欢迎收看本季《十项死亡全能》
Coming up on this season of The DieCathlon...
《十项死亡全能》
由极飘为您呈现
Brought to you by Ultramax,
极飘
你永远不需要移除的轻盈血尿布
the bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.
大姨妈的终结者
她是不动声色的冷血杀手
She's a stone-cold killer who buries her emotions,
猎虎 指挥官
斩敌无数
while keeping the body count sky high.
在下水道的炼狱中崛起 她幸存下来
Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer, she survived,
一遍又一遍地被拷问
only to have the very nature of her own existence questioned
自己生存的意义
over and over and over again.
连接你的球体
DN耶
但这只猛虎有极强的生存欲
But this tiger burns bright with survival instinct
也有朋友鼎力相助
and a little help from her friends.
金属辐条削具
Metal spoke sharpener!
他是爆破专家 时尚风向标
He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon-
明星厨师 政客
cum-celebrity chef- cum-politician,
王子 诗人 小偷
prince, poet, and thief.
他不仅幸存下来 而且风生水起
He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
暴狼 幸存者
从不反悔
with little time for remorse,
绝不同情
and even less time for the losers
不懂生存之道的失败者
who simply don't get it,
也就是其他所有人
which is everyone not named him.
这匹暴狼能蛊惑人心 也能翻天覆地
This wolf is at your door blowing your mind and your house down,
你甚至会为此感谢他
and you're somehow thanking him for it.
他曾在深夜自♥慰♥
He was masturbating one night and was mistaken
幻想自己是个英雄
for someone he wasn't: a hero.
但这并不妨碍他称霸的光辉之路
But that didn't stop him from becoming one...
至少他这么觉得
or so he thought!
两名未来的超级士兵来到他面前
Visited by two super soldiers from the future
带他进入神奇的时空穿梭之旅
and dragged along for the time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
他本应死去 一个错误文件的脚注写道
he should be dead, a footnote in a mistake file
"你在逗我吗 就这混♥蛋♥"
labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole?"
但现在 乔西仍然生龙活虎
Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
乔西 羔羊
你没听错
Yeah, you heard right.
在他的世界里 乔西是个男名
Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name.
如今 这三个叛徒被网络选出
Now, these three renegades have been appropriated by the network,
定了时间之罪
convicted of time crimes,
判了死刑以娱众人
and sentenced to death by entertainment.
乔西 暴狼
他们将亡命天涯
They're gonna be running for their lives,
章鱼皮特
线索虫提示 他是被迫参与的
被现实中和传说中的生物追杀
hunted by creatures both real and mythological,
尖叫蹦床
线索虫提示 由约瑟夫·门格勒博士设计
接受人类身心
tested in ways the human body
无法忍♥受的考验
and mind simply wasn't designed to endure,
机器蜘蛛
线索虫提示 最爱罗曼·波兰斯基
但这三人组有些特殊
but this trio's got something special,
幸运的话 你会看到
and with a little luck, you're gonna see it splattered
鲜血溅满你的眼镜
all over your Opti-Scope.
我是苏珊·圣·杰克洛普
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
欢迎来到第一百季
and this is the centennial season of...
《十项死亡全能》
《十项死亡全能》
The DieCathlon!
不得不说 我对即将到来的一季
I've gotta say, I've got a really good feeling
充满信心
about this upcoming season.
苏珊·圣·杰克洛普府邸
新泛大♥陆♥ 老城 公元3491年
我真的感觉这三个人不同寻常
Really, I think there's something special about these three.
亲爱的 你最近几季都很不走运
Well, hon, you've been unlucky the last few cycles.
你也该遇到一些优秀选手了
You were due some quality contestants.
我明白 但是电视台
I know, and the network,
只要他们一感到
as soon as they feel like maybe things aren't working
发展不如之前顺利
as well as they used to,
就会受到惊吓 变得异常残忍♥
they get panicked and they get ruthless.
想想你经历的这一切
Think of everything that you've been through.
