鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

"好吧 要白白浪费了"
"Well, now it's gonna go to waste."
"你倒轻松 我到现在没软下来呢"
"Easy for you, I have this hard-on I can't get rid of."
"那我给你撸一把"
"I'll jerk you off."
边做饭边撸
While he's cooking,
"黑犀牛可没让我♥干♥过这事"
"The black rhino never made me do all this."
"用手撸便宜你了 得用嘴
"Easy for you with the hands, use your mouth,
看你怎么干"
then let's see how you do."
"我来给你口"
"I'm giving you a blowjob."
"我倒要看看谁能活过今晚"
"I'll see who lives through this night."
老天爷
Jesus Christ.
我在想之前的<二人秀>和现在的<鲍勃大卫>
I was thinking about Mr. Show and Bob and David,
还有这部新剧中
and the kind of things that
我们做的和正在做的事
we do and that we're doing in this new show.
而且我们最酷的一点
And I think one of the things that's cool about us
也是我最骄傲的一点
that I'm proud of,
就是我们所喜爱并且想要实现的喜剧形式的多样性
is the variety of comedy that we like and like to do and pursue.
我还想要做类似
And I was thinking about sketches that
Chris Guest风格的短剧 就像<推销员>
are like Chris Guest's type thing, like, maybe "Salesman."
它很好地展示了
That's a great example of
这个智囊团如何重新诠释一部经典作品
what this team of brains can do to a piece.
现在的作品比之前的更有层次
It has so many more layers in it now than it did.
你的铲子已就位 - 这我可以
Your shovel's ready to go... - I can do that.
我在卖♥♥佩奥特掌 - 卖♥♥给谁
I was selling peyote. - To who?
家庭主妇
Housewives.
问题是 早上推销的第一家就问我怎么用
The problem is, in the morning, first house, how does it work?
我说就像这样 扒出一小块
It works like this. You make a button out of it
然后把它嚼碎
and then you chew it up...
对啊 - 两小时以后 我想不起来
Yeah. - Two hours later, I can't remember...
我想不起来我在谁家 我在卖♥♥什么
I don't remember whose house I'm in, what I'm selling...
整个人飘飘然 也不关心发生了什么
You're tripping balls and you don't care what's going on.
你是谁 你是谁
Who you are, who you are.
我觉得这个想法很好
I think the bigger idea is really great.
他想要在美国推销<古♥兰♥经♥>
He's trying to sell Qu'rans in America,
把美国当成家乡一样
just, like, hometown America.
结果屡屡碰壁
He's getting the door slammed in his face.
他的态度很差
He's got a shitty attitude.
一手烂牌
These leads are shit!
这些销♥售♥员充满了负面的消极的情绪
It's a horrible, oppressive energy around these salesmen...
演起来特别好玩 那种痛苦的感觉演起来太好玩了
which is so fun to play. It's so fun to play that pain.
太顺利了 你听到他说的清♥真♥寺的事了吗
This is great. Did you hear what he said about the mosque?
我做推销从来没到过这一步 小子
I never got this far in a sale, kid.
我 我不知道接下来该怎么办
I don't... I don't know what to do.
我去车里等着
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
把这个融合到喜剧中
And just to mix that in to comedy
才能让大家感受到 不是淡淡的伤感
is to get people to feel, and not in a maudlin way,
而是真的替他感到惋惜
genuinely feel sorry for that guy.
不是说观众应该感到惋惜 而是
Not like, you're supposed to feel sorry for him, but like,
"噢 妈的 我竟然过意不去"
"Oh, shit, I feel terrible."
我们做了件很少人会去做的事 这是件很酷的事
It's just a really cool thing that we did and not many people do.
但是这都归功于故事 都归功于
But that all comes from story, that all comes from...
我觉得应该归功于David投入和启发
I feel like David's willingness and just inspiration
才让我们把故事做进了段子里
to do story in a sketch.
太棒了
That's great.
苍蝇不错
That's some good fly.
<波士顿公立高中>是那部剧的名字
Boston Public, I think, was the name of the show.
还有一部是描写法律人的
And there's another one about law people.
还是说之前那部才是描写法律人的呢
Or was that the one about law people?
我们永远都不会知道了 因为David E. Kelley哑巴了
We'll never know, because David E. Kelley is a mute.
你们知道这件事吗
Did you know that?
在宗教仪式上 他被割掉了舌头
He had his tongue cut out in a religious ceremony
因为他娶了Michelle Pfeiffer
when he married Michelle Pfeiffer.
她信仰某个奇怪的宗教
She belongs to a weird religion.
哦 嘿 Mike 你好吗
Oh, hi, Mike, how are you?
同志们 演出已经进入最后阶段
Guys, we're in the home stretch of the show.
我知道这很难受
I know that it's unpleasant
要等那么久 因为你们来到现场
to wait for so long because you came here,
以为节目半个小时就会结束
and you thought the show was, like, a half hour show
顶多十分钟就会结束
that was gonna be over in ten minutes.
那不现实 同志们
That was unrealistic, guys.
