诸事不顺（2018）

你好？
Hello.
你好 请问路克在吗？
Hi. Is Luke there?
对 他就在这里
Uh, sure, he's right here.
-我觉得是她 -天啊
I think it's her. -Oh!
妈 快给我
Mom, give it to me.
我今晚会出去 冰箱有墓碑牌披萨 上面有你的名字
I'll be out tonight. There's a Tombstone in the freezer.
这真病态
That's morbid.
你好吗？
Hey, how's it going?
好性感喔
It's going sexy.
说些下流的话给我听 大家伙
Talk dirty to me, big boy.
你们可以不要再打给我了吗？
Can you please stop calling me?
天啊 你让我好湿啊
Oh, God, you're making me so wet!
不要再打来了 万一有急事怎么办？
Stop calling. What if there's an emergency?
的确有急事 就在我的内♥裤♥里 天啊 路克
There is an emergency, in my panties. Oh, Luke!
"我是你♥爸♥爸"
I am your father.
各位 请好好享受这视觉飨宴
Gentlemen! Feast your eyes on this!
这是什么？
What is it?
12层沾酱拼盘
Twelve-layer dip.
有豆子 酸奶 派斯牌酱 橄榄 腌黄瓜
Beans, sour cream, Pace, olives, pickles,
切达乾酪 鸡块
cheddar, chicken nuggets.
不客气
You're welcome.
还有蜂蜜 苹果肉桂脆片 切片苹果 再1层切达乾酪
Honey, Apple Jacks, sliced apple and a second layer of cheddar.
这样只有11层
That's 11 layers.
那最上层是氧气
Oh, the top layer's oxygen.
"帮我的菊花上油"
Butter my bunghole.
我跟凯特还没亲亲 是不是该担心？
Should I be worried Kate and I haven't kissed?
老兄 才过2天 放轻松 你是好对象
Dude, it's been two days. Relax, you're golden.
麦奎德？
McQuaid?
高中生的交往时间平均是26天
Well, the average high school relationship lasts for 26 days.
也就是说只要有一对交往1年的情侣
For every year-long relationship,
就有另一对只交往了不到5分钟
there are an equal number that last less than five minutes.
这又代表什么？
What does that mean?
不管有没有亲 你们之间的关系
Kiss or no kiss, your relationship
在开始之前就已经注定结束
was doomed before it even began.
-多谢 -别听他说的
-Thanks. -Don't listen to him.
我敢说你下次见到她 你们一定会用舌头盖一座城市
I bet next time you see her, it's gonna be tongue city.
城里的居民就是路克
Population Luke.
你好 你怎么会在这里？
Hi, what are you doing here?
我试着打来你家 但都在忙线中
I tried calling, but it was busy.
这真是太棒了
Oh, uh, this is... This is awesome.
我是说 这样就会变成例行公事了
I mean, this will be like a normal thing now.
你想进来吗？
Do... Do you want to come in?
什么？不了 我来是有话要跟你说
What? No. I just came to tell you something.
要跟他说什么？
Tell him what?
她有带诡异零嘴来吗？
Did she bring a weird snack?
没有诡异零嘴就进不来 这一点我不能通融
She can't... She can't come in without a weird snack. I'm not flexible on this.
严格说起来是可以吃的
Technically, it's edible.
吃起来跟蜡烛一样
Tastes like candle.
你的电♥话♥掉了
Your phone's off the hook.
欧尼尔家 你好？
O'Neil residence?
听我说 你这个小垃圾
Listen to me, you little jizz mop,
再也不准你把电♥话♥拿下来了 永远不准
don't you ever take the phone off the hook, ever.
路克 我想是要找你的
Luke, um, I-I think it's for you.
是谁？
Who is it?
我能问是谁打来的吗？
May I ask who's calling?
死神
The Grim Reaper.
是死神
Uh, th-the Grim Reaper.
应该是戏剧社吧 他们打了一整天的恶作剧电♥话♥
It's probably drama club. They've been prank calling all day.
