犹太媒婆（2023）

This is one of the blindest dates I've been on.
我一直在想:“我会一见锺情吗?
I've been wondering, is this gonna be love at first sight?
这会是我第一次见到未来妻子吗?”
Is this gonna be the first time I lay eyes on my future wife?
所以...
我非常想赶快开始
So I'm very anxious to get started.
Alexa,我看起来怎么样?
Alexa, how do I look?
我很确定你看起来非常帅
[Alexa] I'm sure you're a knockout,
但听我这个无形的声音一个建议
but take it from someone with no physical form,
美是由内而外散发的
beauty really does come from within.
谢谢你的称讚,我很开心
I... That's quite the compliment. I appreciate that.
(行动吧)
♪ If I could wear those shiny spats ♪
♪ Then all you'd hear is rat-tat-tat ♪
♪ If I could dance like Mr.... ♪
(潘蜜拉)
你好 -妳是潘蜜拉?
Hi! - I'm guessing you're Pamela?
没错,你是史都华?
可以抱一下吗? -我很乐意
Yes. I'm guessing you're Stuart? Can I give you a hug?
我正想问妳 -幸会
I would love to give you a hug. I was just about to ask you that too.
你得弯腰-妳真娇小
Come on down. - You're a tiny thing!
我知道
I know!
你好高,还有一头秀髮
You're tall, with a great head of hair.
我其实没那么高-但大概很多人对妳来说都很高
I'm really not that tall, but I suppose a lot of people are tall to you.
我可能有点...想玩桌球吗?
Wanna play some Ping-Pong?
听说行程表上有这一项
I'm told that's what's on our agenda.
来吧
Let's do it!
你打过桌球吗?
Have you played Ping-Pong before?
其实我之前受过训练...
I actually got some training prior to--
真的?
Were you?
你... -我要用三把球拍
You-- - I'm gonna be using three paddles.
对,你会像机关枪一样打一堆球过来
Yeah, you're gonna just "buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-boom"?
我得说,我很开心妳嘲笑我
I have to tell you, I appreciate you laughing at me.
听说妳是职业喜剧演员
I'm told you're a professional comedian.
一直有人告诉我我很搞笑但我从来没做过专业表演
And I've been told I've been funny, but I never did it professionally.
所以...我现在居于下风
So now I'm... I'm just off my game, like,
妳不会觉得我搞笑 -别担心
"She's not gonna think I'm funny."Don't worry.
我可以在舞台上搞笑 但在约会时难多了
I can be funny on stage, but on dates, it's much harder.
妳是巡演喜剧演员? -对
You're a road comic? - Yeah.
我到处跑,跟企业团队和大学合作
I travel. I work with corporate teams, colleges.
我都公开说我有妥瑞症
I talk openly about having Tourette Syndrome.
你肯定有注意到我会抽动
I'm sure you noticed I'm a little twitchy,
尤其是我现在有点紧张
especially 'cause I'm nervous.
我以为是因为妳心跳有点快 -确实...
I thought it was your heart going pitter-patter.
我也有那样没错
That's... That's happening too.
我绝对猜不到妳有妥瑞症
I would never have guessed that.
准备好了吗? -好了
Ready? - Okay.
♪ I wanna take you to a new sensation ♪
♪ Letting loose, yeah, we can make... ♪
我真的很佩服她全职靠表演维生
I'm definitely impressed that she's making a full-time living at what she does.
那是我想做的事
It's something I aspire to do.
而且说真的
And in all seriousness,
她还不知道我的问题
she doesn't know all my issues yet.
这让我有种占上风的感觉
I have a feeling I got her topped.
所以就看命运有什么安排了
So, um, we'll just have to see what fate has in store for us.
有部电影叫...《独领风♥骚♥》吧?
What's that movie? Clueless?
有个角色不喜欢球朝脸飞来说那很吓人
She's like, "I don't like balls flying at my face." This is intimidating.
《独领风♥骚♥》?我没看过 -你没看过?
I've never seen it. - You've never seen Clueless?!
对了,我得先说
Oh, and I should mention...
我受不了有哈比人的电影
I cannot stand movies with Hobbits.
好吧,身为137公分高的人... 开玩笑的
Okay, as someone who's four foot six... I'm kidding!
我无法产生共鸣
I can't relate to it,
《星际大战》也是,充斥怪异人种
like Star Wars, with all these weird people.
你不喜欢? -我不想搞懂那些
You don't like it? - I don't wanna deal with it.
我也讨厌《星际大战》
I also hate Star Wars.
妳真厉害
Oh, you're good.
我觉得我已经...