"<谁说天堂不是真的>"
"Heaven is Totes for Realz."
"他被称为奇迹小子
"He's been called the miracle squirt.
本书<谁说天堂不是真的>
The book, Heaven is for Realz,
封面是Cory的照片 照片里他张开双臂"
with a picture of Cory, arms stretched out... "
他是个小孩 抱歉
He's a little kid, sorry.
他是个五六岁的小孩
He's this five-year-old, six-year-old kid.
"微笑着 抬头望着天堂 从镜头前飞过"
"... smiling, looking up toward heaven, flies across camera."
噢
Aw...
去天堂的时候是不是特别激动
Were you excited to go to heaven?
是啊 我很激动 因为大家都在那儿
Yes, I was excited because everybody was there.
上帝说他爱每一个人
God said he loves all of his children.
噢
Aw...
噢 对 我记得那儿有一束金光
I remember that there was a golden light.
"而且上帝让我去他身边 去到金光下"
"And God wanted me to come to him where the light was."
"噢 哇 真棒"
"Oh, wow. Wonderful... "
"大家都在那儿 我和所有人都玩儿了
"Everyone was there. I got to play with everybody.
和我的家人还有和一个叫贝比鲁斯的棒球手玩"
All my old family and a baseball player named Babe Ruth."
你见到了贝比鲁斯
You got to meet Babe Ruth?
对啊 全写在书里了 - 没错
Yeah. It's all in the book. - Yep.
还有一个和我一起玩的姑娘叫安妮弗兰克
And a girl I played with named Anne Frank.
"还有一个留着滑稽的小胡子 叫希♥特♥勒♥的人
"And a man with a funny mustache named Hitler,
还有特蕾莎修女 还有"
and Mother Teresa, and... "
"等一下 等一下 不好意思 你刚才是说希♥特♥勒♥"
"Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. Did you say 'Hitler'?"
"是的 他叫阿道夫 希♥特♥勒♥ 他的胡子很搞笑"
"Yeah, his name was Adolf Hitler and he had a funny mustache
"他说话也很搞笑"
and he talked funny."
当你说 "他叫阿道夫 希♥特♥勒♥的时候"
When you say, "His name was Adolf Hitler,"
再稍微自然点
A little less attitude.
像我这样 "我和你说"
Like, "I'll tell you this... "
比如这样
Do more like...
"是的 他叫阿道夫 希♥特♥勒♥"
"Yeah, his name was Adolf Hitler."
没错
Yeah...
"阿道夫 希♥特♥勒♥"
"Adolf Hitler."
对 不要那样 对 就这样
Yeah, yeah. Without... Yeah.
你应该让他们知道 "可能他们搞错了"
You're letting them know, like, "Oh, maybe they're mistaken."
他们不知道 "哦 原来是阿道夫 希♥特♥勒♥"
They don't... "Oh, this was Adolf Hitler."
"耶稣说他爱所有的孩子" - 哦
"Jesus said he loves all of his children. - Aw...
"但是耶稣有个很特别的男朋友
But Jesus has one special boyfriend.
他们手牵手还接吻"
They would hold hands and kiss."
"不是像爸爸妈妈那样亲吻"
"Well, not kiss like Mommy and Daddy."
"就像你们大人 还伸舌头啊什么的"
"Yeah, like you guys, with your tongues and stuff."
"你是说耶稣和女生吗"
"But it was a girl you mean?"
"不是 是男生 他叫默♥罕♥默♥德♥
"No, he's a boy. His name is Muhammad.
他皮肤黑黑的"
He's sort of black.
"我可以把他画出来 你要看吗" - "不用了"
I can draw a picture of him if you want." - "No."
我觉得其他的包袱都在
I think the thing is that the other killers are there.
耶稣和默♥罕♥默♥德♥接吻
I know that Jesus kissing
观众确实会很有反应 David 但是
Muhammad will make people react, David, but...
就感觉
it just doesn't feel that, like...
他们俩不是特别搭
They're just not into each other, really.
听上去太震惊了
It just feels very, like, shocking.
震惊多过于好笑
Way more shocking than it is funny.
除非 - 如果要有这么个人
Unless... - There has to be someone
那他这么做也要有原因 对吧 - 光是默♥罕♥默♥德♥上天堂这事
doing it for a reason, right? - Just Muhammad being in heaven
就够让人不舒服的了 所以啊
might make people uncomfortable enough. So, yeah...
大的概念在于 "人人都上天堂"
But the bigger idea of, "Everyone's in heaven... "
这本身就是很基♥督♥教的概念 - 是的
Which is very Christian. - Yeah.
就好像 "坏人不能上天堂"
It's very, like... "Well, now, bad people aren't there."
但他们也是人 他们以前
Well, they're all people and they had...
童年可能非常不幸福
Some of them had difficult childhoods and...
他们也没有办法 - 而且神爱众人
Yeah, they couldn't help it. - And God loves everyone.
所以我觉得没必要把默♥罕♥默♥德♥搬出来
I feel like you don't have to make it Muhammad.