鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

听着 我 我也不知道该怎么办了
Listen, I... I don't know what I'm doing here, man.
我只是想让你俩重归于好
I'm just trying to get you guys back together.
我的意思是
I mean...
我有老婆 我家车♥库♥有点儿
I had a wife and my garage kinda...
噢
Oh!
他和你说了Jeanette的事
Oh, he told you about Jeanette.
没没 - 还有那个狗屁
No, no, I didn't... - And the shit with my, uh,
墨西哥瓷砖 - 哦
with the Mexican tiles! - Oh.
他们居然用墨西哥瓷砖装♥修♥我的车♥库♥
Yeah, they sent me Mexican tiles for a garage!
噢 这家伙药吃多了
Oh, him with his pill problem!
绝对的
Oh, yeah.
他怎么跟你说的
What did he tell you?
你药吃多了
You got a pill problem.
放屁
Fuck!
说
All right.
他有没有告诉你
What did he tell you about the
我上大学那会儿干柴烈火的同性恋体验
full-on homosexual experience I had in college?
没
Nothing, man.
好吧 听着 我爱死基佬了
All right, listen, I like gay people.
他说什么 - 哦
What did he say... - Oh...
你个婊♥子♥ - 你才婊♥子♥
Oh, you son of a bitch! - Oh, yeah.
你婊♥子♥ - 开始了
Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, here we go.
等等等等 你们在干嘛
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
日了狗了 这啥玩意儿啊
Come on, guys, what is this?
喂喂喂喂喂
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
大哥们 都冷静点
Jeez, come on, take it easy.
淡定 淡定
Easy, easy.
我天
Jesus.
全怪我 行了吧
This is all my fault, all right?
我就是想装出很难被逼供的样子
I was just playing, you know, hard to question, huh?
想让你们全身心投入到逼供中去
I was making you guys work for it, huh?
但你们现在都
Now you're all...
逗我吗
Come on.
你们是小伙伴 朋友一生一起走
You guys are partners, you gotta come together, you know?
嘿 是谁要戒药来着
Hey, who's gonna get off those pills, huh?
嗯 对 让我听到声音
Yeah, I think so, let me hear it.
我要戒药 - 这就对了
I'm gonna quit the pills. - Yes.
不错不错
Okay, good. Good.
是谁要再邀请谁去婚礼来着
And who's gonna re-invite who to whose wedding?
我啦 我啦
I will, I will.
大声点让他听到
Let him hear it.
我能不能 再邀请你来参加我的婚礼呢
Can I invite you to... back to my wedding?
来吧 - 可以 当然
Come on. - Yes, of course.
这还差不多
All right.
现在 我想让你俩
All right, I want you guys to
冰释前嫌 深情地看着对方 行不
shake on it and look each other in the eyes, okay?
这就对了 很好 感觉不赖吧
There it is. All right. Feels good, doesn't it?
好了 我觉得我的任务完成了
Okay. I think I'm done here, guys.
多谢 保重
Thank you, take care.
你有没有
Did you...
告诉他我大学时候干柴烈火的同性恋经历
tell him about my full-on homosexual experience in college?
还没 你想让我说的话我就去找他
No, you want me to? I'll go find him.
算了算了 之后我自己跟他说吧
No. No, I'll do it later.
别介 我很乐意告诉他呀 - 嘿嘿嘿 打扰了
No, I'd be happy to. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry.
我忘说了
Sorry, I forgot.
那啥 Valentino藏在第三大道和阿什兰德路的交界处
Uh, Valentino's hideout is Third and Ashland.
我这烂记性 - 知道了 写下来
Boner! - Okay, just write it down.
交给警长
Give it to the Sergeant.
我贴在冰箱上 - 行
I'll leave it on the fridge. - Okay.
这是Valentino帮派被逮捕的现场
This was the scene where Valentino's gang was busted
多亏了一名贴心的罪犯
on a tip from a thoughtful
他被控违反法律
criminal who was guilty of breaking laws
和维护友谊
and mending friendships.
现在为您播报趣闻
And now, in interesting news,
摇滚乐队披头士
an extra member of the rock group the Beatles,
鲜为人知的第五位成员 今天去世了
unknown until now, was found dead today.
