鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

人气分店店长 Duke Pylon主厨
Salem Sandwich Trials, Chef Duke Pylon.
下面介绍一下我们的选手
Now, let's meet our competitors.
第一位是一名离异父亲 有两个宝贝女儿
First up, he's a divorced father with two darling girls.
他白天开着一家硬面包圈店
He runs a bagel shop by day
晚上在一个UFO翻唱乐队表演
and plays in a UFO tribute band at night.
来自圣地亚哥的Gregg Sharick厨师
From San Diego, Chef Gregg Sharick.
Gregg厨师 你为什么参加"鲨鱼厨房♥"呢
Chef Gregg, what brings you to Shark Kitchen?
嗯 因为我喜爱食物
Well, I just love food
而且我想让大家知道 单身父亲有多炫酷
and I wanna show everyone that single dads rock.
下面是来自加利福尼亚阿克塔的Peter Richie厨师
Up next, Chef Peter Richie, from Arcata, California,
他是行政总厨 也是三个孩子的父亲
is an executive chef and a father of three young children.
据我了解 Peter
And I understand, Peter,
你的孩子们最近经历了一场灾难
that your children recently underwent quite a tragedy?
是的 卡梅拉飓风让我们失去了一切
Yeah, it's true. Uh, we lost everything in Hurricane Carmela.
因此我很想让孩子们明白
And it's really important to me to show my kids
任何困难都是能够克服的
that you can persevere through any hardship
而且 物质财富与亲情相比
and that, you know, material possessions don't mean anything
并不算什么
when compared to family love.
让我们为他欢呼 - 谢谢
Hurrah for that! - Thank you.
的确够艰难的
Yeah, that is tough stuff.
下一位选手是Chrissy厨师
Up next, we have Chef Chrissy.
她在旧金山开着一家自己的早餐店
She owns her own breakfast
名叫"嘿甜心我是火腿"
spot in San Francisco, Hey, Honey, I'm Ham!
Chrissy厨师 你为什么要参赛呢
Chef Chrissy, what brings you here?
你们猜怎么着 我是个聋子
Well, guys, guess what? I'm deaf.
我来这里是想向全世界的聋人证明
I'm here to prove to deaf people everywhere
我们也可以做饭
that we can cook too.
同时也想告诉那些耳聋的小女孩
And also to all the little, uh, girls out there who are deaf,
只要你相信自己 就没有什么做不到
if you believe in yourself, you can do anything!
观点感人 外表迷人 - 加油吧 女孩
Oh, beautiful sentiment, beautiful lady. - Yeah. You go, girl.
我能插一句吗 我也经常和女儿们说
All right, can I just say, I also tell my girls all the time,
只要你相信自己 就没有什么做不到
"If you believe in yourself, you can do anything."
嗯 我今天早上还和一个女儿说来着 嗯
So, told one of 'em that this morning, so...
让我们为Chrissy厨师鼓掌
Let's applaud for Chef Chrissy.
我觉得我们知道了 谢谢 - 好
I think we've covered that, thank you. - Okay.
好了 鲨鱼在打转 大家来做饭
All right. The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
现在 每位厨师面前都有一块鲨鱼
Now, each chef gets one piece of shark...
呃 等一下 有一件事我忘提了
Uh, one second, one thing I forgot to mention.
嗯 我的一个女儿也有点迟钝
Uh, one of my daughters is also a little slow, too.
她 呃 她有学习障碍
She has, uh... she has learning disabilities.
呃 评委们怎么看这件事
Uh, what do the judges think about that?
这种情况也许会有些棘手
That could be a bit of a difficult situation.
的确如此 谢谢
It is, thank you.
有很多资源可以帮助你处理这个问题
There's plenty of resources to help you with that.
嗯 太好了 多谢 - 好了
Okay. Great, thank you. - All right.
鲨鱼在打转 大家来做饭
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
你可能觉得20 - 关于规则我有个小问题
Now, you may not think 20... - Uh, quick question on the rules.
哈 现在提问合适吗 - 好的
Yeah, now's the time for that, I guess. - Okay.
呃 我听说当一个人的感觉
Uh, I've heard that when someone has a sense...
如果他们丧失某种感觉功能
they're missing one of their senses,
那么其他感觉功能就会 像打了鸡血一样
that the other senses are, kind of... They're goosed, your...
嗯 我是说
They kinda come...
功能就会变强
up higher in power.
这就意味着Chrissy厨师
And that would mean Chef Chrissy
眼睛比我尖 鼻子比我灵
has better eyeballs to see with and nose-smelling than me.
这不公平 这就让我变得像残疾人一样
That's not fair. That makes me a handicapped person.
不 不是这样的
No, that's not true.
我不同意这种说法 - 完全不同意
Not gonna agree there. - No. Not at all.
好吧 谢谢你们澄清这一点
Okay, thanks for clearing that up.
好了 厨师们
All right, chefs.
鲨鱼在打转 大家来做饭
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
现在 厨师们将有 - 哦操 我妻子是盲人
Now, the chefs are gonna have... - Oh, shit, my wife is blind!
哦 我妻子是法律承认的盲人
Oh, my wife is legally blind!
你妻子 - 是的
Your wife? - Yes.
