鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

嗯 每年这个时候
Yeah, well, I tend to get
我都会有点忧郁
a little morose around this time of year.
当年就是这个时候 我妈她
It's around this time that my mom...
把我抛弃了给别人养
gave me up for adoption.
我才7岁
I was seven.
哇哦 那也太
Wow, that's...
你肯定很想她吧
I bet you miss her.
才没有 我恨死她了
No! I hate her.
像我这么完美的小孩儿
I was a perfect kid...
她居然不要
and she didn't want me.
去她丫的 她就是个贱逼
Fuck her! She's a cunt!
稍安勿躁 - 不 她就是这么个贱逼
Whoa! - No! That's what she is, a cunt.
说出来真爽 我是真觉得她是贱逼
Feels good to say. I mean it, too.
她
She...
真的假的
Really?
别骗我
Don't fuck with me.
我这辈子都在幻想这个场景
I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life.
转身
Turn around.
妈咪
Mommy!
对不起 我不该叫你贱逼的
I'm sorry I called you a cunt.
不用道歉 重逢全靠它
Oh, don't be. It brought us together.
是的呢
Yeah...
全靠它
it did!
Ted Bletchley吗 祖国需要你
Ted Bletchley? Your country needs you.
走失儿童 你想让我做什么
A missing kid. What do you want me to do?
叫她贱逼
Call her a cunt.
叫那个小姑娘吗 她没对我做什么啊
That little girl? She didn't do anything to me.
她父母来了
Her parents are here.
他们知道你的能力
They've seen what you can do.
求你了 Ted 带她回来
Please, Ted. Bring her back.
你是我们唯一的希望了
You're our only hope.
我不 - 快说 叫她贱那啥
Uh, I don't... - Say it! Call her the C-word.
好吧 但也不一定 - 这个词很强有力 Ted
Well, it doesn't really... - It's a powerful word, Ted.
Ted 求你了
Ted, please!
臭贱逼 - 太好了
Fucking cunt! - Yes!
谢谢你 Ted - 接着骂
Thank you, Ted. - Lay into her.
再骂啊 Ted 求求你
More, Ted. Please.
不敢相信那小贱逼居然跑了
I can't believe the little cunt ran away.
对 狠狠地骂她 - 都骂给她 快骂
Yeah! Lay it on harder. - Give it to her! Come on.
别再忍♥了
Stop holding back.
那贱逼该速度滚回她的贱逼镇
That cunt can take a flying fuck back to Cuntville.
说得好 - 啊 Mary
Yes! - Oh, Mary!
Mary
Mary?
我成功了
I did it!
太好了 来吧
Good. Come on.
结束了吗 大佬 - 我倒是想
Okay, are we done here, Cochise? - I wish.
这人是重大恐怖组织的头目
He's the head of a major terrorist organization.
听着 我不参政的
Yeah, look, I'm not really a political guy.
这家伙杀了
This guy is responsible for
数百名美国士兵
the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers.
你绝对能说他是贱逼
Surely, you can call him a cunt.
喂 不用你告诉我该怎么做
Hey! You don't tell me my job!
我不知这份力量从何而来
I don't know why I've been given this power.
我只是个普通不起眼的蠢货
I'm just a regular, run-of-the-mill douchebag.
不知上帝为何赐予我这份殊荣
I don't know why... God has chosen to give me this gift.
他是素食主义者 - 你个吃素的贱逼 操♥你♥妈♥
He's a vegan. - You fucking vegan cunt, motherfucker!
谁他妈要你来告诉我该吃什么不该吃什么
Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can't eat?
你个假正经的狗屎
You moralistic piece of shit.
我还没说完 给我听着
Oh, I ain't done. Uh-uh!
你到底哪儿来的优越感
Where do you get your moral superiority from anyway?
哼 你知道我要做什么吗
Uh-uh. No, you know what I'm gonna do?
我要让你滚回
I'm gonna get you back in...
现代高山滑雪运动纪录不断刷新
Modern downhill skiing has seen records fall continuously
运动员们各个毫秒必争
as athletes strive to shave off milliseconds from their runs.
但早在1942年瑞士伯尔尼举办的冬奥会上
But in 1942 at the Winter Olympics in Berne, Switzerland,
Waif Nichelson当时
Waif Nickelson shocked the
以3分2.3秒的成绩
skiing world when he posted a then record
震惊整个滑雪届
of three minutes and 2.3 seconds in the downhill,
甩了以前的纪录几条街
cutting days off the previous record.
事实上 他那么快就滑到了终点
In fact, he came in so early
以至于没有人做好了迎接他的准备
that literally no one was expecting his arrival yet.
