鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

Cory确实去了天堂
Cory did go to Heaven,
但到哪儿以后 恶魔就绑♥架♥了耶稣
but once there, the devil kidnapped Jesus
然后自己伪装成耶稣
and disguised himself as Jesus,
并且催眠了Cory让他相信这一切
and then hypnotized Cory into believing all of this.
这整件事使我们国家陷入了停滞
This whole thing has brought our country to a standstill.
我们得把私人感情放在一边
But we need to put our emotions aside,
团结一致 共同应对
come together and let the healing begin.
这就是为什么我提出第43329号♥法案
That is why I've proposed Legislation 43329
把小Corry送回天堂
to send little Cory back to Heaven.
希望这次他可以专心一点 别再出错了
Hopefully, he'll pay attention and get it right this time.
这个手术叫做自愿心脏骤停手术
The procedure is known as voluntary cardiac arrest.
我们要做的就是低温冷冻Cory的心脏
What we'll do is ice down Cory's heart
直到他"死亡"为止
to the point where he will "Die."
我不知道为什么我要用引号♥ 他是真的会死
I don't know why I'm doing air quotes. He will die.
只需征得父母的同意
We're just waiting on parental consent,
我们就可以着手实施了
and then we're good to go.
好
Yep.
哦 好 听起来不错
Oh, yeah, sounds good.
Cory续集已经上市了 <这才是真的天堂>
Cory's sequel is on shelves, Now, That's What I Call Heaven.
有声版本由杰弗里塔伯朗读
Audio book read by Jeffrey Tambor.
"所以 接着 妈妈爸爸告诉我
"So, then, Mommy and Daddy tolded me
有一个专门为像我这样的小朋友而准备的地方
about a special place for kids like me
那就是天堂
and it was Heaven,
她还说起了耶稣 因为之前"
and then she said about Jesus, because of before... "
别听那玩意儿
Don't listen to that.
听了什么都学不到
You're not gonna learn anything.
咱们卖♥♥书去
Let's go sell some books.
大家都说上门推销已经过时了
They say door-to-door is over.
但要我说 互联网才是无用功
I say Internet's a boondoggle.
只要门还在
As long as you got doors...
我们就不会过时 是 是 - 我们就不会过时
We'll still be around. Yeah, yeah. - We'll still be around.
哦 不 谢谢 有一次我卖♥♥牙刷
Uh, no, thank you. I once sold brushes...
嗯
Uh...
出门的时候带了10把
I went out with ten brushes in my kit.
回家的时候包里有12把刷子
Came home, I had 12 brushes.
那是我最惨的一天 一把没卖♥♥出去还买♥♥了两把
That was my worst day. I bought two brushes.
我卖♥♥的是和狗有关的产品 - 嗯
I was selling products for dogs. - Yeah.
我带了只狗在身边以为它能助我一臂之力
I brought a dog with me thinking it would help sell the products.
嗯 - 大家想买♥♥的只有狗
Yeah. - Everyone wanted to buy the dog.
产品都卖♥♥不出去
No one bought a product.
我卖♥♥了4只狗 最后只能从别人家后院偷狗
I sold four dogs, but I ended up taking them out of backyards.
嗯 你的倒霉日呢
Oh! Worst day ever?
没经历过倒霉日
Never had a bad day.
少来了
Come on.
真的没经历过
Never had a bad day.
我可以说说我的辉煌日 - 说
I'll tell you about my best day. - Yeah.
这份工作是我表亲给我找的
Cousin got me this job.
不用走动 不用出差 不用拎包 只要坐在室内
No walking around, no traveling, no case, just sitting in a room.
那多好 - 小袋子装着的白色粉末
Nice. - Little bags of white powder.
那些家伙来 - 是洗涤剂吗 洗涤剂 - 啥 不是
Guys coming in... - Detergent. Detergent. - Huh? No.
除臭剂吗 还是苏打粉
Deodorant? Soda?
酷爱饮料冲剂吗 - 不是
Kool-Aid mix? - No.
来买♥♥的人带个注射器
They'd take a syringe and
把粉打进去 然后就开心得不行
put it in and they were happy to see me.
是海♥洛♥因♥ 海♥洛♥因♥ - 就是它 海♥洛♥因♥
It's heroin. Heroin. - Heroin, that's it. Heroin.
哦 原来是海♥洛♥因♥
Oh, heroin.
那天 那天真是太棒了 - 一扫而光
That was... That was a great day. - Sold out.
我们能进来吗
May we come in? Oh.
我正处在低迷期 屁都卖♥♥不出去
I'm on a cold streak. I could not sell ass to a dog.
是吧 小子
Right, kid?
虽然我表面上看不出来
And you can't tell from looking at me, though.
永远别让人看出你紧张得流汗
You never let 'em see you sweat.
