鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

咋啦
What?
全完了 Mike - 什么全完了
The jig is up, Mike. - And what jig would that be?
吃肉这事儿
The meat jig.
你不能再吃牛肉了
You've got to quit with the beef
还有其他高脂肪的食物
and the fatty foods.
你甘油三酯高得离谱
Your triglycerides are off the charts.
但是我好喜欢吃肉 那我还能不能吃
Oh, but I love meat. Oh, can I still have those...
不行 火鸡不行 犹太洁食不行 是肉都不行
No! No turkey, no kosher, no meat.
那意式香肠披萨呢
How about pepperoni pizza?
一点都不好笑 Mike
This isn't funny, Mike.
我没在跟你开玩笑 这不是演戏 先生
I'm not joking and this ain't no show, mister.
一年以后见
I'll see you in a year...
但愿能见
hopefully.
我尽力而为
I'll do my best.
1998年 有两个男人 一个叫Bob 另一个叫David
In the year 1998, two men, one named Bob, the other David,
终于做完了一档鲜为人知的喜剧节目
finally finished the run of a little-known comedy program
随后立刻爬进了这台真时光机
and immediately climbed into this real time travel machine.
并将时间设定到2015年
They set the clock for the year 2015.
时光机到达了他们选定的时刻
The machine has arrived at the chosen moment
他们即将看见自己的未来
and they will now see what their future holds.
终于到了 2015年
Here we are. The year 2015.
还真穿越了 这时光机是真的
It worked! The time machine is real!
嘿 他们终于来啦
Hey, they finally made it!
Paul F. Tompkins John Ennis
Paul F. Tompkins! John Ennis!
Jill Brian Jay 你们几个还活得好好的
Jill! Brian! Jay! You guys are all still hanging around.
我的天 Bob 他们好老
God, Bob, they're so old!
天哪 你们几个 岁月还真不饶人
Oh, my God, you guys... you've seriously aged.
是啦 但你们看看自己 恶心死了
Yeah, uh, well, look at yourselves. It's disgusting.
就是 你俩比我们还老
Yeah. You guys are older than us.
不可能 我们可是坐时光机来的
We can't be older because we traveled in this time machine.
我们眼见着你俩坐进去的 那是16年前的事了
Uh, we watched you get in that and that was 16 years ago.
对啊哥们 那玩意儿就在那儿放了16年
Yeah, dude, it just sat there for 16 years.
老天爷啊 什么怪味儿
Jesus, what's that smell?
哦 呃 - Brian 你最好别进
Oh, uh... - Brian, you don't wanna go in...
对 那个 - 呕
Yeah, that... - Ugh!
卧♥槽♥ 你们这16年都在里面上大号♥啊
Oh, my God! Did you guys shit in there for 16 years?
等等 我们的确穿越时空了 对吧
But, wait, we did travel in time, right?
你俩16年前坐进了时光机里
I mean, you got in that machine 16 years ago
现在16年过去了 也就是说
and then 16 years passed, so...
不对 这真是时光机 博士是这么说的
No, it's a real time travel machine. That's what the doctor said.
对对 Gilly Fartsworth博士 货真价实 童叟无欺
Yeah, Dr. Gilly Fartsworth! He was a real doctor.
博士的意思可能是
Maybe what the doctor meant was
这是一台真实时光机
it was a real-time travel machine.
对 这下就说得通了
Oh, right, there we go.
所以 你们的确穿越时空了 只不过是按真实时间算的
So, I mean, you did travel through time, but just in real-time.
所以 这玩意儿 就是个箱子
So, it's, uh... it's a box.
能用来拉屎的箱子
That you shit in.
豪华型的才有这个功能
Well, yeah, if you get the deluxe model.
你俩被坑惨了
Oh, you guys got ripped off.
David 我们必须得做一件事
David... there's one thing we gotta do.
拉个屎 不是吗 - 不是啦
Take a sh... Right? No? - No.
我们必须回到16年前
We gotta go back in time 16 years
找Gilly Fartsworth博士把钱讨回来
and get our money back from Dr. Gilly Fartsworth!
哇哦 我们回来了 这真是16年前吗
Whoa, here we are! But is it 16 years ago?
Bob 你真的老了好多
Whoa, Bob, you look really old.
David 你真的老得好假
Well, David, you look really fake-old.
David Bob 你们成功了 你们在时间里来回穿越了
David! Bob! You made it! You traveled back and forth in time!
呃 哥们儿 你卖♥♥了个厕所给我们
Uh, dude, you sold us a toilet.
你在说什么啊
I don't know what you're talking about.
你们几秒钟之前
You just got inside the
才刚刚进到时光机里
real time travel machine a few seconds ago.
David 他说得有理
David, he's got a point.
我们的确刚刚穿回来
We did just travel back in time just now.
有些厉害 - 好 也就是说我成功了
Kind of amazing. - All right! So I did it!
才怪 除非我们不会随着穿越的时间变老
No, you would've done it if we traveled through time
你才算得上是成功
without aging the exact amount of time we traveled.
时光机可以做到啊
Well, it can do that.
来吧 我做给你看 我给你演示行不
Come on, let me show. Can I show you?