抵达终点的是Waif Nickelson
And coming down the finish line is Waif Nickelson!
难以置信 他居然做到了
I can't believe he's done it.
什么鬼 - 他打破了世界纪录
What the hell is that? - He's beat the world record.
是个滑雪的
That's a skier.
你们刚刚见证了体育的历史 - 快来
You've just witnessed sports history. - Come on.
哇哦 Waif Nickelson 滑得太棒了
Wow! Waif Nickelson, what a run!
你比以前的纪录快了
You shattered the previous world record by,
多少来着 九天吗 你怎么做到的
what is it, nine days? How'd you do it?
嘛 我就顺着山坡一直滑
Well, I was skiing all the way down the hill
就滑下来了
and here I am.
你有没有什么
And did you have any particular
获胜的特殊技巧
strategy that led you to this triumphant win?
主要吧 就是我没停
Mainly, sir, I, uh, I just didn't stop.
我就顺着山坡一直滑
I just kept skiing all the way down the hill.
看来你是真心想夺金啊
So, you really wanted that gold medal, huh?
也没有 我根本不在乎奖牌
No, sir, I don't care about medals.
我就想赶紧滑完算了
I just wanted to get the skiing part over with.
我不喜欢滑雪
You know, I don't like skiing. It's...
滑雪又冷又湿 简直是折磨 真的
It's cold and it's wet. It's kind of a miserable chore, really.
当然 世人都知道
Of course it is. Everyone knows that.
所以其他的参赛选手还在上面休息
That's why the other racers are still up there, taking breaks.
是的 丹麦选手
Yes, sir. The, uh, fella from Denmark
还给大家做了丹麦小饼干
is making homemade Gurshwitz for everyone else.
我就想 我宁愿
I just... I'd rather have
在滑雪小屋里来杯热托迪酒
a hot toddy inside the ski lodge, you know?
快点干完得了 我的座右铭
Get it over with. That's my motto.
"快点干完得了" 说得好
"Get it over with." Brilliant.
我们根本不该在这儿的 冻死了
Yeah, we shouldn't even be out here. It's freezing!
他说得很对 这段剪了吧 剪了吧
Yeah, he's right. Let's cut this. Come on.
收工走了 你们几个也是
Let's get outta here. You guys, too.
嗯 我超过了瑞士的滑雪运动员
Yes, so, I came in three days and eight hours
3天8小时 - 太厉害了
ahead of the Swiss skier... - Incredible.
超过了铜牌获得者
... and a full week and three minutes
一整个星期又3分钟 德国的Gerhard
ahead of the bronze medalist, Gerhard from Germany.
不过我也没特别拼命
But it was no special effort on my part.
虽然不想反驳你
Well, I hate to disagree,
但你这么说就是谦虚一下 对吧
but you're just being modest right now. Right?
就是说 - 没有 真的 我没谦虚
That's right! - No, no, really, I'm not.
Waif 你对滑雪的热爱
Well, Waif, your love for
让你取得如此成就 显而易见
skiing really comes through. It's palpable.
我希望没有那么显而易见 因为我并不这么想
Well, I hope that's not the case, because that's not how I feel.
我发自内心讨厌滑雪
I detest skiing intensely.
好吧 各人看法不一
Okay. But agree to disagree, right?
不不不 你怎么就不懂呢
No, no. Don't you understand?
听着 就因为我讨厌滑雪 所以才赶紧滑完的
See, because I hated skiing, that's why I was in a hurry.
听我说 Waif 在山上比赛的时候
Well, listen, Waif, uh, when you were up there and competing,
你看起来真是卯足了劲想夺金
it seems that you were really fueled by your quest for the gold.
没有没有 你这样想
No, no, no. Please understand,
奖牌不过是我对滑雪憎恨之情的附属品
the medals were just a by-product of my hatred for skiing.
还是那句话 各人想法不一 - 不不不不
Again, agree to disagree. - No. No, no. No.
不是的
No.
以后你滑雪的时候 - 嗯
When you ski now... - Yes.
你肯定会愉快地回想起曾经比赛的时光
... you must think back on your racing days fondly...
我不再滑雪了
I don't ski now.
我懂 先生 你不作为职业选手滑雪
Well, sir, I mean, you don't ski professionally
但在日常滑雪的时候 - 不不不
but in your day-to-day skiing... - No, no, no.
不不不 我从此都不再滑雪了
No, no, no. I don't ski ever.
也不溜冰 不滑雪橇
I don't ice skate, I don't toboggan...
那天冷的时候你做什么
What do you do when it's cold?