鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

说到这个
Speaking of which...
你也定新年目标了吗 - 是
have you made a resolution? - Yeah.
我还真定了
Yeah, as a matter of fact I have.
我就 我去看了医生
You know, I just, um... just saw my doctor...
她说我胆固醇有点儿高
and she says my cholesterol is a little high.
听她的没错 - 一定要听医生的
Listen to her. - Yeah, you have to.
对 所以
Yeah, so...
我哥去年心脏病发了以后
You know, after my brother's heart attack last year,
真的给我敲了个警钟 - 抱歉
that was a real wake up call, and, um... - Sorry, man.
我必须有所行动了 我得戒掉红肉
So I realize I gotta do it. No more red meat.
从此一星儿红肉都不沾
Not eating red meat anymore.
不过你超爱吃肉的吧
You love meat though.
可不是吗 但再吃下去我就没命了 所以
Yeah, I know, but... if I keep eating it, I'll die, so...
从现在起 我只吃鸡肉 鱼和豆腐
from now on it's just chicken, fish and tofu.
红肉一概不吃 就这么定了
No more red meat for me. End of story.
我们玩的什么规矩来着 是芝加哥扑克吗
Hey, what are we playing, again? Is it Chicago time?
猜大小 - 猜大小
Over and under. - Over and under.
是的 猜大小的七张牌梭哈
It's over and under. Over and under and sevens.
上一局是五和十 - 对的
Last game, it was five and ten. - Yeah.
所以 点披萨的时候我想
So, you know, I hope when we order pizza, um...
能不能点个半素或者纯芝士的披萨
maybe we get, like, half veggie or at least just plain cheese,
因为我再也不吃红肉了
because, um... not eatin' red meat anymore.
我还挺想吃披萨的
You know, I could go for pizza. I think that's...
我早就想到了
I'm way ahead of you, man.
我来用手♥机♥软件订个披萨
I'm gonna dial one up on the app thing.
来个意式香肠和火腿的 谢谢 - 好的
You know what? Pepperoni and ham, please. - Okay.
我也要prosciutto - 那是意大利语的火腿
And prosciutto as well, also! - Italian for "Ham".
我要个一半香肠另一半双份香肠的
Can I get half sausage and on the other half double sausage?
你又来
Oh, there he is!
也就是肉食爱好者专供的披萨 - 对对对
So your basic Meat Lover's Special there. - Yeah, right.
能不能点一个小小的 没肉的披萨
Can we get, like, a small, with, uh... with no meat on it?
你觉得我做不到 是吗
Oh, you don't think I can do this?
拜托 人家那都是正经的目标
Come on, man. These are real resolutions.
我的也是啊 为健康着想
Mine is, too! It's for my health.
Mike 我知道你这是在讽刺我 可以了吧
Mike, look, I get your sarcasm, okay?
你觉得我成不了大导演
You don't think I can be a major film director,
就演了这么出装腔作势的戒肉戏
so you pitch this no-meat, over-the-top bullshit!
我觉得你就是个超级损友
I think you're being a shitty friend right now, okay?
我没想讽刺你 我只是 - 可拉倒吧你
I wasn't being sarcastic, I was just... - Oh, come on!
Mike就是个损友 到此为止
Mike was being shitty. Let's end it there.
没错
Yeah.
好了 换个话题 我也定了个目标
Okay. Uh, in other news, I made a resolution, too.
我要去参加竞选了
I'm running for office.
好厉害 - 棒极了
Awesome! - That's wonderful!
等等 你想竞选什么
Excuse me, what office?
教皇
Pope.
不是吧 - 神圣罗马天主教堂的教皇
No kidding? - Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
哦 天哪 - <征服钱海>
Oh, buddy! - The big kahuna.
没有比他更合适的人了 - 你可以的
No better man for it. - You can do it.
你是犹太人
You're Jewish.
是的 对此我有三个回应
Yeah. And I got three responses to that one.
一 耶稣也是犹太人 二 谁在乎呢
One, so was Jesus. Two, who cares?
三 不服来干
Three, ride this!
正是这样
There it is!
这才是我们的教皇 - 这招会让他们服气的
That's our pope. - That's gonna get 'em.
既然咱们大家都说实话了
You know what? Since we're all being honest here...
至少有一些人是坦诚的
Well, some of us.
我想告诉大家 我最近在努力学习
Um, I just wanted to tell you guys that I've been studying up,
刻苦读书 我要成为一名法官
reading a lot and I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna be a judge.
太棒了 - 从巡回法庭做起
Oh, that's great! - Start at the circuit court level.
从基层干起 不断努力升职加薪 退休之后
Nice and low, you know, and work my way up and retire
我就能当上真人秀里的正经名法官啦
and then I'm gonna be a famous no-nonsense TV judge. Whoo!
真棒 George 为你开心
That's great, George. Good for you, buddy.
谢谢 - 嘿 George
Thanks. - Hey, George,
你还在假释期呢 怎么可能当法官
how're you gonna be a judge when you're still on parole?