你才了说你是一名单身父亲
You just said that you were a single dad.
我的前妻 我应该这么说的 天哪
My ex-wife. I should have said. God! Uh... Oh!
我应该说我女儿们的母亲是盲人
I should say my daughters' mother is blind.
所以她不能开车 晚上不能开
And she can't drive... at night.
她不能开车 不戴眼镜就不能 因此
She shouldn't drive, not without glasses, so...
今晚 我要为了我妻子的新眼睛而比赛
Tonight, I am playing for new eyes for my wife.
我前妻 那样更好 所以 - 我们能开始了吗
My ex-wife. That's even better, so... - Okay. Can we start?
可以 我们能开始了吗 当然可以
Yeah, can we start? Yeah.
哦 还有 嗯
Oh! Also, um...
我想发起一个慈善活动
a charity that I'd like to start,
帮助那些丧失家园的人们 是因为火山吧
which will help people who've had... A volcano?
你是说飓风吗 - 被飓风吹走房♥子的人们
You mean hurricanes? - A hurricane on their house.
这就意味着如果我今晚获胜
That means that if I win tonight,
这将同时会使Peter厨师获益 因此
then that will also help Chef Peter, so...
好 我谢谢你 - 啊 不用谢
Okay, thanks, I guess. - Okay, well, you're welcome.
这很不错 好了
That's great. So... all right.
对 我还要为 呃 盲童举办慈善活动
And also a charity for, uh, well, blind kids
因为 嗯 我要给他们安装全新的眼睛 嗯
'cause, uh, I'm gonna get them fresh new eyes, so...
不是随便装的眼睛
Not just any eyes.
我要拿掉坏人们的眼睛 呃
I'm gonna take eyes from, uh... bad people...
那些谋杀犯和种族主义者的
uh, murderers and racists,
然后我要把他们的眼睛
and I'm gonna...
从脑袋里挖出来 塞进那些孩子的眼眶
pop 'em out of their head and stick it in the kid's eye.
这主意很好 对吧
That's good, right?
不好 - 不好
No. - No.
呃 抱歉
Uh, excuse me.
问下 他还在说吗 - 他快说完了 相信我们
Guys, is he still talking? - Yeah, he's done. Believe us.
好了 他说完了 - 操♥他♥妈♥的
Okay, he's done. - Fuck! Shit!
嘿 嘿 嘿 嘿 我们在电视直播呢
Hey, hey, hey, hey! We are on live television right now.
啊 嗯 你知道的
Yeah, all right, well, I'm...
我天生就有抽动秽语综合征 所以是
You know, I'm coming down with Tourette's, so it's...
这是周期性发作的 这是周期性发作的
It's seasonal, it's seasonal.
搞他丫的
Cock! Tits!
好了 这并不好笑
Okay, that's not funny.
你猜怎么着 我觉得应该没收他那两杯水
You know what? I think we should take his two cups of water away.
什么 不要 - 抱歉 但如果你总是打断
What? No! - I'm sorry, if you keep interrupting...
好吧 UFO
Okay, UFO.
我在
I'm in...
我在UFO模仿乐队 你明白吗
I'm in a UFO tribute band! Did you hear that?
我都进不了Kiss模仿乐队啊 拜托
I couldn't even get into a Kiss tribute band? Come on.
他们都不允许我们演奏UFO的歌♥曲
We're not even allowed to play the songs of UFO.
他们还告我们 我们还得改歌♥词
They sued us! We have to change the lyrics.
不能唱"医生医生" 只能改成"牙医牙医"
We can't sing "Doctor Doctor." We have to sing "Dentist Dentist."
很悲伤的故事 对吧
Now that's pretty sad, right?
是啊 比聋了还糟糕
Yeah, that's worse than being deaf.
没错 比聋了还糟糕
There! It's worse than being deaf!
好的 来吧 鲨鱼在打转
Great! Let's go! Sharks are circling!
好的 厨师们
All right, chefs.
鲨鱼在打转 大家来做饭
The sharks are circling, let's get to cooking.
我们超时了
And we're out of time.
操 - 操
Fuck! - Fuck!
好 我是Gilvin Daughtry
Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry,
呃 代表抵♥制♥权利滥用联盟
uh, with Citizens Against Unlawful Abuse,
我被拦下来了
and I am being made to stop
看样子是要进行突击检测
at what looks like an impromptu checkpoint,
在拉辛街和惠林顿街路口
here on the corner of Racine and Wellington.
呃 我将向你们展示
And, uh, I'm going to show you
在面对警方骚扰时 如何维护自己的权利
how to maintain your rights in the face of police harassment.
你好 先生 请把窗户摇下来 好吗
Hello, sir. Can you roll down your window, please?
警官 我想告诉你
Sir, I want to tell you
我是一名合法的美国公民
that I'm a legal citizen of the United States
还是一名宪♥政♥主义者
and a constitutionalist.
呃 我还要告知你 我现在正在录像
And, um, to inform you that you're being taped right now.
嗯 好的 请把窗户摇下来
Uh-huh. Okay. Well, roll your window down, please.
我摇下车窗 只因为州法律要求我这么做
I'm only required by state law to roll down my window
以便沟通交流和检查证件
just enough to facilitate conversation and passage of documents.