看 这是控制面板
See, that's your control panel,
可以设定你想去的日期
so you can pick which date you want to go to.
你俩设定成了真实时间 这是选项之一
You guys have it set to real-time. That's option one.
你们也可以按这个按钮
Or you can hit this button here,
把"真实"二字去掉
take that hyphen right out of there.
这样它就成了真的时光机里啦
Now you've got a real time travel machine.
你们秒秒钟就可以穿越了
And you can travel through time in nanoseconds!
这就行了吗 - 就这么简单 这个"去真实"键
That's it? - That's it. It's the de-hyphenator.
是整台机器的精髓所在
It's really the most impressive part of the machine.
那我们以后再穿越 年龄也不会随之增加咯
So, now when we travel through time, we won't age anymore?
不会 呃 可能会大个几分钟
No! Uh, well, a few minutes
或者你们可以按这个键
or you can hit this button right here.
启动减龄功能
That activates the age-decreaser.
不过你们真的想这么做吗
But I don't know if you'd want anything like that.
废话 要的就是这个效果
Of course we want something like that!
减龄吗 当然想 你怎么不早说
Age-decreaser? Yes! Why didn't you tell us?
谁不想越活越年轻 - 知道啦 知道啦
Everyone needs one of those. - Okay, okay!
哇哦 我们成功了 我们又回到当下了
Wow, we did it! We're back in the present.
David 你搞毛啊
David? Oh, come on!
一下下就好 Bob 我中午吃了羊肉三明治
Just give me a minute, Bob. I had the lamb jaffir for lunch.
哈 这个说得好 我就用这个好了
Oh! That's a good one. I'll use that.
谁让你们自己弃牌了
Because you guys bailed on yourselves...
Drew 这盘你要来吗
Hey, Drew, you in this hand?
没错 - 要 你等下
Yeah. - Yeah, hang on.
天哪 你家厕所闻起来像时光机一样
Geez! Your toilet smells like a time machine!
真是本好书 - 时机不错
Such a good book. - That is ripe!
来吧 芝加哥扑克 十是百搭牌 跟二
Okay. Seven card Chicago, tens are wild, follow the twos.
好 开始吧 - 这把感觉不错
Yeah, I am in! All right! - I'm feeling good.
我有个问题
Uh, here's a question.
今年有谁定新年目标了吗
Did anybody make a New Year's resolution this year?
别提了 - 可能吧
Oh, come on, man! - Maybe.
那么下一个问题 有人照做了吗
Follow up question... uh, has anybody kept them?
我倒是真的在卖♥♥♥房♥♥子
I actually put my house on the market.
什么 - 你来真的啊
What? - Oh, you're doing it?
是的 我把仓库的工作辞了
Yeah, I'm quitting my job at the warehouse,
给Brian办了退学
I took Brian out of school,
买♥♥了去好莱坞的机票 终于要去实现梦想了
I got plane tickets to Hollywood and I'm gonna do it. Finally.
我要拍一部高投入 合众口 揽大奖的电影
I'm gonna direct big budget, crowd-pleasing, award-winning films.
想法不错哦 - 棒极了
That's so nice. - Well, that's awesome!
为你高兴 - 谢了 哥们儿 我好激动
Good for you, man. - Thanks, buddy. I'm excited.
等一等 抱歉了 所以说 Kyle
Wait, I'm sorry. So, Kyle...
你觉得自己能直接成为好莱坞的大导演
you're just gonna become a major Hollywood director?
没错 Mike 跟上节奏啊
Yeah, Mike, keep up.
我也在实现梦想的路上了 认真的
Yeah, uh, me? I'm doing it too, man, for real.
Tanya把地下室全权交给我了
Tanya's letting me take over the basement,
我卖♥♥了卡车 买♥♥了一板溴
sold the truck, got a pallet of bromine...
我准备好了 我要开一家手♥机♥公♥司♥
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna start my own cell phone company!
厉害 有想法 - 太棒了
Awesome! That's awesome. - That's great!
很简单的 只要
You know, simple, just...
设计个手♥机♥ 制♥造♥个手♥机♥ 弄清楚那个
you know, design a phone, build a phone, sort out the...
蜂窝信♥号♥♥啥的 - 信♥号♥♥格什么的
you know, cellular signal thing. - The bar thing.
管它叫什么
Whatever that's called, yeah.
然后 哄
And then, boom!
小心了三星 手♥机♥届又多了颗新星
Tough titties, Samsung! There's a new kid on the block.
没错 - 为你高兴 兄弟
All right! - Good for you, pal!
你清楚三星这家公♥司♥有多大吧
You know that Samsung is, like, a huge company, right?
拜托 - 嗯 我知道啊
Come on! - Yeah, I know that.
那你的销量怎样才能超过他们呢
Well, how are you gonna outsell them?
因为我的手♥机♥就是比三星的好 混♥蛋♥
'Cause it's gonna be a better product, asshole!
我的手♥机♥会自带一个可变焦镜头
You know, it's gonna have a camera with a zoom lens.
还能装软件 反正就是更好啦
It's gonna take apps and... Just a better...
Mike 你能不能好好听人说话
Mike, use your ears to listen.