伊莱扎和真心话（2017）

里面全是指尖陀螺 无法降解的充电器 以及健怡可乐
non-biodegradable phone chargers and diet coke.
但他们也在做这些事
But they're also doing things like this.
日本的科学家最近真空冷冻了一颗老鼠精♥子♥
Researchers in Japan recently freeze dried a mouse's sperm,
把它送到国际空间站
took it to the International Space Station,
好生供养着 让飞船载着它飞了九个月
bought it dinner, flew it around for nine months
然后把它带回地球 并用它来培育这些老鼠幼崽
and brought it back and use it to make these baby mice.
我就是想说
I just wanna say,
这篇文章有点误导人
I feel like this article is misleading
因为重点是很明显是
because this is clearly about somebody
那些被迫跟老鼠精♥子♥呆在太空的人
that was caught with mouse sperm in space.
然而他们却把这件事说的 呃
And then they were like, uh
这是避免性♥爱♥的高端方法
It's a pretty elaborate way to avoid sex.
并且听起来很浪费时间和金钱
And it sounds like a huge waste of time and money.
我必须得坦白讲出我的感受
But I have to be honest because
因为编剧找到了这个故事作为反例 但我并不同意
our writers found this story and I disagree.
对不起了大家 从这个故事能明显看出我们退步了
Sorry guys that this is evidence that we're devolving.
因为我感觉如果故事里既有日本人又有科学
Because I feel like if it involves the Japanese and science,
那他们这么做一定是事出有因
they're probably doing it for a good reason.
或许大家看过<寿司之神>吗
Like have you seen Jiro Dreams of Sushi?
20年就围着那坨米转悠
20 years on just the rice?
所以日本文化是很讲究的
Like it's not a culture that messes around,
除非出现了以下情况
unless they're doing this.
这是最近网上疯传的一则新闻
Apparently the latest fad
讲的是日本成年人
in Japan involves adults
把自己裹在被子里 以模拟在母亲子♥宫♥里的感觉
swaddling themselves to simulate the feeling of being in a womb.
如果我们要讨论社会退步 开倒车
If we're talking about society devolving and going backwards
有什么能比回到子♥宫♥里退的更远的呢
you can't go farther back than being in utero.
所以说
So...
他们看起来好像火鸡啊
They look like turkeys.
我会这么做的
I do it.
你会吗 - 我会
You do it? - I do it, yeah.
我们要给你找一个那么大的床单 - 嗯
We're gonna get a bed sheet that big. - Yeah.
这么做是本来是为了减压
This is supposed to reduce stress,
但说实话 这些人看起来像被绑♥架♥的人♥质♥
but honestly it just looks like a hostage situation.
他们要怎么呼吸啊
How are they breathing?
说到沟通
When it comes to communication,
社会绝对是在退步
society is definitely devolving.
我们看到安格拉·默克尔出现在新闻上
We also learned that Angela Merkel,
代表全欧洲
on behalf of Europe,
发话说不再信任我们的国家了
just doesn't trust our country now.
当看到来自白宫的电♥话♥的时候
She's gonna start hitting Block Caller
她肯定要狂点"屏蔽来电者"了
when she sees calls from the White House for sure.
"你能不能别在喝醉了之后打给我"
Like "will you please stop drunk dialing me?
"我自家的冰箱都坏了 求求了"
My refrigerator is not running. Please."
在每个层面 沟通都在退步
Communication is devolving on all fronts,
而对于常人来说
And us regular people,
我们从寄长信
we've moved from long letters
到发推特 emoji 表情包 动图
to tweet to emojis and memes and GIFs.
我的理论就是咱现在基本用的都是象形字
My theory is we are basically going back to using hieroglyphics now.
你可能会说 埃及人就用的象形字啊
and before you say, well it worked for the Egyptians
他们还修了金字塔呢
and they built the pyramids.
回答错误 首先
Huh-uh, first of all,
大家都知道 埃及人靠的是他们
everyone knows the Egyptians relied on
古老的外星科技才建起的金字塔
ancient alien technology to build their pyramids.
大家都知道
Everyone knows that.
开玩笑啦
Just kidding.
但金字塔其实是犹太人修的
But it was actually the Jews who built them,
不是埃及人
not the Egyptians though.
我就是犹太人 这就是事实
I'm Jewish. This is just a fact.
我想说的是 图片正在取代文字
I'm making a point about using pictures instead of words.
这 这是咱发的最多的emoji
This...this is the most texted emoji.
你们可能会说 啊 这是丁丁
You guys got, uh, it's a dick.
这是美国人最爱发的emoji
This is the most texted emoji in the United States,
大家都知道它代表丁丁
which everyone knows means penis.