我们不会放过你的 泰勒
We're coming for you, Tyler,
还有路克 跟那个不知道叫什么名字的小子
and Luke and what's the kid's name,
戴眼镜那个
with the glasses?
-是麦奎德 -别说我的名字 智障
-Oh, yeah, McQuaid. -Don't tell them my name, you idiot!
麦奎德 泰勒 路克
McQuaid, Tyler, Luke.
等到周一早晨 你们都会死光 我们要捅你们的眼睛
Monday morning, you are all dead. We're gonna stab you in the eye.
我们会捅你们的老二
And then we're gonna stab you in the dick.
-准备受死吧 -挂电♥话♥
-Prepare to die. -Hang up. Hang up.
这就是我当时预测 如果你约凯特出去会发生的事
This is exactly what I predicted would happen if you asked Kate out.
-别把她扯进来 -他们会杀了我们
-Leave her out of this. -They're gonna kill us.
-他们说什么了？-我们要转学了
-What'd they say? -We need to transfer schools.
-我不能被捅老二 -拜托 你们觉得他们是说真的吗？
-I can't get stabbed in the dick! -You think they're for real?
战争并不荣耀 所以逃走也不可耻
War isn't glorious, and there's no shame in running away.
我还没破处耶
I haven't even lost my virginity.
我没有老二要怎么破处啊？
How am I supposed to lose my virginity with no dick?
-我们该怎么办？-我不知道
-What do we do? -I don't know.
建一个地堡 存好食粮 把名字改掉
Build a bunker, stock up on supplies, change our names.
好炫 那我要改名叫文斯
Sick. I'm changing mine to Vince.
谁在意啊？我们死定了
Who gives a shit? We're doomed!
各位 闭嘴
Everybody, stop talking!
我有个计划
I have a plan.
你妈妈有酒吗？
Does your mom have any alcohol?
这真是最糟糕的主意 我们怎么知道他们会在这？
This is the worst idea. How do we even know they're here?
他们就在这
They're here.
你到底想不想把这件事了结？
Do you want to put a stop to this or not?
幸好我早有准备
Glad I prepared.
准备什么？
What is that?
砂锅
Casserole dish.
我就不会被捅老二了
No dick-stabbing for me!
路克 做自己就好
Luke, just be yourself.
让他们喜欢你 你知道你办得到
Charm them, you know you can do that.
天啊
Oh, my God.
我就说 "路克 我是你♥爸♥爸"
And I was like: Luke, I am your father.
他超困惑的 真好笑
He was so confused, it was so funny.
-什么电影？-《星球大战》-哪一集？
-What movie? -Star Wars. -Which one?
我才不想打什么恶作剧电♥话♥
Prank calls my ass.
我们要杀了那小子 奥利佛 说真的
We gotta kill that kid, Oliver. For real.
我是说或许我们还能演戏 对吧？或许可以吧？
I mean, maybe we can still do the play, right? Maybe?
话剧没了 这是个征兆
The play's over. It's a sign.
那不然怎样？我们大学简历上不能写戏剧社了？
Then what? We're gonna have to take drama off our college resumes?
天啊
Oh, my God.
天啊
Oh, my God!
去他的简历 也去他的大学
"F" resumes, all right? "F" college, too.
我毕业之后就要离开这该死的地方
I'm getting the hell out of here as soon as I graduate,
立刻离开
if not sooner.
纽约市啊 宝贝
New York city, baby.
现在话剧取消了 我在波林浪费时间干嘛？
Now that the show is canceled, what the hell am I doing wasting my time in Boring?
管他去死 我明天就走
Screw it, I'll leave tomorrow.
-那我们呢？-我们怎么样？
-What about us? -What about us?
我还有一年才毕业 你就要这样离开？
I have another year left here. You're just gonna leave me?
算是吧
Pretty much.
我们要怎么杀他？
How are we gonna kill him?
我表亲是杀手 说说而已啰
My cousin's a hitman. Just saying.
-我觉得我们该走了 -你说得对
-That's our cue to leave. -You're right.
不 路克 你可以的
No. Luke, you've got this.
"你很棒 只是你自己不知道"
You're so money, and you don't even know it.