诸事不顺（2018）

她是老师吗？
Is she a teacher?
我 亲爱的 我不能说 对不起 但我不能说
I... Sweetie, I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.
出于对她的尊重
Out of respect for her,
她现在希望 我们先不要跟别人说这件事 所以
she would prefer that we not talk about it with anyone, so...
只要她同意 我马上就告诉你
I'll tell you as soon as she gives me the okay.
她也喜欢你吗？
Does she like you back?
是啊 我想是这样没错
Yeah, I think she does.
但我就不懂了
I don't get it, though.
如果你们喜欢彼此 为什么她不让你谈论这件事？
I mean, if you like each other, why won't she let you talk about it?
是因为很奇怪吗？
Isn't that kinda weird?
不 我
No... I...
这很复杂 亲爱的
it's complex, sweetie.
你知道 大部分的成人关系都是如此
You know, most adult relationships are.
好了
All done.
我得这样出门？
I have to wear this?
-爸 -等到它结痂就好
-Dad! -Just until it scabs.
我想应该花不了太多时间
I mean, it shouldn't take too long at all.
或许
Or maybe...
我们现在可以试试看戴个首饰
we could try putting a jewel in it, now.
-真的吗？-我想 既然伤害都已造成
-Really? -I guess. I mean, the damage is done.
你都穿洞了
You already made the hole.
天啊
Oh!
有人感觉到什么吗？
Does anyone feel anything?
跟我怀疑的一样
As I suspected.
你们都被万维网骗了
You've all been boned by the World Wide Web.
不 不可能 如果这不是真的
No, no way. Why would someone
那为何有人要发布到网络上？
put that on the net if it wasn't true?
一定有用
It has to work.
等等就有用了
It's going to work.
对 我是说 就是这样啊
Yeah, yeah, I mean, totally.
我们应该要多吃一点
Like, we should just eat more.
没错 这主意真天才
Yeah, genius idea.
那天晚上 我在打包行李
The end of the night, I'm packing up my stuff,
有个肥猪过来说 "你没拍到丢捧花的部分"
and this lard ass, he comes over and says, "You didn't film the bouquet toss."
好了
Well, there it is.
你开心了吗？
You happy?
很好看
It's great.
你觉得路克会喜欢吗？
Think Luke's gonna like it?
你们相处得还好吗？
You guys still having a good time?
应该吧
I guess.
-你饿了吗？-不会
-You hungry? -I'm good.
你知道 凯特 如果你想找人陪
You know, Kate, if you ever want to just hang out,
或者你需要什么 我一直都在 亲爱的
or if you need anything, I'm always here, sweetie.
谢了 爸
Thanks, Dad.
真壮观
Epic.
你感觉得到吗？
Can you feel it?
在不断扩张的脑子里 感受到一场荣耀的胜利
Oh, the good gracious glory of an ever-expanding mind.
我的天啊
Oh, my God.
我一点感觉都没有
I don't feel squat.
或许下次你应该试试看肉桂
Maybe next time you should try cinnamon.
孜然
Cumin.
牛至
Oregano.
红椒粉
Paprika.
大蒜粉
Garlic powder.
好恶心
Grodie.
你知道我喜欢什么吗？
You know what I like?
独白
Monologues.
独白之于演员就像
Monologues are to an actor what...
乾酪蛋糕之于胖子
...cheesecake is to a fat man.
都很美味
They are delicious.
都充满了营养
They are nutritious.
都是绝对必要的东西
They are absolutely necessary.
你知道吗？
You know what?
我们要给波洛格更多独白
We need to give Blorg more monologues.
要多少？
H-How many more?
七句
Seven.
七句独白 独特的独白
Seven monologues. Distinct monologues.
也许先来一句跟童年有关的独白
Perhaps one about his childhood
还要提到他的家人从未理解他 至今仍无法理解
and how his family never understood him and still doesn't.
或许再一句 讲他的初恋
Maybe another about his first love.
再一句 是关于他父亲的死亡
And maybe one... about the death of his father.
由伟大的演员说出的独白就像是
Monologues, when spoken by a great actor, is like,
就像是
it's like. It's like. It's like...
对 胖子的乾酪蛋糕一样
Oh. Yeah, cheesecake to a fat guy.
对 没错 就是这样 你听懂了 好 你懂了
Oh, yes! Yes, exactly. You get it. Okay, you get it.
你是个伟大的演员 奥利佛
You're a great actor, Oliver.
全世界都必须看见你的才华
And the world needs to see your greatness.
全世界都必须看见
The world needs to see...
看见我的才华
Needs to see my greatness.
没错
Yes!
好 好了
Okay. All right.
你真是了解我
You know me so well.
就像你在我头脑里
It's like you're in my head.
像壁虱一样 或是翅膀
Like a tick or a wing.
跟随我 我忠实的左右手
Follow me, my loyal aide-de-camp.
走吧
Let's go.
-你还是没感觉？-完全没有
-You still feel nothing? -Zippo.
但只要奥利佛开心
But as long as Oliver is having fun.
他的开心比我的更加重要
His fun is more important than my fun.
要像我们一样谈成熟的恋爱 就得变成无私的人
You have to be selfless when you're in a mature relationship like ours.
是喔
Right.
我是说 你几乎能说 他的开心就是我的开心
I mean, you could almost say that his fun is my fun.
就像我们是一体的 你懂吗？
Like, we're one, you know?
就像我们心有灵犀
It's like we're connected.
好吧
Okay.
你确定肉豆蔻没有起作用吗？
You sure that nutmeg isn't working yet?
你为什么从来不微笑？
How come you never smile?
我会微笑啊
I-I smile.
我很常微笑
I smile often.
我是坏掉的微笑狂
I'm a degenerate smiler of smiles.
好 等等 那不是 那才不是微笑
Okay, wait, that is not... no, that is not a smile.
那是诡异的脸
That is a creep face.
真是的 我天生就长这么诡异
Alas, I suffer from creep face.
你这新生真是怪怪的 麦奎德
You're such a weird freshman, McQuaid.
但这是真的 麦奎德家的人
But it's true. All the McQuaid men
好几百年前就长一副诡异的脸
have creep face dating back hundreds of years
那时候哥萨克人还在追我们呢
to when the Cossacks were chasing us.
你也不会大笑
You don't laugh either.
要表现一件事情很好笑 大笑不是唯一的表达方法
Laughter's not the only way to show that something is funny.
-真的吗？-当然
-Is that a fact? -Sure.
你可以做点好笑的事情 我会做出大笑以外的反应
Do something funny. I'll react without laughter.
好吧
Okay.
我不能刻意搞笑
You can't just do something funny.
你好？松果公♥司♥
Hello. Pinecone and Company.
麦奎德先生？
Mr. McQuaid.
他就在这里
He's right here.
请等一下
Please hold.
找你的
It's for you.
好笑吗？
Was that funny?
各位？
Guys?
我们遇到问题了
W-We got a problem.
奥利佛？搞什么？
Oliver, what the hell?
我在上面 世界就看得见我了
The world can see me from up here.
看见我的才华
And see my greatness.
听到没？波林？
You hear that, Boring?
我不需要你
I don't need you.
好了 快下来吧
All right, come down.
我是胖子的乾酪蛋糕
I am cheesecake to a fat man.
他刚刚说什么？
What'd he say?
说来话长
It's a long story.