诸事不顺（2018）

不会 有什么问题吗？
No, is that a problem?
不 没什么
Oh, no, not at all.
所以 雪莉
So, uh, Sherry,
我希望你明白 你儿子坦承犯下的行为是很严重的
I want to make sure you understood that what your son confessed to is serious.
在某些情况下
In some situations,
误触火警警报器可能会被视为重罪
tampering with the fire alarm might be considered a felony.
抱歉 什么？
I'm sorry, a what?
对 所以我才想要跟你聊一下
Yeah, but that's why I wanted to have this chat.
讨论一下这样的行为 到底是不是正常
To get a sense of whether this behavior is normal, or--
听着 我不知道该说什么
Look, I-I don't know what to say,
只是这听起来不太像路克会做的事
except that this doesn't sound like Luke.
有注意到最近有什么改变吗？有哪里不一样吗？
Notice any changes recently? Anything different?
不 没有什么这类行为的征兆
No. Nothing that makes sense of any of this.
麦斯纳先生 我独自抚养路克长大
Mr. Messner, I'm raising Luke on my own
因为工作的关系 我也想常待在他身边 但我没办法
and with my work, I'm not around as much as I'd like to be,
但我看来 路克是个快乐又自律的年轻人
but from where I sit, Luke is a happy, well-adjusted young man.
或者我没发现什么
Or maybe I'm missing something.
我 我不知道这件事
I, uh... I didn't realize.
原来你是单亲妈妈
You're a single mother.
我是单亲爸爸
Single father.
真的很难 对吧？
It's hard, right?
当然了
Ya think?
他们这年纪 就好像我们各自说着不同语言
And at this age, it's like, we speak different languages.
"屌♥爆了"？
Uh, da bomb?
"完美炸了？"
All that and a bag of chips?
那到底是什么意思？
What does that mean?
我最爱的是"我的老天鹅"
My favorite is, "Oh, snap."
我想说到底什么天鹅？池塘里的天鹅？
I'm here, I say, snap what? Snap my fingers?
真让人抓狂
My insanity?
对吧？毕竟我已经快抓狂了 再多几句也不会怎样
Right? I mean, it's hanging by a thread already, it won't take much.
谢谢
Thank you.
重罪啊
Felony.
-老天 -不 我应该说清楚的
-God. -Oh, no, uh, I should be clear.
我不会提告的
No one's pressing charges.
你知道 我还是得跟你说这些 这是我的工作
You know, it's just my job to tell you these things.
还有 说实话
Also, truth be told,
我今天请你来还有另一个目的
uh, my intentions today were somewhat twofold.
因为路克跟我女儿 凯特
Well, since Luke and my daughter Kate
好像在约会
are kinda going out.
我一直很想见见你 希望你不介意 以爸爸的身分
I wanted to meet you. Hope you don't mind. I'm just being a dad.
真的吗？路克跟你女儿？
Wait, really? Luke and your daughter?
天啊
Wow.
天啊 对我来说真是大新闻
Well, that's news to me. I...
我知道他有喜欢的女生 但
I mean, I knew he liked a girl, but...
我现在一定看起来 像世界上最糟糕的家长
I must seem like the worst parent on Earth right now.
什么？不会的
What? Uh, no.
拜托 别这样想
Please, don't think that.
相信我 我见过很多家长
Trust me. I meet a lot of parents.
久了之后 就会对这种事情培养出第六感
After a while, you sort of develop a sixth sense for these things.
我觉得你是个好家长
You strike me as a great parent.
真的
Really.
我看得出来
I could tell.
糟糕了
Oh, oh, no.
那个
Uh...
抱歉
sorry.
谢谢你
Thank you.
你还好吗？
Are you okay?
老天 我都不知道自己怎么了
Boy, I don't know what's wrong with me.
你会不会希望有单亲家长互助会？
Do you wish there were support groups for single parents?
当然了
I sure do.
我还有会要开 但你不介意的话
I have this meeting, but if you'd like...
或许我们明天早上可以一起喝杯咖啡
...maybe we could have coffee, uh, tomorrow morning.
可以继续聊这个
We could continue this conversation?
也许我们自己就能开始组互助会
Maybe we could start a support group of our own.
-这主意真烂 我不该说出口的 -不
-Dumb idea. Shouldn't have said anything. -No, no.
我喜欢这主意
I like that idea.
只是 我明天有跨大西洋的班机要飞
It's just, I'm on a transatlantic flight tomorrow.
