鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

既然我高价转卖♥♥了Banes和Dunfrey的演唱会门票
Now that I scalped my tickets to Banes & Dunfrey,
那我终于有钱买♥♥的起Banes
I can finally afford to go see Banes and...
噢
Oh...
嘿 Country 你要去哪儿
Hey, Country, where you think you goin'?
我打算去买♥♥些吃的 朋友们马上要来了
I'm just going to get some provisions. The boys are comin' over.
先别急 孩子 我有个更好的办法
Hold your horses, son. I got a better way.
*行 你可以留着你那高档芝士和红酒*
*Well, you can keep your fancy cheese and wine*
*不需要来点特别的 也可以玩得很开心*
*I don't need nothin' special for my good time*
*我不追求档次 只想简简单单*
*I ain't high-class. Just a simple country breed*
*因为我和朋友们喜欢来点实在的*
*Cause me and the boys We like keepin' it real*
*喝点冰啤 享受享受*
*Crackin' us a cold brew and kickin' up our heels*
*简简单单的生活 我要的很少*
*It's a simple life Just a few little things I need*
*一箱米勒或百威就行*
*A case of Miller or Bud will do*
*几块肉排和一包口香糖*
*A rack of ribs and a pack of chew
*冰镇百威和烧烤 我要的就是这些*
*Cold Buds and barbecue. This here's all I need*
*我希望你都记下来了*
*I hope you're gettin' this down!*
*我说一箱米勒或百威就行*
*I said a case of Miller or Bud will do*
*几块肉排还有一包口香糖*
*A rack of ribs and a pack of chew*
*大号♥洗涤剂还有烘干柔顺纸*
*Family-sized detergent and dryer sheets*
*再来几条面包和各种午餐肉*
*Two loaves of bread and assorted lunch meats*
*橄榄油 鸡蛋 牙膏 牙线*
*Olive oil, eggs, toothpaste, and floss*
*厕纸 玻璃清洁剂 别不舍得花钱*
*Toilet paper, Windex, Never mind the cost*
*没什么特别花哨的 我要的就是这些*
*But nothing too fancy. That's everything I need*
*既然你会路过药房♥*
*But since you're already passin' by the pharmacy*
*那就顺便帮我买♥♥点胃痛药和维他命C*
*Why don't you grab me some Prilosec and Vitamin C*
*洗头膏 护发素 还有30倍的防晒霜*
*Shampoo, conditioner. Some 30 sunscreen*
*姑娘们还要点卫生棉条和抗过敏药*
*My girl needs tampons and antihistamine*
*还有希腊橄榄和甘菊茶*
*Kalamata olives and chamomile tea*
*再来点手工羊角甜甜圈 还得是不含谷蛋白的哦*
*Some artisanal Cronuts And be sure they're gluten-free*
*这些东西我都要 你都记下来了没有*
*I gotta have this stuff. Are you writin' it down?*
*这些东西昨天就要了 所以别磨磨蹭蹭了*
*I need it all yesterday, so stop fartin' 'round*
*记得去全食超♥市♥ 我可不要好市多的垃圾货*
*Go to Whole Foods. Don't want no Costco shit*
*把儿童座椅扔了 就全能装下了*
*And lose the stupid child seat It's all got to fit*
*最好别忘了再买♥♥点高档芝士和红酒*
*And best not forget some fancy cheese and wine*
*我的小日子就完美了*
*It's gotta be the finest for my good time*
*耶*
*Yeah!*
欢迎收看本次节目
Welcome to the show.
今天我们将如约进行首次现场访问
As promised, today we have the first-ever live interview
本次嘉宾 奇迹宝宝 Cory Ceitful
with Cory Ceitful, the wonder kid.
对于那些不记得他是谁的观众们
For those of you who don't remember,
小Cory因为紧急阑尾切除手术
little Cory went into a coma for one week
而昏迷了一个礼拜
after an emergency appendectomy.
而且生理死亡了整整五天
He was clinically dead for five days.
但当小Cory醒过来以后
When little Cory came to,
谈及他在天堂的那段日子时
his parents and his doctors were shocked
他的父母和医生都惊呆了
when he talked about his time in Heaven.
去年Cory写了本全球畅销书
Cory wrote a global bestseller last year,
<谁说天堂不是真的>
Heaven is Totes for Realz.
好 各位 看看你们的座位底下
Okay! Check under your seats, y'all,
免费赠送 每人一本
because you are going home with a free copy of this baby.
是 没错
Yes, indeed.
做客本次访谈的嘉宾有 Cory和他的父母
Joining me today on the show is Cory and his parents,
Josh和Tonya - 嗨
Josh and Tonya. - Hi.
嗨 Cory - 嗨
Hi, Cory. - Hi.
我很喜欢你的书 我女儿有个问题想问你
I loved your book. My daughter had a question for you.
她想知道 天堂闻起来是什么味道的
She wanted to know, what does Heaven smell like?
嗯 闻起来就像蛋糕和阳光
Um, like cake and sunshine.
噢 - "蛋糕和阳光"
Aw! - "Cake and sunshine."
我也想去
I wanna go.
我猜去天堂你一定很激动
I bet you were excited to go to Heaven.
是啊 我很激动 因为大家都在那儿
Yes, I was excited because everybody was there!
上帝说他爱每一个人
God said he loves all of his children.
噢
Aw!