Gordie Mclntosh其人
The body of Gordie Mclntosh,
曾在披头士所有的专辑和照片里露面
who appeared on every Beatles album and in every photo,
但人们很少见过或听说过他
but was hard to see or hear,
被发现死在他英格兰萨里郡的家中
was found dead of natural causes,
死因为自然死亡
on his estate in Surrey, England.
粉丝的反应千差万别
Fans reacted with mixed response.
这也太
It's just...
我是披头士的超级粉丝
I'm a huge Beatles fan.
我简直不能相信
Um, I can't believe...
我才刚听说Gordie Mclntosh 他就死了
that I just heard about him and he's already dead.
太不公平了
It's not fair.
我爱死他了
I loved him.
他总是躲着聚光灯
He avoided the limelight,
淡泊名利 无私奉献
never wanted to be celebrated,
不愿成为披头士里其他人的负担
or be a bother to the other Beatles.
真的是个非常非常棒的第五人
Just a great, great extra Beatle.
这他妈都什么鬼
I don't know what the fuss is all about!
他就是个多余的人 对吧 啥
Why, he was totally extra, right? What?
我这辈子从没听过这么扯淡的事 啥
I never heard such nonsense in my life. What?
他根本无关紧要 死得好
He was totally unnecessary and good riddance!
天妒英才啊
It's a great loss.
本来就只剩两位披头士成员了 如今
And with only two Beatles left, and now...
连Gordie也走了 就真的只剩两个披头士了
... losing Gordie, there's really only two Beatles left.
你♥他♥妈♥催什么催
What the fuck is your problem?
操♥你♥大♥爷♥ 我♥操♥
Fuck you! Fuck. God...
你这样想 假如你有
I mean, try it this way, if you had a...
第三条隐形的胳膊
an invisible third arm...
然后它废了
that was paralyzed...
你会怀念它吗
would you miss it?
如果你失去了那条胳膊 你会怀念它吗
If you lost that arm, would you miss it?
要真是看不见又不能用的胳膊
Would you even know that you were missing it
你怎么知道你怀不怀念它
if it was indeed invisible and paralyzed?
懒得跟你扯什么生理学
Don't want to get all physiological on you,
但是 呃 说说心理学呗
but, uh, how about psychological?
塞万提斯的<堂吉诃德>
In, uh, Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote...
第136页里说
page 136...
从英语传统
from the English language tradition...
翻译角度来说 呃
translation, rather, um...
堂吉诃德是在和一个真实存在的敌人斗争
Don Quixote is fighting against a real enemy.
不过在别人眼里 那只是个风车
To anyone else, it's, uh, windmills.
他一直在对着风车戳啊戳的
He's just literally tilting at, uh, windmills,
从而我们得出了那句老话
that's where we get that expression from.
真亦或假 这张专辑是真货吗
Real or not, is that record real?
听听看就知道真还是假了
Don't know, you might have to listen to it to find out.
哇 怎么说 是真货 那就行
Ooh, what's up, Real? Okay.
拉丁音乐勉强算真实吧
Latin music is... kind of real.
还是假的呢 你也搞不清
Or is it? You don't know.
植物 人工的还是真的 我们也搞不清
Plant, artificial or real? We don't know.
现实 伪现实
Reality, un-reality.
存在 不存在
What is here, what is not here.
所见 所不见 全都搞不清
What can be seen, and what can't be seen, you don't know.
谁能弄清♥真♥实和虚假
Who's gonna know what's real or not real?
没人
No one knows.
Gordie Mclntosh 披头士第五人 今天去世 享年72岁
Gordie Mclntosh, extra Beatle, dead today at 72.
他家人请求大家
The family asked that nobody
不要往任何地方寄任何东西以缅怀他的生平
send nothing nowhere in memory of his life's work.
您现在收看的是多余新闻 全是无关紧要的新闻
You're watching the ExtraNews, more news than is necessary,
下面为您播放娱乐头条
and now to entertainment.
距奥斯卡颁奖只有十个半月了
The Oscars are only ten and a half months away
人们已经兴奋起来了
and the excitement is building.
这位是我们的奥斯卡专家 Chip Tinkley Chip交给你了
Here's our Oscar maven, Chip Tinkley. Chip?
大家猴
Hey-ho, all,
距离辉煌夜晚只剩27848962秒了
only 27,848,962 seconds to go until the big night.
我的晚礼服在洗衣店洗着 开胃菜在冰箱里藏着
My tuxedo's at the cleaners, canapes are in the fridge,