鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

这样更挑衅 更聪明地说"去你的"
It's a more challenging, smart "Fuck you," To everything...
他们这样说了吗 - 而不是说耶稣和默♥罕♥默♥德♥
Have the kids done that? - ... than that Jesus and Muhammad
卿卿我我还舌吻 那种感觉
are making out and French kissing, which is like...
就好像
It felt like Muhammad was
是故意要把大家都吓到 - 像查理周刊的封面
more deliberately shock... - It's like the Charlie Hebdo cover.
他们是不是放了耶稣和默♥罕♥默♥德♥接吻图
Didn't they have Jesus and Muhammad kissing?
这段要删掉很简单
Well, that's an easy one to cut.
但这段是David写的 所以
But no, that's what was David's original idea, so he...
这段是让这个爸爸
Also the idea was that the dad...
不是说这个 - 不是说这个
Right, but that's not it. - But that's not it.
不是说这个 好吧
That's not it. Right. No, so it's...
要不就写他们互相干
What if they're fucking each other's dicks?
"别激动 他还只是个孩子
"Calm down. He's a child.
这都是他说的 不是我们说的"
And these are his words. They're not ours."
激动吗
Psyched?
肯定会很好玩 很有趣
It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be really fun.
让我看看你的严肃脸 练习一下
Let me see your not-smiley face. Practice it.
赞 - 真不错
Damn. - Aw, that's so good.
观众喝倒彩 开始用书砸他
Like, "Boo." The audience boos and throws his book.
最开始的时候说 "每个人都能"
"Everybody gets... " Like, at the beginning,
"每个人都能免费获得Cory的新书"
"Everyone gets Cory's book for free today."
然后我们用书砸他 他们逃走
Then we're all throwing the book at him. And they run away.
然后其中一本书砸到他了
And one of the books hits him
砸到头上 他就直接上呼吸机了
in the head and he's on fucking life support.
然后说 "我们该怎么办" - "把作家告了"
And, "What should we do?" - "Sue the author?"
这样是不对的
No, no, no.
滚 Cory滚蛋 我们不喜欢你
Boo! Boo, Cory! We don't like you.
我们才不会袖手旁观 看你取笑上帝
We will not sit here and have you mock God
好像你是什么都能原谅的怪胎 - 不能这样
as some all-forgiving monster. - No. No.
说得好
Right.
就是这样
Yes. Yes!
砸他 砸他 -用书砸他
Get him. Get him. - Throw it at him.
这都是他的想法 - 做得好
Those are his thoughts. - Yes!
滚 - 滚
Boo! - Boo!
太好笑了
That was so funny.
哦 天啊
Oh, man, uh...
糟了
Fuck.
第一集里 我们用"新年目标"那段开场
And the first show, starting with "Resolutions,"
然后是"时光机"
and then doing "Time Machine."
我想用安静点的段子开场
I also love starting on something quiet.
我们这里要做的就是
All right, here we're playing...
我明白
Yeah, no. I know.
让所有的评论家
It's just gonna take all the critics,
还有观众觉得
and all the audience and go,
"不要想着<二人秀>
"Turn off your fucking Mr. Show brain
看看我们现在在做什么"
and watch what we're doing now."
在节目的最后 我们能不能说
At the end of it, can we say,
"来自好莱坞现场 这里是鲍勃和大卫"
"Live from Hollywood, it's With Bob and David... "
"来自好莱坞现场"
"Live from Hollywood!"
我们要大声喊出来
And we have to shout it out.
让Don Pardo的孙子来
Get Don Pardo's grandson...
曾孙 今年也已经84了
Great-grandson... who is 84.
不好意思
Sorry.
我们俩都是很有主见的人
We're both really strong-minded,
尤其是在喜剧方面
especially when it comes to comedy.
我们很清楚知道
Very strong-minded about our ideas of...
哪些好笑 哪些不好笑
Down to what's funny and what's not funny,
或者怎么才是最好的方式
or what's a proper way to...
怎么把一个段子展开 里面放什么内容
How a sketch should unfold and what it should contain.
什么时候做得太过分
And, you know, when have you crossed a line?
怎么把信息传递出去
And how do you convey this information to people?
什么又太老套了 之类的
What's trite? And all that stuff.
我们都非常有主见
We're very strongly opinionated
而且也会意见相左
about that and don't always agree, either.
不 现在问题在于
No, it's the question of,
我们到底是要和观众一起庆祝
are we doing a celebration of us and our audience?
还是做一个新的作品
Or are we doing a new show
这样就需要多动一点脑子
that maybe takes a little more brainpower and...
又不是只能两选一 这不是问题
But it's not an either-or. That's not a real situation.
