鲍勃大卫二人秀（1995）

好吧 行 我这个人最讲究公平公正了
Okay, yes, I'm nothing if not an equitable fair man.
那我就退几步 大家回到同一起跑线
So I will do something to even us out.
我 额 我这儿有什么 啊哈 对
I, uh... What do I have? A-ha! Yes!
那我就喝下这一整瓶夜间止咳糖浆
I shall drink this entire bottle of Nite Time cough syrup.
嗯
Mmm!
喝光好了 一口都别剩
Finish it all now, every dram.
再来几口
Few more drams.
嗯
Mmm!
瓶里原来有这么多
Fuller than I remember it.
现在 狩猎开始
Now, the hunt can begin.
你倒轻松 - 什么 怎么轻松了
Easy enough for you. - What? How is that easy? What...
你刚刚喝光了这岛上最后一瓶抗组胺剂
You just drank all the antihistamine on this jungle island.
再看看我 丛林搞得我鼻子都过敏了
And here I am, my sinuses stuffed with jungle allergies.
哈哈 好算计啊 先生 - 不 这我可没想到
Ha-ha! Clever plan, sir. - No, that was never part of any plan.
啊哈
A-ha!
好吧 Jacobs 我懂了
All right, Jacobs, I get it.
过敏反应麻痹了你的感官
Your allergies have dulled your senses.
好吧 行
All right, fine!
那我也 麻痹一下自己的感官 这样我们就回到同一起跑线了
I, too, shall dull my senses to make it an even fight.
是的 哈哈 那我把鱼缸套在头上
Yes! Ha-ha! I will wear this fishbowl on my head.
这样感官就迟钝了
That will dull my senses.
一个空鱼缸 一个干净得不能再干净的鱼缸
An empty fishbowl? As clear as the clearest thing ever?
不 而是一个养着丛林鱼的鱼缸
No! But, rather, a fishbowl filled with jungle fish!
一个上下颠倒的鱼缸怎么装鱼 动动脑子 博士
And how will an upside-down fishbowl hold fish? Think, Doctor!
该死 Jacobs Ken Ken 抱歉 很抱歉 Ken
Damn it, Jacobs! Ken, Ken, sorry. I'm sorry, Ken.
呃 帮我想个主意 成吗
Uh, come on, help me out here, all right?
我是说 - 毒蝎子
I mean... - Poisonous scorpions?
是的 真聪明
Yes! Brilliant!
那就把这个鱼缸装满毒蝎子
I will fill the fishbowl with poisonous scorpions!
只要我一个不小心 就会被蛰死
One clumsy move and I'll be stung to death.
怎么样 - 老样子 你倒轻松
How's that? - Still, quite easy for you.
等一下 这可是你的主意
Wait! This was your idea!
你有 呃
You've got, uh...
一双好靴子
those nice shoes.
走两步 看看合脚吗
Now walk around. See how those fit.
很合适 先生 很合适
They're good, sir. They're good.
但我希望你能在脖子上挂几根香肠
But I do wish you'd wear sausages around your neck.
抱歉 挂香肠
I'm sorry? Wear sausages?
博士 我浑身散发着恐惧的味道
Doctor, the scent of fear emanating from my body
势必会引来林子里所有的野生动物
will alert every wild animal in the jungle.
你也得有相同的味道 这样才算公平 对吧
You must have an equal scent to balance out mine, yes?
有道理 今天是你的幸运日 Ken
'Tis true! This is your lucky day, Ken.
因为 我这里有串冈德森父子牌腊肠
For, I have with me, a series of bangers from Gunderson and Sons.
而且我跟你说 这腊肠店全靠儿子 好了
And let me tell you, the sons do all the work. All right.
现在 美味的腊肠已挂好
Now, I am positively draped in delicious sausages.
你猜怎么着 现在 我饿了 - Ken
Guess what? Now, I'm hungry. - Ken...
猪排很美味
The pork loin was delicious...
可奶油芦笋更胜一筹
but the creamed asparagus stole the show.
我该把这个放哪儿
Where should I put this?
我听不见你在说啥
I can't hear what you're saying.
我听不见你在说啥
I can't hear what you're saying.
我听不见你在
I can't hear what you're...
我听不见 你在说话吗 - 好的 明白了
I can't hear you. Are you talking? - Okay! I understand.
明白了 明白了 来吧 好的 给我吧
Understood, understood. Here we go. All right. Yes, allow me.
谢谢 - 吃得开心吗
Thank you. - You enjoyed it?
非常好吃 - 好极了
That was very good. - Beautiful!
好了 现在 你心满意足
All right! Now... you are fully sated.
你衣冠楚楚 而我已退无可退
You're well-clothed and I'm fully handicapped.
铃铛带上了吗
You've got the bells on?
肛♥门♥栓剂已就位
And the itching suppositories are in place.
