什么玩笑
Don't whack it.
别敲了
Fuck, it's just taken my money.
操 它吞了我的钱
Fuck's sake!
操♥他♥妈♥的
I shouldn't even be here.
我就不该来这
I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve.
我应该在TK Maxx买♥♥我应得的特♥价♥商品
Oh, why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway?
你为什么对TK Maxx如此着迷呢
Cos unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster.
因为不像你 Kerry 我不是个时尚灾难
I'm not a fashion disaster.
我不是时尚灾难
You are! Am not.
你就是 我不是
Everyone thinks you are.
大家都觉得你是
You know, would it kill you for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt?
为了世界杯 你买♥♥件正宗英国队服会死吗
This IS an official England shirt.
这就是件正宗英国队服啊
No! No.
不 不
Kerry, how many lions are on the shirt?
Kerry 你的队服上有几头狮子
Four.
四头
Yeah, and what's the famous song called,
那么那首有名的歌♥叫什么
about having lions on your shirt?
队服上有狮子的那首歌♥

指1996年The Lightening Seeds为英国队参加欧冠赛而写的
Three Lions On A Shirt. Thank you.
<队服上的三头狮子> 多谢
Kerry ain't into fashion, as you can tell.
Kerry一点都不潮 你能看出来
You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look.
我会在外表的管理上花很多心思
She looks like an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory.
她看起来就像盗版服装厂的爆♥炸♥现场
Right, if you want to wait for a minute... Oh, shit.
好的 如果你愿意等一等的话 妈的
What? Fuck, it's my ex.
什么 妈的 我前任在这
Oh, fuck. Did she see me?
妈的 她有没看到我
I don't know. I don't think she did, no.
不知道 我不觉得她看到了 没有
She's going to want to get back with me as well.
她肯定也想找我复合
That is so embarrassing.
真的是尴尬
Fuck.
妈的
What's she doing? Who's that?
她在干什么 那个是谁
That's her... What the f...?
那人是她的 他妈的搞什么
That's her boyfriend. No!
那人是她男朋友 不是
That is. He just kissed her.
分明就是 他刚刚亲了她
He did! I cannot believe that.
他亲了 我不相信
Can't believe that. What?
我不相信 怎么了
No, it's... I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.
没怎么 就是 我尸骨未寒 她就已经给抬棺人吹♥箫♥了
You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you?
反正你也不想和她复合 不是吗
No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point.
不想 我才不想和她复合 但这不是重点
The point is she's moved on so fast. It's only been five weeks.
重点是 她这么快就向前看了 毕竟分手才五个星期啊
You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor,
我花了十年才忘掉Kirsty Taylor
and I only went out with her for half a day.
而且我跟那位才谈了半天恋爱
The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was
Kurtan和Kirsty Taylor的问题
it was a case of right person, wrong time.
属于"对的人错的时间"的情况
Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart,
Kurtan准备定下来 献出全部真心
but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs,
但是Kirsty正在准备考SATs
and she had her cycling proficiency coming up.
而且她的单车骑行执照考试也快来了
So her head was all over the shop.
所以她有一大堆乱七八糟的事情要忙活
Oh! I cannot believe that.
哦 简直难以置信
What?
什么
Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook
Soph和她的新男友在我们还在一起的时候
when I was still going out with her.
就在Facebook上加好友了
That is...
这真是
That tells you everything, doesn't it?
这说明了一切 是吧
The guy was trying to worm his way in from then.
他那个时候就想要插足了
Shit. What a...
妈的 这真是个
What a snake in the grass.
这真是个躲在暗处的小人
That is F...
真是日了
I swear to God, if I see him here again,
我对上天发誓 如果让我在这儿再看到他
I swear to God I will have no hesitation in just going up to him,
我对上天发誓 我会毫不犹豫 直接冲上去
and just planting one on his face.
直接冲他脸上一撞
I will, honestly. I will tear his head off. Yeah.
我会的 说真的 我会把他的头拧下来 嗯
Don't even care. Don't care at all.
根本不怕 一点都不怕
Excuse me.
不好意思
What?
什么
Could you keep it down, please?
麻烦 你能小点声吗
Sorry, do you work here? No.
对不起 你在这里工作吗 不是
Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah?
是吗 那你就别瞎管闲事 好吗
Nosey old cock womble.
多管闲事的老东西 满嘴喷屎的傻子
She's absolutely livid. Kerry Mucklowe.
她绝对被惹毛了 Kerry Mucklowe
Yes. Hi, Kerry. We're going to take you down for an Xray now.
在 嗨 Kerry 现在我们要带你去做X光检查
OK. All right, take your time.
好的 没事 慢慢来
Ok.
好的
I'll give you a hand. Up you come.
我来帮你 站起来了
Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.
你当然站得起来 Kerry 快点啊
Take your time.
慢慢来
Oi, Kurtan. All right, Mand?
喂 Kurtan 怎么了 Mand
You being rude to my mum?
你是不是骂我妈了
The problem with living in a village like this is
生活在这样的村子里 有个问题就是
that you're always bumping into the local nut jobs.
你经常能碰到当地的疯子
No-one knows where they stand with Mandy,
谁也不知道Mandy是怎么看待自己的
because she is so unpredictable.
因为她让人摸不着头脑
You've been rude to my mum. No.
你刚刚骂了我妈 没有
Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she? No.
哦 那我妈妈是骗子咯 不是
So you HAVE been rude to my mum? Yeah... No.
所以你确实骂了我妈 是 不是
Oh, is this...? Is this about keeping it down?
哦 你说的是 你说的是"小声点"那件事吗
Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there.
没错 她在外面哭得眼睛都肿了
So I ain't leaving here
所以我不打算走
until you tell me word by word what you just said to my mum.
直到你把刚才对我妈说的话一个词一个词地告诉我
I was just chatting. Yeah?
我刚刚只是在聊天 是吗
Quietly. She said you was chatting loudly.
小声地 她说你在大声喧哗
Well, could have been, I suppose.
呃 可能因为 我觉得
OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly?
那到底是怎样 很小声 还是很大声
Loudly. Go on.
很大声 继续
And then I...
然后我
I just said, "Oh, sorry, do you work here?"
我就说"哦 对不起 你在这里工作吗"
Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses.