伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

我们都发过那些会让我们后悔莫及的东西
we all have stuff we wish we had never put out there.
但即使是那些指责你这种行为的人
Even the people criticizing you for putting it out there
他们也发过这样的东西
have stuff they shouldn't have put out there.
我承认 我说过很多刻薄话
I'll admit it, I've said mean things,
在不了解事情原委时
I've said uninformed things
我也说了关于某些女性
about anyone from women
或者中东事件的风凉话
to the middle east,
有一次度假时 我还发了这张自♥拍♥
And I once posted this picture of myself on vacation.
无所谓了 我看起来棒棒的
Whatever. I look amazing.
我不虚 好吧
No shame. Okay.
我让我的粉丝给我分享了些
I asked my fans to send in pictures of things
他们后悔发到网上的照片
that they regret posting online.
比如Sasha
like Sasha,
她发了张自己呕吐的照片
who uploaded this picture of her puking
同时 手里还拿着杯冰拿铁
while holding an ice latte.
这是Justin
Here's Justin,
他磕太嗨了
who got so stoned,
他的朋友Doug用激将法
his friend doug dared him
让他去做了这么个纹身
to get a tattoo that said
"牛了个逼 DOUG"
"COWABUNGA DOUG"
他还真的纹了
and he did.
这简直是扯淡
I call BS on this one,
得了吧Justin
Nice try Justin,
别把你磕嗨了当借口 好吗
don't pawn it off on being stoned, okay?
那样真的太逊了
That's lame.
承认吧 你本来就想要这个纹身
You wanted this tattoo, admit it.
你走进纹身店
You walked in,
付钱
paid,
然后忍♥疼忍♥了个把小时
sat through the pain for an hour,
你还指导了一下你的纹身师 说
And you instructed the artist. You're like,
我要纹一只弯了三根指头的怪手
"I wanna weird three finger web claw,
还要一根牛角包似的拇指怼着我 问
pointing a croissant-like thumb back at me,
我是真的"牛了个逼"的DOUG吗
asking me if I am in fact "COWABUNGA DOUG"?
为啥还纹了个问号♥
Why is there a question Mark?
不觉得这个标点很烦吗
Does the punctuation not bother anybody?
所以 我们明确了"能说什么"的规则
So we've established that there are rules about what you can't say,
在网络上能“能发什么”
and rules about images that you should or shouldn't share,
当然 还有"能吃什么"的规则
And of course, there are rules about what you can't eat.
虽然作为一个女性
Not that as a woman,
连想想食物都是禁忌
you're ever allowed to even want food.
那么 女士们
So ladies,
随我们一起
Come with us on a journey,
去瞧瞧这个独一无二的地方
to one of the only places
在那儿 女士们能以被社会所认可的方式进食
where women can eat in a socially acceptable way.
不好意思 当我想要这个开胃沙拉
I'm sorry, I'm actually going to have the appetizer salad
作为我的主菜 而且不要起司
as my entrée, and hold the cheese.
滚粗
Get out.
一般的餐厅并不能理解
Typical restaurants don't understand
现代女性点餐的需求
how a modern woman wants to order.
你会感到孤独 沮丧
It can make you feel alone, dejected,
你想去一个了解你需求的地方
and looking for a place where you feel understood.
那就是"一小口"存在的意义
That's why there's Tiny Bites.
在"一小口"
here at Tiny Bites,
我们知道你饿了
We understand that you're hungry,
但又不至于饿到必须吃饱的地步
but not enough to eat so that you're not hungry.
我们按您的需求上菜
And we cater to it.
因此我们的菜品都很迷你
That's why all our bites are tiny.
就算你一个人来
And even if you come alone,
你也能在这儿感觉到家庭的氛围
you'll feel like family.
我的天呐 嗨
My gosh! Hi!
想好点什么了吗
So have we decided?
我能来半份沙拉吗
can I just get the half salad?
噢 我能来她一半的一半吗
Oh! Can I just get half of that half?
我只想要她的一小口就好
And I'll just have a bite of hers.
那我就要她那一小口里的一小口
And I'll just have a bite of a bite.
开动吧 女士们
Eat up, ladies.
