鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

原告宣称自己被被告残暴地攻击
who claims he was brutally attacked
并留下了肉体和精神上的伤疤
and still has the physical and mental scars to show for it.
Andy要求Chazz补偿医疗费用及精神创伤
Andy is suing Chazz for medical costs and emotional trauma
让我们共同关注 爆米花暴击案件
in the Case of the Popcorn Punch-Out.
所有人都坐好
All remain seated.
今天"不荒唐"George Jackson法官在休假
Tonight, Judge George "No Nonsense" Jackson is on vacation.
由"略荒唐"Sandy Whistleton法官代为审理
Filling in, Judge Sandy "Some Nonsense" Whistleton.
法官大人
Your Honor.
好啊 那我们就开始吧
All righty. Here we go!
来了 啊
Here it comes. All right. Oh! Yep.
没错 哇呜 全新的体验啊
Okay, whoa! Well, this is new here.
我应该 我应该做什么呢 就坐在那儿吗
What do I... What do I do? Just sit in it?
对 法官大人 就坐在那里 - 好 那让我们
Yes, sir, just sit right in it. - Okay, let's give this a...
你拍一 我拍一 看看是什么情况
One, two, buckle my shoe. See how this goes.
好了 来看看今晚的主角是谁
All right, what do we have here tonight?
Chazz Maloney和Andy Duane
Chazz Maloney and Andy Duane.
你们中有一位是拳击手还有 谁是谁啊
Uh, one of you is a fighter and, uh, which one's which?
我是拳击手 先生 - 别打我
I'm the fighter, sir. - Don't hit me!
我不会打人的 - 好
I'm not gonna hit anyone. - Yeah.
好了 我要听双方的说法
Okay, now I wanna hear both sides,
可以吗 原告 你 你先说
okay? Plaintiff, you, you go first.
他当时都要把我打死了 法官大人
He almost killed me, sir.
我被他打断鼻子 撕裂嘴唇 还扭伤胳膊
He broke my nose, he split my lip, he twisted my arm.
我的医生说他让我双侧肘关节过伸
My doctor says he hyper-extended both of my elbows.
他还把我压得死死的
And he pinned me!
呃 那是一场误会
Uh, it was all a misunderstanding.
我当时在拳击环场里 几个月来一直在训练
I was in the ring, I had been training for months,
我在等待对手 结果他就那么走了进来
waiting for my opponent, and then he just walks in.
我不是去和你打架的 好吗
No! I didn't go to fight you, okay?
法官大人 我根本没想跟人打架
Sir, I didn't wanna fight anyone.
可是你的确进到了拳击环场里面
Okay, but you were in the ring.
谁知道那是拳击"环"场 它明明是方形的
Didn't know it was a ring. It's a square.
法官大人 怎么会有"环"场是方形的
Sir, what kind of a ring is a square?
不存在那样的东西 这都是胡编的
There is no such thing. That's made up. Okay.
好吧 但场馆只有那儿才可能是拳击场
All right, but it was the only space like that.
我只是想抄近道去那个该死的零售区域
I was just taking a shortcut to the goddamn concession area,
结果你就开始暴打我
and then you started banging me around!
哦 我是一名拳击手 我的工作就是打人
Okay, well, I'm a fighter. That's what I do.
我不知道那栋建筑里发生着什么
I didn't know what was going on in that building.
我只是想买♥♥点爆米花
I just wanted some popcorn and I...
你居然管斯台普斯中心叫"那栋建筑"
"That building"? The Staples Center?
管它叫什么呢
Whatever it's called.
我不知道每栋建筑叫什么 法官大人
I don't know the name of every building, sir.
好多建筑我都不认识
I don't know 'em.
看在圣彼得份上 怎么可能有谁
Honest to Pete! I mean, how can anyone be asked to know
能熟知洛杉矶的每栋建筑物
every single building in Los Angeles?
好吧 但你为何会逛进一座巨型体育馆呢
Okay, well, why would you wander into a massive arena?
我是去买♥♥爆米花 早就说过了
To buy popcorn! I already told you!
别和我玩踢皮球的游戏 你赢不了我
Don't play the blame game with me. You'll lose!
你说得很有道理
That's a very good point.
我不想再从你口中听到托词
When you talk, I don't wanna hear excuses.
我只想听到事实
I just wanna hear facts from you.
好的 他当时穿着拳击短裤
Okay, well, he was wearing fighting shorts.
我说了现在没轮到你说话
I just said it's not your turn to talk!
你继续说
Go ahead.
那条拳击短裤是我的内♥裤♥
Fighting shorts are my underwear!
我独自在家 想"花"钱买♥♥点爆米"花"
I was home alone, I popped out to get popcorn...
看到了吗 "花"有两个意思
See, there's two ways to pop.
法官 闭嘴
Judge, shut up.
我一个人小鬼当家 看着电影<小鬼当家>
I was home alone watching the film Home Alone...
我能说句话吗 - 嘘
Can I talk? - Shh.
我出去花钱买♥♥爆米花
I popped out to get popcorn.
我穿过马路 看到前面有个小伙子
I walked across the street. There was a fella out front.
