伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

(口型)我没有拍过电影
I don't have a movie.
你能穿这件儿吗 很有好莱坞的时髦感
Can we get you in this? It's very hollywood chic.
好吧 但我的右胸应该放哪
Okay but where's my right breast supposed to go?
如果再加条项链呢
What if I had a necklace?
你懂的 就显得很大胆
You know, makes a bold statement.
怎么个大胆法 向世界宣告我不肯好好穿衣服吗
Bold statement that I'm never T'd?
这什么玩意儿 得有8斤了吧
What is this, 9 pounds?
那穿露趾鞋吗
Wanna do a peep toe?
不 我不想露脚趾
No, I don't wanna do a peep toe.
人们不应该在意我穿什么
People shouldn't care about what I'm wearing,
他们应该注意我说的话
they should care about what I'm saying.
我传达的信息 - Iliza 你今天真漂亮
The message. - Iliza, you look good today.
我的天 谢谢你
My God, thank you.
走吧 到你上场了
Let's go, you're on.
好 还是把项链带上吧
Okay, or bring the necklace.
谢谢
Thank you.
欢迎来到<伊莱扎和真心话> 我刚只是挥挥手做个样子
Welcome to Truth&Iliza, I just waved at a fake person.
我们这是第一次回归
We are back for the first time,
你们也是
and you're back for the first time.
太有意思了
This is fun.
我们应该每周都这样做
We should do it every week.
今晚的主题是"如何保持清醒"
So tonight's theme is, how do you get woke.
要聊这个话题
To talk about that,
就得先问问清醒是什么意思
we need to ask what does being woke really mean.
我有资格说这个词吗
Is it even okay for me
作为一个拥有天然金发的犹太白人女性
a white, Jewish, natually-blonde woman,
不停地说"保持清醒"
to keep saying woke
但这是个源自黑人群体的说法
when it's actually a word appropriated from the black community.
这算不上一个正经问题吗 好吧
Is it not a really real question? Kind of.
关键是 我们必须提问
Okay, so, the thing is we have to ask questions,
因为每个人都需要努力去理解他人
because everyone needs to do their part to understand each other.
这正是这档节目的宗旨
So that's what this show is all about,
结成同盟 拒绝内讧
being allies without being assholes.
我也知道
And I know
很多人内心的想法
what a lot of people are thinking.
比如
Like,
我不是种族主义者
I'm not racist,
我在Instagram上关注了"美丽黑发"的标签
I follow #beautifulblackhair on Instagram.
我男朋友会做酷炫的音乐
And my boyfriend makes his dope beats.
行吧
Ok.
问题是 我们都害怕
The problem is we're all so terrified
自己看起来像种族主义者 或者愚昧无知 或者偏执己见
of looking racist or ignorant or bigoted,
以至于我们试图表现得像从出生开始就很清醒一样
that we're trying to act like we've been woke since day one,
但那可能并不是真的
but that's probably not true.
突然之间大家都开始了自己的表演
Like all of a sudden you've got everyone like
"作者这个词其实念撰稿人"
"Actually it's pronounced author",
闭嘴吧 Chad
like, shut up, Chad.
你懂个屁
You don't know.
你又不是什么专家 你可能现在知道了 但你以前就是不懂
You didn't know. You might know now, but you didn't know.
问问题是件好事
Asking questions is good,
即使你发现了
even if reveals that
一些你不知道的关于其他人的事情
there are things you don't know about other types of people.
预警一下
Here's a warning,
这期节目里我要多次使用这句话起头
I'm gonna start a lot of sentences on the show with
"作为一个犹太人 但是我"
"As a Jew, but".
作为犹太人 曾经有人问我犹太人是不是开银行的
As a Jew, I've been asked if Jews run the banks.
诚实的回答是
And the honest answer is,
是的 不 开玩笑的 说实话
yes. No. Just kidding, the honest answer,
诚实的回答是
the honest answer is
我希望是
I wish.
因为如果我们经营银行
Because if we ran the banks,
我就不用跟<美少女的谎言>剧组借这双鞋了
I wouldn't have had to borrow the shoes from Pretty Little Liars.
是啊
Yeah.
顺便说一句 这双鞋要疼死我了
And by the way, they really hurt.
把桌子给我端上来
So let's bring out my desk!
哦耶
Oh yeah.
