英村脑残故事（2017）

"And my trousers fall down,"
"我的裤子掉落"
"And you laugh at my genitals."
"然后你嘲笑我的生殖器"
Threatening, innit?
威胁啊 不是吗
Yeah.
是的
That's... They want to beat me up, don't they?
那是 他们想揍我一顿 是吧
Yeah...
嗯
I wouldn't say...
我说不准
It's sort of...
有点像
They... They want... you to beat them up...
他们 他们想让你去揍他们
..But I don't think they're beating you up.
我不认为他们会来揍你
Oh, really?
哦 是吗
That's all right, then.
这样的话 那还好一点
No. No, because...
不 不 因为
Because they're getting, like, a...A thing out of it.
因为他们能从中得到一种东西
What? What sort of thing out of it?
什么 能从中得到哪种东西
Like... Well...
比如说 呃
Like...
像是
A sexual thing.
一件性事
This really is not a good situation for me.
这真不是个对我有利的情况
A physical threat is something that I can deal with,
对于人身威胁 我是能解决的
but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.
但是性事不是我的专业领域
Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies. Go.
好了 把你们的蛋糕拿出来吧 你们这两个娘娘腔 来吧
What you got today, Dan?
你今天带了什么 Dan
Victoria sponge, mate. Classic. Oh, ho, ho! Lovely.
果酱夹层蛋糕 经典好东西 哦 真棒
Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all.
哦 Dan 这还真的挺不错
Especially after your Battenberg disaster. Cheers, Martin.
特别是在巴腾堡蛋糕灾难之后 谢谢 Martin
Right, Kurst, what's your offering today?
对了 Kurst 你今天带了什么
Well...
呃
There she is, in all her glory.
她在这里 带着无上荣光
Lemon drizzle. What's this?
柠香蛋糕 这是什么
Is that shop-bought?
从店里买♥♥的吗
Yeah.
是的
Sorry.
对不起
Look, I...
听着 我
I did try and bake one myself, I did,
我尝试了 也自己烤了一个 真的
but I just can't do it. I can't bake.
可我就是做不到啊 我不会烘培
Listen.
听着
No baker gets it right the first time.
没有哪个烘培师♥傅♥第一次就能学会
That is the beauty of baking.
这就是烘培之美啊
It's trial and error.
在试验与挫折中成长
Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge
你觉得Dan现在能做出这么精致的果酱夹层蛋糕
without fucking up his Battenberg?
不是因为他之前做毁过巴腾堡蛋糕吗
No. No way.
不可能 绝对不可能
I mean, even the great Mr Kipling
就算是那么厉害的吉卜林先生
would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right?
也会承认他做毁了他的第一对贝克维尔挞 对吧
Yeah, I suppose he would.
是的 我觉得他会的
You need to get some more confidence, Kurst.
你得自信一点 Kurst
Yeah. Yeah.
没错 是的
Well, do you know what? I think...
你猜怎么着 我想
I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time.
我想我下次会放手一试
I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know?
我真的会 我太感谢你们了 真的
That's the right attitude. Yeah?
这才是正确的态度 是吗
But remember, you've got to do the forfeit. Oh, yeah.
但记着你还是要受罚的 是的
Well, what do you mean?
好吧 什么意思
Well, you brought in a shop-bought,
你带了一个店里买♥♥的蛋糕
so you got to do a forfeit, mate.
所以你得受惩罚 朋友
That's the rules. What forfeit?
这是规定 什么惩罚
Er...
呃
Slap that drink out that woman's hand. Yeah, go on, Kursty,
打翻那个女人手里的饮料 没错 去吧 Kursty
that'll redeem you. No, that's Slugs, I know him.
你做了我们就饶了你 不行 那是Slugs 我认识他
Yeah, but so what?
行吧 那又如何
It's just, I...
我只是
He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer.
他日子过的不容易 他得了癌症
Oh, grow a pair, Kurst.
噢 别怂 Kurst
He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he?
他不会去做的 Martin 他是个怂逼 是吧
No, I ain't a fanny. I just...
不是 我才不怂 我只是
Oh, fuck...
噢 操
All right, Kurtan?
你好啊 Kurtan
All right, Slugs, mate?
你好 Slugs 伙计
All right, mate, how's it going?
伙计 最近过得如何
It's not good.
不怎么样
Really? What's wrong?
真的吗 怎么了
Just really low, mate.
就是情绪很低落 朋友
Why?
为什么
Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages
我刚刚发现Kayleigh一直在脸书上
to other guys on Facebook.
和别的男的发信息
Shit.
靠
Wh-What sort of messages?
哪种信息
Sexual, mostly.
大部分是色情的
Oh, God.
噢 天呐
So sorry to hear that, mate.
真的很同情你 朋友
Thanks.
谢谢
She said she doesn't know what she wants. Yeah
她说她不知道自己想要什么 是吧
I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out. Mmhm.
我要过去看看我能不能把事情解决了 嗯
Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate.
事情总会 总会自己解决的 朋友
It's... It always... Yeah. I hope so.
事情总会 是啊 希望如此吧
Just really fucked in the head, mate. Yeah.
脑子里真的很乱 朋友 我懂的
I don't know what to do. Yeah.
我不知道要怎么办了 我懂
That was good.
这招很厉害
Oh, nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate.
噢 这招很不错 Kurtan 真的很不错 朋友
It's all right, it's all right. It's all right.
没关系 没关系 没关系
Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time at my house
好吧 Mandy非常善良地主动愿意呆在我家一段时间
for protection and that.
为了保护我之类的
She reckons it could be quite serious,
她意识到这件事的严肃性
and it could be very dangerous.
以及危险性
Isn't that right? Yeah.
是吧 是的
Yeah, the reason I have offered to protect Kerry
是的 我之所以主动愿意保护Kerry
is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before,
是因为我之前也经历过完全相同的情况
cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and...
我之前是个跟踪狂 大概跟踪了三到四年
It got really bad at one point,
事情到了一定时候变得非常棘手
cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk
因为他们要开演<杰克与魔豆>
at the Everyman Theatre...
就在人群戏剧院那
..I broke into their dressing room and just...
我闯进了更衣室 然后就
..I stole all their shoes and that.
我偷了他们所有鞋子
Police got involved.
警方介入了
I thought you were stalked on.
我以为你是被跟踪的
No, I was the stalker.
不是 我是那个跟踪的人
Oh.
噢
Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me,
是的 因为我越爱他们 他们就越抵触我
the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?
他们越抵触我 我就越想杀了他们 你懂吗
That's just love, I suppose.
大概这就是爱吧 我想
Cheers, John.
谢谢 John
Shut up!
太扯淡了
Fuckin' hell!
这他妈的
Jesus.
我日
Fuckin' hell!
卧♥槽♥
What did Sandra say? Did she found out?
Sandra怎么说 她发现了吗
Oh, fucking hell, really, though?
噢 卧♥槽♥ 真的假的
Right.
好吧
You lied to me, Mick.
你骗了我 Mick
I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here.
我没办法早点告诉你 因为你那时候不在
I asked you.
我问了你
I asked you if you'd told me everything.
我问你有没有对我坦白一切
You kissed her twice, Mick.
你吻了她两次 Mick
I know.
我知道
You not going to go home, do you think?
你不是要回家 对吧
No. No...?
不是 不是吗
I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I?
我不能在我家远距离保护你吧 是吧
I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight.
我今天晚上不会有事的 绝对没事
You say that.
你就只能说说而已