那今晚如何？
How about tonight?
好啊
Sure.
好
Okay.
算 算是约会了
It... It's a date.
对
Yeah.
没错
Yeah.
对 就是 这样
Yeah, it's that. It's that. It's that.
史考特沃尔夫真的好像宾利先生
Scott Wolf is so Mr. Bingley.
莱丝莉 你觉得宾利先生 是怎么知道自己爱上珍的？
Leslie, how do you think Mr. Bingley knew he was in love with Jane?
很简单啊 当他看到她走过舞池时 就是那时候知道的
Simple. He saw her across the dance floor, and that was that.
但真爱可能会捉弄人心
But true love can be tricky.
今年夏天的《圣经》营 当我看到凯尔莫纳翰走过祷告圈时
This summer at bible camp, I saw Kyle Monaghan across the prayer circle,
我就知道了
and I just knew.
我们亲热了一整个夏天
We made out, like, all summer.
他的舌头又大又滑
His tongue was super fat and slippery.
但到了最后一天 我走进告解室
But then on the last day, I walked into confession
我看到丽亚凯根在帮他打手♥枪♥
and I saw him getting a hand job from Leah Kagan!
她甚至没有参加我们的营队
And she doesn't even go to our camp.
真糟糕
That sucks.
对 我当时超爱他的
Yeah, I was in love with him.
我一直以来都被他骗了
He was just leading me on the entire time.
你真幸运
You're so lucky.
路克看起来超爱你的
Luke's, like, super in love with you.
他的舌头也超级滑吗？
Is his tongue super slippery?
我敢说一定是
I bet it is.
你好？
Hello?
请找路克斯欧尼尔先生好吗？
May I speak to Mr. Lucas O'Neillius, please?
-我就是 -我是艾德麦克曼
-Speaking. -This is Ed McMahon.
你赢得了一百万美元
You've just won a million dollars!
你是谁？
Who is this?
我是艾德麦克曼 王八蛋
It's Ed McMahon, asshole!
我有一张超大的支票要给你
I've got a big-ass check for you.
你只管沾蕃茄酱然后塞进屁♥股♥里吧
Just dip it in ketchup and shove it up your butt!
谨代表戏剧社 王八蛋
Drama club represent, asshole.
我今天又拍了一卷愚蠢的婚礼影片
I shot another stupid wedding video today.
一样的演讲 一样的蛋糕 一样的小鸡舞
Same speeches, same cake, same chicken dance.
你想在这找些灵感 或是启发的点子吗？
You're looking for something to inspire or stimulate around here?
祝你好运了 电影院 二轮热门片那些都是狗屎
Phew, good luck. Movie house, second-run blockbuster bullshit.
最近的唱片店在要去波特兰的半路上
The nearest record store, halfway to Portland.
镇上最异国的餐厅 就是天杀的面包丁工厂
The most exotic restaurant in town, it's the freaking Crouton Factory.
-儿子？-靠
-Son? -Shit.
你想不想解释一下 为什么你会拉学校的火警警报器？
Wanna tell me why you pulled the fire alarm at school?
不是 不是我做的
I didn't... I didn't do it.
那我刚刚去校长室 难道不是为了你干的好事吗？
Hmm. Was I not just in the principal's office on your behalf?
妈 说真的 我在现场 但不是我做的
Mom! Mom, seriously, I was there, but I didn't do it.
好 那你为什么要说是你做的？
Okay. Well, why did you say you did?
我不能告诉你
I can't tell you.
路克 我不知道你在玩什么游戏 但我一点兴趣都没有
Luke, I don't know what this game is that you're playing, but I am not interested.
你给我废话少说
Cut the shit.
好吧
Fine.
是我女朋友拉的
It was my girlfriend.
她拉了火警警报器 但我不想害她惹上麻烦
She pulled the alarm, but I didn't want to get her in trouble,
所以我才说是我拉火警警报器的
so I said I pulled the alarm.
好吧 小家伙
Okay, little man.
谢谢你诚实告诉我
Thank you for being honest.
不客气
You're welcome.
你没告诉我她答应你了
You didn't tell me she said "yes."
校长的女儿 对吧？
Principal's daughter, huh?
真勇敢
Bold.
我知道
I know.
未来我希望可以听到 你亲自告诉我这些事情
Now, in the future, I would like to hear about those things from you.
我们是一国的 对吧？
We're a team, right?
对 我们是一国的
Yeah, we're a team.