这就是
That's the
这就是书桌出场的背景音乐吗
That's the bring out the desk song?
太可怕了
That was horrible.
但这首歌♥是节目的粉丝写的
Uh, but the song was written by a fan of the show.
来自亚利桑那州梅萨市的Michael E
Michael E from Mesa, Arizona.
所以 谢谢你咯
So. Thank you?
啊 当然
Uh yeah. Sure.
为它欢呼吧
Cheer for it.
如果你想为我的桌子创作一首歌♥的话
If you'd like to create a song about my desk,
请务必 然后 嗯
please do. Then, um,
请把它发到我的Instagram以获取详细信息
please send it to my Instagram for details.
但还是谢谢你
But thank you,
Michael 歌♥挺好的
Michael, that was fine.
我感激不尽 #好人一生平安
I'm super grateful. #Bless.
今晚的节目精彩了
So we've got a great show for you tonight,
接下来
later on,
要和我对谈的嘉宾是 你们准备好了吗
I'll be talking with, are you guys ready for this?
伯尼桑德斯(美国联邦参议员)的前新闻秘书
The former press secretary for Bernie Sanders,
Symone Sanders来了
Symone Sanders is here!
她来了
she's here.
是啊
Yeah.
最不可思议的是
And The most incredible part,
她才27岁
she's only 27.
所以她也是八零后
So she's a millennial.
是的 她的存在就是为了让你意识到
Yeah. And she's here to make you realize
你目前的生人生有多么的咸鱼
just how little you've done with your life so far.
但首先我想欢迎今晚的主题之王
But first i'd like to welcome tonight's theme king,
Jeffery Self
Jeffery Self
来到节目现场
to my show.
谢谢你
Thank you.
我们的目的是为了
Our thinking is here to provide
让主题之王视觉化我们的主题
a visual representation of our theme
同时转移观众的注意力以便我调整胸罩
and to provide someone to cut away to while I adjust my bra.
主题之王 告诉我们那边发生了什么
Theme king, uh, tell us what's going on over there.
好吧 我被旧书包围了
Okay well I'm surrounded by old books,
这是个绝妙的保持清醒的方法 我猜
which is a great way to get woke, I guess.
我不知道哪个问题更大
Um, I don't know uh what's more problematic,
是你来谈"保持清醒"还是我这个也拥有天然金发的
you talking about being woke or this privileged white gay guy
优越白人男同性恋来谈这个话题
also naturally blonde, talking about being woken.
我不知道 任何一个都很无解
I don't know, either one it's a toss-up.
但你是同性恋 所以你说这个话题比较安全
But you're gay, so you have that going for you.
但都这时候了
I mean but at this point,
同性恋这个身份也有一点不够分量了
that's just sort of like a cherry on top at this point.
我能说句真心话吗 那些书让你容光焕发
Can I be honest? Those books make you look so fit.
有时候有些问题看起来实在是太复杂 太累人了
So, sometimes the issues can seem so complex and exhausting,
以至于 与其让你去读一本书
that instead of reading a book
或一篇文章关于某人的人生被毁掉
or another article about someone's life being ruined,
只因他的出身不好 你只想退出页面
because of how they were born, you just want to zone out
然后测试一下"你会是什么味儿的口香糖"
and click on like, "what flavor of gum are you" quiz.
顺便一说
P.S.
原来我是冬青味儿的
Turns out that I wintergreen,
因为虽然我看起来冷冰冰的
because it seems like I would be cold and intense,
但实际上尝起来是圣诞节的味道
but I'm actually Christmas in your mouth.
同时 我很坚强而且我是白人 Jeffery
Also, I'm hard and I'm white. Jeffery,
你会是什么味儿的口香糖
what flavor of gum would you be?
我觉得自己会是肉桂味儿的 很不幸
I feel like I'm cinnamon, unfortunately.
因为我不想做肉桂
Like, I don't wanna be cinnamon.
可以但是没有必要 你知道吗
And I just sort of like unnecessary, you know?
就是这样
That's what it is.
好的
All right.
孩子们 都看过来
So gather around children,
让我帮你们理解新闻 因为我能让它们变得合情合理
And let me help you understand the news, as I make it relatable.
我可没吹牛
Ok. There's no brag.
这套衣服今天没被我们选上
That was the outfit we didn't do for today.