快被打爆了
I feel my ass has been sufficiently kicked at this sport,
好的 -我该见好就收
so maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.
妳觉得移♥动♥到吧台怎么样?
What do you think about moving over to the bar?
没问题,-同意吗?
I'm all about that. - You good with that?
同意
Yeah.
我对妳的球技印象深刻
I was impressed with your Ping-Pong skills though.
妳什么时候发现自己蛮搞笑的?
When did you first realize you were somewhat funny?
我至今都不太确定
Still not totally sure.
那你呢?你何时开始玩音乐的?
What about you? When did you start doing music?
我从很小的时候
You know, when I was really young,
就开始在週六早上学吉他
I started taking guitar lessons on Saturday mornings.
那你会自己写歌♥吗? -会
So do you write your own? - I do.
你的灵感都从哪裡来?
What inspires your music?
你写怎样的歌♥?
What do you write about?
不管出于什么原因
You know, for whatever the reason is,
我都发现痛苦、心痛和忧鬱
I find pain, heartache, depression
比好事更能带给人灵感
more inspiring than the good stuff,
所以我很担心 万一我们一拍即合并结婚
so I'm worried if we hit it off and get married
然后我下半辈子都过得很开心
and I'm happy the rest of my life,
我哪来的灵感?
where am I gonna get material from?
那可不行
I won't allow
我不会让你开心的 -好吧
you to be happy. - All right.
妳会唠叨我到一定的程度 -所以别担心...
So... - You'll nag me enough that--
我会欺负你到刚刚好的程度
I'll bully you just enough.
不晓得,就算只是听
I don't know, even as a listener,
如果听到歌♥词是
just a song that goes,
“天啊,今天阳光普照...”
"Oh, wow, today the sun's shining..."
我对喜剧也有同感
That's how I feel about comedy.
在所有艺术中
In all art,
我都喜欢某种程度的脆弱
I like some degree of vulnerability in it.
随便挑三首我的歌♥来听
If you just pick any three of my songs,
妳都会发现听之前所不知道的我的事
you're gonna know something about me that you didn't know going in.
当喜剧演员在台上展现脆弱时
When comedians are vulnerable on stage,
那让我感受更深,我想... -没错
that just speaks to me more. I think that's...
我总觉得,如果我对 喜剧演员的真实人生一无所知
I've been known to say if a comedian gets offstage
我会无法享受他的表演
and I don't know anything about them as a person, I didn't enjoy it.
我可能会笑出来
Like, I might have laughed,
但我会想知道背后的故事
but I love to get to know stories.
我想那才是我喜欢 喜剧的地方,就是故事
Like, that's what I think I love about comedy, is stories.
所以...对 -同意
I agree. I agree. - Yeah?
我写了一些关于我双亲过世的歌♥
I have songs I've written about both my parents passing.
是最近吗?还是...
Was it recent for you or...
算是不久之前
It's been pretty recent. Um...
我从没想过我会走到这一步
我是独子,没有家人
I never thought I'd be in this position. I'm an only child, and I have no family.
只有几个平常不联络的亲戚
I have a couple of cousins I don't talk to.
虽然绝非必要
I mean, it certainly isn't mandatory,
但如果我的对象来自大家庭
but the idea of being with someone with a big family that embraces me
而他们能接纳我,那会很吸引我
is something that appeals to me.
我爸过世了 -我很遗憾
So my dad died. - I'm sorry to hear that.
我... -妳很年轻
I've got-- - You're very young.
我是说,我也很年轻
I mean, I'm young too, but...
我们可以聊聊年龄差异他过世的时候我...
We could address our age difference. - He died when I was really...
噢,好啊
Yeah. Well. Yeah.
妳先说完吧 -好的
Finish what you were saying.
他过世的时候我还小
He died when I was young.
但我、我妈和我姊妹
But me, my mom, and sister are
就像一个小部落,感情紧密
like a little tribe. We're very close.
妳们就像霹雳娇娃那样?
You're like Charlie's Angels together? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
没错,只是更刻薄又不体面
Except more snarky and inappropriate.
我知道这个问题很敏感
I know I'm on thin ice when I ask you this,
但妳今年满几岁?
but how old will you be turning?
几岁吗?3...
How...
36岁,要满37岁了
Thirty-six. Thirty-seven.
但我想我们就说36岁吧
But I'm hoping we just can stick with 36.
那我们的年龄差蛮多的
妳会... -你几岁?
Um, there is quite an age difference between us.
我看起来几岁?
How old are you? - How old do I look?
40出头吧
Early 40s.
我51岁 -好
I'm 51. - Okay.
但我的阅读程度相当于56岁