我还喝了两大杯灌肠剂
I drank the two large glasses of colon cleanse,
还把裤子做成了旗子
and I turned my pants into a flag.
现在 狩猎开始
Now... the hunt can begin!
你倒轻松
Easy enough for you.
你说 怎么轻松了 Ken
Well, how is it easy, Ken?
我对你有求必应 我不明白
I've done everything you asked. I don't understand...
你想要枪 是不是
You want the gun, don't you?
不是
No!
拜托 是我啊 Ken
Come on. It's me, Ken.
我又不是猎人 给我枪我都不知道该用哪头
I'm no hunter. I wouldn't know which end to point at you.
博士 你在野外度过了一生 学习着如何狩猎
Doctor... you've spent your life in the wild, learning to hunt.
而我 花了三十年
And I've spent the last 30
坐在办公室里 埋头整理分类账
years behind a desk with my nose in a ledger.
这比赛根本不公平啊
There's no way this is gonna be a fair match.
这是个骗局 博士
This is a charade, Doctor.
是骗局 博士
A charade, Doctor!
对不起 Ken 全搞砸了 都怪我
I'm sorry, Ken. I've let both of us down.
我不知道怎么做才能
I don't know what to do to make...
等下
Wait a second.
我想到了
I have the answer.
简直毫无道理
That makes no sense at all.
嘿 哥们儿 - 怎么
Hey, buddy. - Yes.
我和Justin要去酒吧了 你还要多久搞定
Justin and I are gonna hit the bar. How long you gonna be?
29年4个月13天
Twenty-nine years, four months, and 13 days.
等不了 抱歉
Eh, we're not gonna wait. Sorry.
但这之后我就能狩猎了
But then the hunt... shall begin.
记3 加42
Carry the three, plus 42...
难以置信
Can't believe it took, like,
我们居然花了一个小时才录好音
over an hour to mic us for this thing.
就是说 还只是一个小场景 - 对啊
I know. For a short scene, too. - Yeah.
你有没有什么搞笑的台词 - 没 真没
You got anything funny to say or... - No, not really.
他们什么也没写 - 喔
They didn't write anything. - Oh...
Chuck
Chuck
Chuck Chuck 吧吧 吧啦吧啦吧吧 法 - 别唱了 Ted
Chuck, Chuck,bo-buck Banana-nana-fo... - Yeah, yeah, Ted.
法克 Chuck
Fuck! Chuck!
干嘛呢 傻♥逼♥
What's up, jackoff?
Jeanie离开我了
Well, Jeanie left me.
喔
Oh.
在一起都12年了 你能信吗
After 12 years, man. Can you believe it?
哇哦
Wow!
要这么想 总算解脱了 对不
You know what? Good riddance. Right?
她对你没好处 - 呃
I mean, she was bad for you. - Mmm...
她活着就是个祸害
Dude, she was bad for the world.
得了 哥们儿 她没那么坏
Come on, dude. She wasn't that bad.
抱歉 但是Jeanie这个人 你也知道
No, I'm sorry! But Jeanie was, and you know she was,
大家都知道
and everybody said she was...
就是个贱逼 - 不是
a cunt. - No.
我说错了吗 但她的所作所为就很贱啊
I'm sorry! But she exhibited cunty behavior,
她就是个贱逼 所以才叫她贱逼
and that's why we called her a cunt, 'cause she was a cunt.
连女的都叫她贱逼
Even women called her a cunt.
那什么 怎么了
Did that... What?
她就在我后面对不对
She's right behind me, isn't she?
呃
Oh...
嘿 Jeanie 我
Oh, hey, Jeanie, I...
哇哦
Wow.
呃
Uh...
Jimbo 近来如何 你个人♥渣♥
Jimbo! How you been, douchebag?
其实这周过得挺惨的
Ah, actually, kinda had a tough week.
我老板Ellen把我炒了
Ellen, my boss, she... fired me.
草她丫的 - 别这么说 我活该被炒
Ah, fuck her. - No, man. I totally deserved it.
我老迟到 - 不 她是个大写的贱
I was constantly late. - No, she's a big "C", man.
第二个字逼 合起来怎么念
Followed by a big "U-N-T". And what does that spell?
哥们儿 我真的讲不出口
Dude, I really don't wanna say that word...
贱逼 我说了 她就是个贱逼 以前是现在也是
What? Cunt! I'll say it. She's a cunt, she was and is a cunt.
对 不不不 我要把这个词的使用权从
Yeah. No, no, no, I'm taking the
女权纳粹和女权法♥西♥斯♥那儿拿回来
word back from the feminazis and the femifascists.
贱逼 没错 她是 - Ted
Cunt, there it is! She's... - Ted!
她就在我后面吗
Right behind me, isn't she?
你好 Ellen
Hi, Ellen.
你看起来有点小忧郁啊 Teddy小子
You're looking a little morose there, Teddy boy.