诸事不顺（2018）

你确定看了这个之后没有反应吗？
Are you sure this doesn't do anything for you?
人体解剖图册
天啊 我真性奋
Oh, my God, I am so turned on.
我不晓得 里面一定有派得上用场的
I don't know. There's got to be something in here.
这是人耳
The human ear.
这太蠢了
This is stupid.
青少年健康
这是必要的 是你说自己是女同志的
This is necessary. You said you were a lesbian.
天啊 小声点 你想怎样？毁了我吗？
Shh! Jesus, keep it down. What are you trying to do, ruin me?
当然不是 而且这里甚至没人
Of course I'm not. There's nobody even here, by the way.
有 不 我只是想帮你搞清楚
Is-- no. I'm trying to help you figure this out.
我说我
When I said I was...
我那时说我想我是
I think I might be a...
好吧
Okay.
你为什么会这样想？
And why do think that?
我不知道 很复杂
I don't know. It's complicated.
说实话 无意冒犯 但我不觉得你在这点能帮我什么忙
And honestly, no offense, but I don't see how you could possibly help me with this.
我当然可以
Sure, I could.
你跟女生约会过吗？
Do you date girls?
不 我没跟别人约会过
No, I don't date anyone.
你是我第一个亲的人
You're the first person I've even kissed.
太好了
Cool.
-那我是女生吗？-这太蠢了
-So, am I a girl? -This is really stupid.
不 才不会
No, it isn't.
亲别的 但我不是
... Kiss other... And since I am not a...
你到底想说什么？
What is your point?
你讨厌吗？
Did you hate it...
我们接吻的时候
when we kissed?
不 我不讨厌
No, I didn't hate it.
还不错
It was nice.
看到没？我们已经有进展啦
See? We're making progress already.
来看看这本吧
Let's check out this one.
性倾向 一段未被碰触的历史
人类性倾向 找到答案了
Human sexuality, the answers.
这里有测验
Oh, there's a test in here.
好了 你要答应我不能说谎 不然就没有用了
All right, you have to promise to be totally honest, or it won't work.
-好 -好的
-Okay. -Alright.
"第一题 你有没有幻想过
"Question one: Have you fantasized about sexual conduct
跟同性之间的性行为？"
with a member of the same sex?"
有
Yes.
"第二题 你有没有幻想过
"Question two: Have you fantasized about sexual conduct
跟异性之间的性行为？"
with a member of the opposite sex?"
别思考 快点回答
Don't think, just answer.
我想应该有吧
I mean, I guess so.
实验对象给予肯定回答 好
Subject responds in the affirmative. Okay.
"第三题 如果没跟男性或女性 进行性行为就死去
"Question three: Would you be happy dying without having experimented sexually
-你是否会觉得不满足？" -等等 死？为什么而死？
-with both men"-- -Wait, dying? Of what?
我不知道 没有写 跳过这一题吧
I don't know. Doesn't say. We can skip that one.
"第四题 你有没有因为同性色情影片
"Question four: Are you aroused by pornography
而感到性奋过？"
featuring members of the same sex?"
我怎么知道？我没看过色情影片
How should I know? I've never watched a porno.
真的吗？第四台也没看过？
Really? Not even Cinemax?
我们家没有有线电视
We don't have cable.
天啊 真糟糕
Wow, that sucks.
"第五题 是或否
"Question five: True or false.
我是否愿意参加杂交派对
The gender composition of any orgy
性别的构成是我考量的最主要因素"
is the most important factor in my decision to participate."
-我又不会去参加 -是或否
-I wouldn't participate. -True or false.
否吧？
False?
分数表 来看看
Scoring guide, let's see.
上面写什么？
What's it say?
你是"有异性恋倾向的同性恋"
Well, you are "homosexual with heterosexual tendencies."
"异性恋倾向"
"Heterosexual tendencies."
就是我啊
That's me.
我是你的异性恋倾向
I'm your heterosexual tendency.
不 不可能 我有两题都没回答出来
No. That can't be right. I didn't even answer two of the questions.
自己看吧
See for yourself.
不管怎样 你跟我在一起比较好
Either way, you're probably better off with me.
这是什么意思？
What's that supposed to mean?
你不会希望别人觉得你是
Well, you don't want people thinking you're a...
只要你跟我在一起 他们就不会这样想
If you're with me, they won't.
又不是说我就会爱上你
It's not like I'm gonna fall in love with you or anything.
