伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

太高了
Too high.
我喜欢这种镶钻美甲朝我挥舞的感觉
I love seeing a diamond encrusted fingernail just like waving me on.
姐妹 会说你就多说点儿
You're speaking the gospel girl.
就爱这么捧场的
I love that! I need you right here.
举个例子
So, here's an example.
昨天
Yesterday,
美国境内成千上万的民众上街参与劳动节罢♥工♥游♥行♥
thousands across America took to the streets for the May Day Strike,
你们都知道这个吗
You guys know about this?
"可能吧 我们也不太确定"
So like, "just say yes, we're not sure..."
民众参加游♥行♥抗♥议♥特朗普对移♥民♥的中伤
the May Day Strike to protest Trump's attacks on immigrants.
比如他威胁要大规模遣返非法移♥民♥
Things like threats of mass deportation,
遣返非法工作者
undocumented workers,
建墙 还有撤回对庇护城市的投资 因为它们保护非法移♥民♥
the wall, defunding of sanctuary cities for being sanctuary.
你接受不了是因为你已经厌倦了抗♥议♥游♥行♥
You can't even because you have protests fatigue,
每天政♥治♥节目能用50个推送轰炸你的邮箱
you get like 50 emails a day from Democracy Now
而你只想回到从前 当时你的收件箱里的推送只有
and you just wanna go back to when your spam
来自那些你仅光顾过一次的商店 我们都懂的
was from stores you ordered things from once, we get it.
我只在你家买♥♥过一个浴球 别搞我
Like a loofah, you don't own me.
但是你可以也必须接受
but you can and you must,
因为你肯定有移♥民♥背景
because unless you're native American,
除非你是美洲原住民
you come from immigrants.
讲真的 美国人 我们这个国家就是个大熔炉 接受吧
Seriously America, we're a melting pot, get over it.
而且
Plus,
我说得对
Atta girls.
说来还有点儿尴尬
Kind of embarrassing.
对于那些看起来是白人的女孩儿们来说
Also for seemingly white girls out there,
唯一能让你在酒吧里鹤立鸡群的
Having a multi cultural background is the only thing
就是你的多文化背景
helping you stand out at bars.
作为白人女性 我们喜欢说
Like as white girls, we love
"其实我有四分之一的墨西哥裔亚美尼亚人血统"
"Actually I'm a quarter Mexican Armenian
"而且我爸爸的妈妈来自阿♥拉♥斯加马拉缪特部落"
"And my grandmother on my dad's side was an Alaskan Malamute,"
"所以我的眼睛才是蓝色的"
So that's why my eyes are blue.
"很有异域风情吧"
"Like, so exotic."
"我是只长尾小鹦鹉"
"I'm a parakeet."
最近娱乐新闻的网站上有这么一篇文章
Okay. So there was a recent article in E News,
不敢相信我有一天也会说出这种话
can't believe that's coming out of my mouth,
我本来在看新闻来着 呃
with that, I was doing some deep reading. Um,
然后这篇报道标题是
and the headline said,
"贾斯丁·梭罗并未被妻子 珍妮弗·安妮斯顿的成功吓倒"
"Justin Thoreau not threatened by Jennifer Aniston's success"
祝贺你咯
congratulations?
就好比 夸赞你的爸爸
That's like, praising your dad
并不完全是个种族歧视者
on being less racist than he could be.
你接受不了了
You can't even,
你可能会说
because you're like,
谁会同情詹妮弗的老公呢
who would feel bad for anyone being married to Jennifer Aniston?
珍妮弗既多金又性感
She's rich and hot,
她老公不仅能喝免费的矿泉水
and you get free Smartwater.
还能用免费的身体乳
and Aveeno.
我先讲清楚
let me make this clear,
一个真男人 并不想因为自己不认同
A real man doesn't want to be congratulated
性别歧视那一套而赢得别人的赞美
for not caving into societies ideas about gender roles.
说实在的 他们只想让你少唠叨
A real man honestly, want you to talk like a little less
还有别每次你一提到前男友 就梨花带雨
and maybe not cry every time you bring up your ex-boyfriend.
是哦
Yeah. Yeah.
他还希望你最好别再提那个前男友
He also wants you to stop bringing up your ex boyfriend,
或者 晚上别穿男人的篮球短裤睡觉
and maybe not wear basketball shorts to bed every day.
原谅我 宝贝儿
Sorry babe.
