英村脑残故事（2017）

Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad,
Martin以前和他老爸玩飞镖的
and he basically sees Luke like a son. OK.
所以他视Luke如己出 哦
So, if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me,
如果以后你再想讲什么笑话 先来告诉我
and I'll pass them on to Martin,
我会讲给Martin听
and let you know if you find some funny or not, all right?
然后我会来告诉你到底好笑不好笑 知道不
Yeah. That's fine.
好 知道了
Cheers, Dan.
谢了 Dan
A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick,
一顶坚硬的帽子或许能保护你不被砖头砸伤
but it will not protect you from banter.
但它无法抚平你被取笑的苦痛
You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart.
你不需要坚硬的帽子 你需要坚强的内心
Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?
要喝杯茶吗 Kurst
Oh, I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate.
噢 巴不得来一杯 谢了 Dan
Where's your mug, then?
那你的杯子呢
Oh, shit.
哦 妈的
I left it in the van.
我忘在车里了
Emm...
嗯
Sweep that up, Kurst.
扫掉它 Kurst
Yep.
好
Sort it out, Kursty.
清理干净 Kursty
Got another letter today,
今天又收到了一封信
and I think it's the worst of the lot.
我估计是最恶劣的一封
I'm no closer to finding out who it is, either.
这人是谁 我也毫无头绪
It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door,
挺吓人的 这些信从我家投信口塞进来
which means they probably know where I live.
这意味着他们可能知道我住哪
Oh, all right, Mand?
哦 你好吗 Mand
All right, Ker?
你好吗 Ker
Yeah, just thought I'd let you know,
挺好的 只是觉得要告诉你一下
I've got the baby Oleg, now,
现在 我已经弄到了Oleg宝宝
from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home,
原主是个无烟无宠物的家庭
so, the set's complete,
所以 一套玩偶已经凑齐了
if you want to come round and have a look at 'em,
如果你想过来看一看他们
cos I remember you saying how much you like the set, didn't you?
因为我记得你说过你有多喜欢那一套玩偶 不是吗
Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand.
哦 好的 谢谢 Mand
You all right? Yeah.
你还好吗 嗯
What's the matter with your face?
你脸色怎么那样
Have you gone off Compare The Meerkats.Com, or what?
你已经不喜欢"狐獴对比网"了吗 还是什么的
No, I ain't gone off Compare The Meerkats.Com, I just...
不是 我没有讨厌"狐獴对比网" 我只是
I should hope not. I've come all the way over here,
我也希望不是 我走了那么远来这儿
cos you said about the baby Oleg,
因为你提到过Oleg宝宝
and I thought you was interested.
然后我觉得你挺感兴趣
Yeah, no, I am, I am really interested in Oleg. Right.
是的 不 我真的对Oleg很感兴趣 是吧
What's the matter, then?
还有什么问题吗
"Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you."
"亲爱的Kerry 我无法停止对你的幻想"
"My latest was the best."
"我最新一个幻想场景是目前最棒的"
"I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me"
"我正在清理我的小柴房♥ 你走进来跟我说"
"You want to sand down a chair leg,"
"你想用磨砂纸打磨一只椅子腿"
"So you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe."
"于是把我的嘴当成老虎钳 警告我不要呼吸"
"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive,"
"我为了生存不自觉呼吸了起来"
"And you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am."
"然后你对着我的肺就是一拳 还告诉我我有多可悲"
The sick, sick bastard.
这个恶心的混♥蛋♥
It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand.
我只是 我不知道该怎么办 Mand
It's all right, I'll help you.
没事的 我来帮你
We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up.
我们会把他揪出来 然后弄死他
You'll be safe with me, Ker.
你和我在一起会很安全 Ker
Oh, cheers, Mand.
哦 谢谢 Mand
That's all right, that's what I do.
不客气 我就是这么仗义
Oh, dear! Oh, God...
哦 妈呀 哦 天啊
Oh, no...
哦 不
Ok...
好的
Oh, dear.
哦 妈呀
Oh, God. Oh, God.
