后半生

She was like, "Oh, thanks, darling. I needed that."
你在吃什么
"What you been eating?"
别担心 奶奶
Don't worry about that, Nana.
小心踩到带毛的液体滑倒
Don't slip over on all that hairy monkey slosh plop.
-至于你 腌猪后腿69… -好了 两位 够了
As for you, gammon_69...Okay, guys. Guys! Okay, that's enough.
-拜托 这里是办公室 - 两位 这里是办公室
Come on. This is an office. -"Guys, this is an office!"
真♥他♥妈♥的 安德鲁王子生气了
Fucking hell, Prince Andrew's kicking off, isn't he?
你♥他♥妈♥垃圾 会你♥他♥妈♥房♥间去
You fucking rotter! Get back in your fucking box!
-我他妈开玩笑的 -他搞笑的 别担心
I'm only fucking about. -He's just taking the piss. Don't worry.
阿鼠和阿亵播客 平安喜乐
Ratty and the Nonce Podcast. Namaste.
健康幸福板块 好吗
Health and well-being section, yeah?
我会写的 谢谢提供新闻故事 两位
Um, I'll get that written up. Thanks for the scoop. Cheers, boys.
我差点就要动手了
I was that close to getting a bit physical there.
但是暴♥力♥不能解决问题
But violence isn't the answer, so,
没错
definitely not, no.
-对这里的工作有所了解了吧 -嗯 应该是的 有点感觉了
Getting the hang of how things work? -Yeah, yeah, I think so. Getting there.
来吧 这里还有一点空间
Come through. There's a bit more space in here.
你们俩是不是有谁放屁了
Ooh. Has one of you pumped?
没有 是房♥子的气味
No, that's the house. -Oh.
布莱恩的气味也一样 你可以闻一下他 气味一样
Brian smells the same. You can sniff him. He smells the same.
噢 是啊
Oh, yeah.
-这是你的气味 对吧 -对
That's your smell, innit? -Yes.
嗯 有点像粪味尿味和汗味
Yeah. Sort of like poo and wee and sweat.
还有恐惧和耻辱的气味
And fear and shame.
主要是屎
Mainly shit.
-你能接受就行 -谢谢
Whatever works for you, mate. -Cheers.
嗯
Hmm.
介意我把垃圾收拾一下吗
Do you mind if I clear all this junk up, Brian?
好的 放手干吧
Yeah, go for it.
你介意我不看吗
Do you mind if I don't watch?
有点伤感
Bit emotional.
好的
Right.
-我们开始吧 -好的
Let's get crackin'. - Yeah.
-累了 有一点
Tired? -A little bit.
我不会花太久时间
I won't take long. Um
对了
So,
你是什么时候 被禁止吃不限♥量♥自助餐的
when did you get banned from the all-you-can-eat buffet?
上个月
Last month.
现在还觉得生气
Still angry about it.
-嗯 他们给出了什么理由 -他们很诚实
Sure. And what reason did they give? -Oh, they were perfectly honest.
说要被我吃破产了
They said I was putting them out of business.
他们没见过像我这样吃的
They'd never seen anything like it.
他们提醒过我几次不要吃太多
I mean, they'd given me a few warnings for eating too much, but
我说 既然是不限♥量♥ 我吃再多也不多啊
I said, "How can I eat too much if it's all I can eat'?"
嗯
Mm.
说得对 你多久去一次
Good point. And, uh, how often did you go?
每天 午餐和晚餐
Every day. Lunch and dinner.
你一天去两次
You went twice a day?
不是 就一次 从午餐吃到晚餐
No, just once, from lunch until dinner.
然后就吃饱了 有时候要扶着墙回家
Then I was full. And I could hardly walk home some days.
所以你每天去吃六个小时
And so you went every day for, what, six hours?
对 六七个小时 我也不是一直在吃
Yeah, six or seven hours. I wasn't eating the whole time.
我不时地会睡着
I mean, I'd fall asleep now and again, but
但如果有人来给我清理盘子 我就会醒过来
I'd wake up if someone came to clear my plate away.
好的 吃一次收多少钱
Right, and how much did it cost?
每人次10镑
Ten pounds per person per visit.
所以我一天去一次
That's why I went once and stayed.
得吃回本啊
You know, I was really getting my money's worth.
多数人只能吃两三片披萨
I mean, most people can manage two or three slices of pizza
一两份意面
and a couple of portions of pasta,
但是披萨基本上就是面包 而意面根本不值钱
but pizza's mostly bread and pasta costs nothing,
所以这家餐厅就是这样赚钱的
so that's how the restaurant makes its profits.
我会拿20到30片披萨
I would get 20 or 30 slices of pizza,
把上面的馅料弄下来
scrape off the toppings.
留下面饼
I'd leave the base.
这是诱饵
Decoy.
对肉酱意面也是一样
Same with the spaghetti Bolognese.
