鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

去下那家店 付好所有的钱
on my way to work, and I'll pay for everything.
我现在就打电♥话♥ 好吗
I'm just gonna call this in now, all right?
你就 你就待着
And you just... All you gotta do is be at...
Donny 你就在这应门就好
Donny, you're gonna be here to answer the door.
就这么点事 是 你好 我是David Cross
That's all you have to... Yes, hi, this is David Cross.
我要下个订单
Uh, I wanted to call in an order.
一半一半 橄榄 - 再见
Half and half, olives... - Ta-ta!
珠宝之王 - 卫牙
King of the jewels. - ... two TPs.
有人会在这的
Somebody will be here for it,
对 有人会在这的 对吗
yes. Somebody will be here for it. Yes?
再见 - 好 "再见"就是"对"
Ta-ta! - Okay. "Ta-ta" Means yes.
好 那谢谢你
All right. So, thank you.
不 我并不那么崇拜David
Nah, I don't look up to David
我比较崇拜Matthew McConaughey
so much as I look up to Matthew McConaughey
和他同样有才华的哥哥
and his equally-talented brother.
在那方面 我觉得我跟马修麦康纳更像
And in that respect, I think I'm more like Matthew McConaughey
而David反而更像
and David's more like
跟马修麦康纳同样有才华的哥哥
Matthew McConaughey's equally-talented brother.
听着 跟他们说说你的节目
Listen, tell them about your show.
我们总是听说David的节目
We're always hearing about David's shows.
大家也应该同样了解你的节目
People should know about your show equally.
对对对 所以
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um...
我一直在忙这个单人秀
I've been kind of working on this one-man show
就像太阳马戏团融合单人秀
that's like Cirque du Soleil meets one-man show.
David可以帮到你
David can help you with that.
他可以打给史蒂文斯皮尔伯格
He can call Steven Spielberg.
对 你去叫他打
Yeah, well, tell him to do it,
我叫他帮过很多忙
I mean, I've asked him a bunch,
但他屁都没为我做过
you know, but he doesn't do shit for me.
试试又不会死
Hey, it doesn't harm to try.
什么
What?
Donny
Donny!
天杀的 Donny
God damn it. Donny!
两个出色的儿子在好莱坞大展拳脚
Two wonderful sons storming Hollywood
火遍全世界
and setting the world on fire.
我不认为我会说自己了不起
I don't think I'd call myself amazing,
但我觉得我的两个儿子在各方面都同样有才华
but I think my two boys are equally talented in every way!
接下来的<了不起的妈妈>
Later on Amazing Moms...
我的儿子们一直就像双胞胎一样
My boys have always been like twins.
兴趣 才华 都一模一样
Just the same exact interests and talents.
现在我家里有两个有名的赛车手
And now I've got two famous racing car drivers in this family.
我太了不起了
I'm amazing.
我的两个女儿 我太为她们骄傲了
My two girls, I am so proud of both of them.
其中一个是
I mean, one is the head of
坎普顿-布莱尔脑科中心的神经科主任
neurology at Kempton-Blair Brain Institute...
另一个在奥海做芳疗师
and the other is an aromatherapist in Ojai.
一个家庭两个医生
Two doctors in one family.
谢 谢 大 家
Thank you very much.
结束了吗 我有急事 - 哦
We done here? I got an emergency. - Oh!
我需要10毫升的薰衣草精油和肉桂
I need ten cc's of lavender oil and cinnamon.
这位佛祖 给我蒸两个香薰 马上
Siddhartha, get me two dream catchers, stat.
美女 告诉我你准备了
Sunshine, tell me you've
该死的花水和心材
got some goddamn floral water and heartwood
不然我就打断你的狗腿
or I'll break both your fucking legs!
好的 Reynolds先生
All right, Mr. Reynolds.
这个手术我已经做过几次了
Now, I've done this operation a few times,
但我得警告你
but I have to warn you,
有30%的几率你会失去这条腿
there's a 30% chance you'll lose your leg.
所以是70%的成功几率 - 是
So, a 70% chance of success? - Yeah.
你看上去对自己很有信心
You seem pretty sure of yourself.
呃 我有70%的自信
Well, I'm 70% sure.
好的 七三开
Okay, 70-30.
这几率还不错 来个50
All right, I like those odds. I'm in for 50.
50什么 - 50刀
Fifty what? - Fifty dollars.