哦 天啊 哦 天啊
No, no...
不 不
No.
不
No, that's bad.
不 这样不好
Ooh...
哦
And...
然后
..Out it goes.
它出来了
That's it.
可以了
Just like that.
就像这样
Right. Next load.
好的 下一车
Just a quick question, Kursty. Yes.
就问一个小问题 Kursty 什么
Are you going to do it like that every time?
你每一次都会这样吗
II shouldn't think so, no. Right.
我不这么觉得 不会 好的
Ok.
好的
Look at this.
看看这个
Whoa.
哇
I never leave the house without a pair of these.
我从未试过出门不带这对东西
"Why?" You ask.
"为什么"你会问
Well, this is why.
这就是为什么
That's...
这真是
..Really good. See that?
太厉害了 看见没
Pure martial arts.
纯武术
Yah! Like that. Yeah.
呀 像这样 嗯
Do a defence, or...
用来自卫 或者
..You can do a punching...
你可以用来揍人
"Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..."
"嗯 随便啦 就这样 兄弟 嗯"
Yeah. Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range.
嗯 呀 像这样 别怕 我有分寸
Yeah. I've got me range.
嗯 我有分寸
Now, what am I going to do now? Defence, or punch? I don't know.
我现在要干嘛 自卫 还是揍人 我不知道
We don't know, we don't know. It's a punch!
我们不知道 我们不知道 要揍人
And I can get quite close to you.
而且我能离你特别近
Yes.
好的
Yeah.
好的
I ain't struggling. No.
我不辛苦 真的
I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day...
我犯了一些错误 对 但今天是第一天啊
See you tomorrow.
明天见
..And the relentless windups don't help, either,
不停地开玩笑也没用
cos Martin and Dan,
因为Martin和Dan
they had me looking for tartan paint for about 45 minutes today.
他们今天让我找格纹油漆找了大概45分钟
I should've known, after the tartan paint,
我早该知道的 在格纹油漆之后
that he was having me on,
他在捉弄我
cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint.
因为我又花了20分钟找条纹油漆
It took me half an hour to work out that...it's the same joke.
我花了半小时弄那个 是一样的套路
Oh, for fuck's sake!
哦 他妈的老天爷
I can't present that tomorrow.
我明天不能把这个拿过去
Oh... They'll annihilate me. That is sunken as hell.
哦 他们肯定会杀了我的 这玩意儿塌得不成样了
You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker.
你只管把它吃了吧 Ker
Nah, you're all right.
不了 我没关系
Look, if you want the ganache, you'll have to frost it yourself.
听着 如果你想吃巧克力甘纳许 你就得要自己撒糖霜
The mix is in the bowl...
混合配料在碗里
But I ain't doing it for you, all right?
但是我不会帮你做的 好吗
Nah, I'm just not hungry.
不了 我不太饿
What? What
什么 什么
What's wrong? Nothing.
怎么了 没事
You're off your food, and that worries me greatly.
你居然没胃口 这让我很担心你啊
"Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village."
"亲爱的Kerry 我在村子里经常看到你"
"I have been having intense fantasies about you"
"我强烈地幻想着你"
"That I feel I must share with you."
"我觉得必须要和你分享"
"My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt."
"我的梦想是你穿着斯文登衬衫向我走来"
"You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty"
"你过来修我家洗衣机 你浑身都汗湿了"
"Cos you have been playing football in the park."
"因为你在公园里踢足球来着"
"You smell of BO..."
"你散发着狐臭"
"..But I don't mind."
"但我不介意"
"You are so strong, your hands are like spanners."
"你强壮无比 你的双手如同一副扳手"
"You lift me above your head"
"你把我举过头顶"
"And throw me to the other side of the room,"
"然后把我扔到房♥间另一边"
"And smash me against the wall."
"把我往墙上砸"
"We arm wrestle, and when you beat me,"
"我们掰手腕 你赢了我后"
"you tell me how pathetic I am."
"你告诉我我有多可悲"
"I give you my belt to whip me with,"
"我给你皮带抽我"