我会去拿15趟
I'd make about 15 trips,
把所有的肉都从意面里挑出来
and I'd pick all the meat out of the spaghetti.
这样大概能有五斤牛肉
Was left with about five pounds of beef.
我有的是时间慢慢地吃
I had all the time in the world.
-你不工作吗 -对
You don't work? -No.
为了拿残疾福利办了提前退休
Took early retirement to get disability benefits.
不好意思 你是有什么残疾呢
Oh, um, if you don't mind me asking, um, what's wrong with you?
看看我
Well, look at me.
我的情况太他妈糟糕了
I'm absolutely fucked.
这家餐厅在哪里
Where exactly is this place?
-拍一张照片 -嗯好的
Just take a picture. -Yeah? Okay.
微笑
Smile.
非常好
Great.
我挺生气的
That annoyed me.
-因为他太贪婪 -不是
Because he's greedy? -No.
好吧 没错 他很贪婪 很明显
Well, yeah, he is greedy, obviously.
但是他说得对
But he's right.
是餐厅自己宣传承诺不限♥量♥
They're building their brand on the promise that you can eat as much as you want.
吃完要喝宝宝奇诺吗
A babyccino afterwards?
不能因为有人吃太多或者来太多次 就突然食言
You can't suddenly renege on the deal 'cause someone eats too much or too often
要不你就对所有人改变规则
or you've got to change the rules. For everyone though.
-坦率面对 -藜麦
Be upfront. -The quinoa?
-你喜欢吃藜麦 -现在已经没有信誉可言了
There's no honor anymore.
你拉了一大坨粑粑吗
Have you done a big, farmyard poo?
-哎 真♥他♥妈♥的 -你没事吧
Oh, for fuck's sake. -You okay?
-嗯 怎么了 -你刚才说 真♥他♥妈♥的
Yeah, why? -You just said, "For fuck's sake," so
所以你觉得是有事情使我生气了
And you assumed summat had annoyed me?
-比如有人发出不必要的噪音 -妈的
Like someone making unnecessary noise? -Oh shit.
他是宝宝
'he is a baby.
但发出噪音的不是他 而是你
Yeah, but he's not the one making all the noise, is he? You are.
为了逗他 如果他哭 就会让别人不舒服
To keep him amused. 'Cause if he was crying, that would annoy people.
不会 因为他是宝宝 你发出噪音才让别人不舒服
No, 'cause he's a baby. You making all the noise is the annoying bit.
只是声音罢了 不会影响你
They're sounds. They shouldn't concern you.
你和你朋友说话 我和我孩子说话
You talk to your friend. I talk to my child.
但你听不到我说的每一个字 对吗
But you can't hear every word I'm saying, can you?
那又怎么样 到处都有噪音 生活就是这样
So what? There's noise around. That's life.
好的 有道理
Okay. Good point.
是哪个混♥蛋♥在发出噪音
Who's a noisy prick?
-是你你这个讨厌的混♥蛋♥ -太可悲了
You are! You big annoying prick! -Well, that's pathetic.
-抱歉 我在和朋友说话 -你说的话是别人不想听的
Sorry, I'm talking to a friend. -Saying things others don't want to hear.
你也一样 但是你不在乎 所以…
So are you, but you don't care, so
是啊你真鸡♥巴♥吵 真的
Yeah! You're a big, loud cock. Yes, you are!
你是他妈嬉皮矮婊♥子♥
You're a hipster, gnome-looking fucking twat!
你真是一个烦人的鸡♥巴♥大喇叭
You big, annoying, loud cock in public! You are.
你是贱♥人♥ 没错 你就是贱♥人♥
You're a cunt. You are. You are. You're a cunt!
我要…
I'm gonna…
大肚子你这个贱♥人♥
Big belly! You cunt!
你真是他妈贱♥人♥
You big fucking cunt!
你真是他妈贱♥人♥
You big fucking cunt!
只是声音罢了
They're just sounds.
坦布里报 每周本地新闻
坦布里报
我开车送你去打乒乓球的地方
I'll tell you what, I'll drive you to the table tennis, and we'll go together
-然后我们一起去中湖 -好
to Midlake. - Okay.
-好的
All right.
-会很有意思 -我们搞一次公路旅行 准备一些小吃和光碟 会非常好
We'll do sort of a road trip. Get some snacks and CDs. It'll be great.
-好的 谢谢 -好的
Yeah. Cheers. - Okay, good.
我今天其余的时间算是安排好了
Well, that's the rest of my day sorted.
我先和他打乒乓球
I'm playing him at table tennis,
然后他送我去中湖给我爸撒骨灰
and then he's driving me to Midlake to scatter my dad's ashes.
很不错嘛
Sounds like quite an exciting day.
嗯
Yeah.
真♥他♥妈♥的 我们真是失败
Fucking hell. What a bunch of losers we are.
-你说你自己 -没错
Speak for yourself. - Well, I was.
但也是说其他像我一样失败的人