鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

Freddy参与制♥作♥的一部动画电影马上要上映了
Freddy here has a story credit in the CarBots movie coming out.
而且 一家伊♥斯♥兰♥神学院以他的名字命名了一块泥地
Plus, he has a new mud floor named after him in a madrasa.
不错 - 真♥主♥至大
Nice. - Allahu Akbar.
真♥主♥至大 - 真♥主♥至大
Allahu Akbar. - Allahu Akbar.
同志们 呃 伊玛目 抱歉打扰了
Guys, uh, Imam, a thousand pardons.
就是这个
Here it is.
我的新宝贝 噢 你们绝对会喜欢的
This is my new baby. Oh, you're gonna love it.
讲的是一个美好的 很有层次的
It's a, uh, beautiful, complex,
呃 没有清规戒律约束的当代情感关系
uh, a no-holds-barred look at modern relationships.
呃 我们已经取得审批了 就等各位同意
Uh, we got the green light, we just need the go-ahead from you
我们就能开拍了
and we can get rolling.
"午夜家庭" 简要介绍一下
"Midnight's Family." Nutshell it for me.
没问题 讲的是一对男同情侣
Absolutely. It's about a gay couple,
呃 在一起好多年了 过得很舒服
uh, been together for years, very comfortable,
想从一对女同情侣那里收养个小孩
who want to adopt a child from a lesbian couple,
然后事情就变得复杂了
and then things get complex
因为其中一个男同和一个直女发生了关系
when one of the gay partners has an affair with a straight woman.
所以 是一部客观描述当下两性关系的剧
So, just a cold-eyed look at modern contemporary relationships.
好 好
Okay, okay.
我知道这部剧很现实 很有层次
I get that it's current, complex...
很真实 对吧
honest, I'm sure.
没错
Very.
但 呃 能把男同情侣变直
But, uh, can we have the gay couple be straight
然后把女同情侣也变直吗 顺便删去收养
and the lesbians also be straight and have no adoption?
还有把那对通奸的处以石刑
And have the adulteress stoned to death?
是 - 嗯
Yes. - Mmm.
好 额 但那样就会彻底颠覆整个故事
Okay. Uh, that would change things substantially.
是的 好吧 如果我们
Right. Okay, what if we
就保留男同情侣和收养环节呢
just kept the gay couple and the adoption?
好吧 大家妥协一下
Okay, let's compromise.
其他的都去掉
Lose all of the other...
就保留乱石砸死奸夫淫♥妇♥的情节
Let's just have the stoning of the adulteress.
那样的话会好看很多
That way it's much more enjoyable.
没问题 好的 非常感谢各位
You got it. All right, thank you guys so much.
谢谢
Thank you.
试想一下 伊玛目
Picture it, Imam,
一部讲述当今社会真正的罪犯的电视剧
a TV show that goes after the real criminals in today's society.
摸鞋的孩子们
Children who touch shoes,
周日看着鸭子流口水的老太婆们
grandmas who look at ducks on a Sunday!
不留胡子的男人们
Men without beards,
有阴♥道♥的女人们
women with vaginas,
还有犹太科学家
Jew scientists.
我们要钉死他们 把他们钉死在墙上
We nail 'em. We nail 'em all to the wall.
这不是游戏 好吗
This ain't no game, all right?
我给你拿了烟 给你倒了咖啡
I got you your smokes, I got you your coffee.
现在 告诉我 Valentino藏在哪儿
Now, where's Valentino's hideout?
好吧
All right!
好 我对你算客气的
Okay, I tried to be nice.
对 我对你算客气的 好吗
Yeah, I tried to be nice, all right?
但现在轮到我的搭档了 好吗
But now you're gonna have to deal with my partner, okay?
他可不客气 - 噢
He's not nice like me. - Ooh!
他是个真正的混♥蛋♥
He's a real asshole.
好好享受吧
Enjoy.
不想说 是吧
Don't wanna talk, huh?
我什么都不知道
I don't know nothin'.
哦 是吗
Oh, yeah?
好 我来告诉你
Well, here's what I know.
不准喝咖啡 不准抽烟 - 嘿
No more coffee, no more smokes. - Hey.
Valentino藏在哪儿
Where's Valentino's hideout?
好了 我知道了 我知道了 你是那个混♥蛋♥警♥察♥
All right, I get it, I get it, you're the asshole cop!
对
Yeah!
等下 什么
Wait, what?
我知道了 我知道了 你懂
I get it, I get it, you know?