我必须诚实地说
I gotta be honest,
女士们 要是你床伴长了一根亮晶晶的紫色丁丁
like if you're with a penis, ladies, that's shining and purple,
你得暂停咱的节目 然后去叫个医生
you need to stop watching the show, call a doctor.
等等
Wait.
我其实喜欢 这可不是个笑话
I do like the...this is not a joke.
我只会用那种很老套的方式
The only like...dick that I'll text is like the old-school,
8=D就代表丁丁 - 对啊
with an 8 in the equal sign and a D. - Yes!
我只会发给那些玩得好的男性朋友
And I only do it to my very close male friend.
那是 这么说吧
That's been...like that's Like,
我顶多发这一类型的色情短♥信♥
that's as close as I get to sexting anybody.
对的 那样做不太合适
That's right. It's not proper.
你还记得用计算器输8008 就能打出"胸"这个词吗
Remember you can write BOOB on a calculator with 8008?
现在也行
Still can.
现在也行
Still can.
现在也可以 只要你有计算器
Still can if you got a calculator.
既然咱坚持要用emoji交流
So, since we insist on communicating with emojis,
我觉着咱能升个级
I think we can improve them,
因为有了各种各样的这些新技术
because with all this new technology,
现在咱需要表达些不一样的新情绪
we now have new emotions that we need to express.
接下的环节为你量身打造
This is why I have created it for you,
新型Emojis
New Emojis.
我滴天呐
Oh My god.
你还记得怪投射波吗
Do you remember Snood?
噢 当然了
Oh, yeah.
你不觉得这和怪投射波有点像吗
Didn't that feel like a Snood thing?
就好像在说
Is this turning into like
Iliza梦回九零年代吗 我也不知道
Iliza remembers the nineties? I don't know.
还挺带感的
Actually really enjoying this vibe.
首先 有个人一边捶着地板
First of all, here's a person crying uncontrollably
一边放声痛哭
while pounding the floor.
特别适合在你快要迟到的时候
This emoji is perfect for when you're running late,
你无法自拔地追踪你的优步行驶路线
and you look are obsessively tracking your Uber.
眼睁睁看着那司机绕路
And the dude makes an unnecessary turn.
就好比 你坐在那儿 内心却是一万匹草泥马崩腾
Like, you're just sitting there pacing in your hallway.
为什么 为什么要在日落大道拐弯
You're like, why, why are you turning on Sunset?
为什么 你错过了月桂谷那条路
Why? You miss the turn at Laurel Canyon.
你只能在文图拉县才能U形转弯
You can only make a legal U turn on Ventura.
大家都知道的呀
Everybody knows that.
这个人对着电脑大哭
Here's a person crying in front of a computer.
这是那些在油管上看狗狗
This is for someone who's crying while watching those dogs
欢迎归家士兵的感人视频流泪的人
welcoming soldiers home videos on YouTube.
你看过什么让你感动落泪的视频吗
Do you have any videos that make you cry?
我很喜欢 那种视频
I really like...videos where
那种有专人指导一物多用的视频
somebody is using a tool for its expressed purpose.
这是咋回事 你为什么会是我们的嘉宾
Why, why is this? Why are you a guest?
我 我 你知道我已经当爸爸了
I, I...you know what, I...I'm a dad.
我就直截了当地给你说吧
And I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you,
能恰当使用一件工具
when a tool is used properly.
真是一件再好不过的事了
That just...there's nothing better.
呃 这个emoji一脸恐慌尴尬的样子
Uh...Here's an emoji that's horrified and embarrassed.
呃 你可以在某些情况下用它
Um...This one you can use when you're like,
比如 你唱Chance the Rapper的歌♥的时候
oh, I accidentally said the N word
一不小心说了黑鬼这个词
while rapping along to a Chance the Rapper song
而且被人听到了
and someone heard me.
旁注 白人们
Side note, white people,
我有个简单的补救办法
I got an easy fix for this.
用"狗狗"代替"黑鬼"那个词
Always replace the N word with puppy.
简直屡试不爽
It works like a charm.
你也不会得罪谁
No one gets offended.
只会有一群扎脏辫的狗子蹲你家门口
There's gonna be some dread head puppies in your lobby.
这个emoji说的是 我知道你看到了我发的短♥信♥
Here's one that says, I know you saw my text.
好啦 接下来咱们进入
All right. You guys, coming up
观众们对人性毁灭的忏悔环节
for our audience confesses their part in human destruction.
今天老娘还会教教你们怎么做人
And I teach everyone how to be a person.
不要走开喔
Stay with us.
欢迎回来
Welcome back.