在"一小口"
at Tiny Bites,
这两颗葡萄都产自本地
both of our grapes are locally source.
一般的餐厅提供足量菜品
Normal restaurants offer full portions.
但当你隔壁桌的女生只点了足量的一半
And when the woman next to you orders half of that,
你顿时觉得自己是个怪物
you feel like a monster.
当其他女生吃的比我少
When other women eat less than me,
我会感觉自己女性失格了
it makes me feel like less of a woman.
但在"一小口"
Well, here at Tiny Bites,
这种情况绝不会发生
we don't let that happen.
好了
All right,
这是那半份菜的一小口
here's your bite of her meal,
这是那一小口里的一小口
And here's your bite of that bite.
哇 看起来真美味
Wow. That looks good.
来一口吗
Want a bite?
好哎
Yeah.
好吃吧
cool?
看起来好好吃
Um. That looks tasty.
希望你们还吃得下甜点
I hope you ladies saved room for dessert.
你们想来点吗
Are you guys gonna get any?
我知道我们不该吃 但是
I mean I know we shouldn't, but...
你吃我就吃
I will if you will.
来点起司蛋糕怎么样
cheesecake. Anyone?
面包屑登场啦
here're your crumbs.
我们太不乖了
We're being so naughty.
我老公无法满足我
My husband doesn't satisfies me.
我恨我家孩子
I hate my kid!
啊 - 不要忘了你们的外带 小姐们
Ah. - Don't forget your to go bag, ladies.
尽请光临"一小口"
come to Tiny Bites.
千万不要错过"一小口"的特色早午餐
And don't forget to come for our special Tiny Bites brunch.
早午餐 哈
Brunch! Ah!
只供应酒 不供应其他食物
There's actually no food, just alcohol.
为什么他不回我信息
Why didn't he text me back?
你在干什么 - 你在生我气吗
What are you doing? - Are you mad at me?
懂点礼貌好吧 - 哦
Have some manner! - Oh!
服务员 服务员 我们的账单要分成12份
Waiter! Waiter! We have to split the check 12 ways.
我们得把账单分成12份
We have to split the check 12 ways.
我们要把账单分成12份
We need to split the check 12 ways!
我们的早午餐真是欢乐多多 朋友们
Our brunch was so much fun, you guys.
接下来
Coming up,
有请Mayim Bialik
we've got Mayim Bialik,
我们来讨论一下 "我们能说什么"
And we're gonna talk about "What we can say".
下一位也是我的第一位嘉宾
My next and first guest ever,
她就是生活大爆♥炸♥的主演之一
is none other than Big Bang theory star,
Mayim Bialik博士
Mayim Bialik PhD!
好的
All right.
那么首先
So first of all,
你和我并不是"哦 节目预约的嘉宾"这样的关系
you and I, this was not "Oh, we booked someone".
而是 朋友关系
This was, like you're my friend.
你是我私下的朋友
you're my friend in real life,
其实我是你的狂热粉加跟踪狂
I'm really your super-fan stalker,
但你愿意称我为朋友的话 我很是感激
but you call me your friend and I appreciate that.
我心里一直惦记着一件事
I can't get over that.
那次 我在参加Elle杂♥志♥做一个女性喜剧人的活动
I was doing a Women-In-Comedy event for Elle magazine,
你是观众之一 然后活动很成功 大家都笑了
and you were in the audience and the comics were entertaining everyone.
我 对Elle杂♥志♥和喜剧女人没有任何不敬
I, no insult to Elle magazine or women in comedy,
直到你领衔主演的消息传来 我才产生想去看看的念头
I didn't wanna go until I heard that you were headlining.
我的天啊
Oh my god!
实际上我没有领衔主演 但是你这么说 我很开心
I didn't really headline, but I like that you said that that.
活动之后你过来
And you came afterward,
一个女人过来跟我这么说
this woman came up and she was like,
"Mayim Bialik想和你见一面"
"Mayim Bialik would really like to meet you."
然后我就想
And I was like,
她是在和我身后的人说话吗
are you talking to someone behind me?
当时在场有许多重量级女喜剧人
Like there were so many important women there,