而且我爷爷也在那儿 - 你爷爷
And my pop-pop was there! - Your pop-pop?
是 而且Dina Cory绝不可能知道
Yeah, and Dina, there's no way Cory would know
他爷爷长什么样子
what his pop-pop looked like.
我的父亲 也就是他的爷爷 在我七岁的时候 就过世了
My father, his grandfather, passed away when I was seven.
但是 他描述的完全正确 连额前的那一撮发旋都一模一样
And yet, he described him right down to his cowlick.
Cory 告诉Dina金光的事 - 好
Cory, tell Dina about the golden light. - Yeah.
噢 对 我记得那儿有一束金光
Oh, yes, I remember that there was a golden light.
而且上帝让我去他身边 去到金光下
And God wanted me to come to him where the light was.
我和所有人都玩儿了
I got to play with everybody.
和我的家人还有和一个叫贝比鲁斯的棒球手玩
All my old family and a baseball player named Babe Ruth.
是啊 - 你见到了贝比鲁斯
Yeah. - You got to meet Babe Ruth?
对啊 全写在书里了 - 没错
Yeah, it's all in the book. - Yep.
还有一个和我一起玩的姑娘
And a girl I played with
叫安妮弗兰克 - 对
named Anne Frank. - Yeah.
噢
Aw!
还有一个留着滑稽的小胡子 叫希♥特♥勒♥的人
And a man with a funny mustache named Hitler...
还有个善良的女士 叫特蕾莎修女
and a nice lady named Mother Teresa...
等一下 你是说你在天堂见到了希♥特♥勒♥
Hold on a second. Did you say you met Hitler in Heaven?
额 是阿道夫希♥特♥勒♥
Uh, it's Adolf Hitler,
而且还留着滑稽的小胡子 说起话来也很滑稽
and he had a funny mustache and he talked funny.
不 宝贝 这不可能
No, honey, that can't be right.
天堂里没有希♥特♥勒♥
There was no Hitler there.
不 - 对 这些没写在书里 朋友们
No. - Yeah, that's not in the book, folks.
有啊
Yeah-huh!
而且还有个好心的先生 叫杰弗瑞达莫
And there was a nice man named Jeffrey Dahmer,
还有加西先生 - 不
and a Mr. Gacy. - No.
噢 还有约翰丹佛 - 对
Oh, and John Denver. - Yeah...
朋友们 这是Cory的记忆 好吗
Folks, these are Cory's memories, okay?
朋友们 这可不是我们的记忆
Folks, these are not ours.
不是我们的 不是我们的
They're not ours. They're not ours.
对 你猜怎么着 等一等 我知道怎么回事了
Yeah, you know what? Hold on. I think I know what happened.
Cory 我想你搞错了 宝贝 我想你去的应该是地狱
Cory, I think you're confused, sweetie. I think you went to Hell.
对 就是地狱 - 没错
Yeah, that's it. - Yeah.
他去了地狱 就是这样 - 对 对
He went to Hell. That's it. - Yeah. Yeah.
不 不 这世上没有地狱
No, no! There is no Hell.
不 不 不 Cory 不 不
No, no, no, Cory. No, no!
听这位漂亮女士的话
Listen to the nice lady, now.
你在地狱逗留了一会儿
You stopped by Hell for a few seconds.
对 明白吗 只有好人才能上天堂 宝贝
Yeah. See, just the good people go to Heaven, sweetie.
对 只有好人 - 但
Yeah, only the good people. - But...
耶稣说他爱每一个人
Jesus said he loves all of his children
而且每个人都能上天堂 不管之前做过什么
and everybody goes to Heaven, no matter what.
不 不 不 朋友们 他只是 - 不 不
No, no, no. Folks, he's just... - No, no.
他只是个孩子 他只是个孩子
He's just a kid. He's just a kid.
而且这不是我们 - 不 不
And this is not what our feelings are... - No, no.
好 - 对此事的看法
Okay. - on this issue.
宝贝 你会不会搞错了 - 对
Honey, maybe you're mistaken... - Yeah.
你可能看错了 - 对
... about what you saw? - Yeah.
不
No.
好吧 那你可能在撒谎
Well, then, maybe you're lying.
但 我确实去了天堂 耶稣也确实这么说过
But, I did go to Heaven and Jesus did say that.
不 - 不
No. - No.
嘘 Cory 嘘 - 对 嘘
Boo, Cory. Boo. - Yeah. Boo.
我同意 嘘 - 嘘 不
I agree. Boo. - Boo. No.
我们可不会就这么坐在这里 任由你亵渎上帝
We will not sit here and have you mock God
把他说成是善恶不分的禽兽 - 不 不 绝不可能
as some all-forgiving monster! - No. No. No way.
是的 好 - 嘘
Right! Yes! - Boo!
嘘 是的
Boo! Yes!
砸他 砸他 - 往他身上砸
Get him. Get him. - Throw it at him.
嘘 - 是
Boo! - Yes!
这是他的想法 - 是的
Those are his thoughts. - Yes!
我觉得他的言论是违法的 或者应当认定为违法
I think it's illegal what he said, or ought to be!
大家都知道地狱的存在
Everyone knows there's a Hell.
没有地狱 天堂就不会美好
Without a Hell, Heaven wouldn't be as nice.
他该感到羞耻
Shame on him.
好 这一切是有科学解释的
Well, there is a scientific explanation for this.
依据我的多年经验 我猜测
It's my educated guess that...