只不过我们会做"真实时光机"那一段
Just because we might do "Real Time Machine"
稍微有点不一样 或者也可以不做这个
and go into a different bit, or not do this,
这也不代表我们在庆祝<二人秀>开播20周年
doesn't mean we're celebrating 20 years of Mr. Show.
我是说
I mean, it's...
还可以有别的方式来做
There are other ways that we can play with it.
我们可以每次都用一个冷开场 现场的
We can have a cold open each time, that's live,
不一定是个写好的剧本 一开始会有点冷
that's not necessarily a sketch, that may suffer a little bit,
但还是你想要的东西
but still does the thing you want to do.
安静的开场 现场的 完整的一块
Quiet opening, it's live, it's a piece.
我不记得他那天怎么说的 好像是
I don't know what he said the other day. He said something like,
"我们是不一样的人 但是大脑里疯狂的
"We're different guys, but there's a crazy amount
那部分有很多相似之处"
of overlap between our brains."
确实是这样 我们可以直说
And it's really true. I mean, we are able to go...
"我觉得应该这样"
"You know, it should be this."
另一个人就会说 "哦 确实是这样"
And then the other person goes, "Oh, right, of course."
这真的很难得
Like, it's just rare that...
我们对剧本到底怎么写
There's this kind of equal mix of "What matters in the sketch"
想法很平均
going on between us,
我们可以直言不讳
and an ability to talk about the piece,
而且能够理解对方
and understand where the other
为什么这么说 目的是什么
person's coming from or what they're shooting for.
这里是没有什么规则的 - 好的
Well, there's no rule here to me. - Right.
这里可以这样开场 既然你提到了
Another thing you could start with, now that you bring that up,
4个伊玛目坐在桌子边上 或者2个
is the four Imams at the table, or the two Imams,
然后他们在点菜 他们的朋友还没到
and they're ordering, and their friend isn't there yet.
对 - 然后他们就说
Right, yeah. - And they're just like...
嗯 - 我要这个 但是必须是奶牛的
Right, right. - I want this but it's got to be a cow's...
这个点子太妙了 就是这样
That's the fucking idea. That's it, right there.
我们每次都这样开场吧
We start every show that way.
我不想每次开场都一样 David
I don't wanna start every show the same way, David.
不是 我们把它做成一个
No, but we start it with a thing that...
我就是不想
I just don't wanna do it.
你不知道是什么的东西 又奇怪 又诡异
... you don't know what it's about. It's odd, it's weird.
"常春藤的四个伊玛目" 然后大家都一头雾水
"Four Imams at the Ivy." We have no idea what that's about.
然后再切回来 - 就只要15秒的时间
And it comes back. - And it's literally 15 seconds of, like,
"他在哪" 然后大家都不知道怎么回事
"Where is he?" You have no idea what it is.
但还有枪呢 - 但真的很有意思啊
Yeah, but it's guns... - But it's really intriguing.
他们说"你好" 然后 - 很酷的 他们就
Saying "Hi," And... - It's cool. And they're like...
他们在点吃的 - "到底怎么回事"
... and they're ordering food that... - "What the fuck is that about?"
不要搞笑 只要诡异
No jokes. Just the weird thing.
先做那个 然后
Like, you do that and then, um...
但那个不是现场的
It's not live, though.
不要紧 Brian 我不觉得 - 不要紧
That's okay. Brian, I don't... - That's all right.
就是一种诡异的 - 我是想
It's like a weird... - I'm trying to...
慢慢的 冷冷的开场 我开始有点想法了
... slow, cold open. I'm going off of that concept.
咋啦
What?
全完了 Mike
The jig is up, Mike.
"什么全完了 全完了"
"Okay, what jig? The jig is up.
"什么全完了" - 吃肉这回事
What jig?" - The meat jig.
"你不能再吃
"You gotta quit with the...
牛肉了"
the beefs and the...
"还有其他高脂肪的食物"
fatties... fatty foods."
"你甘油三酯高得离谱"
"Your triglycerides are off the chart."
"你的"
"Your... "
"你再也不能吃肉了 从现在开始"
"You have to stop eating meat, right now."
你不能再吃牛肉了 还有其他高脂肪食品
You've got to quit with the beef and the fatty foods.
你甘油三酯高的离谱
Your triglycerides are off the charts.
但是我好喜欢吃肉 那我还能不能吃
But I love meat. Oh, can I still have those...
不行 火鸡不行 洁食不行 是肉都不行
No! No turkey, no kosher, no meat.
那意式香肠披萨呢
How about pepperoni pizza?
这一点都不好笑 Mike
This isn't funny, Mike.