但我汗腺太他妈发达了
That's... I got these damn sweat glands.
要是能摘掉 我立马去做手术
As soon as I can have them removed, I will get that surgery.
只要是开车的时候坐在车里
You ride in a car for as long as we've ridden in a car...
就要穿着尿不湿 - 你就不能
you gotta wear a diaper. - Why can't you...
靠路边停上个厕所
I mean, you can pull over.
我们得卖♥♥东西 没时间靠路边停
We're selling. We don't have time to stop.
他会被从膝盖切到乳♥头♥ 血流而死
He'd be sliced from knees to nipples, just bleedin' him out.
我永远不会杀人 - 你会的
I'm never gonna murder nobody. It's... - You'll do it.
不会 - 你迟早会动手的
No, it's... - You'll do it, at some point.
好了 听着 亲 把它端走
Okay. Uh-uh, hon, no, take that back.
别给我朋友吃了 他们不配
No more for my friends. They haven't earned it.
我听够了借口
Okay, I've heard enough excuses
能装一船送到摩洛哥去了
to fill a boat and sail it to Morocco, all right?
说不定还能卖♥♥个好价钱
Probably get a good price, too.
你们卖♥♥的可是史上最伟大的产品
You are selling the greatest product ever invented.
宗教
Religion.
你连宗教都卖♥♥不出
You can't sell that...
那你就是坨屎
well, then you're a piece of shit.
屎中的战斗屎
A piece of shit on the bottom of a turd's shoe.
好了 我们得这么做 小姐们
Okay, so, here's what we're gonna do, ladies.
提上裙衬
We're gonna pull up our hoop-skirts,
骑上小摩托
you're gonna get on your scooters,
把小茶具搁一边
you're gonna put your little tea set away,
我们要去口红店
we're gonna go down to the lipstick store,
涂满口红
put lipstick all over us,
画上漂亮的眼影 以防碰上Chad Huntley
get some nice eye shadow, in case Chad Huntley is at the park,
他可是最可爱的小男孩
'cause he's the cutest boy
肯定想让别人都注意到他
and he wants everyone to notice him, doesn't he?
用围裙把眼泪擦擦 然后把芭蕾短裙脱了
Wipe your tears with your little apron, then take your tutu off,
骑上三轮车给我卖♥♥书去
get back on your tricycle and ride away and sell me some books!
听着 今天下班前
Now, the person who sells
书卖♥♥得最多的人
me the most books by the end of the night
有奖励
is gonna get the prize.
哇哦
Whoa!
哇 - 牛排大餐
Yeah. - Steak dinner.
快看啊 - 香
Look at that. - Oh!
大脊骨牛排配辣根沙司 不许碰
Porterhouse steak, little horsey sauce. Ah-ah-ah!
端走
Put that back.
好了 姑娘们 从头开始工作吧 赶紧的
All right, ladies. Back to the drawing boards. Let's go.
我要看到你们勤快的样子 别扭扭捏捏的
I wanna see those panties on the run. Get your tutus off!
一手烂牌
These leads are shit!
别这么悲观
You shouldn't be so negative.
你觉得你能教我什么
You know what you have to teach me?
屁都教不了
Nothing.
我是Rick 这位是Lawrence
Uh, I'm Rick, this is Lawrence.
你们好 - 不知您是否
Hello. - You wouldn't be interested in
对史上最畅销的书感兴趣呢
the best-selling book of all time, would you?
大概吧 哪本书
Oh, I don't know. What book is it?
是本圣书
Uh, it's a holy book.
他说的对 听他的没错
He's right. Listen to him...
别听这笨蛋瞎说
Don't listen to the peanut gallery.
外面有点冷
It's a little cold out.
我们能进去聊吗 - 可以啊
Could we come inside? - Oh, sure.
请进请进 - 还真给进啊
Yes, come in. Come in. - Oh, what?
您家好漂亮 - 谢谢夸奖
Beautiful house. - Thank you.
好茶
Oh, nice tea.
那你们卖♥♥的书叫什么名字
So, what is the name of the book that you're selling?
其实吧 这茶真不错
Well, it's not... The tea is very nice.
直接给她看吧
Can we just show her it?
别别 - 行啊 给我看看 谢谢
No, no. - Yes, I'd like that. Thank you.
拿好 - 好
Here you go. Yeah. - Yeah.
啊
Oh!
是<古♥兰♥经♥> - 是的
Oh, it's the Qu'ran? - Yeah.
可我不是穆♥斯♥林♥ - 好吧
I'm not Muslim. - Okay.
好吧 - 不过我丈夫是
All right... - But my husband is.
慢着
Hold on.
我丈夫是穆♥斯♥林♥ 他一会儿就回来了
He's a Muslim, and he's gonna be back in a little bit.
要不你们等等 - 不 不用了
If you wanna wait... - No, that's fine.