Mike 你也太不支持别人了
Mike, you're not being very supportive, okay?
什么 我说要戒肉的时候你们都毫无反应
What? When I said my no-meat thing, you guys gave me nothing.
因为戒肉根本就是扯淡
That's because it's insane!
你可以学会如何当法官
You can learn how to be a judge.
但你是学不会如何不喜欢某样东西的
You can't learn how to not like something.
不戒肉食我会死的 我实在没办法
I'll die if I don't do it! I have no choice!
天哪 Mike 我们没有支持你的戒肉计划
Oh, my God! Mike, we didn't support your no-meat thing
因为它纯属扯淡 而且
'cause it's bullshit and
我们知道你最多能坚持两秒钟
we know you're only gonna last for two seconds
因为你喜欢吃意式香肠
'cause you love pepperoni!
所以 放轻松点吧
So just ease up, learn how
学学怎么和朋友相处 别再扯淡了
to be a good friend, and cut the bullshit!
说得没错
Yeah.
来了
There it is!
门开着呢
It's open!
玛格莱特妈妈家的两分钟比萨到了
Mama Margharetti's two minute pizza.
我们承诺两分钟之内送达 否则赔偿半价
Get your pizza in two minutes or half of it is free.
喏 这是假的 全都给你
Here, this is fake. You can keep all of it.
很好 - 很好
All right. - All right.
哦 - 好了 人♥渣♥们
Oh! - All right, douchebags.
哇呜 - 哦耶
Whoo! - Oh, yeah!
Drew Zimble的Zimble手♥机♥
Drew Zimble's Zimble Phone
短短一年之内就占领了市场
took over the market in less than a year.
你现在可能就在用他的手♥机♥观看此剧
You're probably watching this on one of his devices now.
George Jackson出任了第九巡回法庭的联邦法官
George Jackson was appointed Federal Judge of the Ninth Circuit.
Mike Langorghetti坚持了1.3秒没有吃肉
Mike Langorghetti lasted 1.3 seconds until he ate meat.
Jonah Abramowitz当选了第一任自♥由♥教皇
Jonah Abramowitz became the first elected freelance pope,
因在家完成大部分教皇工作而深受爱戴
and was beloved for doing most of his poping from home.
我会祝福你的
... and you have my blessing.
砰
Boop!
甜心 晚上想吃什么
Honey, what do you want for dinner?
吃洁食
Let's keep it kosher.
看来咱们又要吃赫歇尔了
I guess it's going to be Herschel's again!
各位 赫歇尔来了
Guys! Herschel's is here!
赫歇尔清洁异教♥徒♥美食
Herschel's Kosher Goyim Delicacies
专供汁多味美的洁食
Serving succulent kosher
火鸡熏肉和荣获大奖的火鸡牡蛎
turkey bacon and our award-winning turkey oysters.
所有食物百分百符合希伯来法
All 100% allowed by Hebrew law.
我们深感自豪
Because we pride ourselves
因为我们生产最优质的
in producing the highest quality treats
曾经只可供异教♥徒♥食用的食品
previously available only to Gentiles.
现在 我们限♥量♥推出逾越节美食
And now, for a limited Passover treat...
赫歇尔火鸡耶稣
new Herschel's Turkey Jesus!
崇拜圣子 而无需触犯任何希伯来法律
Worship the true Son of God without breaking any Hebrew law.
所以不用担心
So don't worry,
赫歇尔火鸡耶稣仅采用最瘦的火鸡
Herschel's Turkey Jesus contains only the leanest turkey,
完全依照犹太教饮食教规屠宰
slaughtered under the basic laws of Kashrut
火鸡一概没有任何生理畸形
and free of any physiological abnormalities.
而且和真正的耶稣一样完美
And it's just as good as the real thing,
因为赫歇尔火鸡很虔诚地
because Herschel's Turkey Jesus is pious,
坐在圣父的右手边
sits at the right hand of the father,
而且最重要的是 它又美味又宽容
and most importantly, he's deliciously forgiving!
此外 不要忘记阅读限♥量♥版火鸡新约中
And don't forget to read all about the Turkey Savior
有关火鸡救世主的所有章节哦
with this limited edition Turkey New Testament.
本产品经由教皇Jonah Abramowitz认证
Certified by Pope Jonah Abramowitz.
我祝福过它
It has my blessing.
您现在收看的是 "不荒唐"George Jackson法官
You're watching Judge George "No Nonsense" Jackson,
讲述真实人物真实案例
where real people bring real cases
交由已退休的加州巡回法官
in front of retired
George Jackson审判的情景
California circuit court judge George Jackson.
法庭严肃 禁止胡说八道
And no nonsense is ever allowed.
今晚的被告是Chazz Maloney
Tonight, the defendant, Chazz Maloney,
一名世界级格斗选手
a world-ranked UFC fighter.
Chazz因无端袭击原告Andy Duane
Chazz is accused of unprovoked assault
并对其身体造成伤害而被指控
and causing bodily harm to the plaintiff Andy Duane,