我过去问他里面卖♥♥不卖♥♥爆米花 他说卖♥♥
I asked him if they sold popcorn inside. He said yes.
我就花49美元买♥♥了张门票 加上附加税
So, I paid $49 for a ticket, plus surcharges...
进去以后我看见一片空地 就走了过去
I went inside, I saw an open area, I walked towards it,
从几根围绳之间钻了进去
climbed through a couple of ropes,
然后你就开始猛揍我
and then you started whaling on me!
是的 不过是他先打我的
Okay, but he punched me first!
这是真的吗 Duane先生 你先攻击他的吗
Is this true, Mr. Duane? Did you strike him first?
我问他这里卖♥♥不卖♥♥爆米花
I asked him if they sold popcorn.
他无视了我 我当然打了他
He ignored me... so, yes, I punched him!
因为他太粗鲁了
He was rude!
好吧 我都道过歉了
Okay, I said I was sorry.
你要再敢打断我讲话 我还会打你 听到没
You interrupt me one more time and I'll punch you again, brother!
先生 请保持冷静
Sir, please stay in control.
好了 停 停下 停 停 停 停 好了
Okay, all right, stop! Stop it! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Okay.
抱歉这么说 但你就是有毛病好吗
I'm sorry, you're out of order here, okay?
一个男人穿着睡衣走进你的比赛区域
A man walks into your place of business in his pajamas
你就开始不停狂扁他
and you start punching him around,
给他尝了你那老拳的厉害
give him the old one-two up the kazoo?
别想了 在我的法庭上不允许 你个精神病人
Uh-uh! Not in my courtroom, Sally Anne.
至于你
And you...
你没错
you're right.
如果你没错 你就没错
When you're right, you're right.
我支持你 小鬼
I got to hand it to you, kiddo,
你势不可挡的在这里
you came in here like a house on fire,
夸夸其谈 说服了我
barnstorming, you made your points.
你说得很好
Good schmuckus on ya.
好了 我支持原告的主张
All right, well, I find for the plaintiff.
他想要什么给什么 明白了吗
Give him whatever he wants, okay?
弄清楚他想要什么 然后都给他 算我的 明白吗
Find out what he wants, give it to him, on me, okay?
好了 我的工作完成了 嗯 我
All right, so that's all for me. That... I was...
我现在要走了 我要 我该怎么
Okay, I'm gonna leave now. What do I... How do I...
您只要站起来 法官先生 然后走开
You just stand up, sir, and walk away.
接下来 她说自己将车停在了他的车♥库♥过夜
Up next, she says, she left her car overnight at his garage
但当她去取车时 车载收音机不见了
and when she came to retrieve it, the radio was gone.
他说这不可能
He says that's impossible.
车♥库♥上了锁 而且只有她有钥匙
The garage is locked and only she has the key.
请收看本期案例
In the case of the car
有人持有钥匙的车♥库♥中的车
in the garage that somebody has the key to.
代替"略荒唐"Sandy Whistleton法官的
Filling in for Judge Sandy "Some Nonsense" Whistleton
是"巨荒唐"Gibby Whangdoodle法官
is Judge Gibby "All Nonsense" Whangdoodle.
这才是完美的睡前小酌
Now, that's what I call a real nightcap!
嘭
Boo!
George法官由洛歪克赞助播出
Judge George is brought to you by Prilo-Vac.
亲爱的 今天还是吃赫歇尔
Honey, it looks like Herschel's again!
当你像个地主儿子般胡吃海塞的时候
When you eat like a giant baby with money,
你的胃会如同但丁笔下的地狱般灼烧
your stomach can feel like Dante's Inferno.
这时就算是教皇也会向洛歪克求助
That's when even the pope reaches for Prilo-Vac.
耶
Yee-haw!
嗷呜
Whoo-hoo!
洛歪克能瞬间清除体内所有垃圾
Prilo-Vac clears everything out in seconds
让你的傻♥逼♥身体不再叽叽歪歪 拿出点男人的样子
and tells your stupid body to quit its screaming and man up!
洛歪克会直视着你的胃
Prilo-Vac looks your stomach right in the eye
然后说 不服来干
and says, "Ride this!" Yee-haw!
上帝保佑
Bless me, Lord,
我能像个白♥痴♥一样随心所欲地大吃特吃
I can eat like a fucking idiot with no repercussions.
洛歪克
Prilo-Vac...
我是Charlene Boyeur
I'm Charlene Boyeur.
今晚的嘉宾是电影导演Peter Allison Montcrief
My guest tonight is film director Peter Allison Montcrief,
他的新电影 <更好的根>
whose new film, Better Roots,
展现了美国历史上最不光彩的一页
takes on the most disgraceful chapter in American history,
也就是<根>的上映
the showing of Roots.
让我们欢迎Peter带来他的分集电视电影<更好的根>
With his multi-part TV film, Better Roots, Peter, welcome.
谢谢你 Charlene
Charlene, thank you.
尊严 这个词
Now, the word "Dignity," It's
很少会与讲奴隶制的电影产生关联
not often associated with films about slavery.
呃 我们并不用那个词
Well, we don't use that word.
尊严 - 不 是另一个词
Dignity? - No, the other word.