收视率下滑 武装政♥变♥
The ratings slide, the coup d'état,
囚犯集♥体♥自♥杀♥
the mass prisoner suicides.
还有星系9核心熔毁
Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
但你还是没被打倒
and somehow, somehow, you're still standing.
因为你很强大
It's because you're strong.
我配不上你
I don't deserve you.
你当然配得上
Oh, of course you do.
工作用
周末用
吃肉用
性事用
你只需要打开我[让我性趣盎然]
All you have to do is turn me on.
冲到97%了
Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
真令人性奋
Oh, saucy.
-准备好了吗 -好了
- Get ready. - Okay.
我准备好了
I'm ready.
性奋模式
浪货主宰模式
如果他们取消了节目
You know, if they cancel the show,
这里一切都会改变
things will change around here.
我们没必要现在讨论那些
We don't have to talk about that right now.
电视台会把我和斯坦利带走
The network will take me and Stanley away.
我们的硬盘会被清空
Our hard drives will be wiped.
我们会被分配给
We'll be allocated to a new executive,
比G7300级更好的新主管
one more worthy of the G7300 class.
那是不可能的
That's not gonna happen.
你怎么会知道 你个蠢蛋
Well, how do you know, you stupid piece of shit?
你接手全星球最受欢迎的节目
You took the planet's most popular show
结果把它变得无聊又无悬念
and you made it boring and predictable,
就像我们一会儿要做的爱一样
just like the sex we're about to have.
你到底在干什么
What are you doing right now?
趴下 这样我就可以用
Now, bend over, so I can do to you
你对付赞助商的招数对付你了
what you've been doing to your sponsors.
性 婊力十足 浪荡处♥女♥ 夫妻相见 一做到底 暴雨惊醒
我要找个又大又硬又冷的东西
I am gonna get something big and hard and cold.
我要把你屁♥股♥打到红得好像...
I am gonna hit you until your ass is so red that--
天啊 抱着我 我好害怕
Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
是很吓人 但我会抱着你的
Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
天啊
Oh, God.
不
Oh, no.
我忘了让她进入睡眠模式
I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
你好 亲爱的
Hi, honey.
小宝宝就是这样造出来的
That's how babies used to be made.
是时候做个电子梦了 斯坦利
Time to dream of electric sleep, Stanley.
做个好梦 斯坦利
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
好了
All right.
-我们到哪步了 -*你们准备好了吗*
- Where were we? -* Y'all ready for this? *
极飘
十项死亡全能地狱电梯
广播前90秒
调子真好听
Sweet tune.
我就知道这经得起时间的考验
I knew this would stand the test of time.
-用鹈鹕的愚蠢怎么样 -不 太冒险了
- You thinking Pelican's Folly? - No, it's too risky.
在我们嘴里藏够石头之前
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
那些仿生美洲狮就会发现我们了
before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.
-鬣狗的低语呢 -没错
- Hyena's Whisper. - Yes.
尤其是在这么大的竞技场
Especially in an arena this size.
他们永远都料想不到
They'll never see it coming,
也许能给我们争取足够的时间来使用经典招数
and it might buy us just enough time to pull a classic.
龙虾的虚张声势
Lobster's Bluff.
你们他妈在说什么
- What the fuck are you guys talking about?
我们马上就要死在外边了
We are about to die out there!
你知道我们有多少次被判死刑
Do you know how many times we've turned a death sentence
却又活下来吗
into a life paragraph?
这对我们来说不是什么新鲜事了
This isn't anything we haven't seen before.
要我说
You know what?
也许这是我们活该
Maybe we deserve this.
也许这就是正义 毕竟我们搞砸了整个宇宙
Maybe this is justice. I mean, we fucked up the universe.
这可是整个宇宙啊
I mean, the whole universe.
当你自以为是救世主时 就是这种下场
That's what you get when you think you're a savior.
我以为我很特别 正因为如此
I thought I was special, and because of that,