-如果真是这样 我会让你知道 -像是用暗号♥？
-Even if I did, I'd give you a signal. -What, like a code word?
对 没错 就像
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, uh...
蛞蝓大百科
香蕉蛞蝓
...banana slug.
香蕉蛞蝓？
Banana slug?
如果我发现自己爱上你了
If I find myself falling in love with you,
我会大喊 "香蕉蛞蝓" 你就可以赶快跟我分手
I'll yell "banana slug," and you can head for the hills.
别担心 一切都会很顺利的
But don't worry, everything's gonna work out great.
诸事不顺
第一季 第五集
申请参加今年科展的期限是这周四
The deadline for entry into this year's Science Fair is on Thursday.
我个人蛮想要证明 宇宙大爆♥炸♥不仅仅是一项理论
Personally, I intend to prove that the Big Bang is much more than just a theory.
提醒各位 波林高中第一部电影的试镜会
Reminder: auditions for Boring High School's first ever movie,
由路克欧尼尔执导的 一部科幻爱情故事
a sci-fi love story directed by Luke O'Neil,
今天放学后将在视听教室举♥行♥
will be held today after school in the A/V room.
请记得带上一段独白 祝各位地球人好运
Be sure to bring a monologue and break a leg, Earthlings.
-洁西卡贝兹 -干嘛？
-Hey, Jessica Betts. -What?
你会去参加电影试镜吗？
Are you auditioning for the movie?
-会 -那我也要去
-Yes. -Then so shall I.
-你真的不用帮我拿包包 -不 没关系 我喜欢
-You really don't have to carry my bag. -No, really it's fine. I like it.
真是个小野洋子
Yoko.
让我拿吧 路克 你真的不用
Oh, let me get that. Luke, you really don't have--
真傻 这是男友的责任
This is silly. It's a boyfriend's duty.
-我可以陪你走去教室吗？-就在走廊另一边
-Can I walk you to class? -It's across the hall.
真好 很方便啊
Oh, nice. Convenient.
路克 你不用这样做 你知道的
Luke, you don't have to do this, you know.
不 但我想
No, but I want to.
我 你不想吗？
I-- Don't you?
你们两个
Hey, you two.
-波林高中最可爱的校对还好吗？-爸
-How's the cutest couple at Boring High? -Dad.
-很好 谢谢你的关心 -我在想
-Great, thanks for asking. -Hey, I was just thinking--
-我们该去上课了 -但事实上 这很重要
-We should probably get to class. -Well, this is important, actually.
我认为我应该更深入了解 凯特的第一个男朋友
I was thinking, I'd like to get to know Kate's first boyfriend a little better.
路克 周五晚上来我们家用餐好吗？
Luke, how about dinner Friday night?
我很乐意
I'd love to.
-事实上这样很好 因为我妈妈不在家 -我知道
-That'd be great. My mom's out of town. -I know.
我是说我不知道 我怎么会知道呢？
I mean, I don't know. How would I know that?
总之就周五了 约7点好吗？
So Friday it is. Shall we say seven?
我们一起 三 二 一
Let's. Three, two, one...
7点
Seven!
太好了
Yeah.
电影试镜
好了 我想都准备好了
All right, I think we're ready.
请他们进来吧 麦奎德
Let's bring them in, McQuaid.
天啊
Oh.
你在干嘛？
Um, what are you doing?
我不用试镜 伊曼琳也不用
I don't audition. Neither does Emaline.
你们不试镜的话 我要怎么帮你们选角？
How am I supposed to cast you if you don't audition?
-哪个角色台词最多？-波洛格和札琴达
-Which part has the most lines? -Blorg and Zarginda.
太好了 请他们进来 麦奎德
Great, bring 'em in, McQuaid.
"带我回到我在山上的坟墓
Take me back up the hill to my grave.
再见了 世界"
Goodbye, world!
"你想听真♥相♥？
You want the truth?
你没办法承受真♥相♥"
You can't handle the truth!
"《以西结书》第25章第17节
Ezekiel 25:17...
人间的正道 是被来自周遭的邪恶的自私
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides
所包围出来的一条路"
by the inequities of the selfish.
"朋友们 诸位罗马人 诸位公民 请你们听我一言"
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
"多年之后 比尔 你是否愿意
Many years from now, would you, Bill, be willing to trade
拿所有日子交换这个机会？
all the days from this day to that for one chance?
就一个机会"
One chance.