好 女士们
Okay, so...ladies,
先提前讲清楚啊
let me make this clear,
因为我不想被误解
let me make this so clear I can't be misunderstood,
如果一个男人对你的收入或成功没有安全感
If a guy is insecure about your salary, or accomplishments,
分手吧 都什么年代了 离开他
leave him. Where were you? Leave him.
就这么干
That's it.
比如
That is...
如果你听到他在房♥子那头抱怨
that is if you can even hear his whining
他在这栋你用真金白银血汗钱
through the walls of the dope house you bought
买♥♥回来的豪♥宅♥里发牢骚
with all your cash money
动作很到位 看看啊 太有皇家气派了
you do that well, look at that. It's so regal.
感觉像是
You're like,
"这些都是给人♥民♥的钱 让他们尽早吃上蛋糕吧"
"It's for the people, let them eat cake."
下一个故事发生在上周
My next story happened last week
但上周我还没有这个节目
but I didn't have a show last week
现在有机会了 所以我想聊聊这件事
And since I have one now I wanna talk about it
塞雷娜·威廉姆斯在快照上宣布了她怀孕的消息
Serena Williams announced that she was pregnant on Snapchat.
当然很多聪明的网友反应很快
And of course brilliant people everywhere were very quick to say
问"是怀孕让她赢得澳网赛冠军的吗"
things like "Did the pregnancy help her win the Australian open?"
你受不了了
You can't even,
因为类似的评论
because comments like these
都在试图抹杀女性的成功
attempt to take away from women's accomplishments,
尤其针对黑人女性
especially black women's accomplishments,
但姐们已经不在乎了
and you're just over it.
但你可以 也必须接受 因为
But you can even and you must, because oh, I see,
人们似乎都认为孕妇很脆弱很疲惫
so pregnant women are mostly thought of as weak and exhausted,
但体坛摘金又是另一回事了吗
except for when it comes to winning major sporting events?
懂了 懂了 懂了
Got it, got it, got it.
她们的实力原来是荷尔蒙的作用
Then their strength is credited to their hormones,
而不是她们的技巧
not skills?
不能这么双标吧
You can't have it both ways.
另外
P.S.
塞雷娜·威廉姆斯在怀孕前也拿了很多大满贯
Serena Williams was like winning grand slams before she was pregnant,
怀孕后她也能继续拿大满贯
and she'll probably keep winning way after she's pregnant.
嗯
Yeah.
是吧
Right?
那是因为她是一个出色的运动员
And that's because she's a talented athlete.
我证明给你看
I'll Prove it. I'll prove it.
我的总编剧也怀孕了
My head writer is pregnant,
Corinne 你能出来一下吗
Corinne, will you come out here?
你能来台上吗 你好
Will you come out here please? Hi.
我要证明给你们看
I'm gonna prove it to you.
Corinne
Corinne,
去赢个澳网冠军吧
win the Australian open.
我只想坐下
I gotta sit down.
好吧 没关系
Okay That's fair.
大家伙 这是Corinne
Corinne, everybody.
她累了
She's tired.
实话实说
Let's be honest,
女人的成功
Women are amazing
不在于荷尔蒙作用
not because of our hormonal swings,
而恰恰是因为我们克服了它
but in spite of them.
你来过大姨妈吗
Have you ever had a period?
没有吗
No?
那就给老娘放尊重点
Then you should respect and fear it!
好了
All right,
接下来是我的粉丝给我分享的一些
Coming up, my fans sending things
他们后悔发到网上的照片
that they regret posting online
自个儿做的妖
They've signed waivers
现在后悔已经来不及了
and it's too late to take it back.
马上回来
We'll be right back.
欢迎回来
Welcome back.
我们之前在聊 "好吧 我们还能说什么呢"
So we're talking about "Well, what can we say?"
那我就想聊聊"我们还能在网上发什么呢"
And that leads me to "What can we post?"
不幸的是 互联网记得所有发生过的事
Unfortunately, the internet is forever,
在我看来
personally,
要是你正处在18至29岁之间
I think if you're between the ages of 18 and 29,
那么在你满30岁的时候
you should get a clean sweep
记得把之前网上发布的一切都清干净
of the internet when you turn 30,
因为作为一名女性
because as a woman,
那时整个世界都会来挑你的刺
that's when society turns on you anyway.
这真的很难
it's really hard.
但我的观点是
But my point is,