我不会拿这个跟你打赌的
I'm not betting you on this.
为什么不 - 太荒谬了
Why not? - It's ridiculous.
而且我会输
And I'll lose.
别呀 赌五十块你会搞砸
Come on. Fifty bucks says you fuck it up.
噢 你赌的是几率小的那个啊
Oh, so you're taking the long odds.
是啊 是啊
Yeah, yeah.
所以你是说如果我搞砸了
So, you're saying that if I fuck it up,
我才要付钱吗
uh, then I have to pay you?
没错 - 哦 好啊 我跟你赌
Exactly. - Oh, great. I'll take that deal.
最好去趟自动取款机哦 机灵鬼
Better get to an ATM, smartass.
我可以的 - 好
I can do this. - Okay.
闻闻这钞票 一股喷香的油墨味
The sweet smell of greenbacks.
新手的好运而已 Reynolds
It's beginner's luck, Reynolds.
噢 某人是因为输钱所以不开心了吗
Aw, somebody upset 'cause they lost some money?
去你♥妈♥的♥ 独腿怪物
Fuck you, one leg.
好吧 来嘛 伙计 输了双倍 赢了一笔勾销
All right. Come on, man, double or nothing.
什么 赌注是什么 - 对啊
What? What's the bet? - Yeah.
一样的赌注 另一条腿啊
Same bet, other leg.
你疯了 - 你还怂呢
You're crazy. - And you're chickenshit.
可另一条腿没毛病啊
There's nothing wrong with your other leg.
"可另一条腿没毛病啊"
"There's nothing wrong with your other leg."
你还真够怂的
That is the mating call of a coward.
你猜怎么着 那就来吧 混球
You know what? You're on, asshole.
哦 来啊 好啊 不错
Oh, come on. All right, great.
好吧 好吧
All right, all right.
你连胜两场 现在该结束了吧
You had a little bit of a streak, but it's over now.
什么叫"现在该结束了"
What do you mean "It's over"?
你的腿全没了啊
All your legs are gone.
对啊 我看得见 我有两只眼睛
Yeah, I can see that. I got two eyes.
说起这个 我有两只眼睛哦
Speaking of which, I got two eyes.
我可没有资格给眼睛做手术
I am not qualified to operate on eyes.
哦 这话我喜欢
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
我来把这话给你翻译一下
Let me put this in terms you'll understand.
如果我给你的眼睛做手术
If I operate on your eyes,
有99%的可能我会搞砸
there's a 99% chance I'll fuck it up.
是 但如果你不搞砸的话
Yeah, but if you don't fuck it up,
赔率可是99比1哦
you're gonna get $99 for every dollar you bet.
换做是我 我就赌一把 医生
I'd take those odds if I were you,Doc.
你可以发笔小财
You can make a lot of scratch.
护士 准备手术
Nurse, prep the OR.
进 账
Cha-ching!
拉起角膜使其
Lift the cornea just so...
擦汗
Swab.
成败在此一举
There's a lot riding on this.
好了 Reynolds先生
All right, Mr. Reynolds.
看看结果怎么样
Let's see what we got here.
我举起了几根手指
How many fingers am I holding up?
我不知道 而且我永远都不会知道了
I don't know and I'm never gonna know,
但最好手指里夹着一百块哦
but there better be 100 bucks in 'em.
他妈的 没见过像你这么幸运的王八蛋
God damn it! You are the luckiest son of a bitch!
嘿 这世上每分钟都有傻瓜出生 对吧
Hey, there's a sucker born every minute, huh?
你在哪儿
Where are ya?
我得问问你 - 嗯
I gotta ask ya. - Yeah?
你从我这里赢了那么多钱
You've won an awful lot of money off me
又做了这么多手术
and your various surgeries.
你打算拿这钱做什么
What do you plan to do with all of it?
嗯 我想做一件
Well, I'm gonna do something
我从小就梦寐以求的事
I've always wanted to do since I was a kid.
我要去苏格兰
I'm gonna go to Scotland and
徒步观光 登上那
I'm gonna take a sight-seeing hike up the...
噢
Oh.
现在正式授予你为
You are hereby recognized as
三K党高级大♥法♥师
Grand Kleagle Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
太棒了 我终于可以
Great. Now I can finally
成为美♥利♥坚♥合众国的总
be President of the United States of Amer...
噢
Oh...