他来当"好警♥察♥" 装的很客气
He comes in here acting all nice and acting like he cares
然后你来当"混♥蛋♥警♥察♥"
and you come in here with the "Asshole cop" Act.
他说你是个混♥蛋♥ 没想到你真是
He said you were an asshole and you are.
他说我是个混♥蛋♥
He said I was an asshole?
对啊
Yeah.
Mort这么说的
Mort said that?
是啊
Yes.
他倒轻松
Easy for him.
他过着完美的小日子
He's got the perfect life, and...
还到处说我混
And he goes and calls me an ass...
这该死的感情
It's just these damn feelings.
我心碎了
It hurts!
你和他说什么了
What'd you say to him?
你和我的搭档说什么了
What'd you say to my partner?
干嘛 我告诉他你说他是个混♥蛋♥
What? I just said you said he was an asshole.
你为什么要告诉他啊
Why would you say that?
什么 我不知道
What? I don't know.
我是说 我以为
I mean, I thought it was
这是你们唱红脸唱白脸的警♥察♥游戏
part of the whole cop game you were doing.
不 这不是游戏
No! This is no game!
记得我跟你说的第一件事吗 就是"这不是游戏"
Remember the first thing I said is, "This ain't no game!"
是 好吧 - 记得吗
Yeah, okay. - Do you remember?
记得我说过吗 - 是 是 我记得 我记得
Do you remember that? - Yes, yes, I remember. I remember.
好 很好 我们继续
All right, well, let's keep goin' here.
快点 说啊
Come on, spill it!
我是不会告诉你藏身地的
I ain't sayin' nothin' about the hideout!
不 不是关于藏身地点的
No, not about the hideout!
是有关我的 他怎么说我的
About me, what did... What did he say about me?
啊 呃 我也不清楚 呃 好话吧
Oh, well, I don't... Uh, nice stuff, you know?
好事儿 比如
Good things, like, uh,
你的生活很完美
you have the perfect life and, you know, uh...
哼
Oh.
他说我的生活完美吗
He said I have the perfect life, huh?
我的生活一点也不完美
Oh, my life is far from perfect, yeah.
他 他有没有告诉你我老婆和房♥子那些破事儿
Did... Did he tell you about the shit with my wife and the house?
没 - 我日
No. - Oh, fuck.
你看看他 那家伙这么低声下气
You see, that guy, he's... He's so, uh, obsequious, you know?
感性得过了头
He's like, uh, he's overly sensitive.
他就是个多愁善感的脑残
He's just... He's an emotional basket-case!
哼 我要让他知道什么是"完美的生活"
Oh, I'll show him "Perfect life."
你跟他说什么了 贱♥人♥
What did you say to him, you son of a bitch?
他生我好大的气啊
He's really mad at me now!
老天
Jesus!
你歇会儿吧
Lay off, man!
我就说了"完美的生活"之类的
I just said the "Perfect life" Thing.
喔 就只说了这个吗
Oh, is that all you said, huh?
只有这些吗 你个碎嘴婆子
That's all, Chatty Cathy?
那是你我之间的事啊
That was between you and me!
他过得根本不是完美的生活
He doesn't have a perfect life.
他老婆都和他闹掰了
He's got shit with his wife.
他家车♥库♥客房♥什么的热得要死 墙上贴的还是墨西哥瓷砖
He's got this hot garage, guest house with the Mexican tiles.
他现在觉得我在笑话他
Now he thinks I'm making fun of him.
但是你又没
I mean, it doesn't mean you're,
表现得很低声下气之类的
like, acting obsequious or whatever.
喔 就是这个词
Ooh, there's that word.
他是不是这么说我的
What, he called me that?
没错 我是有点低声下气 因为我真心热爱这差事
Yeah, I'm obsequious 'cause I actually like my job.
他以为就因为他老婆和房♥子那破事儿
He thinks he could say anything about anybody
自己就可以为所欲为口无遮拦了
'cause of his wife and his house shit!
他再也不是贴心的小棉袄了
He doesn't care about us anymore!
他和他老婆到底怎么回事 还有车♥库♥啥的
What is it about the wife, and the garage or something?
你跟他说什么了
What'd you say to him?
他刚刚说不让我参加他的婚礼了
He just disinvited me to his wedding.
我 我就说了低声下气
I mean, I tried to use obsequious in a sentence,
但是我不觉得 - 卧♥槽♥ 不了个是吧 你为啥啊
but I don't think... - Oh, no, no, why'd you do that?
只有我才这么说他 他知道的
That's my word. He knows that.
天哪
God.